BGR challenges for parents

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BGR challenges for parents

Postby Huimin » Thu Sep 02, 2010 12:28 pm

Hi all
Got a niece who is very popular with boys in her school. My sis reads her SMS once in a while to keep tap of her and finds multiple messages from boys with mushy texts to her. She is not going out with them and keeps to her few good girlfriends and is not giving us any problems right now. She is in fact very studious (asked for tuitions and worried about results) though can be defiant/rude sometimes at home when nagged at by my mom.

We are not sure if we should address her SMS with her or just let her be.
My sis went to pick up her report book (Sec 3) once earlier this year and her form teacher noted she is rather close to "this boy" - sitting close to each other in class. However she is unsure if it was a BGR. She highlighted it to my sis but felt she should not interfere as a teacher.

Can anyone advise us what we should do in this situation ?

Thanks so much !

Huimin
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Postby verykiasu2010 » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:45 am

create an opportunity to "broadcast" your policy statement on BGR for teenagers and make it seem like "by the way" kind of thing

you need to have rehearsed and thought through all the possible responses and questions and answers to make the occasion spontaneous instead of making the kids feel like they are being targeted
verykiasu2010
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Postby buds » Mon Sep 06, 2010 12:14 pm

I adopt the indirect as a matter of fact or did you know stance for now
that my girls are younger, akin to what verykiasu2010 is suggesting.
TV time offers many teachable and spontaneous moments on BGR &
also relationships ie. friends, family, lovers, couples, elderly (etc) like
those Ch 8 dramas. We talk about it together and the girls get to trash
their doubts. This way we also get to learn what they actually have in
their little minds and create the avenue where we can satisfy their
curiosity by discussing and answering some of the questions they
may have pertaining to relationship issues.

buds
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Postby MMM » Mon Sep 06, 2010 12:37 pm

My niece (Sec 3) this year is in a all girls school. However, she gets to meet alot of boys at tuition centre, through her CCA, etc....

She is my friend in FB and many a times, I can see a couple of boys always commenting on her posting. I know that she is of that age :love:and she is not bad looking so it's not surprising if there are boys after her.

During one of the gatherings, I had a casual conversation with her. I mentioned that wow.... who is this and that guy???? He always got a lot of feedback on the FB,etc... So she told me that he is from this school, etc.... Then went on to comment that her daddy is very stern with them,etc... confiscated her phone. From our conversation, I can sense that she is keen on BGR and someone is probably chasing after her now. I personally think it's normal for this age.

So i spoke to her about the whole BGR thing. I told her it's ok to make more friends, know boys,etc... There is nothing wrong with that. BUT, it's not advisable to get into a relationship as your focus will change. Eg. due to BGR, her results suffer and she cannot progress on, is that what she wants in life??? I spoke to her about the realistic/ material aspect of a marriage. Does she want to get caught with some guy who cannot bring the bacon home and she must slog hard????? Is that the lifestyle she wants? I also told her it is important not to get physical. Imagine.... teenage pregnancy? What's gg to happen after that? I also warned her about friends on FB. It's just not safe to share those information,etc....

I went on to relate to her about my teenage life and my bfs, etc.... she probably think it's "cool" to hear about that from a auntie since such things are meant to be hush hush that even her mum don't know???? Teenagers think we live in prehistoric age but there are wild times that we had too when we were teenagers. It's just a passing phase of life. Personally, I emphasize to her that it is NORMAL to like member of the opposite sex at this age, etc... but just don't do the wrong things that she will regret. It is important to protect herself. Also, I shared with her the best time to get a BF. Eg. during uni.

She was pretty receptive to what I said and my sil told me that her girls "idolise" me :| . I never told my sil about my conversation with my niece. I personally feel that it's easy for me to hold this conversation with her to guide her to the right path. Maybe she finds it awkward to speak to her mum about it as mum's 1st response might be "NO BF!!!". One day, i probably need her to counsel my daughters :lol:

So i think getting someone to talk to her about it helps. Make sure the person is open minded and don't condemn all thinking otherwise they will be very resistant. Share with them the views being guo lai ren and also reassure them. They are old enough to understand. If a guy really likes her, he can wait. Also... there are many fishes in the ocean :wink:

MMM
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Re: BGR challenges for parents

Postby Fairy » Wed May 18, 2011 4:52 pm

MMM wrote:My niece (Sec 3) this year is in a all girls school. However, she gets to meet alot of boys at tuition centre, through her CCA, etc....

From our conversation, I can sense that she is keen on BGR and someone is probably chasing after her now. I personally think it's normal for this age.

So i spoke to her about the whole BGR thing. I told her it's ok to make more friends, know boys,etc... There is nothing wrong with that. BUT, it's not advisable to get into a relationship as your focus will change. Eg. due to BGR, her results suffer and she cannot progress on, is that what she wants in life??? I spoke to her about the realistic/ material aspect of a marriage. Does she want to get caught with some guy who cannot bring the bacon home and she must slog hard????? Is that the lifestyle she wants? I also told her it is important not to get physical. Imagine.... teenage pregnancy? What's gg to happen after that? I also warned her about friends on FB. It's just not safe to share those information,etc....

So i think getting someone to talk to her about it helps. Make sure the person is open minded and don't condemn all thinking otherwise they will be very resistant. Share with them the views being guo lai ren and also reassure them. They are old enough to understand. If a guy really likes her, he can wait. Also... there are many fishes in the ocean :wink:


Parents,

How would you react if you discover that your teenage son is in an intense BGR with someone even younger and the girl is not the shy-virtious type?

Fairy
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Re: BGR challenges for parents

Postby carebear » Wed May 18, 2011 7:09 pm

Fairy wrote:Parents,

How would you react if you discover that your teenage son is in an intense BGR with someone even younger and the girl is not the shy-virtious type?



If the girl is less than 16 years old, i would freak out!
I would dig up past reports of people who were charged with having sex with a minor to highlight the precarious situation he is in.
I would show him photos of sexually transmitted diseases and explain how these may affect him for the rest of his life.
Actually even if the girl is older than 16 years old, i would also freak out.

carebear
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Re: BGR challenges for parents

Postby Fairy » Thu May 19, 2011 12:38 am

carebear wrote:
Fairy wrote:Parents,

How would you react if you discover that your teenage son is in an intense BGR with someone even younger and the girl is not the shy-virtious type?



If the girl is less than 16 years old, i would freak out!
I would dig up past reports of people who were charged with having sex with a minor to highlight the precarious situation he is in.
I would show him photos of sexually transmitted diseases and explain how these may affect him for the rest of his life.
Actually even if the girl is older than 16 years old, i would also freak out.

If it is not a sexual relationship yet but looks like may soon be,
would u resort to asking the girl to leave your son?

Fairy
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Re: BGR challenges for parents

Postby carebear » Thu May 19, 2011 7:45 am

Fairy wrote:If it is not a sexual relationship yet but looks like may soon be,
would u resort to asking the girl to leave your son?


First, I would need to talk him out of the relationship, failing which I may try and speak to the gal's parents.
I may also need to seek help from his other guy friends.
That's one thing good about social networks on the internet, at least you would have a feel of who your kid is associating with.

carebear
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Re: BGR challenges for parents

Postby Fairy » Tue May 24, 2011 12:22 pm

carebear wrote:
Fairy wrote:If it is not a sexual relationship yet but looks like may soon be,
would u resort to asking the girl to leave your son?


First, I would need to talk him out of the relationship, failing which I may try and speak to the gal's parents.
I may also need to seek help from his other guy friends.
That's one thing good about social networks on the internet, at least you would have a feel of who your kid is associating with.


carebear,

Do u think speaking to the girl's parents helps? You may turn your son against u instead.
Seeking help from his other guy friends can only work if u know them personally. Also, they tend to emphatise more with their age-group.
Social networks - only when you are connected (ie. in the loop) before something happens.
Appreciate your response. Tks.

Fairy
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Re: BGR challenges for parents

Postby carebear » Tue May 24, 2011 5:24 pm

Fairy wrote:carebear,

Do u think speaking to the girl's parents helps? You may turn your son against u instead.
Seeking help from his other guy friends can only work if u know them personally. Also, they tend to emphatise more with their age-group.
Social networks - only when you are connected (ie. in the loop) before something happens.
Appreciate your response. Tks.


Hi Fairy,
Hope i would never be in such a situation.
Because all the suggestions are theoretical.
I guess education and participation in other things may help to distract him from a one to one relationship.

carebear
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