As families prepare for the festive season, many people find themselves reflecting on their home life: the good moments, and the parts that feel harder to talk about. Relationship tensions often surface more clearly during this period, and for some couples, it becomes harder to ignore the strain in their marriage.
To understand these challenges better, we spoke with Nicholas Gabriel Lim, an adolescent psychologist and former Senior Court Family Specialist with the Family Justice Courts. With over two decades of experience working with young people and families, Nicholas has seen first-hand how divorce in Singapore affects both adults and children. His background in psychology and family law gives him a clear view of both the legal process and the emotional toll that it takes on families.
After all he has seen, Nicholas's mission is to support people who are dealing with relationship difficulties, separation, or divorce — with dignity, calm, and continuity. He is a partner at Amicus Curiae (pronounced “air·mee·kurs kyu·ree·eh”), where they bring together psychological support, coaching, and legal insight so that families don’t have to face difficult seasons alone.
In the conversation that follows, Nicholas reflects on the realities that families face when relationships feel heavy, and the steps that can break unhealthy patterns.
“People grow while life is still happening”
Q: You’ve been a psychologist for over 20 years, and in 2023, you graduated from law school. What drives the work you do today?
Nicholas: What drives me is a simple but powerful truth: people grow while life is still happening. We don’t get the luxury of pausing our responsibilities or struggles so we can “fix” ourselves. We grow in motion. And for individuals going through conflict or court proceedings, that growth is harder, yet even more important.
Q: How did your background shape the creation of Amicus Curiae?
Nicholas: My training in psychology taught me how the brain develops, especially during adolescence and young adulthood. My legal training showed me how intimidating and emotionally draining litigation can be for families. Bringing those two worlds together made me realise we needed a space where people could be supported as whole human beings, and not just as “cases.” That’s why Amicus Curiae was born.
“Children sense much more than we realise”
Q: Our readers are mostly parents. What do you wish more parents knew about how children are affected when their parents have a tense relationship, or are contemplating a split?
Nicholas: As the pain increases, families may push legal proceedings forward more quickly. In the process, children become the unintended collateral harm. In fact, children are the inspiration for us to start Amicus Curiae.
Parents in separation or divorce proceedings often underestimate how deeply the situation affects their children. The reality is that marital conflict can be even more damaging than divorce.
One thing I share with parents is that children sense much more than we realise. Even if disagreements happen quietly or behind closed doors, children can feel the tension in the home. They may not have the words for it, but they experience the emotional climate in the form of cold wars or harsh words and tones. When conflict becomes chronic, children’s bodies respond as if the home environment is unsafe. That’s when we start seeing anxiety, sleep troubles, difficulty focusing, or changes in behaviour.
Children also tend to make sense of adult problems by turning inward. They can start to blame themselves or feel caught between both parents. This emotional tug-of-war is one of the most painful parts for a child.
What protects children isn’t a “perfect” marriage or a conflict-free divorce: it’s how parents handle tension. When adults work together to offer stability, the outcomes are far healthier. Children are resilient when they feel safe and loved.
"First, calm your emotional state"
Q: For parents considering separation or divorce procedures, what’s one piece of advice before they take any legal step?
Nicholas: Make a decision after you understand the impact on your children, and not while you are overwhelmed by emotions. This matters more than anything else.
Parents who understand what their children need are more likely to make decisions that protect their children’s sense of security. Practically, this means doing three things.
First, calm your emotional state before acting. Legal decisions made in emotional overwhelm — anger, hurt, panic — often escalate conflict unnecessarily. So take time to speak with a counsellor or divorce coach, stabilise your emotions, and think clearly about long-term outcomes.
Second, understand what your children truly need: two parents who can cooperate. Before any legal step, ask yourself, “How can I move forward in a way that keeps my child out of conflict?”
Third, explore non-adversarial routes. Before filing, consider alternatives such as mediation, counselling, or collaborative divorce. These pathways reduce harm, reduce cost, and increase stability for children. Once you step into an adversarial process, it becomes harder to return to a cooperative one.
“A peaceful divorce is a skill, not a feeling”
Q: What would you say to someone who’s afraid that their marriage can't be saved? And those who feel a peaceful divorce isn’t possible?
Nicholas: If you’re afraid your marriage can’t be saved, I want you to know that it’s completely normal to feel this way. When a relationship feels stuck or broken, the fear usually comes from exhaustion, and not from a lack of love or hope.
You don’t have to decide the fate of your marriage while you’re hurting. Many people assume a relationship is doomed because they can’t see a way forward “right now.” But pain narrows perspective. Once couples get the right support, clarity often emerges, and it’s not always the outcome they feared.
I’ve also seen relationships change when behaviour changes. No relationship is hopeless as long as one or both partners are willing to shift away from blame and move toward connection. Sometimes, even small changes can improve the emotional climate at home.
Clarity comes from slowing down, so you don’t need to make a final decision today. What you need is a pause from the conflict, so you can think with calm rather than fear. Saving a marriage isn’t always the goal, but understanding your choices is. Some marriages heal, while others end. But both paths deserve dignity.
For those who feel a peaceful divorce isn’t possible, I want to offer some reassurance. A peaceful divorce doesn’t mean you agree on everything — it means you choose to protect your child and yourself from unnecessary harm. Peace is about how you choose to move forward, and couples with long histories of conflict have been able to co-parent peacefully when they shift the focus from “what went wrong” to “what our child needs now.”
It’s also not necessary for both parents to change at the same time. One person choosing respectful communication can soften the dynamic over time. A peaceful divorce is a skill and not a feeling. You don’t have to feel peaceful to behave peacefully. You don’t have to like your co-parent to cooperate with them. You don’t have to forgive them today to protect your child. Skills like structured communication and co-parenting coaching can make even high-conflict separations workable.
Consider these outcomes: when parents hold onto hostility, children pay the price. When parents choose respect despite their pain, children can thrive, even through divorce.
At Amicus Curiae, the message we want to convey most is that situations are seldom hopeless. Whether a marriage heals or ends, you can choose a path that is emotionally safe. There is a way forward, even if you can’t see it yet, and you don’t have to walk it alone.
"Family disputes don't have to be adversarial"
Q: What does Amicus Curiae offer that is different from other entities that deal with divorce, such as law firms?
Nicholas: We are trained in the law and we are “friends of the court.” This is what Amicus Curiae means. Our goal is to be a trusted “friend” for families in their hardest moments.
There are many law firms in Singapore that support families going through relationship difficulties involving the law, such as the divorce process. Although these are legal matters, at the heart of these challenges are relationship issues — the deep emotional and psychological bonds between people, and the desire to be free from longstanding pain or hurt. That is where Amicus Curiae comes in.
We are not a law firm but we know the law and the practice of the law. We are not lawyers and we don’t give legal advice or counsel; we don’t represent clients in court proceedings or formal administrative adjudications; we also don’t negotiate legal rights.
However, we do help with other dispute resolution processes, negotiate legal responsibilities, and even draft documents with divorcing couples for them to take it to a lawyer, when needed. If so, the lawyers would then submit to the court when couples choose to divorce on a contested track.
At Amicus Curiae, our work is guided by a “lens of care,” an approach drawn from the idea of Therapeutic Justice. This means we look at both the legal and emotional sides of a family’s situation. Our team isn’t made up of law-trained professionals only. We also have psychologists, therapists, and coaches working together to support families from every angle.
We believe family disputes don’t have to be adversarial, even when litigation is involved. Our focus is always on restoring relationships where possible. For those who want to understand how we work, we invite you to explore our Ethos page, where we share the principles and values that guide every step of our practice.
"Marriages don't fall apart overnight"
Q: Based on the marital tensions you've seen as a Court Family Specialist and psychologist, what do you do differently to keep your own marriage healthy?
Nicholas: After years of working with families in deep conflict, one lesson stands out: Marriages don’t fall apart overnight. Instead, they erode through small and repeated disconnections.
Because I see this in my work, I make very intentional choices at home. The biggest difference is that I don’t wait for things to get big before I address them. If something feels off, I check in early. Asking “Did that come across the wrong way?” or “I noticed you went quiet. Can we talk about it?” prevents things from piling up. Preventive repair is far easier than crisis repair.
I’m also mindful about not letting stresses such as work spill over into my marriage. If I need to, I take a moment to reset with a walk, a shower, or deep breathing. And if I’m not in a good state, I name it: “I’m overwhelmed today, so if I sound short, it’s not you.” That kind of honesty prevents misinterpretations, which build unnecessary tension.
Another thing I’ve learned is to prioritise connection over being right. I often remind myself: Will pushing this point bring us closer or create distance? Very often, the issue is not worth the cost of disconnection.
Because I’ve seen in my work how hostile tones and sarcasm silently damage a relationship long before separation, I’m deliberate about speaking respectfully, not weaponising past mistakes, and using “I” messages, instead of “You always do this.”
When I do get it wrong, which happens, I repair quickly. “I’m sorry” or “Let me try that again” goes a long way. I remind myself that my wife is my teammate, and not my opponent. This mindset alone prevents countless unnecessary conflicts.
A final tip: Don’t wait until a marriage is in trouble to behave like someone who wants to save it. I don’t assume that love runs on autopilot. I make it a point to express appreciation and to have small rituals that keep us connected, whether it’s a walk together or a quick check-in before bed. These little “deposits” prevent emotional bankruptcy, and they protect a marriage far better than grand gestures.
If this interview resonates with you, Amicus Curiae may be the support your family needs right now. Visit their website to learn more.
This interview is brought to you in partnership with Amicus Curiae.
