Defiant kid/ anger management

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Defiant kid/ anger management

Postby smurf » Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:57 am

I dunno where to post this, so I start a new thread.

My boy who is 6 now has anger management problem I suspect, and he is very emotional.

This scenario happens on daily basis:

Sometimes when I'm busy, maybe doing some writing or making milk, etc. My boy would come to me and ask some questions (very joyously), no anger. When I told him sternly or firmly, 'mama is busy now'. Sometimes I add in, 'can I do it later?. IMMEDIATELY, he changes colour. Change from joy to angry, very angry. Almost furious. And he will REFUSE to talk to me even when I answer his question. If I dun answer him or ignore him, he will NOT let go,he will remember and remember and will later use this to rebuke me later, for whatever reason. 记仇 I would say.

Sometimes i would ask him, 'what's wrong with you?' then he will be angrier.

When I ask him some questions, sometimes he answers them nicely, but sometimes, he shouts. I dunno for what reason, he shouts. After that, he would apologize for his bad manner. he does know that these are bad manner and behavior.
I dunno why he behaves the way he behaves (hooligan behave I called that).

I really dunno what to do. I read up the web, and came across this : oppositional defiant disorder

Do I need to bring him to see a physchiatrist? :?:

smurf
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Re: Defiant kid/ anger management

Postby verykiasu2010 » Thu Feb 10, 2011 6:31 am

smurf wrote:I dunno where to post this, so I start a new thread.

My boy who is 6 now has anger management problem I suspect, and he is very emotional.

This scenario happens on daily basis:

Sometimes when I'm busy, maybe doing some writing or making milk, etc. My boy would come to me and ask some questions (very joyously), no anger. When I told him sternly or firmly, 'mama is busy now'. Sometimes I add in, 'can I do it later?. IMMEDIATELY, he changes colour. Change from joy to angry, very angry. Almost furious. And he will REFUSE to talk to me even when I answer his question. If I dun answer him or ignore him, he will NOT let go,he will remember and remember and will later use this to rebuke me later, for whatever reason. 记仇 I would say.

Sometimes i would ask him, 'what's wrong with you?' then he will be angrier.

When I ask him some questions, sometimes he answers them nicely, but sometimes, he shouts. I dunno for what reason, he shouts. After that, he would apologize for his bad manner. he does know that these are bad manner and behavior.
I dunno why he behaves the way he behaves (hooligan behave I called that).

I really dunno what to do. I read up the web, and came across this : oppositional defiant disorder

Do I need to bring him to see a physchiatrist? :?:


may be he is following your pattern ? as a young boy, he does not differentiate between 'stern' and 'angry'....and thought is the same

just my $000000.1 comment to explore possible root cause. no offence

try answering nicely with a smile and a kiss next time, and see what is the response
verykiasu2010
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Re: Defiant kid/ anger management

Postby jessnom » Thu Feb 10, 2011 7:03 am

smurf wrote:I dunno where to post this, so I start a new thread.

My boy who is 6 now has anger management problem I suspect, and he is very emotional.

This scenario happens on daily basis:

Sometimes when I'm busy, maybe doing some writing or making milk, etc. My boy would come to me and ask some questions (very joyously), no anger. When I told him sternly or firmly, 'mama is busy now'. Sometimes I add in, 'can I do it later?. IMMEDIATELY, he changes colour. Change from joy to angry, very angry. Almost furious. And he will REFUSE to talk to me even when I answer his question. If I dun answer him or ignore him, he will NOT let go,he will remember and remember and will later use this to rebuke me later, for whatever reason. 记仇 I would say.

Sometimes i would ask him, 'what's wrong with you?' then he will be angrier.

When I ask him some questions, sometimes he answers them nicely, but sometimes, he shouts. I dunno for what reason, he shouts. After that, he would apologize for his bad manner. he does know that these are bad manner and behavior.
I dunno why he behaves the way he behaves (hooligan behave I called that).

I really dunno what to do. I read up the web, and came across this : oppositional defiant disorder

Do I need to bring him to see a physchiatrist? :?:


Hi Smurf,

I had some problems with my boy last year as well. It's not exactly like yours, but there are times when he just erupted from a petty issue which escalated.
I think the way to do it is to 'back off' a little. Not necessarily giving in to him but we have to be the "cooler" party. Maybe next time, don't tell him sternly/firmly, but tell him nicely. Or get him involved in whatever you are doing. If it is possible, answer him first before getting on with your stuff.
I know it is very difficult, since mums usually have 1001 things to do at the same time. But we all want to feel important to the people we love most so maybe giving him that little bit of undivided attention will help.

jessnom
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Re: Defiant kid/ anger management

Postby tankee » Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:59 am

verykiasu2010 wrote:may be he is following your pattern ? as a young boy, he does not differentiate between 'stern' and 'angry'....and thought is the same

just my $000000.1 comment to explore possible root cause. no offence

try answering nicely with a smile and a kiss next time, and see what is the response



I agreed with verykiasu2010. the same thought came to mind when i read the post.

And smurf, no offense intended, but personally I do not like "what's wrong with you", I prefer "what's bothering you". :D

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Postby smurf » Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:15 am

My engrish not very solid lah...especially when I'm busy, 'what's wrong with you' just randomly came up. :oops:

I do agreed that sometimes he might be learning what I said to him and that's not very good, but I can't help it. 1001 things to do!!

I have tried to be extremely nice also, but no matter how hard I tried (and it is very tiring), he just need to be nice to 24 hrly. While some other children can do things by themselves, he wants me to be involved in everything he does. And the strange part is, when I said that 'I'm busy at the moment, can you please...', he just blows up. Which is why I thought maybe I should bring him to see a psychiatrist?

Sigh...where is 2ppaamm and chenonceau?? :?:

smurf
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Re: Defiant kid/ anger management

Postby smurf » Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:20 am

jessnom wrote:
Or get him involved in whatever you are doing. If it is possible, answer him first before getting on with your stuff.


Erm, if I answer first question, he will ask another, and another...

He would get angry at very very minor matter. I just dunno why. :?

smurf
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Postby Chenonceau » Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:32 am

smurf wrote:Sigh...where is 2ppaamm and chenonceau?? :?:


I am not sure what to say... Maybe some knowledge of Conservation of Resources Theory may help? My son's teacher (last year) had the whole class eating out of her hand using a derivative technique from Conservation of Resources Theory.

For more details, see here...
http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/04/ ... heory.html

This is not a theory for bringing up kids but I have found it useful to apply to my kids. If you praise a lot a lot a lot... and you are always tender and loving and warm... and understanding and cuddly... then the moment you even look a bit sad or unhappy, your kids will do anything to get back the smiley and nice mom because they want that resource back.

However, if you are mostly moody and down and tired... and you are nice only when your son gets angry, then your son learns that if he wants a nice mommy, he should get angry.

All kids want are a nice mommy. Unfortunately, they want her all the time, and it's tiring. I am very firm about one rule. If they throw tantrums at me, they don't get anything they want. The nice mommy becomes cold and aloof. The rest of the time, I try to be very nice (it isn't that bad lah... not that tiring... I love to cuddle my kids and make them laugh).

On days when I am moody, I ask for alone time. The signals are very clear. I will say that I don't feel well and need to rest, and it's mommy's day off from work (and children count as my work). So shooooo... go away.

The beginning may be difficult if you tend to be a moody person. You need to be very very very warm for a sustained period of time and turn OFF the warmth when he gets angry with you.

And in our house, one thing is very clear... angry outbursts NEVER get you what you want. And I do mean NEVER even if you're the mother-in-law. It's an important lesson for kids to learn because they'll get into trouble as adults if they think angry outbursts are acceptable behavior.

Chenonceau
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Postby smurf » Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:16 am

Hi Chenonceau,

So glad that u responded! (and thanks to the rest for responding too!)

I think you are right! I tend to be moody most of the time. I just dunno why, I can't warm up, at one point, I really hate babies. When I see babies, I clumped up, even more so when I hear their cries. Irritating is the word I use. And I even said that in front of ds. Very bad, I know, but I can't help it.

I will take notice of what u said and will try very very hard to warm up!

:thankyou:

smurf
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Postby Chenonceau » Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:18 am

smurf wrote:Hi Chenonceau,

So glad that u responded! (and thanks to the rest for responding too!)

I think you are right! I tend to be moody most of the time. I just dunno why, I can't warm up, at one point, I really hate babies. When I see babies, I clumped up, even more so when I hear their cries. Irritating is the word I use. And I even said that in front of ds. Very bad, I know, but I can't help it.

I will take notice of what u said and will try very very hard to warm up!

:thankyou:


Whoa! Heh! :dowan: :oops:

Remember to be moody when he gets angry. Then he might stop getting angry.

Chenonceau
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Postby smurf » Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:29 am

Must see if I can be warm first! :pray:

Actually come to think of it, it's very easy for me to be moody, even when he is angry. :oops:

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