Single women and adoption

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Single women and adoption

Postby pinky » Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:34 am

What are your opinions regarding single women adopting children?
Recently, my 2 close friends who are single working women in their
40's brought up this issue because:
1. Chinese tradition-someone to 'song zong"-see them off when they pass away
2. They won't be too lonely when they grow old
These were the reasons their mothers wanted them to adopt and my friends are understandingly :roll: but their mothers kept pestering them
and even offered to pay the adoption fees.
Both my friends are financially sound and one of them is living on her own. They are not interested in marriage and very likely stay single for
the rest of their lives.
My opinion to them were:
1. In this difficult times, may not be a wise idea bec you need $$$$ to
bring up a kid, not to mention that the kid is biologically not yours
2. Why they choose to stay single-bec they don't like kids? If so, then
what is the point of adoption?
3. Having kids don't guarantee that you will never be lonely when you are
old
4. Bringing up kid is a huge responsibility and more so if you do alone
Please advise.

pinky
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Re: Single women and adoption

Postby kaitlynangelica » Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:55 am

pinky wrote:What are your opinions regarding single women adopting children?
Recently, my 2 close friends who are single working women in their
40's brought up this issue because:
1. Chinese tradition-someone to 'song zong"-see them off when they pass away
2. They won't be too lonely when they grow old
These were the reasons their mothers wanted them to adopt and my friends are understandingly :roll: but their mothers kept pestering them
and even offered to pay the adoption fees.
Both my friends are financially sound and one of them is living on her own. They are not interested in marriage and very likely stay single for
the rest of their lives.
My opinion to them were:
1. In this difficult times, may not be a wise idea bec you need $$$$ to
bring up a kid, not to mention that the kid is biologically not yours
2. Why they choose to stay single-bec they don't like kids? If so, then
what is the point of adoption?
3. Having kids don't guarantee that you will never be lonely when you are
old
4. Bringing up kid is a huge responsibility and more so if you do alone
Please advise.


Is it legal in the first place to adopt if you are not married?

I don't think it is fair on the child as you can't give a stable and happy family environment ;ie one with mother and father.

kaitlynangelica
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Postby sashimi » Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:10 am

My first challenge would be: if a woman does not have the mentality, mind, attitude, will, tenacity to be a wife, does that qualify her to be a mother?

Having said that, I grant that marriage is a man-made practice and thus not a biological necessity for having a child or rearing one.

However, human beings cannot be compared to animals when it comes to parenting. We have far far more complex psychological needs.

In short, in my opinion, I feel that to be a good parent to a child requires great strength of character and tremendous EQ. If a person does not have the attributes, eg. the necessary EQ, to be a good spouse, I am skeptical that this person can make a good parent. It is as if marriage is a test. If a spouse in the context of a couple cannot overcome their problems, woe be to them to have children.

However, there will always be exceptions, so it depends ultimately on the person in question.

The only other thing I'd add is that nothing in life prepares one for parenthood. It is near impossible to judge if an inexperienced adult can become a good parent, even if this person is successful in all other aspects of life.

(FYI, I think marriage is over-rated. I'm quite ok to a couple living together and having kids, even if they are not legally married. However this is not the same issue as single parents).

sashimi
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Postby csc » Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:39 am

It is legal to adopt a child even if single. However, the relevant authorities ,before giving their approval, need to be convinced that the parent must be financially stable and with a good family network to care for the child.

My friend who is single, adopted a girl from China a few years back and since she lives with her parents, they provide the family support for the adopted child.

Well, a family with parents who are not on good terms may not provide a stable and emotionally secure environment for a biological child too.

csc
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Postby Guest » Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:41 am

Honestly speaking if they are like that :roll: , then it would not be advisable to do so. Barring the fact whether they are eligible by policies set by the MND, if their heart is not there to take up this responsibility, it is not fair to both parties. Both will suffer throughout the journey.

People stay single for several reasons and whether to adopt or not has to align with the reason for staying single. If the very reason to be single is the freedom to do as one wishes, then adoption will go against that philosophy. Adopting a child just to see them off at the end of the journey is a selfish motivation. In that case, buy a slave, can work for them and at the end have to take care of their end-days tasks before can redeem the slavery contract. :lol:

Some people stay single because they cannot find a suitable partner to start a family but in their heart, they are prepared to be all-giving to a child as a mother which they are not given a chance to be one, then that is a different case. Even with this passion, it must be checked that it is able to burn forever and not just to fill an immediate void that will deplete with time. A child is a complete privilege and responsibility to have, not something to trifle with for fun. JMHO.
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Postby mintcc » Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:46 am

I think the objective is important. If it is just to have some one to song zong and avoid loneliness, then the objective is flawed to start with. Those fate have befall many who have their own children so adopting is not a good solution for that.

I do not share the believe that one need to have a spouse to be a good mother/father. In fact, I respect women who choose to adopt or become single mums even via artificial insemination. Sometimes, not everyone have the good fortune to meet or be with someone whom they will want to share the rest of their life with. That should not rob them of parenthood should they have the desire. There are many orphaned/neglected/abandon children who will benefit from the love and kindness of such individuals.

But adopting and bringing up a child is not an easy task even if financials is not an issue. It might be even more difficult if the child is not your own and when you do not have the support system to help you out. One must have the desire to give the child all one's love because once you adopt, you will be legally and morally responsible for the well being of the child not just when they are cute little baby and preschoolers but all the way till they a grown up.

But if your friends truely desire to help a child and give them the opportunity of a loving family and education, and is ready for motherhood then it is commendable and they should explore further. Bear in mind that there are many unknowns when you adopt. The genes of the parents play a part in the outcome of a child. The child may be prone to certain illness or have been abuse as a baby. One needs to know what one is in for when they make the decision. If in the end after wieghing their intentions and understanding the pros and cons, if your friends still want to adopt then do give them all your support and blessing.

mintcc
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Postby EstherTan » Wed Mar 25, 2009 12:02 pm

Just a quick few cents...

I think it's not just having a *spouse* that qualifies having a child (adopted or not), but living with another person (that is not from direct family) and learning from scratch how to survive together and to accommodate each other provides good grounds in preparing people to be parents.

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Postby pinky » Thu Mar 26, 2009 8:12 am

Thank you all for the advice so far.
I did bring up some of the points to them and the main issue I feel is that
they feel obligated to adopt because their parents told them so
(their parents are in their late 70's and they worried my friends would be lonely when they get old). However, I feel that should not be the reason
to do so bec it will be so selfish to impose on the adopted kid. Morever with the change in values and expectations in these 'modern' times, there
is no guarantee the kid will eventually repay their kindness.
I told them that if they are worried about being alone when they grow old,
they can always consider living together to take care of each other. :D

pinky
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Re: Single women and adoption

Postby clarabella » Thu Mar 26, 2009 10:38 am

kaitlynangelica wrote:Is it legal in the first place to adopt if you are not married?


Actually there's no legal requirement that one must be married in order to adopt. The main requirements are that one must be at least 25 years of age and at least 21 years older than the child.

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Postby Guest » Thu Mar 26, 2009 10:56 am

pinky wrote: Morever with the change in values and expectations in these 'modern' times, there
is no guarantee the kid will eventually repay their kindness.


Actually this is an area which should not be a consideration either. When one gives, give willingly regardless of repayment of kindness otherwise it becomes conditional and calculated. Even if there is no repayment of kindness, on the bright side, one would have enjoyed the experience of bringing up a child during the time spent together and understanding what it means to be a mother. There are mutual benefits. Even for natural parents, would we say there is guarantee that our kids will "repay" our kindness for bringing them up? :wink: No lor......

And if the child is brought up unkind, I also believe part of the contribution is in the upbringing process so parents will have to share the responsibility of the outcome.

What is the most important criteria for adoption is one wants to do it and not obligated to. All other reasons are really not crucial other than the willingness to do it, like volunteer work. JMHO.
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