Very sad to read so many mums agreeing with the Autocratic method of telling kids to do as they are told with the assumption that their children are so dumb to know any better. Children are the product of their parents and come to us with wisdom, intuition and a sense of themselves. They are not in training to be adults. They are children and are living in the NOW. Let’s respect that to begin.
Of course children are going to chat back, it’s called thinking for themselves. We should welcome this time. I read a recent parent blog about parents paying to send their children to a course that provides THINKING SKILLS, yet when our kids think and talk back, we cannot bear it ! Very confusing !
Perhaps when your child talks back to you, as one mum said she reasons with her child. Good for you ! When our children talk back, it’s so important as parents we talk back to them in a loving way and communicate with them effectively. This teaches them good communication! Answer their questions, reason with them and teach them. You are their first and foremost teacher, it’s your job to teach them. You don’t need to put up with rudeness or disrespect but you do need to address it in a loving way. "When you talk to me by raising your voice, it hurts my feelings. Please don’t do this. I am happy to talk with you and I don’t like being yelled at".
When children hear your feelings have been hurt, they are less likely to do it and more likely to apologise. However, when mums yell back, thus starts the yelling match and no body wins, no body teaches (Oh yes, parents have just taught kids to yell lounder!).
Don’t use abstract words like "I don’t like it when your so rude" – Rude is a label and can mean many things, instead spell out their behaviour "I don’t like it when you walk away as I am talking to you" tells the child excactly what he or she has done and is more mindful about what is upsetting you. "I am really disappointed that you did not ring me to tell me you were going to be so late. I was so worried about you" rather than "You are never going out again and you have no respect for not calling me blah blah blah"
"You" messages are very damaging and label and blames children – this type of labelling effects a child’s self-esteem, distances you from the child who begins to dislike you, and is ineffective in making the child do what the child does not want to do.
So try LISTENING to your child rather than constantly talking. It really does help! To listen mean to actively tune into what the child is really saying and no asking questions one after the other. Listening means to tune into the child’s real feelings and to empathise with them. Listening means to suspend your own agenda and listen to what your child is really telling you.
After all you want to nurture your relationship with your child whilst she or he is growing up to think enough to answer back to you. If you shut your child off, your child will never tell you anything and as the teen years approach you will hear yourself complaining to your friends "he never tells me anything" "I don’t know what he is doing or thinking or where he goes" etc. So start whilst your children are younger so that you will build a strong loving bond of trust and many loving conversations toward harmony and peace. In the process of talking and listening you will be teaching your child to think, become empathic young people and to relate to you in a loving way.