桃花谈

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桃花谈

Postby insider » Thu Feb 07, 2013 10:57 am

I will be using a recent incidence that I encountered as a 'case study' for this 桃花谈.

For the year of Snake, those who are the 'Horses' in Chinese horoscope will meet many 桃花s. Just exactly what is 桃花 and how to avoid (and even accept) those 烂桃花s will be what I am trying to 'preach' in this thread.

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The case:

My sis has two daughters, aged 24 and 18. One graduated from uni and the other one waiting for her A level results (which I think she will be doing well).

My sis’ relationship with her husband has not been good. She found a pix of her husband with a scantily dressed woman in a place that looked like a hotel room. She ever consulted me for divorce advice that I gave but then she didn’t follow up and so I let it be. She has been in cold wars with her husband for many years (never resolve the matter and yet don’t divorce, living life in bitterness and resentment).

18 years old daughter has been seen as a ‘good girl’ from young – studious, obedient, and timid. A very pretty girl with shiny big eyes and porcelain skin. She is very innocent and naïve compared to many other girls of her age, like she still can play hide-and-seek happily with my 10 years old son, showing the patience that most teenagers will not have (and thereby implying that she is genuinely enjoying childish games).

My sis is a very hot temper woman since young (bad temper maybe due to a very hard childhood when she had to take care of 5 younger siblings in a very poor family. Can say that she started to 当家 at around age 8, doing the washing, cooking, ironing, babysitting, etc, while my parents were out looking for a living. An 8 years old taking care of 5 kids, can imagine what kind of ‘discipline’ she will have to instill in us in order to make us toe the line – much torturing from her when I was young under care.) Nevertheless, she is still an ultra filial daughter to my parents (her key goodness).

She discipline her kids in about the same way – very strict and at times highly unreasonable (once she says something, the other must obey, else = upside down). She doesn’t take advice from outsiders, incl parents and siblings. It’s common to hear her say, “Everyone has her own way of disciplining kids. When I am disciplining mine, you don’t interfere.” Much as we feel her way is not right, we have to let her be else her kids may kana even more.

Few months back my 18 years old niece called me and asked me whether she could come and stay with me (now my daughter is in UK and so got spare room). Sensing something was not right, I replied as long as her mum is ok, Ah Yi welcomed her.

So niece stayed with me. She is working some part time jobs. So, we go work in the morning and after work have dinner at home. My house is livelier with her around (even dinner can cook an additional dish).

After about a week, I told her she must go home oredi else her mum might get upset. Then she said she didn’t want to go home coz “I HATE MY MUM!”.

Then, she started crying and pouring out all her grievances in her growing up years. We spoke for many hours…

To be continued...

insider
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Re: 桃花谈

Postby flametree » Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:21 am

Hi Insider,

I'm so glad you are back!!! :)

Flametree

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Re: 桃花谈

Postby sunflower » Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:40 am

Hi insider, welcome back! :smile:

:welcome:

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Re: 桃花谈

Postby sleepy » Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:45 am

好久不见 :welcome:

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Re: 桃花谈

Postby SAHM_TAN » Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:48 am

Hello insider. Glad to read new post from you. :smile:

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Re: 桃花谈

Postby BeContented » Thu Feb 07, 2013 12:18 pm

Tho i only started reading your postings quite a while after joining, I had enjoyed whatever I had read so far :)

Glad to see you back. :rahrah: Yeah, got nice & interesting things to read liao :dancing:

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Re: 桃花谈

Postby insider » Thu Feb 07, 2013 1:27 pm

thanks everyone, jedamum incl, for the warm welcome!

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It was a ‘pouring’ session that I listened patiently.

She said:

- That she dislikes my sis coz of her complete authoritarian style.

- That the only reason that she studies so hard is becoz she is so scared of being caned. She doesn’t see the point of studying (I know her general knowledge is very weak but excel in textbook knowledge that I find not healthy all this while).

- That she yearns to have more free time to go out with friends and when she is out with friends, she hates it when my sis called to track on her as if she is a lying thief or whatever.

- That she cannot understand why she has to be born to my sis and have a ‘wicked’ mother like her.

- That she wants to get out of the house asap and hopes she can stay in the school dorm when she enters uni.

- That she hopes she will have minimal contact with my sis as in every conversation, she must tries to think very hard so that no words will upset my sis.

- That as a parent, it is my sis’ duty to bring her up and so why have to keep reminding her that she (my sis) is the one supporting her financially.

- That no friends can understand her when she talks about her tyrannical mum and they find her exaggerating.

- Etc.

Seeing her tearing so badly, I couldn’t let her go home (concerned about suicide).

Racing fast in my head is how to 'agree' with her while at the same time cannot make my sis look like a monster (one of her descriptions of my sis).

I shared with her I can understand how she feels coz I was ever in her position before. In details, I told her how I was being tortured by her mum when I was young till about 12 years old:

- I was ever so badly caned with a deep cane mark across my face that was bleeding in one of my regular caning sessions.

- She pinched me with her finger nails often all over my body, incl my face, that also left marks on it

- I was made to kneel for long hours.

- I was made to do ‘half squat’, also for long hours (that's why now I still have good muscles!!)

- Overall, I suffered a lot of emotional and physical abuse under her care for about 11 years.

Niece was ‘pleased’ that at least someone ever been through something similar to what she has been going through.

I asked niece so how she assess the way I have been treating my sis now?

She said “You are very kind to our family.”

I further asked how could that be possible when my sis inflicted so much pain in me?

She asked, “How can you forgive her huh?”

I replied coz of as I grow older, I got to understand the burden that my sis was carrying with her when she was young. That due to her inability to handle the stress, she threw it on us. That after I grew up, I got to see the beauty in my sis, that without her, I maybe worst than I could become. So, in that sense, I started to see my sis as a ‘mini mummy’ to me and with that thought, she deserves me to be filial to her in whatever way. My definition of ‘filial’ is to obey and is to shut up my mouth not to retaliate in rude manners even if that she is not right. Such obedience has to come from the heart and not on surface only = real filial.

I advised her to take a step backwards to take a new look at her mum – from her mum’s childhood experiences, the education level of her mum (Chinese educated at ‘O’ level with poor results), the age of her mum (going through menopause), and her state of marriage (unhappy), and her health (stomach ulcer since young due to bad temper and now having high blood on medication). That if given a choice, her mum also doesn’t want to be the way she is right now. Besides licking her own wounds, I guided her to look at the other person who maybe more wounded than her. Overall, the subtle message here is 仁慈 – that once a person has it deep enough, she will learn to appreciate more and complain lesser = more contented and be happier.

Niece listened attentively and seemed to absorb maybe about 20% of what I was trying to preach. At 18, it’s not easy to digest such looks simple but difficult to master preaching (even many many adults also cannot get it).

We talked for about 5 hours, late into the night, ended with me having this big question mark of how to reconcile the mother and daughter. I know I have to do something before this fire that is burning in my niece kills everyone in her family, herself incl...

To be continued (be patient hor, 桃花 coming up later. Need to lay the base first coz all the 因果 / cause and effect are related)…

insider
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Re: 桃花谈

Postby toddles » Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:55 pm

sure, we don't mind long sharings here.... :snuggles: esp from jie jie...

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Re: 桃花谈

Postby Joule » Thu Feb 07, 2013 3:09 pm

hi auntie;

I am a kentang younger person.

Can you tell me why this is called 'peach blossoms discussion?'

good talk, by the way

Joule
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Re: 桃花谈

Postby insider » Thu Feb 07, 2013 3:15 pm

Joule wrote:hi auntie;

I am a kentang younger person.

Can you tell me why this is called 'peach blossoms discussion?'

good talk, by the way


Hi Kantang

I shall see whether my favourite 'potato uncle' will come and reply you or not. wait huh...

PS:
There will be a full explanation of what is a "peach blossom' at later part coz even some chinese literate dont get the full meanings correctly for this...

insider
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