"Please don't tell Daddy/Mummy...."

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

When your kid confides in you and pleads with you not to tell the other parent of what he/she had done, will you

explain to him/her the need to come clean with the other parent (and risk your kid withholding info from you in the future)
11
48%
give him/her a chance but warned that repeated acts will be reported (and risk your kid withholding info from you in the future)
3
13%
assured the kid that you will not tell, but secretly, you discuss it with your partner (and risk your kid finding out)
4
17%
assured the kid that you will not tell and keep your word (but bear handling of this parenting issue alone)
5
22%
 
Total votes : 23

"Please don't tell Daddy/Mummy...."

Postby jedamum » Wed Dec 10, 2008 1:15 am

how do you handle this without losing the trust of your kid?

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Postby sashimi » Wed Dec 10, 2008 11:24 am

My daughter lagi best. She told me that her grandma (my MIL) told her not to tell ME that she (MIL) gave her biscuits.

(I control my daughter's intake of biscuits - heaty foods tend to make her ill).


Anyway.... in this situation, jedamum, I guess it depends on the "crime".

1) If it IS something wrong she's done, but it has no serious repurcussions, or that telling mommy won't do any good, then I will help the child keep the secret. BUT I will probably punish her myself.

2) If the wrong is serious and mommy needs to know, then I will explain & encourage the child to go admit it to mommy herself, and ask for forgiveness. This almost always has better results than having mommy find out by herself later. (Eg. crimes which can't be hidden).

3) Similarly, but conversely, if the child's "crime" is not serious at all, and so - to REWARD the fact that she admitted it to ME (but didn't want mommy to find out), I tell her that it's ok, mommy won't get angry over such a thing, so WE can let her know. (Then I hurrily sms/call/explain to/etc my wife to beseech her not to make a big fuss of it when the little girl owns up...).

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Postby Luanee » Wed Dec 10, 2008 11:25 am

My answer is none of the above.

Usually I would agree not to tell first. Then later in front of my husband, I would ask my daughter "do u have something to tell dadddy?" Daddy will stare at her and finally she will tell him herself, hee...

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Postby jedamum » Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:17 pm

Sashimi,
I am worried that my boy will end up keeping those serious 'crimes' to himself, so i have to bottle them up until his dad find me behaving weird :? .
At times when I told his dad about it and his dad rephrase it in another way and nicely try to teach him right from wrong (we never punish him if he admits his mistake), my boy figured out that I am the one who told his dad despite him telling me not to :? . He told me he knew cos usually at the end of the same day or the next day, his dad will approach him to discuss that same issue.

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Re: "Please don't tell Daddy/Mummy...."

Postby ChiefKiasu » Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:42 pm

jedamum wrote:how do you handle this without losing the trust of your kid?


If we believe that kids are but mini adults, then the same rules of trust should be applied to them too. Trust is hard to earn, and easy to destroy. If a child wants to confide in us something, we can choose to either refuse to accept to take the information into confidence, ie. tell him/her upfront that we will decide only after we hear the information, or to accept it only if we really mean to keep that info confidential.

The moment we break the trust with our children, it is telling them that it is ok for them to betray the trust of other people. So be very careful when you make promises to children.

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Postby sashimi » Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:44 pm

You have to coordinate the show better with your hubby! :)

Anywya, the simple solution is to encourage your boy to admit it to his dad, in the same way he admitted to you. This ought to work fine so long as your hubby also appreciates his honesty. :)

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Re: "Please don't tell Daddy/Mummy...."

Postby jedamum » Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:01 pm

ChiefKiasu wrote:ie. tell him/her upfront that we will decide only after we hear the information, or to accept it only if we really mean to keep that info confidential.

ChiefKS,
thanks for the tip.

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Postby BlueBells » Wed Dec 10, 2008 4:40 pm

Well, usually after listening to her story, I will discuss the rights and wrongs of her action with her. Then I will encourage her to tell daddy the story, because if daddy finds out later from other parties involved, she will be very sorry. I always tell my kids that if they come clean, it is a confession. If it comes from other people, it is a complaint, and complaints warrant more punishment than confessions. So usually, they come clean. Then we are likely to forgive, but if the case is really bad, she has only one chance - the next time it happens, it's punishment.

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Postby lovejesus_2005 » Thu Apr 09, 2009 10:23 am

so far, my children are too young to take that track....

but the children know that i will share everything with my DH, so there are no secrets....

in fact, the same is for all the caregivers....thank God!

either my MIL/FIL or my mom will give us "feedback" directly in front of the child....e.g.
MIL:"Today your son did this-this, that-that.....(turning to the child)...did you tell mama about what happened just now? " then usually my DS:"Yah, mama, just now I did this-this, that-that" then I will usually ask him "Do I need to punish you?" and he will nod and we will work out a punishment for the "crime".

so far, thank God he's been honest all the time...even though he knows he'll get punished, he still admits his wrong-doings....and if its not too "serious" I'll let him go with a stern warning....but I will always keep DH informed, so he knows how he's son is doing.

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Postby Guest » Thu Apr 09, 2009 1:41 pm

Well...yes I certainly won't tell Daddy!!! NEVER EVER!!!

..............because so far these are all the secret surprises she has for him so why should I let the cat out of the bag and kill her surprise element for Daddy? :wink:
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