A Letter to my Daughter

Dear Dotty,

U hate my Nagging. I know that. U think it is the worst thing on earth. I know that too. U think that it is my favorite time-pass. I know that . But that is not why I do it. Read on …

U see, Nagging is a part of the job description of a mom. As a mother, I find it the most effective tool, in getting things done. The fear that “Oh no, I don’t clean up, she will get started again. And God knows when it will stop….”, is an extremely powerful motivator. Fear of nagging will empower U to overcome ur laziness to do ur work, temptations to watch the idiot box, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Just picture this – ur mind flashes the image of mummy (monster) in full nagging mode, triggers u into action mode and viola ! the seemingly impossible work is done.

I can hear u screaming, “But, but is this the only way, surely there must be a better way of doing it?”    I know U believe that science is God and anything else is not worth talking about. So let me tell U a secret.

I did my thesis on Nagging for my Masters in Motherhood (MOM). During that period I analyzed various methods of getting kids to do their work and believe me it was a pure scientific research work. 

The first option was Encouragement. After extensive case studies, I concluded that it worked only sometimes and was highly dependant on certain variables. Main factor is that the child should be “in the right emotional mindset” which translates into the child should listen to you. Between U and me, which child in his/her right mind would do so? Once a parent starts these talks, the child tunes him out in a jiffy. Relieved that (s)he has done the right thing the parent walks away and relieved that the talk session is over the child continues his old ways. So a big NO to this option.

The second option was the Reward system. U know that is the scientific term for bribery. This works but one essential requirement is that the parents have unlimited financial resource. Children are master manipulators (MM). They know all the tricks in the book and many, many more that are not in the book on how and when to up their demands, the necessary cute, innocent , poor-me looks and extract out the maximum possible of the poor parent (PP). The long term positive effect is MM turns out to be an excellent negotiator/salesman/or a banker. And the downside is you would have a ill-mannered, pampered brat in your hands. And if U don’t believe me take a look around – so many of them flooding our precious planet.

Now the third option was Punishment but U know I don’t believe in physical violence.

Ahimsa is my motto. So I wont even go into that.

Best for the last – Nagging. It’s in a class of its own. Of course, it is not easy. To keep harping on a single issue and pull in all the connected issues, to drag out all remotely related past incidents staring from the birth of the child and drawing out comparisons with all the “other kids” – this is no mean task. It takes plenty of practice and rigorous research. Yes Ma’m, Nagging is lot of hard work. But then parenting is no walk-in-the-park.

With some practice, the child (Naggee) is so attuned to the parent (Nagger) that  they know which situations will start the nagging and try their level best to avoid being in such a situation. U see Naggees are motivated kids with great observatoinal skills! And once the nagger has been triggered, they know to lie low and wait for the storm to pass. Naggees turn out to be patient kids! And they know to tune out the surrounding disturbances and focus. So the byproduct of Nagging is u get Motivated Focused and Patient kids. What more could a parent ask for?

And with time the Nagger becomes an Expert Nagger ie  the nagging within the Nagger grows and grows till it takes full control of the Nagger. Then there is hardly any effort required, nagging just flows out of the parent , (s)he could go on and on and on . So much so the Nagger finds it hard to stop. May I humbly add that I have now scaled to this expert level. 

Nagging is a scientifically researched process with great statistically backing and  has withstood the test of time.  Other techniques are time consuming, and depend on the mind set of the kid. Frankly speaking God only knows what is going on in a child’s mind. Sometimes I wonder whether even God knows. Nagging has the kick-in-the-butt effect that no other technique has. It is not dependent on the temperament of the child, his/her mindset, and costs the parent nothing.

I could go on singing praises of Nagging but you get the point don’t U? Smart gal. 

So the next time I start nagging, I am sure I will see U glowing with admiration at a mom who is using scientifically proven method and is an expert at that. Looking forward to that priceless moment, baby!

MM
(Monster Mom)

PS: This is a satire , I believe that Nagging is a form of emotional violence and fails to achieve the true purpose even when the job gets done. Some thoughts on communication I am trying to live by – 

Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard.

People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choicest words lose their power when they are used to overpower.

Attitudes are the real figures of speech.