Guide Children To Love…

For the longest time, despite how rough things have been at the homefront, I have managed to overcome them as they flooded me from time to time. If I could survive the last tsunami, I thought I was definitely strong enough… like they say, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. But truth is, I am exhausted. I have come to the point where I have given everything of myself and I don’t think I have any more to give…

That’s what I thought, until the children spoke. Through their innocent words, I found a wee bit more of myself to hold out. 

I have always been the calm one and have always maintained that any troubling affairs of the adults should not be in their presence or within radar of their little innocent ears. I am not sure how many times I have reproached myself (this last two weeks) for how I succumbed to my anger and worse, allowed it overcome me, before I could get the situation out of the children’s sight and of course their listening ears. I lost control. In the last 13 years, I never had. 

I’ve lost count the number of times, he made me cry and the times he hurt me so bad I thought my heart literally bled out of my chest. I try to always confine my sadness within the privacy of the late nights or during the occasional long hot showers, when I do have the luxury of time for myself. I made it a point to emerge more stable and poised to re-join my children and if or when they do ask why I seemed sad or if they caught me crying by chance, I would reply.. “It happens to everyone. We feel sad sometimes when things happen, but after a good one (cry) we can feel slightly better to face a new day to reflect, to do things differently, try to make things better.” Kids being the curious cats they are, will ask, “Is it daddy again, mom? Did he make you sad?”

Now this. This is tricky because if handled in anger will result in future yet-to-be-seen repercussions of the subconscious minds of the children.

My way of dealing with this tricky bit is to first, acknowledge the sadness. That is the truth. By saying I was not sad, would be, lying. “Yes, he did sweetie but it’s over now.”

“Did he say he was sorry?” This is the next tricky one. Again, if he did apologise I will acknowledge that he did and if he didn’t, I would say it as it was. “Nope, he didn’t. Perhaps he needed more time.. when he is less angry.. but I did say I was sorry, if I was the one who made him angry first even if I knew that I actually did not really do anything wrong. I just want us to stop being angry at each other.”

I remember once when during a major fall-out, DD2 (then about 6yrs) went to him and talked for a bit.. later on.. she held her little fingers in mine and led me to the room.. She said, “Daddy said he was the one at fault, but he was angry and he lost his temper, as usual… *she rolled her eyes* (LOL!) But you left the room before he could say he was sorry because you were angry too and sad as well, uhmmm more sad than angry. But so, now you are both here so you can settle with each other. I will cover my ears and try not to listen. *evil twinkle in her eye* But before I do that, remember what you told me, Mom.. that even God accepts prayers and all sorry-s from his people, so if he THE God, can do that… we humans…. should be able to forgive as well. I’m closing my ears now..”

It is magical how children can be our best mirrors of the reflections of our actions in the most simplest ways that we never realised was possible, until it surfaced, just like that.

Even as sisters, DD1 and DD2 fights.. friends squabble and of course, couples quarrel… it happens. We all know how after any argument, there’s this lingering feeling of anger and that little feeling called hate. God knows how I have to keep reminding myself not to ever ever do that. Not to instill hatred.

A child knows no malice. We should never teach or show children how to hate, especially not towards either parent, no matter what the extensity of the issue at hand is. The adult problems and issues are ours, not theirs. Regardless of the arguments we had, I reminded myself not to speak in condescending terms with reference to him when conversing with the children. They never knew how to hate him even when he too was mean to them, well… when his temper got the better of him. In DDs words, as usual.. They will use “dislike” but never; hate.

He went away some time ago and I am left to fend the fort with my four little imp-ish ones, after a really big blast between us… I couldn’t shield them this time for it came fast and definitely furious… However this time, even though the kids saw through everything and heard every word… I still didn’t want them to hate. Definitely not now, definitely not ever. He IS their father. I never want that (their love for him) taken away from them, regardless what happens to us eventually.

I had to counsel the children after what happened that few weeks ago and gave them all tighter cuddles than I have ever given so they know that whatever it is, they are always loved. It helped that he too said his piece(s) before he left and the kids especially the elder ones were kept sated, for awhile. I wanted the children to remember the good times.. the good things.. the best times we all had. So we reminisced about the good ol’ days together and I tucked them off to bed.

Three of my children came down with very high fever (viral) and also the flu about a week ago. They barely ate much the whole week, so I whipped up a big breakfast to welcome the weekend.

When I went into the room to ask them out for breakfast, I saw some post-it notes on their bedroom wall…

The girls told me that he left a note on their wall before he left… (which I have already seen)…

But only then, I saw the replies DD2 made to his note. She said she pasted it up on the wall too, so that if he came home, he would be able to see them the minute he came in…

Here are the close-ups..

I (now) believe, we CAN guide our children to love even in moments of adversity and that is how it should be. A child’s love and innocence should be preserved in the hope that not only can they face harsh times in a more positive light but, I pray that when it comes to matters of the heart, hopefully they can overcome their issues (in future) in good stead and spend less time consumed with sadness, no matter what their low might be.

I confided in them how they shouldn’t have witnessed what they did the other time and that I was sorry, but they said after that good cry I should be able to move on better than the day before. It helped that they whispered, “We know it wasn’t your fault, mom.. You tried.”

 

“Somewhere out there… if love can see us through… 

Then we’ll be together… somewhere out there… 

Out where dreams come true.”

Somewhere Out There.. <

Thank you.

Thank you, smum. I will. 

Together

Hi growupmom, yes, i do write what i feel/think which may not be a smart move, cos people can be so judgmental at times that it deters many others to write as to how they see things from their own perspectives. But more often than not, they choose to only look at their own point of view. In general, people like reading good things and positive things but truth is, sheltered people don’t realize life ain’t a bed of roses. Mebbe their lives are, but i believe not many of us commom folk are as privileged. Everyone of us lead different lives. Most times, I write from my heart. I appreciate the fact that you have a way to empathise, that allows you to somehow feel the pain of others, for honestly, not everyone is blessed with this virture. Thank you for this.

I wrote and shared this when I was in sheer sadness and when I thought that all I have built upon have all come to naught. It’s one of the different ways of my dealing with this sadness and also to reflect upon what is right.. what’s the next step. Apart from this, I hoped to reach out to other spouses who may be in a similar depressing plight that there indeed is a way as long as we are willing.. as long as our hearts are willing.. BUT not to the point of being taken advantage of or being a constant punching bag. I have known friends and acquaintances who suffer from emotional distress (in fact, one of the severe ones was going through emotional blackmail) and also assisted in cases of physical and emotional abuse during a short volunteer stint with dysfunctional families. Many sufferers have no clear avenue to seek help with their anguish. Hence, most suffer in silence thinking it is their fate and there’s no way to change it. Fact it there is and there are, but different families require different ways in dealing with similar issues as this. Emotional abuse is much too invisible to seem that important to have a clear helpline for fellow sufferers. For those fortunate enough to have good and really close friends and good family support, they do pull through but still not without much effort and straightening out but for those who don’t, honestly, they need support. They need people who can listen.. I mean really really listen and not judge the things they have to share.

Just cos someone appears pretty jovial and cheerful, it does not mean they are absolved from feelings of emotional pain. It may just mean that is one of the ways they deal with their real lives behind all that positive aura.

I don’t need the children to talk to him because they always do. Like I shared in my writing, affairs with the adults need not concern the children much. We should find our way(s) to come to closure. My issues have already since ‘resolved’ (in fact it was under the bridge within the week) and once again, the family was together physically over the weekend and we are together in our hearts again as well. One good trait of hubs is that he does not like to drag deep issues, whether or not the issues are resolved eventually. =p But a good trait nevertheless. Because grudge-bearing is nasty and eats a person from the inside out.

Thank you for your prayers and I truly truly appreciate it for with all these prayers from well meaning friends (even cyber ones!), God took the time to lead us back together again.

It’s our wedding anniversary today and this marks how far I have gone through despite all the adversities.. despite all the negativity thrown at me.. despite everything.. we are still together, even in our hearts.

My heart has taken its time to heal again from that major episode and I feel rejuvenated after our love battery was charged. I read a quote today to share. It read : Keep your head up. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. I liked it!

Things are better than I remembered it last and I am missing him. Missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you’ve last seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It’s about that very moment when you are doing something and wishing they were right there with you.

Oh.. what telepathy! His text just came that he was missing all of us badly from where he is. Well, we miss him too.. 

Find a way..

Thanks for the link, csc. Missed chatting with ya like the old days. I really appreciate your note. I will be strong.. and when I am not, HE will lead the way… together with the lil angels he has given to me. 🙂

Dear buds I have read your

Dear buds

I have read your encouragement to me for far too many times. Its only recently that I started reading about you, your life and your struggles – somehow I kept missing reading about you previously.

I salute you for your strength – to be able to lend your shoulder and give a kind word when you yourself are in various difficult situations. That’s true grit. That’s true strength.

I really just want to say a big THANK YOU for all that you have written in support of my own struggles and my pain.

We can only get stronger. Cheers.

Take care n be strong.

Take care n be strong.

Yes I speak your heart language

Well said buds. We might as well be Writing each others diaries haha. I can feel your positivity, and your struggles, your frustration with the anger storms that explode like minefield. Do you wish for a more stable temperament to live with, like I do? Actually I realised that emotional hurts are worse than physical. Yes of course physical is bad, but we clearly can see..and show..this relationship cannot stay. It is very easy to draw a line. But emotional hurts…when you are not being respected and your kids understand there is a grievance and they ask, mom, did dad shout at you again..? These are not clear to people when we should draw a line and get out. We are muddled, outsiders are even more befuddled. Things look good on the outside. Why are we upset? Cause the husband only does this to family. Gasp! Plus it is not like this all the time. Right? So how much do we forgive and forget? I still remember this is how I felt during one of the bad storms. I cried my heart out . I was devastated. And yet, the man doesn’t understand a thing. He doesn’t see how hurt that got us. He cannot follow our emotional ups and downs. He thinks it’s even alright for him to have a temper flare. Who pushed his buttons? Amazingly, they won’t see a therapist. I don’t know how to handle this at all. I am trying to understand men. I realise I might have very mistaken in thinking that they are similar to girls. After all they are the same species. Time to reread mars and Venus :p Yes like you said there are a lot of ups. And good moments. And there was that reason I married him. He is the one. He still is. Even though recently I found out that he lied. About something. Not big stuff. But I have never lied to him. (am so honest that’s why he can get mad at my directness. hahahahaha) Honesty is the simple base I put my relationship on. I realise again, there is much to men I have not understood!! Here’s to relationships. And to life. And to growing up ;p *clink* and yes of course ..more *hugs * *hugs* *hugs*

Hang in there

Hi buds,

My respect for you grew dear. You really write from your heart – can ‘see’ your pain. Hang in there things will get better. Just call DH up and talk to him – sometimes it is just that first step that is tough. You write so well, think so deeply, are so STRONG – you wont go wrong. Just make that step to resolve the issues – get kids to talk to daddy …

Things will change for the better soon, praying for you. Be strong mommy, your family will be together really soon.

Inner reserves

Hi dearest curioxete, I still love the Montessori thread best. It’s a haven of the most dedicated mothers I have had the pleasure of being acquainted with, some even in real life. 

My own mother was not close to us. Growing up into adolescence we grew even further apart. She had a lot of expectations.. did far too many comparisons on us siblings against other kids she knew of.. but God was kind to let us have Daddie where we found love, solace, companionship, understanding and guidance. He liked being close to his children, joined us when we did our things, never missed a PTM or a sports even or any competitions we did whether we won or not, he supported us unconditionally. Even if some days, we didn’t do too well academically, he helped us see there are other paths to Rome. He is very close with my children as compared to Mumsie, even till today.

I aspired to be everything my mother was not because I want to enjoy a good relationship with the children I gave birth to.. to be the first one they turn to for good news or bad or to share their funny stories or sad. To guide them in life’s struggles and achievements.. to be good kids who can find their happiness wherever their lives take them. I hope to take comfort that I can raise them with all the love they can get so they in turn have more love to give to others.

I am very moved myself by your profound words of encouragement. I loved so much the phrase you coined :  inner reserves… I really love that. It means a lot more than just is. I am hanging on to my inner reserves and this week has been pretty good that I don’t need to rely on reserves anymore. It may be all cold and damp outside from the rain we’ve been having of late but it’s warm and pretty sunny where I am with my kids around. I believe, it will always be with them around.

To happier days…! *hugs*

Goodness me!

Goodness me! Finally.. someone who speaks the same heart language.. *hugs hugs hugs*

Yes, I hear you.. and unfortunately I too don’t quite get the taboo. While we do want to focus on the better things in life and maintain a constant positive outlook, not all our lives are similar. Hence not all the problems are similar as well. Awful things do happen to people. In fact, it happens to even the most positive people too. Most times, we don’t want ppl to find us a nag or a tad pessimistic, they who don’t understand, will downplay your sharings to a presumed misunderstanding of sorts with the spouse. The same ppl may also be unable to relate to the reality of such happenings. Believe me when I share that there are many who just want to shut out the imagery of such eerie sharings because of natural fear and/or the unwillingness to see the reality of such instances.

Since you can fathom (even if in part of what I’m getting at) my writings between the lines without me coming right out to say it as it is, you can surely tell that this piece was written with as many positive notes as it can fill. I was trying very hard not to overload on the anger bit.

These terrible fights.. Ok, so it happens but c’mon! We are no punching bags. Just because of a bad day, or their mothers gave them a hard time, or the kids are just cranky, or they misunderstood our good intentions, (etc).. does not give them the right to lash out at us, wives, do they? Emotional abuse and physical abuse are real, even if no one wants to openly speak about it. 

I get the part about not many friends. I was told that once married I should cut off my social circle, of course, only if I was a loyal spouse. One of my friends, was warned that she must not breathe a word of any ill-happenings to her side of the family to disrepute her spouse’s side, even when things got really bad. Another unfortunate one got her hair pulled and dragged across the hall with her baby sleeping in another room. These are the tamer sides to emotional abuse and spousal violence. Anger IS really a powerful emotion. Left unrestrained, it unleashes unpleasant words, actions and leaves many long years of hurtful memories.

If not for my son yelling and crying, stop…..

Your healing description is spot on. Very apt. Those many times when (emotional) cuts healed, the make-up hugs and kisses, the pretend-nothing-happened and we slowly try to get it out of our minds to concentrate on loving again… it comes yet again and at times the torrential lashings kinda get numb on us however, there are other times such instances can get us riled up as well. 

PS. There were sorry-s.. make up hugs.. kisses.. helping out the house.. the make-up feasts.. so yes, hanging on I still am. Seriously, simple gestures can make us happy, gentle understanding we appreciate, immerse us with love and you get tons back. 

It’s not that one cannot be angry. But when it happens once too often.. once too ugly.. yet every time forgiven.. the tendency that it can happen again is there. We are not condoning the anger and the actions stemmed from that anger, but we are hanging on to the roots that can hopefully keep all of us together.

Faith

My dearest happy to be mum..

I hope things are working out well with you because haven’t seen you around much around these places. 🙂 You have been my silent cheerleader for some time now and I want you to know how I truly appreciate that. 

I am feeling much better this week as compared to the last. The separation between us (with him away) couldn’t come more timely for I think it offers quiet resolve for now, so I can look at things from different perspectives without his presence, to charge the positive vibes that I seem to have been short of since that day we argued fiercely in front of the children. When I am feeling down, I sometimes think I will never see the day when he will appreciate me for what and who I really am. On good days, I think well, even if he thinks I’m not such a great wife at least I am a good mom to my children. But I sometimes push myself a little hard because I KNOW I AM a good wife and I should not receive half the things lashed out at me and definitely not worthy of his temper or his family’s snide remarks. Because when all else came apart in his life, I was there for him.

You are right about faith, babe… for that is about the only thing that keeps me sane and quiet moments (like when replying you this now) are when I can take time to slowly look back on the better times, instead of the heaps of bad ones. It helps keep my faith in check. *hugs* 

Thanks for dropping in with your love, your words of encouragement and of course HUGS, albeit virtual ones. I will take what I can get. Hee.. 🙂

PS. Can link me up to that song you mentioned? I’m liking those few liners/lyrics of the song. 😉

Hang in there!

Hi buds

I remember reading so many of your generous sharings on montessori methods previously. I personally felt like you are a model mum whom I aspire to be, so loving and close to your children.

Felt moved to post and encourage you after reading this latest post. There are ups and downs in life and you will definitely come out of trials stronger. Mummies have inner reserves we never thought we had and you are not alone!

May God be with you and your family as you work towards sunnier, happier days 🙂

Jia you!!

From another mother who knows at least in part what you are talking about, Jia you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There seems to be a taboo amongst us mothers for speaking about these difficult moments. At least I feel so.  I really wonder how many of us have terrible fights with our spouses, and after, couldn’t confide in anyone. Parents will be worried and upset to hear these..I mean the grandparents..we definitely can’t tell our children and goodness, we have not many friends left after spending all our time and energy on work and children..I cannot tell you how eerie it feels to read ur story (thanks for getting it out,btw) and see those bits of resemblance with my current family situation . Anger. Is such a powerful emotion. You are right, only love in all abundance can sail us through. And goodness. We know how many times we have been hurt, and cried, and became alive again.our children..are so pure and innocent..

 

Hang in there, dear buds, yes..and HUGS!

 

 

Being together..

Dearest DesertWind, you’re bad. You made me tear up! *pulling hair* 

He does know how this platform is my sanctuary although he doesn’t like that I am on it much. =p 

Despite his family struggles and subconscious repercussions that had subconsciously affected his demeanour when it comes to dealing with ours (our family), he has worked darn hard to continuously provide for us the best way he can and knows how, no matter how much, no matter how little.. I always try to affirm his doubts by acknowledging that I am thankful for the worldly possessions he has provided us and no matter how much, no matter how little.. our lives have improved so much and it is enough. Whatever more we may have will be extras. The kids too assure him that they need nothing more..

But we need him to be sure that he knows, all we have been giving him are our deepest love.. our utmost faith in him.. our unwavering support.. and we need him to be happy. Even though his anger sometimes consume him, we want him to understand that we do know that he sometimes does not mean it so, because people tend to say things they regret when they are angry. But being angry and hurtful, hurts us because when all else came down, WE were here for him. When no one believed in him, WE did. Each day he leaves to provide for us WE pray for him. When he thought God didn’t hear him, WE showed him WE heard. 

We hope he has us in his heart, as much as we have him in ours. We hope one day, he will really really know that all we want is our best for him.. We hope he can love us till nothing can come in between (not even his troubling family and hopefully not even the devil.. lol!) We want to be immersed in his love! For all that we have.. all that we want and need everywhere else, we have enough and we thank God for that.

It is solely this love that we need a lot of, to ensure that whether or not we are physically together, our hearts will always be.

Marriage shouldn’t be just about the provisions. Marriage needs love.

PS. He is away for work but we have been informed that he will be back for abit. Let’s hope being together tonight will help charge the love battery in/for our family. I suppose we really need that right now. Or rather… I am the one needing that. =P *sticking out tongue*

Here’s a rib-crushing hug for you, DesertWind!!! *HUGS!!!*

Strength

Hi sembgal.. firstly i have to give you a hug. So here.. *hugs* Your words sent an immediate attention for me to observe my emotional strength. It somehow looks like mine is waning, maybe more so because I am just really really worn out from all the giving.. Your words reminded me to pat myself on the back even when there’s no one else to give it, for I need to affirm that I am as strong inside as much as how I appear on the outside to ensure I charge up my emotional strength to soldier on. Thank you. I will take care of myself. I must love myself (you are right!) so I can continue to love my family the way I always have and if I still have it in me, perhaps love them even more. 

Trust me.. I have been through rough-er patches than the one now but I suppose writing it makes it clearer for me to reflect and perhaps help pull myself out of the rut.. it is a depressing feeling that I need to shake myself out of. Depressing thoughts can overwhelm a person more than we know it. So, shake it off, I will. 🙂 

God bless u too. Oh heck.. how about another hug.. *hugs* 

Thank you..

Dearest cmm, thanks for your kind compliments and your profound words of encouragement is very much appreciated maybe more than you know. I know how you’ve somehow just been around and I appreciate your quiet understanding, for sometimes one doesn’t need to be loud to be heard. So I want you to know that I hear you. I can hear it with my heart. Similar to how our children are our blessings, for they have this innate ability to speak to us with their hearts too. 

What I am going through is more what’s inside.. the emotional debate.. The heart is disputing what the mind has constantly tried to rationalize.. LOL! So, I’m like listening to them pitting both their sides of the coin. 

Be sure that I WILL hang in here for as long as this heart can take… for 13 yrs of everything that I’ve painstakingly built upon from scratch, has been heart work and it won’t justify giving it up without a fight… albeit tough ones.

Thank you, once again… for being around. *hugs*

Be strong

Dearest buds,

haven’t log in to KSP for a while and after reading your latest post, now just want to give you hugs and encouragement.  I always enjoy reading your post and always admired you for being such a great mum.

know you are having a rough patch now but hope and pray things will turn out well for you and hubby..  I always love this song: God will have a way when there seems to be no way..He works in ways we cannot see..  Have faith that things will fall into the correct places soon for you and family..

Mummy, 加油!

Mother's instinct..

Hi ftwmum.. I thank you for penning down your thoughts here and it is very heartwarming to know you appreciate my writings (and ramblings?)… for I write from my heart.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride since the last 13 yrs trying everything and anything within my means to offer the best of myself despite the obstacles that kept coming in my way. While I have tried to stand tall and be strong to hang on for this many years, it has come to a point where it is depressing to always be put/let down by the ppl around, hence the slightly odd sharing from me this time. 

While not all mothers are gifted with motherly nature, we have what you call a mother’s instinct that will reach within your very soul when the time calls for it. You will be able to somewhat feel that your child(ren) are trying to connect with you in a special way that tugs at you.

I have been a FTWM with my DDs, PTWM and WFHM as well and even as SAHM to date, I can tell you that none of these M statuses are any easier to balance, if compared amongst each other. Take heart that our children would know that whatever we do, whatever choices we make in this lifetime is to the best capacity of just being their mom. *hugs*

My only hope is that when the time comes for me to make important life-changing choices, my children will understand that no matter what kind of mom I am to them… I am still only human. 

God bless you too, ftwmum.

Oh buds_hubs, if you are

Oh buds_hubs, if you are reading this (even if not), please GO HOME! Your 4 kids plus wife need you. Nothing should be more important than this – being together with your family.  Poor buds….:<

Hangin' on..

Hi tired mom.. thank you for spurring me with your kind thoughts. I am still hangin’.. for sure. You know how they say, HE won’t test you more than HE thinks you can take? Well, sometimes when I sit and think about it, HE may have thought too highly of me. =p

Guiding the children to love, is my way of dealing with the good, in the way I know how..

I may not be as strong as I look. But I will try to hang on for as long as my emotional strength can take me. After which, if it means it didn’t work out, well… probably, it just couldn’t. 

But I tried.

Hang in there!

Just want to encourage you… you are incredibly strong. Hang in there, remember He is in control in good times and bad.

Hugs~

Hi Buds, I hv been a silent reader of all your writings and posts in the forum.  I must say that I have learnt alot of good from you.  🙂  – Im not naturally motherly :p

Hang in there and stay strong.  You are one strong woman and a fantastic mum. Jia You!

 

God Bless~

Hang in there Buds

Don’t know what to say to u, dear. To say that I know what u are going thru now would be dishonest.  Can only offer u my encouragement to keep on being the wonderful mother & wife that u have always been. 

Your kids & hubs are truly blessed to have u as their mother & wife.

Hugs.

 

Be strong Buds

Hi buds, seems like you are going through a rough patch. Do take care and continue to love yourself. God bless. 

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