Tips on PSLE kid who wants to follow bestfriend

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Tips on PSLE kid who wants to follow bestfriend

Postby westmom » Mon Mar 02, 2009 1:04 pm

I hope there are other parents out there who have this similar experience to share with me. My daughter is in a girls school and taking PSLE this year. She has told me that she will choose a secondary school that her best friend chooses. Her best friend is now at a different primary school as hers but I think it is possible that both of their PSLE results will not be too far off. They do not meet often though but somehow my daughter misses her. My daughter is not very matured in her thinking yet so I do not think any rationale that there are many other important factors to consider when "choosing school" will work as she is very determined to join her best friend. Assuming that the school that the best friend chooses is not in my daughter's best interest, can anyone share strategy and tips to convince her? Maybe I can do some "brainwashing" that will slowly help her to see things in perspective.... I have not "objected" yet but I think she is very serious about it!

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Postby Guest » Thu Mar 05, 2009 11:26 am

I have been thinking for a few days....this is a symptom of something, the best friend may not be the issue. You may want to check further what is the motivating factor to be in the same school? Is she having social issues?

I imagine myself in your shoes, my strategy would be to foster an even closer relationship with my child, the reason also being she is stepping into her teens. If she is lacking in confidence to make new friends in the secondary school, you have to address it now. The issue is not to stop her from choosing the same school, the issue is to understand what is causing her to think this way. Once you get that sorted out, it will be easier for you to convince her to choose a school according to what fits her and if her best friend happens to choose the same, it would be a bonus.
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Postby westmom » Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:23 pm

Thanks for your reply! Actually my daughter is "socially happy" in her current school. She has 2 close schoolmates and they will visit each other home to "play" during school holidays. But she told me that in her "heart", this other girl is still her best friend and she wants to be "together" with her in secondary school. So she wants to go to the same school she chooses! I can forsee "a war" between mother and daughter during year end if she still insist on this and if it happens that the school she chooses is not in her best interest. She probably will not "forgive" me if I do not let her have her way...One way I can think of now is to get her current tutors that she likes and respect to convince her too...cannot think of other "methods"....I am careful not to voice any "objections" everytime she brings up this subject now. I just say .."let's see, let's see lor "...

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Postby Guest » Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:59 pm

I agree with you that firstly don't start in a negative way. Help me understand your motivating factor is only to ensure your dd has independent thinking not because you think she should slowly drift apart from her best friend right?

Use the time now to selection time to prompt her to think why she needs to be in the same school.

I may show her examples casually of twins not being in the same school and there is a benefit to that because they get to know more about other schools and would have many more things to share.

Btw, you may also be worrying too early? Perhaps the school that the best friend chooses is one that suits your child as well? Also, introduce more schools to your child so that she can go and influence her best friend to follow her instead? Then that solves your problem and hers. :wink:
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Postby westmom » Fri Mar 06, 2009 12:14 pm

Oh yes...i have done that...mention to her about the "strength" of possible schools she should target for...but at the end of the conversation, she will say "I am not going to change my mind, I will go where this girl goes"...I try to hide my exasperation that choosing a secondary school is not about "following best friend" because there are so many other factors to consider. Rather than telling her she is not thinking maturedly, I let the matter rest and just hope that by the end of the year, she will somehow "grow up" a bit ! At this age, she dislikes "boys" and I feel (and her teachers/tutors too) that a girls school will suit her character and temperament better. But she tells me if her best friend wants to go to a co-ed school, she will go there too because she believes the best friend will be able to protect her from boys! See how determine she is! Best friend likes co-ed school while my daughter is currently in a girls school!

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Postby Guest » Fri Mar 06, 2009 3:33 pm

insider wrote:Choices…can be given to children…but must be within boundary…
...


I agree this is the final strategy to apply if you must. At the end of the day, if her best friend knows more than the parents, then the best friend can "mother" her from then onwards...

She needs to draw the line between listening to parents' rationale versus blindly following best friend's choice or advice. Going to the same school does not mean going to the same class... What protection will she get?

Just to share what bad influence sometimes friends comments have on kids. My child came back yesterday sharing this comment that her friends made about her lunchbox: " Can you ask your MAID to make lesser food next time for your lunchbox?" That was because she had to eat and no time to play with them so that was a piece of "advice" from them.

I replied her, "Is this not a sad statement?" They only have maids to make lunchboxes for them but yours is made by your mommy daily! That put a big smile back on her face as she was not focusing on the right things.
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Postby westmom » Sat Mar 07, 2009 5:05 pm

Thank you both for sharing your thoughts. Yes, after her PSLE, I will make my "move" to try to rationalise with her. One of them will be laying down the "criterias" as you have suggested. No point talking about it now since she is so adamant about it - better focus our energy in working towards PSLE. Hopefully by that time, some wise friends will give her some insight into the other important factors to consider when choosing a secondary school! She is now at the stage of putting greater value in other people opinion more than her own parents because i guess she thinks "parents" want to show "control". I was told that teenage stage is very much worse than her current tween stage...what a challenge it is going to be!

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Re: Tips on PSLE kid who wants to follow bestfriend

Postby jedamum » Sat Mar 07, 2009 8:07 pm

hi westmom,
do you know the best friend's mum? if you feel that they are likely to be on par in their performance and that the mum is approachable, perhaps you may want to find out what are their choices...eg 230-240: Sch A; 240-250: Sch B etc that is assuming that the girls don't live too far apart. Then thereafter analyse them with your daughter.

peer support is pretty important during sec schooling years... although many atimes best friends take on other best friends along the way.

my parents chose a neighbourhood sec school 10min walk away from our house to my/their 'best' interest (more sleep for me, no need purchase extra books-elder siblings already schooling there-, no need take bus, savings on bus allowance). my teacher and friends coaxed me into changing it to a girls school that is 45min away. i got a major scolding, but they came to accept it eventually. :wink: my best friend became best friends with other girls; i became left out; but which is worse? facing the 'i told you so' from my parents or to bite my teeth and do my best/make do with whatever i have (ie act blur/bite my tongue whenever i get nagged at choosing a school that has so many fundraising projects :roll:)?

jmho.

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Postby usaik » Sat Mar 07, 2009 11:18 pm

Hi Westmom,

I had attended a talk by a counsellor recently on character building. He shared on how he "engineered" his son choices - (His son was choosing polytechnic over JC due largely by influence of one of his friend). This counsellor planned and gotten help via a trusted tutor to talk to his son. He also carefully gotten his son to spend more time with a specific "role model" friend. In the end, his son made the decision himself to take up the JC option.

From now until year-end, perhaps you might like to "engineer" some positive influence.

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Postby westmom » Sun Mar 08, 2009 12:02 am

Hi Jedamum - I am not close with the "best friend" mum though I have spoken to her before. From what I gather thro' my daughter, they prefer co-ed school. The strange thing is my daughter dislikes boys and yet she said she will follow her best friend even to a co-ed school (which I feel she is not suited for). Daughter is now in a girls primary school that is affiliated to the secondary school so there is really not an issue in getting "familiar" support from friends if she goes to the same secondary school. Basically, it boils down to her level of "thinking maturity" or perhaps she and the best friend made a pact to go to the same sec school !

Hi Usaik- thanks for the "engineering" advice. Yes - it is in one of my "strategies"..though not through counsellor but tutors she respects. I shared my "concern" with one of them so far - she also didnt think that following best fren to a co-ed sch is a "good" idea and said she will help to "brainwash" her! Btw, i am a full time working mom so need to rely on tutors for academic support...

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