YWC2013-1 Entry 01: 2013 and me

Author: preciouslove
Age at 1 Jan 2013:  8 years old
Word count: 1079
 
Overall score: 7.24

“Hi!” said a voice over the telephone. “Are you excited to go back to school?” “Of course!” I replied to my friend, Nadya. “Why?” she questioned. “I am excited as I am ready to bring down the top student to the pits!” I told her as a-matter-of-factly. It went quiet right after that reply then suddenly both of us let out a loud guffaw almost simultaneously. “Change the topic.” Nadya resumed, still giggling and trying to control her laughter. You see, the top student in our school has been the top student for the past 4 years. Yes indeed. Top in class and topped the level every single year. “Okay, how are your family members doing?” Nadya asked. “They’re all fine, thanks for asking.” I replied. She followed up with another question. “How are your siblings?” My answer was simple. “Annoying.” I told her, smiling wickedly to myself. “ The next reply from my best friend tickled me pink. She quipped, “I love my siblings and it brings me joy taking care of them. You, on the other hand, are more annoying than your siblings actually.” We hung up after quite a long conversation after which I felt that I was even more looking forward to go to school than ever.

Speaking of school, the words motivating me about school is ‘always do my best’ so though school life can be hectic, it is part and parcel of being in school. I cannot imagine not going to school, as I will definitely miss all the fun activities, interesting lessons and of course being with my hilarious friends. I am thankful my dad works so hard to pay for everything. Had it not been for him, I would not have new schoolbooks. I would have to make do with hand-me-down textbooks that belonged to my messy and irresponsible sister. Most of her books are dog-eared and doodled with the names of the boys she ever had a crush on. Yes, yuck. Rolling my eyes now. I may have to brave the hordes of other commuters who would be taking the same public bus as I do to go to school, instead of taking the school transport. Then, there is the ever so important pocket money, uniforms and so many other things that only money can buy. In exchange for daddy’s kind acts and all he had done for us, I would do my best in my studies and hopefully get some money from the government and share it equally among my five family members at the end of the year. *wink* Read : Edusave.

Then there’s my mom. My mom, she has a youthful face with light-brown shoulder length hair and is courteous, kind and smart. To put it simply, my mom is as pretty as a picture. She is what people call a stay-at-home-mom. SAHM for short. She needs to take charge of the house when daddy is working. I think mom is the best. She can really multi-task. I am blessed to have such a splendid mom. My mom is my personal chef and I always love to rate her dishes. I always encourage her to have her own cooking show because the dishes she whips up are always beyond expectations. Even without tuition, I have been able to manage so far with her as she has been a good teacher for me. She helps me with anything I am unsure of with regards to my studies. Well, almost anything except for bar modeling. Even so, I realized she bought guide books on bar modeling so we can learn together. How sweet of her. So come 2013, I would really love to have more time with her. I do understand that my baby brothers require more attention with my mom. I really DO understand. I know my mom is trying her very best to find time for me every day. Now that is what I call a daughter’s instinct. Not only mothers have an instinct. I honestly understand her hard life as the babies do not give her any peace. Poor mom. I really care for her so I try to be less annoying so she can refrain from nagging at me and also help out with the boys when I can. 

Note to mom : No matter how much you nag at me, I know it is for my own good.

As for my sister whom I mentioned earlier, I just hope the New Year will bring a new attitude from her. Like being less lazy in her studies, not bullying me (at home or in school!), not bugging me with her constant and irritating singing and play her part at home being a good daughter to mommy and daddy and a good sister to all of us. Especially me. Even though she has been most mean to me, I wish her all the best for the BIG paper next year. You know? The one they call PSLE?

Now about the two annoying twits who take my time away from mom… For the elder, grow up already and go to school, scream less at me (I didn’t do anything to you except love you!) and I hope he does not give me a hard time next year. As for the cute yet troublesome little baby, I hope he sleeps longer! Especially, when I am bonding with mommy. I need bonding time! It is important for a growing girl like me.

Last but not least, ME! I will work harder to improve my studies even if I cannot beat the top student. My aim is to get Band 1 for all my subjects, if possible. I hope not to waste time cleaning up my room all the time which means I have to maintain the cleanliness of my room. I would like to be more responsible, to be less annoying (like I can?) and spend time with my love ones especially with my grandparents whom I affectionately call, ‘gramps’. 

Note to self – Life is never fair. If there are obstacles that come my way, it is part and parcel of life. My mom once shared with me about overcoming obstacles. That it is not about how hard you fall but about how strong we rise up from the fall that matters. 

There is no way to separate my family when I talk about myself because my family is a part of me. So 2013, here we come.

Judge Score Comments
Duncan Rose 8

A well-written piece of work. This contained some odd phrasing such as ‘for the elder’ and occasional errors with absent prepositions. The format of the reported speech could be improved as well. Content was strong with a good lexical range and few tense errors.
 

Esmonde Luo Jianwen 7

Vocabulary:  2/3
Grammar:  2/3
Content:  3/4
Total:  7/10
Comments: Generally an ambitious piece. Long, nice, sentences were attempted – a useful skill to master. However, some of them were flawed. On a whole, the grammar was pretty solid; a wider range of vocabulary would have been appreciated, though the writing was generally engaging. The writer shows a heartening maturity when it comes to connecting with his/her kin, and it is this that shines through in the writing.
Link to detailed comments
 

Neo Yi Qun 8.2

Content: 4
Candidate effectively conveys sincerity in her appreciation of those who are important in her life. Anecdotal encounters with each character progress systematically. They do not come across to the reader as being forced or feigned. A certain maturity of thought is observed through candidate’s writing. Overall relevant to the topic. 

Language 4.2
Appropriate use of interjections in speech but the first paragraph went too heavy on conversations. Grammar is largely immaculate other than a couple of minor grammatical and punctuational errors. E.g ‘my love ones’ vs ‘my loved ones’ (correct)
Good sentence variation and mixture of voices. Writing does not require extensive vocabulary to convey thoughts effectively. However, it is mildly on the lacking spectrum. 

 

R. Miskam 6

Strengths:
Ample use of transition words and phrases to connect ideas within and across paragraphs
Writer’s voice is authentic and imbedded within the textual information
Uses precise words to show, and not tell
Good language skills, fluent writing

Weakness:
Writing has an interesting beginning, however it lacks a clear meaningful thesis statement.
Conclusion is unclear, does not bring closure to the essay.
The stream of consciousness style of writing is not suitable for the topic given. Topic given requires an expository style of writing. 
 

David Squires 7

The writer has a reasonably good vocabulary. There are some good phrases, (a loud guffaw, quipped) which the student sometimes used effectively. The passage starts with direct speech which is a common and appropriate way to begin. As the writing goes on though it seems to lack unity. It is not clear what the writer is trying to achieve and it almost comes across as 4 or 5 quite separate pieces of writing which had been written to reach the required word count. It would have been interesting if the writer had extended the telephone conversation to Nadya and managed to weave all of the separate reflections into the one conversation giving it a more cohesive feel.
 

 

Related Articles