Divorce can be messy, painful, and uncertain.
For parents, one of the hardest parts is often protecting their children while dealing with conflict and difficult decisions at home.
To support families going through marital challenges, KiasuParents recently hosted a webinar featuring Amicus Curiae, a Singapore firm where psychologists, counsellors, coaches, and legally trained professionals work together to repair family relationships. In their work with individuals and families, they’ve seen that even when legal proceedings are part of the process, there are ways to navigate family disputes with less conflict and more care.
If you are looking for guidance, below are key questions from our webinar, along with the experts’ answers.
Nicholas Gabriel Lim, a registered psychologist and trained lawyer who has worked alongside judges in the family courts
Joan Chan, an accredited divorce coach
Danny Loong, a champion for men’s voices who has navigated the divorce process as a father
Unresolved emotions (not legal complexity) are the biggest driver of costly, bitter divorces.
Children need emotional safety and access to both parents, even after a divorce.
Staying calm and consistent is the most powerful thing a parent can do for their child during this time.
What usually makes a divorce more expensive and more bitter than it needs to be?
Joan Chan: From what I see in my work, it is really the unmanaged emotions. When hurt, anger, or fear drives decision making, people tend to react rather than respond. When you react, you are driven by a lot of emotions, and that escalates conflicts quickly. So small issues become battles, communication breaks down, and professionals like lawyers need to get pulled in to help, to manage emotional conflict rather than legal conflict.
Nicholas Gabriel Lim: Very often, people think that the divorce only involves the legal aspect, while it’s really a social divorce, an emotional divorce, and a psychological divorce. Concrete costs will very quickly increase when disagreement increases: not only the legal fees, but also fees for counsellors or psychiatrists. When things get more acrimonious, lawyers would like evidence to support their position. They will need reports, and reports add to the cost.
Danny Loong: The choice of lawyers is very important. You need someone who is able to advise you on what you can do to reduce the “heat,” someone who can help you find a way to mediation, or to other forms of engagement to find common ground. If you are going to be acrimonious and feed into your anger, instead of three months, your divorce may take two years. And fees can go up to $200,000 or $300,000.
What do children need from their parents during this time?
Joan Chan: Children don’t need perfect parents; they just need parents to give them emotional safety. Many a time, children are caught in the middle, especially when one parent has access to the child and brings the child to the other home. The poor child is sandwiched in between, and they can feel very pressured. In both home environments, they don’t feel safe. It makes matters worse when there’s no predictability and no routine.
Nicholas Gabriel Lim: A child’s right is that they should have access to both parents; they should not be deprived of either parent. The law stipulates that even in a post-divorce situation, both parents have ultimate responsibility, the highest responsibility, of looking after the child. Children need the father and mother to be present in their lives, because parents fulfil different developmental needs.
Should couples in conflict see a mediator, coach, or counsellor before hiring a lawyer?
Nicholas Gabriel Lim: We are boldly saying don’t go to the lawyers first, because that will make a bad situation even worse. Get clarity first. If you go to a lawyer first, they are good at their job, and what they will do is always look out for your legal interests. While they may talk about your relationship, your history, and issues, this is meant for them to understand how to craft the legal papers to protect your legal interests before the court. There is usually little consideration of how you’ll go about benefiting the relationship that you once had together, or with your children.
What are the differences between mediation, counselling, and coaching?
Nicholas Gabriel Lim: Mediation is very specific, like if I have a number of assets or an estate, and I want to mediate who gets what. There’s a negotiation process involved, and you need to be prepared to meet each other halfway.
The counsellor’s role is to help parties access their personal histories. Or they may address mental health issues.
Coaching is about moving forward. A coach helps you to access your resources, and think about how you are going to make decisions for the benefit of your children and your family relationships.
How can I stay emotionally steady through an acrimonious battle?
Joan Chan: It is very hard to stay positive; we can only regulate our emotions. We all get triggered at any time of the day over little things, like a silly message, but that self-awareness is important. It is good to have structured communication: Don’t engage unnecessarily, and don’t try to defend or justify, because when a person is trying to accuse you of something, they can say anything about you. Be brief, be factual, be informative, be very short and succinct, so that you can detach yourself from getting those unnecessary emotions.
Danny Loong: The support system that you have around you really helps, but there are good support systems and bad support systems. It’s easy to turn an angry crowd into a mob, so it’s probably better to take a step back and say, who can I speak to who has maturity? A support system is essential for anyone, but knowing who should be in that circle and finding the right path in a calm, regulated way is the thing we have to aim for.
How should I handle false accusations made during the legal process?
Nicholas Gabriel Lim: Recognise that it is not the other party (your ex-spouse) writing these words in legal documents. It is the language that lawyers are using to strongly advocate their client’s position. If you take it personally, then you will advise your lawyer accordingly and your lawyer will write a stronger rebuttal. Then it will be a continual downward spiral all the way.
Joan Chan: False accusations don’t just affect your case, but they also affect your identity. If you feel falsely accused, I would encourage you to stay anchored in your strategy; don’t be emotional about it. Avoid reacting impulsively or defending yourself emotionally, and let your lawyer handle the legal response.
Danny Loong: Every accusation needs evidence. You can say a lot of things about a person, and if it’s true, then it’s time to prove that. The proof is in the details and also the evidence.
What can I do if my child is being turned against me?
Joan Chan: Alienation thrives on reactivity, inconsistency, and emotional overwhelm. But alienation can also be weakened when a parent remains calm, predictable, and non-defensive. Keep your connection with your child alive in small, meaningful ways such as short texts. Re-engagement is not a single moment; it is a process of rebuilding trust without pressure.
Danny Loong: The child will grow up. They will eventually know which parent is the one that has come to them with the heart for them. Don’t get angry with the child, because sometimes that happens when they keep coming to you and saying something that would trigger you. If they triggered you and you lost control, then you are at the losing end.
Why is “not giving up” on a child sometimes the wrong approach?
Nicholas Gabriel Lim: For some people, not giving up can mean the constant, persistent pursuit of the relationship, which can be detrimental to a child. Instead, you want to be developmentally appropriate. For example, a teenager is trying to deal with the separation and their hormonal changes. If you keep asking them every day how they feel, they get very resentful and frustrated. By not addressing this with your teenager, it doesn’t mean you’re giving up. Rather, you are attending to their needs at this point in time, because the adult is in a better position to recognise developmental needs than the child.
How do I know when it is the right time to divorce?
Nicholas Gabriel Lim: Generally speaking, a couple who goes through divorce will probably have one of these three issues: money, intimacy, or children. If you have addressed any one of these issues to a point where you feel that this is already "something that I’ve given my all," and that moving forward it’s not going to help anybody, then maybe a decision can be made.
Danny Loong: If you are contemplating divorce, then perhaps that’s where a coach or going for a workshop can help to determine whether that’s something that you want to do, before you actually make a big decision. Marriage counselling is a go-to as well, especially if both partners want to do it.
If you could tell parents one thing, what would it be?
Joan Chan: You may not be able to control how your divorce story began or even how it ends, but you can control how you want to show up, especially for your children. That’s what your child will carry forward.
Danny Loong: For myself, the question of fatherhood comes to mind first. What kind of father would I want to be to my child? That is exactly where I think I anchor myself in the whole process. It’s not just about me; it’s about my child.
Nicholas Gabriel Lim: In a post-divorce situation, how do we help ourselves achieve success in the relationship with our children? Our goal is always to help families focus on the co-parenting situation. To do that, stay on the open road of negotiation, respect, and trust while avoiding the dead-end road of conflict at all costs.
For parents considering separation and divorce, it’s helpful to remember that your child’s long-term stability depends on your ability to prioritise their needs. Although divorce marks the end of a marriage, it does not have to be the end of good parenting.
Learn more about the counselling, coaching, and mediation services at Amicus Curiae, or sign up for these in-person events:
Navigating Divorce with Clarity (2 April 2026, New Tech Park)
Co-Parenting with Intention (24 April 2026, International Plaza)
This interview is brought to you in partnership with Amicus Curiae.
