Temper Tantrums

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

Temper Tantrums

Postby edunloaded » Mon Aug 23, 2010 12:35 am

I'm at a loss. My demure 2.5 yr old daughter decided to start whining and fake crying. It has never happened before, and we suspect she learnt it from this really whiny kid at child care.

In any case, please advise how to handle this? My other two kids never had this "battle of wills". We are at a loss how to handle and stop her fake cry.

First: Something triggers her. it's usually something quite valid.
Second: We soothe her, settled the issue.
Third: She starts her "I don't want" chant. on and on.

We tried the cane. She didn't stop.
We tried the quiet corner. She didn't stop.
We tried ignoring her. She didn't stop.

The record is half an hour.

Please help. It gets quite embarassing too in public. help....

edunloaded
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Postby smurf » Mon Aug 23, 2010 12:43 am

Dun think she learnt it from other kids, but she might be going thru a different phase now. My boy is going thru this also now at 2.5. Caning, timeout usually dun work for him.

He can cry for hrs btw. Unless something distract him.

smurf
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Postby autumnbronze » Mon Aug 23, 2010 10:03 am

DS seems to be slowly getting out of this phase .... it seems to be getting lesser and lesser.

What works for me is to ignorance (up to 45 minutes). If I am at home, I deliberately start making myself busy doing something. He can cry till the cows comes home but I refuse to attend to him. While doing my task, I will keep on repeating like a robot that I will only come to him or vice versa if he stops crying. Then we can talk.

There were times when he would lie on the floor or move/jerk about violently. Then, I would just stand around near him, pretend to look busy on the pretext of keeping an eye on him because I don't want him to injure himself. And keep up with the above mantra.

Sometimes, depending on his degree of tantrum, I will very firmly give him two choices for him to decide. For eg, he will start throwing a tantrum as he does not want to brush his teeth before going to bed. I will tell him "life is full of choices, either you brush your teeth and come to bed and I will cuddly up with you and read your favourite story book OR you stay in the bathroom until you are ready to brush your teeth. If we are already sleeping, then you stay in there the whole night." And I will leave him in the bathroom (of course, I will keep an eye on him discretely). After a while, he knows I mean business and he will acquiesce. Now, when I say "life is full of choices, either you stop crying OR ..." before I complete the sentence, he will say "ok mummi, I will stop crying."

But I have to caution you that this will only work if you 'put a stone in your heart' and keep your word to punish him accordingly because you have to 'bear' with his crying. I do believe that sometimes, parents have to be cruel to be kind, as mentioned in some of my posts before and this is my personal parenting belief.

For me, the ignorance and the 2 choices method works best because this can be practiced if you are out too, say in the mall or park. Just need to establish clear cut and simple rules for them to understand and stick by them.

Its a phase they are going through. Hope this helps and rest assured, you are not alone :D

PS: Some triggers I observed in my DS are tiredness, lack of sleep, the fact that he's just spent the day at grandparents' house and they let him get away with a lot most times and sometimes I suspect he deliberately does it to test us. The first two though, seems to be the most common. So I have had to sit down and talk to him about learning how to manage his emotions, though its going to be a long process before he truly understands that. But of course no harm in trying/starting young right :wink:
Last edited by autumnbronze on Mon Aug 23, 2010 1:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Postby smurf » Mon Aug 23, 2010 1:39 pm

Yes, autumn is right. Ignorance is the best method, if u dun want to be violent ie caning, beating.

But, it takes a long period of time before she turns good.

Ds2 started this phase even before he reached 2, and he is still crying throwing tantrum. Can u imagine I need to bear with his nonsense for hrs? And he can throw tantrum many times in a day.

Giving choose is a good method too, but only if she understands. Ds2 doesn't and to make things worse, he still cannot talk yet, so very hard for me to know what he wants.

It may takes many months or evn 1 to 2 year for things to be better.

God bless! :D

smurf
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Postby Sun_2010 » Mon Aug 23, 2010 2:02 pm

smurf wrote:Yes, autumn is right. Ignorance is the best method, if u dun want to be violent ie caning, beating.


True.

i understand ur plight, been thru it too. Know how emotionally draining it can be.

Not only is ignorance the best method, caning especially at this tender age only instils fear.

smurf wrote:Giving choose is a good method too, but only if she understands. Ds2 doesn't and to make things worse, he still cannot talk yet, so very hard for me to know what he wants.


Feels like pulling out our hair doesnt it - u want to be reasonable and make him understand / listen to him but he just doesnt get it!!!

But pause a moment- can you imagine how it must be to him. at this age he has the mental growth to feel a range of emotions and wants to tell u his trouble, his anger - but he is unable to find words to make u understand it. He knows its his inability and that makes it all the more frustrating for him.

When i realised this it made me less emotional and more patient. Its not easy, but then its for ur child and so ....


:hugs:
- u will get thru this .

Sun_2010
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Postby Han Seo » Mon Aug 23, 2010 5:09 pm

As the rest have said, ignoring is the best strategy for whining but you will have to "tahan" the whining/complaints before your child learns that it has no effect on you. Tell her you are going to ignore her (and explains what ignore is) unless she stops whining and speak to you in a speaking voice (and please demonstrate what 'speaking voice' is). In fact, if you find that her whining/complaints gets louder, it means it is working as she is trying her utmost to get your full attention.

Finding out the events that may trigger the behaviour is also useful as you can try and pre-empt it (e.g. tired/sleepy). Giving simple choices is also useful because after all, we all want some control over our own life, don't we? Simple choices, such as, you can brush your teeth after taking a bath or before taking a bath. You may also want to allow your child to choose her own toothbrush/toothpaste when you do your grocery shopping. And perhaps make brushing teeth/bath time fun e.g. sing a song, pretend to be Ninja Turtles killing all the germs in the mouth etc.

And finally, don't forget to praise her when she finally displays the appropriate behaviour.

Han Seo
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Postby autumnbronze » Mon Aug 23, 2010 7:38 pm

smurf wrote:
It may takes many months or evn 1 to 2 year for things to be better.

God bless! :D


Hi smurf,


You may have a point cuz you know your child best. But go on the belief that things WILL get better.


:hugs: to ya and hang in there.

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Postby sleepy » Mon Aug 23, 2010 7:43 pm

autumnbronze wrote:this will only work if you 'put a stone in your heart'


Agreed!
For us, the first struggle & test of boundary began with car seat. Both my kids cried hysterically throughout the journey the first five times they were strapped to their car seats. They got the idea eventually, no further discussion required. Babies can tell what is not negotiable :lol:

sleepy
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Postby smurf » Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:25 am

Hey Sun and Autumn,

Thanks! Will try to hang in there.:)

smurf
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Re: Temper Tantrums

Postby clueless_mother » Wed Aug 25, 2010 1:21 pm

Dear Edunloaded,
I empathize with you. This terrible 2s and 3s is a passing phase. Just bear with it. Nothing much you can do. My kid's paediatrician say they just want attention at this age. I know how embarrassing it can be in public. So i usu try to stay within jurong area. Should they misbehave i head straight for home. I chose to ignore such behaviour mostly. The key here is perseverance. Kids these days are smart and always pushing boundaries. Set your boundaries and don't give in to their unreasonable demands. Good luck in parenting.

clueless_mother
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