Husbands and Wives

I’m into my 8th year marriage and things are still progressing upwards.  We try to make ourselves more interesting for the other person. DH is a highly left brained person, so he’s into logic, figures, finance. For me, I’m a central brained, so I’m alot more ‘colourful’ and adventurous type. Though we are very different, we have very common similarities – we dun like idle talking (talking for the sake of talking, I think generally men dun like women to idle-talk), family-committed, independent, hates crowded places etc etc.

We find common topics to talk about – our marriage, our progression in life/career/investments, buddhism, fortune-telling, children, where our retirement place will be in (and all sorts of things that we love to discuss). You will need to know which topics both of you are comfortable to talk about.

For my marriage to DH, I am the one to look up for information on how to improve (the marriage), and we will discuss my findings (this is a huge topic to even talk about) and tune my findings to the relevance of our marriage. All chidren-related stuff (health, tonics, education, well-being) are my call too. Fortune-telling (I read alot in this topic) so that becomes his topic of interest too when he is looking to investments/career switch/luck level etc.

For him, his roles are generally into info-search for housing, investments, house maintenance, home finances. So we balance up and match ourselves to each other to make it more wholesome.

One place you might want to start is Marriage Builders or look up books (like The Language of Love, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). From Marriage Builders, we have also done up a questionnaire that reveals our priorities in a marriage (the beauty of such marriage sites, it does not promote putting children as the first priority). Such questionnaires might be simple (to fill) but you will be shocked to see how it reveals your spouse’s priorities in the marriage. At least for me, I was Shocked to see how much he (or men generally) places priorities in a healthy sexual life. We then discussed on these differences and for me, I will match up to his emotional needs and him to mine.

You should think of topics to talk about (except complaining about daily chores/ how to discipline children), or sign up for courses together. Sometimes, it’s good to leave your children out and concentrate only on your husband. Suggest going for movies, KTV, breakfast dates (we do that very often without the children).

If you read about Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, there might be a chapter that is relevant on why your hubby doesn’t like to talk? This theory comes from the stone-age days where men hunt and women take care of the children/household. And men after a day’s hunt, comes back cave (home) and fire-gaze (now more modern, called watch TV/newspaper) as a form of de-stress for them. Men while fire-gazing DO NOT like to be spoken to. If you notice, you might find it very common for men to just sit down and stare/flick on the remote controls. It’s their way of communication and by leaving each-other alone, it’s a respect of privacy. In another chapter, it also states that all men and women have a x number of words per day. And men usually talk alot lesser, bec their ‘words-per-day’ limit is many times lower than women. With this in mind, the authors encourage the wives to start talking to their husbands in the early portion of the day when the ‘words-per-day’ is reset. At the same time, wives get to use up their ‘word’ limit too. So by the time husbands come back home (after work) to fire-gaze, wives will leave them alone and not be too invasive into the husband’s de-stress moments.

Other than the theory part, we talk alot about our past, our courtship, jokes that we share. He does nice things for me to keep me sane from the daily child-minding business, like bringing the children to school, playing and bathing with them. We still talk about children, but we’ve learnt that we should NOT make that a huge portion of our conversation.

My 2c worth.

 

Hi cookiecreature, The

Hi cookiecreature,

The above scenario happens to us too. Think it’s important that we apologise to the other party and sit down calmly to talk over it when he’s more ready to talk. Don’t leave things the way it is. The trick is your tonation when you try to start the conversation on such a topic. Ask him if he would like coffee/tea (make him one), hear his tone and try to see if he’s ready to talk.

Ha! Talk about the 7-year itch, there were pretty much attention by those ‘crazy women’ from his work who send him messages and emails asking about him, rather than work. 

I am into my 7th years of

I am into my 7th years of marriage…. ha ha ha… 7 years itch.  I am begining to feel it.  Have 2 young childrens really leave me no room at all for my DH.  Just have a tiff with him because both kids want my attention and were crying while I was on a phone talking to a friend whom i have not spoke to for a long time.  I was hopping that he could put the kids to bed but unfortunately, the kids were jumping all over me.  I lost my cool and raise my voice.  Guess what next, he just walked out of the room.  First time in 7 years of marriage that he did this.  I was a bit upset that he just walked out with the crying kids alone with me… my turn to be mad.  (He left for hall watching TV destressing).  I was very tempted to walk out of the room to challenge him but instead I told myself to leave him alone and give space and moments for him to cool off.  he must be pretty much upset that I raise my voice.  Ha after reading Kudo message, I think it is like a gentle reminder, i am no longer angry but knowing that I am not alone.

I agree that long lasting marriage takes effort and great effort esp fm the woman part.  cookiecreature

Gingerbread couple

The gingerbread couple looks gooood to eat…

But….. my younger girl just commented that the gingerbread girl doesn’t have ANY HAIR!

 bÜds

Congrats to your 8th year marriage!

Congrats to you first of all.

It is admiring to hear that both husband and wife still have a lot to talk about after 8 years marriage.

For a lot of couple, once

For a lot of couple, once there are children, the husband will sort of disappear into the background.  I think most wife put a lot more focus on the children.  It’s a motherly thing.  It does help to have couple time alone so as to rebuild the releationship.

I really agree with the

I really agree with the part about wives leaving their husbands alone after work and giving space and moments for them to de-stress.

I remember in our early years of marriage , this problem of him not talking to me after work and I needing someone to talk to after a day at home with non-adults, was a source of conflict between us.

Thankfully, I’ve learnt to understand his temperament better and give him the space to unwind. For him, it’s sitting on the chair and reading his books. When he’s ready, he will talk. But he talks a lot more during weekends and especially during car journeys.

I also think it’s very important for husbands and wives to build their lives around each other and to develop common interests or to try to take an interest in each other’s hobbies. It helps in the communication and bonding process.

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