Is your child equipped to handle rejection? 

For many Primary 6 children, their first brush with rejection could be realising that they haven’t succeeded in their Direct School Admission applications, better known as the DSA. This year, selected students will receive DSA offers directly from secondary schools by Monday, 11 September 2023 — just two weeks before the PSLE written exams begin.

What are the chances that your child will be rejected? Consider this: the typical DSA applicant has a 30% chance of being accepted. If your child has applied to highly sought-after schools, the competition will be even stiffer. 

In other words, the majority of applicants will not receive DSA offers.

Rejection can be emotionally challenging even for adults, so don’t try to sweep this under the carpet for your 12-year-old. If you’re wondering how to support your child through a disappointing DSA outcome, read on for our suggestions!

Discuss the possibility of rejection — and how to move on

While it’s still early, talk to your child about the different outcomes for the DSA. Your child should be aware that there are three possible outcomes: they may receive a confirmed offer, be placed on a wait list, or be unsuccessful in their applications. 

For each of the above outcomes, ask your child, “How would you feel if this happened?” Based on your child’s responses, you can gauge if they are mentally prepared for rejection. For instance, your child might say, “If I’m on a wait list, I’m not going to pin too much hope on it. I’ll just focus on getting into a school with my PSLE score.”

However, if your child admits that being rejected would be a big blow, it’s time for some self-reflection. Were you pushing your child towards gaining admission into a prestigious school? Is your child trying to live up to your expectations? Remind your child that just as exam results don’t define them, neither does the DSA. Encourage your child to have an alternate plan in place, by saying, “Let’s see what schools you might be able to qualify for, based on your current test scores. We’ll find a few good schools that you might like.”

Understand the stages of rejection

Despite your best efforts, your child may still feel the sting of not being selected by a school. Here’s what you might observe:

1. Denial: “This can’t be happening, I thought it was a sure thing!”
2. Anger: “How could they choose him and not me? I’m so much better!”
3. Bargaining: “Isn’t there more that we can do? Can we make an appeal?”
4. Depression: “I don’t think I’m good enough. I won’t do well in the PSLE either.”
5. Acceptance: “I’ll do my best for the PSLE papers, and there are other schools that I can thrive in.” 

Don’t try to rush your child through the stages of rejection — give them time and space, and allow them to grieve in their own way. To show your support, you can remind them about their strengths, and praise them for putting in effort for the DSA application. 

Talk through feelings together

Your child may be processing multiple feelings such as hurt, dejection, and envy. Watch out for negative self-talk like “I’m such a loser” or “Everyone’s more talented than me.” For specific tips on helping your child to break free of negative thinking, read our guide.

Share stories of failure and growth

This is the time to share your personal stories of failure with your child. Talk about how you felt, and what you did to bounce back. You can also look for stories online — google “college rejection stories” — to see how other young people around the world cope with disappointment. If your child is more receptive to stories shared by peers, you can see if your child’s cousins or your friends’ children can speak with your child and offer tips on resilience. The aim is to show your child that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Should you sense that your child might need professional support, consider booking time with a coach or a counsellor. A counsellor might be more helpful if your child is also dealing with past trauma or current mental health issues. You can read about the difference between mentors, counsellors, and coaches here. 

Let your child have a break

Sometimes, all a child needs is a break — to play in the park, dine out with the family, or watch a movie to be transported into a different world. Plan ahead so that your child can complete most major revision tasks for the PSLE by early September. This will allow your child to take a few recovery days to deal with disappointing DSA news, if needed.

Remember: DSA rejection is not personal

Regardless of age, some people deal with rejection better than others. The difference? Those who are unfazed are able to separate the rejection from their own value and self-identity. Instead of thinking “I’m not good enough for this school,” they are able to say, “I was not the right fit for this school at this point, but it’s OK as I have other options.” They focus on what they can control, such as improving their skills, and look for new opportunities to pursue. 

Your job now is to help your child realise that a DSA rejection doesn’t mean their dreams are over. Use this time to build your child’s resilience, and when a new door opens, they’ll be ready to put themselves out there again.

Need answers to your DSA questions? Refer to the Ministry of Education’s DSA website, or chat with other parents on the KiasuParents forum!