How do you maintain your relationship with your spouse? On our KiasuParents forum, this is a conversation topic that never runs dry. As one parent recently shared:

Why is it that some couples are able to achieve the above, while others struggle to get along, and eventually break up? More importantly, is there a way to identify and address red flags in a relationship before it’s too late?

The #1 Relationship Killer: Is This in Your Marriage?

Research into long-term relationships has found that couples rarely separate because of major conflicts alone.

More often, relationships unravel through negative patterns and behaviours, such as ongoing tension that is never fully addressed. Over time, these patterns accumulate and reshape how partners relate to each other.

One of the most damaging patterns that a couple can fall into is contempt, and it’s very specific. Contempt is when one partner displays a sense of superiority over the other. Behaviours include:

• Sarcasm or mockery

• Eye-rolling or sneering

• Speaking with disgust, ridicule, or condescension

• Treating the other person as foolish, inferior, or “the problem”

Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have identified contempt as the “ No.1 factor that tears couples apart .” Why? Because contempt communicates a core message: “I’m better than you.”

Unlike anger, which can come from hurt or frustration, contempt carries moral judgment. It tells the other person that they are flawed or beneath respect. Over time, this damages trust, self-esteem, and the willingness to stay emotionally open.

The encouraging part is that contempt doesn’t have to be permanent. When couples recognise it early and replace it with repair, relationships can recover.

How to Avoid Divorce: Start With 3 Communication Habits

Many people assume a relationship is doomed because they can’t see a way forward ‘right now,’” says Nicholas Gabriel Lim, a psychologist trained in family law. “[But once] couples get the right support, clarity often emerges, and it’s not always the outcome they feared.”

“I’ve also seen relationships change when behaviour changes,” he adds. “No relationship is hopeless as long as one or both partners are willing to shift away from blame and move toward connection. Sometimes, even small changes can improve the emotional climate at home.”

Nicholas is a partner at Amicus Curiae, where psychologists, counsellors, coaches, and legally trained professionals work together to enhance or repair relationships for families in disputes. They believe that family disputes don’t have to be adversarial, even when litigation is involved.

Amicus Curiae provides several areas of support for couples in conflict, including psychotherapy, mediation, and coaching. In practice, this involves supporting individuals and families through therapy, helping parties to manage disputes without unnecessary escalation, and equipping parents and couples through workshops and learning programmes. If couples should still choose to divorce, the Amicus Curiae team will then help the couple to close this chapter in a gentler way, with consideration and support for children and the wider family.

For couples who are trying to repair from contempt, Nicholas has three tips to share:

• Pausing and silently counting to five, before responding

• Excusing oneself and walking to another room, if things are very heated

• Asking to continue the discussion at another time, such as after children are asleep or during an evening walk

• What was felt

• What was needed

• What was missed

This can reduce defensiveness, as well as help both parties to see each other’s perspective. Below are some examples to help you visualise the difference between “I” and “you” statements:

• “I felt like I was talking to the wall.” (Versus: “You never listen when I’m talking!”)

• “I feel accused.” (Versus: “Are you saying this was all my fault?”)

• “I can see you are very tired.” (Versus: “What’s wrong with you?”)

• “I noticed you were upset.” (Versus: “Why are you so angry?”)

• “I was hoping for a little more attention.” (Versus: “You’re always looking at your phone!”)

• Be the first to say “I’m sorry” or “Let me try that again.”

• Ask for clarification: “Can you help me understand what you were going through or thinking?”

• Offer an explanation: “I’m overwhelmed today, so if I sound short, it’s not you.”

• Talk about improvements for the future: “If this should happen again, what would you prefer that I say?”

• On good days, invite your partner to spend time together. This could include having date nights without kids, to do something enjoyable.

Over time, these small actions can soften hardened patterns and create space for reconnection, even in relationships that have felt stuck for years.

Don’t Wait for a Crisis: Relationship Counselling or Coaching Can Help

Not every relationship difficulty requires professional help.

Couples may be able to manage difficulties independently when they can pause an argument, communicate in healthy ways, and offer repair gestures to each other.

However, there are times when these efforts are not enough.

“Chatting with a therapist or a coach helps, the moment you catch even the slightest pattern emerging”, says Nicholas. “By the time something happens and you see it, it is quite bad already. Don’t wait. There is no harm in talking things out first, through a therapy or coaching session. It can give clarity, direction and purpose, and it is more empowering than one can imagine.”

Wondering if you should talk to a counsellor or a coach? Both counselling and coaching provide safe spaces for couples to step back from ongoing conflict, and better understand what is happening beneath the surface. However, they serve slightly different needs:

• Counselling is often helpful when emotions run high or when past experiences are affecting the relationship. It provides space to explore emotional dynamics, improve communication, and work through issues that may feel overwhelming or deeply entrenched.

• Coaching tends to be more forward-looking and practical. It can support couples who are functioning reasonably well but want to strengthen their relationship, deal with a specific challenge, or develop healthier ways of communicating.

In practice, the distinction between counselling and coaching is not always rigid. Many couples move between the two, depending on what they need at different points. If you’re feeling hesitant about getting help, do know that it is increasingly common to seek therapy to improve some aspect of our lives. This is not a sign of weakness or failure, but rather, it signals our desire to work towards positive change.

This article is brought to you in partnership with Amicus Curiae.