In the past weeks, two school bullying incidents in Singapore have caught the attention of parents, after they received media publicity. The first incident involved a group of secondary school students who taunted and assaulted a schoolmate, while the second involved older boys who hit a primary school pupil. Both encounters were filmed and shared via social media. 

These episodes show how physical bullying can easily spill over to the digital realm, which provides even more avenues for someone to be victimised by their harassers. 

Back in 2014, a Singapore Children’s Society survey found that one in four youths had been a victim of ‘traditional’ bullying, while one in nine had experienced cyberbullying. In recent years, however, cyberbullying has become more prevalent. Last year, a private study of individuals in Singapore — aged 15 and above — revealed that half had experienced online harm, such as cyberbullying or stalking.

When kids are younger and without access to digital devices in school, bullying tends to be confined to the physical world. But no matter where the harassment occurs, the definition of bullying is clear:

Bullying is a form of aggressive behaviour in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.

As parents, we can’t always detect if our child is bullying others, or being bullied. And if they do confide in us, we may not know how to respond. 

For insights on bullying in Singapore, you can look at research by the Singapore Children’s Society. Their findings for bullying in primary school, as well as secondary school, provide a sense of what bullying looks like in the local school context. For instance, for both primary and secondary school students, name-calling is the most prevalent bullying act, while girls tend to experience more relational bullying than boys (e.g. ostracism).

Who is More Likely To Be Bullied? How Does Bullying Happen?

To answer this question, it’s good to look at research beyond Singapore, which is more in-depth and extensive. A case in point is the findings highlighted by Kids Include Together (a US nonprofit), which suggest that the following characteristics can increase one’s risk of bullying:

• Having a disability or special education need
• Being overweight or underweight 
• Not being able to afford what peers consider “cool”
• Mental health struggles, including depression
• Being perceived as “weak” (both physical or mental)
• Being perceived as annoying or antagonising
• Identifying as LGBT+ (non-heterosexual)

Parents should also be aware of the common forms of traditional bullying, besides name-calling. These include:

• Being the subject of rumours
• Being pushed, shoved, tripped, or spit on 
• Being excluded 
• Being threatened with harm 
• Being made to do things that one doesn’t want to do
• Having one’s belongings taken away or destroyed

For cyberbullying, typical behaviours include:

• Sending abusive or threatening messages
• Sharing embarrassing images or videos
• Trolling with upsetting messages
• Excluding kids from online games or groups
• Online shaming or setting up hate sites
• Encouraging self-harm

What to Do if Your Child is Being Bullied?

Concerned that your child is being targeted by bullies? These are some signs to look out for:

• Unexplained injuries
• Lost or damaged belongings
• Frequent headaches, stomachaches, or faking illness
• Sudden changes in eating habits; skipping meals or binge eating
• Trouble sleeping or recurring nightmares
• Dropping grades, lack of interest in school, or avoiding school
• Loss of friends or avoiding social situations
• Feelings of helplessness or low self-esteem
• Self-destructive behaviors like running away, self-harm, or talking about suicide

If you notice the above signs in your child, or your child confides in you that they are being bullied, you can use the local resource bullyfree.sg to plan your next steps. Here’s what they suggest:

• Hear your child out. 
• Empathise with your child, and affirm them.
• Ask your child how they would like to respond to the bullying, and how you can help.
• Seek your child’s consent to contact the school for support. 

If you have contacted the school but are dissatisfied with the school’s response, you can proceed to contact the Ministry of Education.

We also recommend listening to a Focus on the Family podcast on bullying, featuring a local father-and-son pair. The son, now 14, was bullied in primary school, and he confided in his friends, as well as his family. 

Upon realising that his son was being bullied, the father first met up with fellow parents to seek advice, and was encouraged to approach the school. When speaking with the school, the father displayed empathy towards the bully, emphasising that education was the key, not punishment. Because the bully had targeted other children as well, theirs was not the only family to raise a complaint, and the school was compelled to take prompt action. 

Ultimately, this close-knit family adopted a strategy to overcome the bullying, which could be summarised as:

• Check-ins: Make time to ask about your child’s day in school, who they are spending time with, and what challenges they’re facing.
• Communication: Allow for open communication with your child; be willing to hear all kinds of stories, not just positive ones.
• Cosy corner: Create a safe space in your home for heart-to-heart talks. This can be a special nook, or it could just be the dinner table. 

What to Do if Your Child is a Bully?

Suspect that your child might be picking on their peers? Below are some signs that your child might be a bully:

• Aggressive behaviour, such as physical or verbal fights
• Obsessed with popularity or social acceptance
• Social network includes kids who bully others
• A lack of sympathy for those being bullied
• Frequent trips to the principal’s office or detention
• Unexplained money or new belongings
• Blames others, avoids responsibility
• Spends excessive time online (common for cyberbullies)
• Prone to testing limits and breaking rules

As the parent of a child who is bullying others, you will have to try to understand exactly what it is that your child has done. Talk to your child’s teacher, and ask your child to explain their side of the story. Listen carefully without interrupting, but also make it clear that bullying is unacceptable. 

To help your child reflect on their actions and understand the impact on others, you can take these steps:

• Ask open-ended questions: Instead of accusing, ask questions like, “How do you think the other person felt when that happened?” or “What would you feel if someone did that to you?” This encourages empathy and reflection.
• Use real-life examples: Without being too preachy, share stories where bullying has led to negative consequences. It could be a story from the news or something from your child’s school, helping them to relate better.
• Role-play scenarios: Have your child act out both roles — the bully and the person being bullied. Ask them how they feel in each role. This helps them to see both perspectives.
• Talk about responsibility: Explain that taking responsibility means acknowledging what they did and making an effort to change. You can say, “It’s important to own up to mistakes because that’s how we learn and grow.”
• Set specific goals for change: After discussing the situation, agree on clear steps that your child can take to improve their behaviour, like being kinder to others (e.g. giving positive comments or offering help) or avoiding situations that lead to bullying (e.g. limiting screen time or avoiding certain social media platforms). Regularly check in on how they're doing with these goals.

When it comes to bullying, taking action early can make all the difference in preventing long-term harm. Whether your child is being bullied or engaging in bullying, your guidance can help them to overcome these challenges and build healthier relationships.

Want to chat with other parents about school bullying? Join the conversation on the KiasuParents forum!