Why was I labelled stupid?!

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Why was I labelled stupid?!

Postby mamalade » Sat Feb 28, 2009 8:45 pm

My husband travels occasionally for business and training. Just the other day, my dear mother-in-law called me STUPID - twice over dinner, in front of my children, husband, father-in-law and sister-in-law just because it was not in my agenda to follow my husband to his 1 week training in China!!

I was quite boiling mad when she said that. But I reasoned with her quite calmly that the kids have school (P3 & P1), my commitment and priority is here, there's so much that I need to see to - not to enjoy myself in China! Moreover, what would I do there all alone when my husband is having training the whole time? That was when she chided me STUPID the second time!! Geeez!! :x

If she thinks its about infidelity, then sorry man! I have absolute faith in my husband. How can I not?? :love:

How will you deal with mothers-in-law like that? Who likes to put people (especially the family) down in front of everyone and still maintain the respect just because you don't want any rifts? Are there any worser ones around?

mamalade
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Postby mintcc » Sun Mar 01, 2009 1:19 am

sorry to hear that mamalade ..you must be so hurt.

Some times though old people are like that. Also, I realized in some families terms that most people view as insulting is actually used commonly among family members. One family I know use terms like "stupid", "crazy" among their own siblings and even to their parents :!: So do not take it too hard. May be she say such things because she see you as "own people" and any way, it sounds like she is saying it out of worry for you.
Last edited by mintcc on Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby mamalade » Sun Mar 01, 2009 8:20 am

Thanks for your comfort Mincy. I think you are also quite right that some families communicate this way. Luckily my husband not like that. It's hard for me to swallow it down as I grew up in family where respect (big or small) is significant.

But I will get over it. :wink: I just needed to vent it.

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Postby mintcc » Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:38 am

hey, no worries... I know...forum is such a good place to vent like that. Good thing your husband not like that....that's the most important part :wink:

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Postby Guest » Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:28 pm

Ya, it's true that family most times speak worser to one another, familarity breeds contempt?

So no worries to share as we understand perfectly the harshness of close family members. My MIL may not use hurting words, but she may say hurting things nevertheless. So it is not the power of the words, but the lack of power of sensitivity that makes things worse. As for not travelling with hubby during business trips.....yes I have been asked a few times as well. Even if the word "stupid" is not used, it was definitely strongly inferred....but at the end of the day...I think like you...if I have things to settle here....how to enjoy myself with a free mind? Anyway if you want to know how to deal with this...my style is Art of Oblivion. I am very selective in my attention, I know how to be oblivious when I choose to.... and communication with my hubby is more important than lugging around him all the time during business trips. And if I am a man, I will feel quite "fan" lor if there are kids to mind and the wife wants to go along all the time.... :lol:
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Postby mamalade » Mon Mar 02, 2009 8:37 am

Yes I totally agree with you.

First of all, the hubby did not ask the wife to join him on the trip. If he could, I am sure he will ask me. What's more, tagging along might seem really awkward to his colleagues as well. What will they think? I may consider going along a trip if its the school hols that I can bring the kids too. But really, not during school semester. :roll:

Art of oblivion... hmmm... must learn from you. :lol:

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Postby winth » Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:23 am

Hi mamalade,

mamalade wrote:First of all, the hubby did not ask the wife to join him on the trip. If he could, I am sure he will ask me. What's more, tagging along might seem really awkward to his colleagues as well.


I wouldn't want to be involved in his business trips as well. Will be really boring staying in hotel and it's really meaningless going shopping all alone, not to mention all the air pollution in the city area.

I hope I won't cause you to worry too much, but just to share from my personal experience:

My hubby's first night in Shanghai (his very first business trip), he was doing his own shopping and decided to take a short-cut through one of the darker alleys to reach the hotel. There was a pimp 'stationed' there, when my hubby walked passed him, he asked:"先生,有兴趣挤奶吗?" He politely shook his head and :siam:, never took short-cuts anymore.

One other thing is that in China, the Chinese there likes to bring their clients/guests to karaokes (usually not the typical K-box) and going for massages (is very common after-dinner activity), there are 小姐to accompany them, plus all the hard liquors they will order so as to show their clients/guests on their hospitality. It's their culture and way of gratitude for business.

Maybe you might want to hint to him to shop near the main streets rather than dark alleys. Plus prepare some medicine for his liver in case he needs to drink.

Your MIL's worries sometimes are not unfounded too. My hubby told me there are lots of married men (on business trips), who go for their 'adventure' lifestyle. For my hubby, he rejects all karaoke sessions and yes, he does put a risk of offending the Chinese locals. But, sometimes it's a choice he needs to make - family or career. He will MSN me every night when he reaches the hotel, that's one way I can *keep my fingers crossed* that he is not out there fooling. We sms on a daily basis when he's in China and he will tell me he's sian, need to go factory look this look that. Sian need to go for dinner again. Then as a wife, I'll do my part by being there with him and telling to that it's gonna be over soon and that the boys miss him and DS1 cried last night (to remind him about family importance).

My hubby's cousin who is a lawyer, brings his wife there for all his business trips. As he owns the consultation company, his wife is like his secretary in meetings and dinners. In this way, he prevents himself from doing the 'wrong' things and his clients, knowing his wife is present, will automatically not ask him for the karaokes and massages.

My MIL did not follow her husband when he was on business trip to China (which was scheduled for 6 months), guess what happened?

I think the key is don't be too paranoid about your husband going to China but at the same time, you will need to be on the alert too. Sometimes, too many distractions and temptations on the outside world, may cause a very loving family man to stray too.

My 2c worth.

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Postby mamalade » Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:37 am

Hi Winth! Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

My hubby was not there for a biz meeting trip. He was attending training with other countries counterparts and first time in Beijing. :lol:

Anyway, yes like you, we msn every night and keep in touch via sms. Luckily for me, his job does not require him to entertain as he is not in sales so he has not been in the karaoke or drinking sessions. Which is why I feel that as a wife, I know where my husband stands during his trips and more so, I should not be in his way. My kids and I occasionally follow him to nearby countries (like Bangkok or KL) when he has a few days meeting trips. But only if they fall during the school hols...

My MIL did not say this to me the first time. A couple of years back, my hubby also travelled to India for training for a week and I too got labelled the the same thing for not going?? I mean, I'm not living a life of luxury here. I'm a stay home mom and my children depend on me. How can I abandon them to enjoy myself? I just wished she would have been more understanding than that. Instead of showing support, she puts me down instead? Totally uncalled for. :cry:

Sigh.

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Postby winth » Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:52 am

Hehe... that's good to know.

I think end of the day, we as wives tend to have better gut feeling about our husbands.

mamalade wrote:A couple of years back, my hubby also travelled to India for training for a week and I too got labelled the the same thing for not going??


India dun need to worry one... :lol:

mamalade wrote:I mean, I'm not living a life of luxury here. I'm a stay home mom and my children depend on me. How can I abandon them to enjoy myself? I just wished she would have been more understanding than that. Instead of showing support, she puts me down instead? Totally uncalled for.


True lor... need to learn Art of Oblivion like was ks2me does.
Nowadays, I'm developing this kind of Art to my MIL and SIL too. Anything, just pretend that you hear and see no evil. It's a very useful art of defence to prevent self from getting hurt. 8)

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Postby mamalade » Mon Mar 02, 2009 11:00 am

Hahaha! Ya must learn from both of you now! I shall endeavor to master the Art of Oblivion!! =p

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