YWC2013-1 Entry 04: 2013 and me

Author: Busymom’s Daughter
Age at 1 Jan 2013:  8 years old
Word count: 531
 
Overall score: 6.76

2013 could be a special year for me.

In school this year, I kept thinking how exciting 2013 would be. Would I be chosen as a prefect next year? Would I pass the GEP test? Would I be good in Science? Would I top the class? I have so many goals that I could not decide which is the most important.

Let’s start with the first.

Prefects are also called “student models’ in my school. I would like to be one as prefects are usually chosen as MCs for important school functions. It would be fun! Also, I would like to be a role model for my fellow classmates. They patrol the hallways and look out for bad behaviour of the students. To be a prefect, I have to wake up early every morning to reach school on time (I think prefects should reach school at 6.30am but I wake up at 7.00am!)

I expect all of you to know what GEP is (just in case you do not know, it is a program for ‘gifted’ students and it stands for Gifted Education Program). Being a GEP student would be fun. The classroom would be in another building which is air-conditioned and you can have your recess in the playground! However, you have to run to the canteen to buy food, and run back again to eat as fast as you can as you have to be on time for the next lesson. Still, I expect it would be mostly interesting to be in GEP. To be a GEP student, I have to do more assessment papers and try not to talk in class. 

Science is a whole new subject for me. I rarely read encyclopedias and non-fiction books and I only have one Science enrichment (I used to have another one but I quit after half a year as it was so boring). I do not know why non-fiction books are so boring. For example, they do not have jokes to make the books interesting. If they do that, I bet readers from all over the world who do not like to read non-fiction books would swarm to their local bookstores to buy the books.  I think Science is super hard. For example, how did the Big Bang start? There is so much to learn. If I want to be good in Science, I have to read more non-fiction books and encyclopedias.

This year, a girl called XX topped the level for overall score. In the annual prize-giving ceremony, she received three trophies. I aim to beat her. To do so, I have to do more assessment papers for every subject and try not to get distracted so often.

Every year, the top five students in each class will receive a trophy in the annual prize giving ceremony. I aim to win a trophy for Primary 3 and top the class, just like in Primary 2. My mummy told me that the subjects in Primary 3 will get harder and harder, so I have to study more.

If I can do the things that I have listed down, then 2013 would certainly be an exciting and rewarding year for me.

Judge Score Comments
Duncan Rose 8

Some minor tense errors i.e. ‘If they do that’ and some occasional preposition errors were noted. However, the majority of the piece is well written and clear. It flows well and has a clear purpose.
 

Esmonde Luo Jianwen 5 Vocabulary:  1/3
Grammar:  2/3
Content:  2/4
Total:  5/10
Comments: Generally decent; grammatically acceptable, and has very clear, comprehensible explanations. However, what this essay needs is more punch. One way to achieve this is to use descriptive language in order to ‘show, not tell’. Also, in place of vivid life experiences, the writer could have employed humour so as to engage the reader more.
Link to detailed comments
 
Neo Yi Qun 7.3

Content: 3.6
A child like innocence is conveyed through writing. Concerns and thought processes give writing an authentic flavour. However, this piece of writing slights towards one dimensionality, focusing only on school as compared to the previous entries. It also lacks a certain developmental arc which is probably a skill not acquired by the candidate at such a tender age.  A good start nonetheless Writing is relevant to topic.

Language: 3.7
Appropriate vocabulary repertoire for primary 3 writing.
 

R. Miskam 6

 

Strengths:
The writer has successfully addressed the writing prompt and adhered to the structure of expository writing. 
The introduction captures the attention of the reader and the main ideas are briefly stated in this section. 
Main paragraphs are well developed, each one contains a topic sentence as well as supporting details to substantiate the points.
Writer’s voice is authentic and convincing, with a consistent point of view.
Conclusion reinforces thesis and gives closure to the essay.

Weakness:
Limited use of appropriate transitions
More precise and accurate words are needed to create a clear message.
 

David Squires 7.5

This entry was very well organized. The introduction was linked to the rest of the writing and the writing was obviously well-planned. The paragraphs make good use of topic sentences. The student clearly states their aims for the year and each one is expanded upon later on. This kind of thing can only be achieved with planning – something which too many students avoid doing. It is an impressive piece of work.
 

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