Stressed Relationship with Parents

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MissyYJ wrote: 
13 Feb 2022 16:05

Hi Sushi88,

You have brought up a lot of interesting factors that I have been missing from all these drama with my parents. I never realised my self worth and was constantly proving myself to them, hoping that I could get their acknowledgment.

Perhaps to them, I’m already at a age whereby I should have a normal working life, just like the rest of my relatives and peers. To my parents, they seem to think they I’m enjoying life? We didn’t talk much because it will always ended up in a heated argument and there’s no end to it.
Things got heated because of the way how my parents treated me in the past and I have told her how I felt – about how neglected she was to me while she can be the caring aunt to the cousins.
I won’t mind disclosing the fact that she was a guarantor for her nephew’s job (it’s kind of a bond thing) and while for me, I needed to slog and work to meet my ends. It wasn’t easy at all yet because of falls or I should say accidents? In total 4 of them, this made it even harder for me.

Over the last decade, despite my falls, I’m fortunate enough to escape major surgery. However, I suffered from post concussion symptom such as chronic lower back pain and migraines as I have hit my back and head on most occasions. With chronic lower back pain, it leads to chronic insomnia.

I won’t say I am fully recovered as I’m currently being treated for my migraines and dizzy spells.

Perhaps I have confused you, my apologies for that. I was allocated a science course – Optometry in SP but after a couple of months I dropped out as I didn’t have any interest in that subject.
I went on to study Diploma in accounting and subsequently ACCA. I have graduated a couple of years ago.

I went for professional counselling before, while I was seeking treatment for my lower back pain. Past issues with my parents was brought up.
As for her, I’m not sure if she’s open to it.

As for a middleman, I’m afraid most of my relatives will stand by her. Because to them, it’s afterall their sister, while I’m just their niece.
I do not have any siblings that I can asked for help as I’m the only child.

Right now, I’m on a verge of a breakdown and it’s either I break or I just let her be and I take care of my health and cut down on any further arguments.

Thank you for hearing me out and giving me advices, sushi88

It is good that if you can feel better because typically as a bystander, we just look at things more calmly. Being involved always takes the toll on one’s mind.

In any conflicting situation, the one thing to do is ask yourself if you can take a step back, put the past unhappiness you have experienced behind you. Sometimes it is just that one step back that would allow things to move forward smoothly in a stalemate situation.

For example, instead of arguing or getting affected by your parents’ frustration with you, is it possible for you to do certain things that you feel can get on the right side of them?

Without knowing anything about your daily living, I can only make some general suggestions.
As an only child, if you are still staying with them, by right, they should feel comfortable with that. To parents, nothing beats the company of having kids around them, that’s how I feel personally. However, in order to make your presence felt pleasantly by being an adult child living with them, think what are the things you can do to make them happy if financially it is not possible for you to help at this point.
1. Clean the house
2. Do the laundry
3. Organise things properly in the house or at least in your own room
4. Wash the dishes
5. Help to go to the market or grocery shopping on weekends (bonding time, we enjoy all the bonding moments)
6. Bake bread or cakes or make simple breakfast for the family.
Little things count…..In reality one does not have to be a scholar to please the parents though this is kiasuparents here in this forum. Parents are after all parents first and the kiasu part is also to ensure the kids can have a better life in future.

Also, try not to compare her attitude towards others and yourself if you can help it. It will only hurt yourself. See it as your mum being kind to others and stop there.

As for your medical condition, it would be good for you to share your appt, your x-rays, your medication with your parents or at least your mom. The more they know, then they can understand the trauma of the falls you have suffered. Also, if you keep falling, was it due to your mind distracted or a physical condition? You need to know so as to avoid future falls. If it is the mind, try not to think too much and be focused when you are up and moving about.
If it is the body, please check your feet if you have flat feet or something is not right in your legs? Then share these with your parents.

With ACCA, it is actually a good qualification. This is one qualification that you can work effectively even from the home. So in between jobs, perhaps you can look for that kind of work to stay financially able. You can also teach accounting if you are keen in teaching.

Now that you know your self-worth, it is only about how to think brightly about all the possibilities that you have and do not despair.

Parents are aging, and they have to deal with their own aging problems as well. If you think you have a medical condition, your parents are also undergoing bodily changes which they may not understand those changes as well.
Family is all about give and take. If we are willing to give, we can take with ease. If we are willing to take, we must give with ease too.

First mend the relationship properly with them….then perhaps you may be delighted to find out later all these frustrations shown to you now are actually worries of the future for you, since you are an only child.