YWC2013-1 Entry 03: 2013 and me

Author: Legofan
Age at 1 Jan 2013:  12 years old
Word count: 544
 
Overall score: 6.48

2013. A new year is just around the corner!

2013 is going to be a very special year for me, because I will be a teenager, something I have always looked forward to since when I was young. To have that freedom, that independence, that discipline.

Even though next year I will be 13 years young, there is something that will stay the same within me even if I change without. My heart. My heart will still remain the same young one which will never grow tired of my soft toys, even if physically I grow taller and stronger. 

Talking about fitness, one of my new year resolution is to visit the gym more to – well not exactly lose fat because I am not really fat, but let’s just say, to train my muscles. 

However, I have more things in mind. Being a teenager comes with more responsibility. I have to take care of my parents, housework, all these while I do my homework for 9 subjects! A really big increase in number from 5 back in primary school!

Another thing I must improve on is my sense of responsibility. Every year, I lose so many things that my mother has to spend at least $50 on pencils, pencil cases, water bottles, and sometimes even my wallet! 

I hope to earn some money so that next year I can exercise even more independence. Shhhhh… I’m also quite excited to be free of my mother’s incessant nagging! Haha I’m just kidding.

Even though this essay is supposed to be about 2013, I feel that it is still important that we look back at 2012, look back at what we have done and memorable experiences with friends and family.

The most memorable event of 2012 must be that the world was supposed to end. I read that the Mayan calendar did not account for leap years since leap years were only introduced in 400+ A.D. by Julius Caesar. So actually 21/12/12 was supposed to be June 2012 in the Mayan calendar, meaning that the world is supposed to end 6 months earlier! False alarm!

Enough facts for now.

I’m also a big big fan of BPL (Barclays Premier League) and I don’t support any team but I like to watch the goals. But… did you know that the average attendance of spectators for every match is almost 36,000? Sorry for another fact!

My favourite moment of the year will be Michael Phelps’ standing ovation during the London Olympics this year. This moment serves as a reminder that hard work is everything and I will always want to be like Michael Phelps, never giving up and always striving for the best. 

Another of my favourite Olympic moment is the time when Usain Bolt lost the 100m semi-finals. Everybody was talking about whether he would still win this event. Despite not qualifying for the pole position, as one would call in Formula 1, he was not disheartened. Fueled by his determination and drive, he flew towards the finish line, clinching the gold medal.

2012 has indeed been an eventful and inspirational year for me and I hope 2013 will be even better. (It will definitely be better with an iPad! Hehe ) Time for a new adventure! Bon Voyage!

Judge Score Comments
Duncan Rose 6

This felt curiously jumbled. Several sections were quite random. There were a few grammar errors with tenses.However, the biggest issue was that it felt like a stream of consciousness rather than a planned piece of work. It tended to jump around the subject without feeling like a cohesive whole.
 

Esmonde Luo Jianwen 8 Vocabulary:  3/3
Grammar:  2/3
Content:  3/4
Total: 8/10
Comments: A very clean, simple, and effective piece. An interesting use of very simple words and a refreshing perspective compensate for the lack of content in this short essay. Furthermore, the few grammar errors that do exist are inconspicuous enough to be ignored. Good job!
Link to detailed comments
 
Neo Yi Qun 7.4

Content: 3.6
‘Enough facts for now’ ‘Sorry for another fact!’ ‘Even though this essay is supposed to be about 2013..’
Candidate’s choice of sentences suggests elements of uncertainty and the fear of deviation from topic. It comes off strongly that the candidate’s writing carries the theme of hope and improvement. However, it is somewhat undermined by the choice of words as illustrated above.
Writing is relevant to topic.

Language: 3.8
Non optimal phrasing observed. Example:

‘The most memorable event of 2012 must be that the world was supposed to end.’ vs ‘The most memorable event of 2012 must have been the world’s supposed end'(better)

Appropriate choice of words in the last two paragraphs to convey expression effectively, e.g disheartened, fueled by determination etc
 

R. Miskam 5

Strength:
Purposeful use of sentence structure to enhance intended effect.

Weakness:
Paragraphs needs be to further developed, no clear thesis or purpose
Insufficient, unclear and irrelevant information
Sense of purpose and/or audience is unclear
 

David Squires 6

I liked the introduction. Short, simple sentences with ideas that everyone who has been a teenager (i.e. all examiners) will be able to relate to. There were some interesting facts that the writer could have built upon more by including their personal reactions. For example, the interesting fact about the Mayan calendar. How did the writer feel about it? Was it something he/she took seriously or was he amazed that so many other people could be worried about such a silly notion? The writing would be much improved by having  a coherent message. What is the writer trying to say with all the facts in the writing?
 

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