I ask myself why do I want to push so hard?

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

I ask myself why do I want to push so hard?

Postby mistychances » Sat Apr 16, 2011 5:23 pm

Many times, I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle. I always ask myself what is the use of putting in all my effort in helping my son to acceed to his best capability yet, he himself does not put in any effort.

I'm not a mother who ask him to study study study and leave no time to play. I'll let him have nap when home from school. Then he'll complete his homework. He'll get a half hour break and do about 1 hour of revision. We go out for dinner almost every day and by the time we finish, it's about 9pm. Then sometimes, I'll get to revise a little more. On weekends, he'll get to play his PSP and he gets to enjoy his soccer training.

I have talked to him many times about what I'm doing why I"m doing and what is his responsibility. He seems to be sensible but yet, it seems like study is not his priority. He simply have no heart for it and that explains why it is so difficult for him to absorb. He is an intelligent boy and I just think that it is such a waste if he does not perform to the best of his capabilty.

I have read many motivational books and I have tried many methods on him. From carrot to cane - it seems like nothing works.

Sorry, I just need to vent out my frustrations and my disappoinment.

mistychances
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Re: I ask myself why do I want to push so hard?

Postby Champion » Sat Apr 16, 2011 5:43 pm

mistychances wrote:Many times, I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle. I always ask myself what is the use of putting in all my effort in helping my son to acceed to his best capability yet, he himself does not put in any effort.

I'm not a mother who ask him to study study study and leave no time to play. I'll let him have nap when home from school. Then he'll complete his homework. He'll get a half hour break and do about 1 hour of revision. We go out for dinner almost every day and by the time we finish, it's about 9pm. Then sometimes, I'll get to revise a little more. On weekends, he'll get to play his PSP and he gets to enjoy his soccer training.

I have talked to him many times about what I'm doing why I"m doing and what is his responsibility. He seems to be sensible but yet, it seems like study is not his priority. He simply have no heart for it and that explains why it is so difficult for him to absorb. He is an intelligent boy and I just think that it is such a waste if he does not perform to the best of his capabilty.

I have read many motivational books and I have tried many methods on him. From carrot to cane - it seems like nothing works.

Sorry, I just need to vent out my frustrations and my disappoinment.


Dear mistychance,
I understand how you feel and know what you are going thru....I believe at one time or another, many parents will feel heartache especially coming to the academic aspect.

Don't be discouraged - you are not fighting a losing battle; you still have time to catch with him. Your boy in Primary level? Is he doing very bad academically or just that he has not met the necessary expectations?

Kids being kids - they will not understand how we parents feel or act towards certain aspects of life esp the academic scope. Maybe, you would like to speak with him one-to-one and ask about his thoughts and aspirations? Especially boys - maybe they have some thinkings but no where to share with anyone?

Sorry, if I am being too "long-winded" :oops:...I am also a mother with 3 kids - P3, K2 and a 1.5 years old toddler so I just want to encourage and cheer you on! :celebrate:

Champion
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Postby mistychances » Sat Apr 16, 2011 5:56 pm

thank you champion ;) my son#1 is in P5.

I've already talked to him many times. Now, I'm giving up. His SA1 is coming and I really do not intend to do anything with him anymore.

I mean, it is his choice. I tell myself that no matter how much I do, as long as he does not want it, there is nothing else I can do.

Last year, he was above average for Eng, Math. For chinese, average. For Science, I was so upset with him during revision, I decided to let him be, that is stopped revision for Science and true enough he did way below par although pass.

I was hoping that he'll learn his lesson from his Sc paper last year. That in order to do well, you need to put in effort. But it seems like it does not help at all.

I know he wants to do well. But he does not want to put in effort. And I know kids being kids, they need a little nudge here and there. But frankly
I'm not a saint and I strongly believe that if you don't help yourself, no one can help you.

Just hope that for this SA1, he'll be lucky enough to scrape thru.

mistychances
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Postby tisha » Sat Apr 16, 2011 7:06 pm

mistychances wrote:thank you champion ;) my son#1 is in P5.

I've already talked to him many times. Now, I'm giving up. His SA1 is coming and I really do not intend to do anything with him anymore.

I mean, it is his choice. I tell myself that no matter how much I do, as long as he does not want it, there is nothing else I can do.

Last year, he was above average for Eng, Math. For chinese, average. For Science, I was so upset with him during revision, I decided to let him be, that is stopped revision for Science and true enough he did way below par although pass.

I was hoping that he'll learn his lesson from his Sc paper last year. That in order to do well, you need to put in effort. But it seems like it does not help at all.

I know he wants to do well. But he does not want to put in effort. And I know kids being kids, they need a little nudge here and there. But frankly
I'm not a saint and I strongly believe that if you don't help yourself, no one can help you.

Just hope that for this SA1, he'll be lucky enough to scrape thru.


mistychances,
All I can say is, I completely empathise with you.
You might find some tips here which could help you move on...
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum ... hp?t=20569

tisha
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Re: I ask myself why do I want to push so hard?

Postby BeContented » Sat Apr 16, 2011 9:55 pm

Hi Mistychances,
I thought hard on whether should I response....cos think what I'm gonna say may get me BASHED by the parents here :wink:

I have a P5 son too....similarly, I think he is intelligent but JUST NOT hardworking ENOUGH. I too feel that it will be a waste if he does not stretch himself and perform his best. Whenever I lecture him, he listens, does not retort and will for the next 30mins 'try to study'....

While I do feel disappointed at times, I'm not too hard on myself cos' I believe I have already done what I can. (actually can try harder, but I quite the happy-go-lucky type, so think good enough liao) Spoke to son many times on having to take responsibility for his own future. I can sit with him, teach him etc etc.......if he does not have the right attitude, nobody can help him, there is only so much I can do, the rest is up to him. When he fares poorly, yes I will be disappointed, that's about all. The real pain will be HIS....regret, cannot go to school of choice, his life ahead etc, there is no one to blame but himself. Think he should get it, but as you said, kids are kids....so I'll just have to continue to remind him.
I always tell him too....if exams fail, who will be the one crying? Not me...yes, I'm sad....but who is the one more affected - HIM. This he knows

Being intelligent can have its cons....complacent....so I always try to remind him that intelligence will not get one far if there is no effort put in. Instead someone not as intelligent will catch up & overtake with due diligence while you stay put. Again, hard to absorb such nag/lectures, but you can't force all these down the kid.....he has to feel some pain and learn the hard way if need be. But of course, as parents we all hope our children fly high and do not suffer/regret....but realistically, few are so blessed. In addition, we parents tend to pin high expectation on them and stress up everyone :wink:

My consolation right now is .... he is a good boy (and I think yours is too) ...... and I'm pretty proud of him. Even if he does not score that well (tho I hope he will, BADLY enough such that you find me loitering in KSP), as long as he's still doing fine, dun fail lah :pray:, I'll want him to be happy and grow up to be a fine young man.....no need scholar.

I just hope I won't regret for not pushing so hard :lol:
Dun be so hard on yourself. If you think you have tried your best too, have to let nature takes its course.
Last edited by BeContented on Sat Apr 16, 2011 10:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Postby teh_oh » Sat Apr 16, 2011 10:47 pm

Hi Mistychances,
In times like this, I tell myself that however well my child is going to do for his future, his paycheck goes to his wife and not me. Cheer up and try motivating him again. I would suggest cutting down on dinner outings. My child usually gets distracted when being informed of dinner outings for the day and he will give me sub-standard work that day.

teh_oh
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Postby kaka » Sat Apr 16, 2011 11:17 pm

Its really tiring to push anyone, be it when you are a manager in an organisation or a parent at home.

Its about balance. Like a guitar, if the string is pull too tight, it may break, too loose, it will not sound good. Where is the balance? Its depending on situation and kid personality.

kaka
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Postby foreverj » Sat Apr 16, 2011 11:29 pm

teh_oh wrote:Hi Mistychances,
In times like this, I tell myself that however well my child is going to do for his future, his paycheck goes to his wife and not me. Cheer up and try motivating him again. I would suggest cutting down on dinner outings. My child usually gets distracted when being informed of dinner outings for the day and he will give me sub-standard work that day.


agreed, on the cutting down of dinner outings. actually its probably healthier and cheaper to eat at home, not to mention settling the child down earlier for revision of work.

i think its inevitable that parents feel they need to sit their children down for the occasional prep talk. even at five, i've already started telling my dd that intelligence without hard work will achieve nothing. n i wil use real-life examples to reinforce this to her, as and when the opportunity arises.

foreverj
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Re: I ask myself why do I want to push so hard?

Postby tamarind » Sun Apr 17, 2011 11:35 am

mistychances wrote:Many times, I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle. I always ask myself what is the use of putting in all my effort in helping my son to acceed to his best capability yet, he himself does not put in any effort.

I'm not a mother who ask him to study study study and leave no time to play. I'll let him have nap when home from school. Then he'll complete his homework. He'll get a half hour break and do about 1 hour of revision. We go out for dinner almost every day and by the time we finish, it's about 9pm. Then sometimes, I'll get to revise a little more. On weekends, he'll get to play his PSP and he gets to enjoy his soccer training.

I have talked to him many times about what I'm doing why I"m doing and what is his responsibility. He seems to be sensible but yet, it seems like study is not his priority. He simply have no heart for it and that explains why it is so difficult for him to absorb. He is an intelligent boy and I just think that it is such a waste if he does not perform to the best of his capabilty.

I have read many motivational books and I have tried many methods on him. From carrot to cane - it seems like nothing works.

Sorry, I just need to vent out my frustrations and my disappoinment.



My boy is also not motivated to get high marks. The way I cope is by telling myself that my boy is an individual. I do not have to be fully responsible for his entire life. He has to be fully responsible for how he turns out in the future. If he does not do well enough to get into the top secondary schools, top universities, etc, it is not my fault. I have already tried my best.

In the future, if he tells me, he cannot afford to buy that car or buy that house, then I will just tell him "Who ask you not to study hard when you are young ?"

What I aim to do now, is to make sure that he fully enjoys the learning process. Whether he gets perfect scores or not, that is entirely up to him.

tamarind
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Postby mistychances » Sun Apr 17, 2011 4:50 pm

teh_oh wrote: I would suggest cutting down on dinner outings..


you are right. sometimes i too feel that the dinner outings are too distracting. However, that is the only time that we can bond as a family together with dh (when he comes back from work). I've tried having dinner at home but i don't get to chit chat with dh coz have to clear up and stuff.

So the dinner outing is a way for me to breathe ;)

mistychances
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