help my child is being....defiant

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

help my child is being....defiant

Postby bratzmama » Thu Mar 05, 2009 9:32 pm

my children has everythig a child dream of havin a psp each n a ds 4 the small one. i hav 3 childrn age 4,5 n 7. my eldest seem 2 b so rebellious tat somtimes i break dwn n cry in front of her. keep tellin her tat jus wan her 2 behave n take care of the little ones n do her own work independently. but she ignore n i usually have 2 scream at her bfore she will do wat was asked of her. is this normal 4 a 7 yr old cos the younger ones is following in her footsteps by being rude n rebellious. i m heartbrken. :cry:

bratzmama
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Re: help my child is being....defiant

Postby jedamum » Fri Mar 06, 2009 12:16 am

bratzmama,
has her 'rebelliousness' started recently or she has been like that all along?
what form of rebelliousness are you talking about?
my nice ds1 (K2 then) went through a stage of rebelliousness late last year. I found myself screaming at him to just go take a shower, do his work or go to bed. I found him very rude. I was appalled as to how come a nice boy turn out to be like that. I was frustrated. It doesn't help that after every of our fights, the boy's grandparents rallied around him and in doing so, the boy undermined my authority at home and hence his boldness grew.
So first, I reduced his reliance on the grandparents. It doesn't help that we stay under one roof. It was difficult.
Then I roped in my husband to help (the grandparents dare not step on my guy's tail :wink:). That also gives me a breather from facing my boy every second of the day (it was the Nov/Dec holidays) and him from facing me. The dad took every opportunity to tell the boy on what the mum had done for him.
Then I also did some observing/thinking and found out that my boy is 'learning' from my behaviour. The things that i said to him through my frustrations...he will say them back to me.
And also, he is at a stage when he value some form of independence. The usual nagging and constant reminding doesn't work anymore. So I just took a step back, lower my expectations and ask myself, if he wanna sleep a bit late or if he doesn't wanna shower early, it's not going to do any harm. if he doesn't wanna do his work, so long he doesn't fail, so be it. My primary focus now is on tackling his rude behaviour and challenging of authority.

I'm glad it works out fine now. Now he makes breakfast me for me every weekend :love: .

To behave, to take care of siblings, to do her own work... at this point, tackle one thing at a time. Get the dad to go on a date with the girl. Go on a date with the girl yourself. Good thing is that she is only 7 yo. you still have time to 'correct' the undesirable behaviour.

jedamum
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Postby pinky » Fri Mar 06, 2009 6:56 am

To bratzmama,
Your daughter is in P1 this year right? Is she adjusting well to school life?
It could be the stress and frustration of adapting to a new environment/
the school work/her classmates and perhaps the inability to bring up to you.
There must be some factors that trigger such a behaviour. In
addition, the 2 younger siblings are also at the age whern squabbling are
pretty common so that may add on to her frustration.
Do be patient, have some quiet moments with her alone and lend a
helping ear to her. Let her know that you care and support her. Show
your concern and have casual chats with her. These measures will help
to lessen the conflicts and confrontations. Do give them a try. :pray:

pinky
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Re: help my child is being....defiant

Postby sashimi » Fri Mar 06, 2009 11:34 am

bratzmama wrote:my children has everythig a child dream of havin a psp each n a ds 4 the small one. i hav 3 childrn age 4,5 n 7. my eldest seem 2 b so rebellious tat somtimes i break dwn n cry in front of her. keep tellin her tat jus wan her 2 behave n take care of the little ones n do her own work independently. but she ignore n i usually have 2 scream at her bfore she will do wat was asked of her. is this normal 4 a 7 yr old cos the younger ones is following in her footsteps by being rude n rebellious. i m heartbrken. :cry:


Please don't take this the wrong way, bratzmama, but I'm concerned about your very first sentence. What I'd like to say in response is that a child's "dreams" (wants) are 30% Real Needs + 40% Don't Need + 30% Should Not Have.

A child should not control what you give him; it's the other way around, you should control what he has. I grant that it's not easy refusing some things, but it can be done, and children are in fact more adaptable to accepting "No" than most adults.

I bring this up because if you give your child everything he wants, at some point, he will demand more than you can give - and that's not just in terms of physical things but emotional, social demands such as the power to misbehave.

If your family has been "spoiling" your children, it's time to rein back before it gets worse. Sorry again, please don't take this the wrong way. I know "spoil" is a sensitive word and very subjective, and also sometimes difficult to prove "wrong". Some spoiling is ok, but not to the point that you should be openly declaring "my children have everything a child dream of having a PSP each...." - IMHO this is too much, and you could be paying the price. I personally would never allow my child something like a PSP until she's at least past age 12.

Here are my suggests on what you could do:
1) Don't lose your temper. Be firm. Enforce discipline without resorting to screaming. This is not easy, I know, but try. Your husband should help.
- Remember: anger only breeds more anger, in both parent and child. It also breeds defiance, to the point that the child is so used to your being angry, she will not consider it as unusual. And your younger ones will see and follow.
2) Engage your elder one in the work you need to do, like helping with the younger ones. She should be old enough and smart enough at age 7.
3) Do not expect an overnight change. Work on it day-by-day, incident-by-incident. Children change faster than adults - give it 2 weeks.
4) Remember: your child is not really trying to make you angry; she doesn't really understand why - she has been mentally and socially trained to defy you. You can change this. Think of this as helping her, not restricting her. Imagine her as someone who needs your pity and help to change; not someone who is trying to fight you.
5) Last but not least: YOU must also behave. To change requires cooperation from all parties, and parents often fail to realize it is their own behaviour the children are copying. You may need to examine yourself, and learn to understand your part in this situation.

Take care, keep us updated!

sashimi
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Postby winth » Fri Mar 06, 2009 10:11 pm

Hi bratzmama,

bratzmama wrote:keep tellin her tat jus wan her 2 behave n take care of the little ones n do her own work independently.


Has it been a routine for DH1 to:
1) behave?
2) take care of the little ones?
3) do her own work independently?

Has she been taught/trained by yourself or daddy or even the grandparents to do the above?

She might need to be 'trained' or specifically told what to do in this instance of acceptable behaviour, ability to take care of siblings, and what it meant when she needs to do her work independently.

Let me share with you something that happened to my BIL:
He was Pri 3, but he has not been taught how to brush his teeth or clean his face properly. I'm serious. He is 'somehow' expected to have his teeth brushed and face washed before breakfast and bedtime. His mum would not allow him to touch the thermo flask and would just make the milo for him and that's his breakfast. He is not taught table manners and has never been corrected when he misbehaves at the table (well, I was there to witness). He would ask his mum to bring him out because he's bored at home, but always kanna rejected. Even if go out, it's a dressing down session of mother to son. Don't think of him as a child who doesn't own anything, in fact, he owns 5 bicycles, 1 personal computer complete with scanner and color printer, wardrobe full of clothes (considered branded by secondary school standard), many many shoes and bags.

Many years down the road, he still doesn't know how to make milo. I'm not joking. His mother would complain to us that his breath stinks and his face is clearly not properly washed and cleaned up. My DH has once asked if the mother even taught him to wash and told him when to brush teeth, she kept quiet, and only mumbled, 'He should know.' He eats no breakfast until it is served by mum on the table. Worse now that he is a teenager, he chooses to sleep and wake up for lunch. Of course, mother would complain about him being so lazy and not even taking initiative to make a glass of milo for himself. He should know (how to make milo) mar, she says. His mother complains about his behaviour at the table, saying that he should behave this and that, should not do this and that... list goes on. Now his mum wants to bring him out, he would reject immediately. And instead, he hangs out with his friends and not return home for days. Oh, what happened to his bikes, all are sold to garang gunis (bec after few months, he would say actually he didn't really like the color/pattern/bike dun have this function), he would request new shoes or bags to be worn on certain 'functions'.

So, here we go: Who's fault is it that my BIL doesn't know this/ didn't behave correctly?

You can say that this little boy should show initiative in learning, should look and see how the adults behave at the table. Or maybe, school should have taught them how to brush teeth mar...

I'm not doing any finger-pointing here definitely, but bec we are all parents who want the best for our children. But sometimes, we forgot that deprivation (of material things) is actually helping a child to learn to cherish; children actually mimick our every single action/gesture/word/vocabulory and that will become their character.

winth
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Postby smurf » Fri Mar 06, 2009 10:44 pm

Hi winth,

I so agreed with you. Parenting ain't easy ha. :P

smurf
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Postby winth » Fri Mar 06, 2009 11:01 pm

smurf wrote:Parenting ain't easy ha.


It sure isn't easy. Sometimes, I :stupid: also with my boys.

winth
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Re: help my child is being....defiant

Postby tamarind » Sat Mar 07, 2009 8:24 am

bratzmama wrote:my children has everythig a child dream of havin a psp each n a ds 4 the small one. i hav 3 childrn age 4,5 n 7. my eldest seem 2 b so rebellious tat somtimes i break dwn n cry in front of her. keep tellin her tat jus wan her 2 behave n take care of the little ones n do her own work independently. but she ignore n i usually have 2 scream at her bfore she will do wat was asked of her. is this normal 4 a 7 yr old cos the younger ones is following in her footsteps by being rude n rebellious. i m heartbrken. :cry:


I agree with all the other comments above.

A child will not behave just because you give her whatever she wants. In fact, giving her whatever she wants, is very bad for her. It makes her believe that things can come so easily, and she does not have to do anything to get it.

I always believe that kids, even very young kids, must work hard in order to get what they want. I don't mean making them do housework. My girl has to finish reading the whole book of Charlie and the Chocolate factory (160 pages), before she gets her favourite stickers. My boy has to finish reading a complete level of the Ladybird key word reading scheme, before he gets to eat ice cream. Everyday they have to finish doing their homework (both given by the school and by mommy) before they can watch their favourite DVDs. They know very well that if they don't study, they don't get anything. It has become a routine, and my kids will even remind me if I forget to ask them to study.

My suggestion to you, is very easy. Just stop buying anything for your kids. Tell them that they don't get anything unless they work hard and behave. It is actually all up to you, the mommy, to stay firm.

tamarind
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many thanx

Postby bratzmama » Sat Mar 21, 2009 7:17 pm

to all kiasu parents ,
thank u and than u again i m really overwhelm with all the suggestions will try very hard to cntrol my anger. i knw at times i ve over dne it with all the gifts but nw i ve already confiscated it. I tout b4 if i give them anythig they want they wil listen to me. Guess i did it the wrong way then. Glad to have u all to support me emotionally. Cos i m quite alone withot the support frm my parents n My DH side. Try to do it n change my disciplining behavior. But its great 2 No tat mos children is naughty in the process of growing up. :idea:

bratzmama
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Activity Intervention

Postby buds » Mon Mar 30, 2009 10:43 am

bratzmama wrote:to all kiasu parents ,
thank u and than u again i m really overwhelm with all the suggestions will try very hard to cntrol my anger. i knw at times i ve over dne it with all the gifts but nw i ve already confiscated it. I tout b4 if i give them anythig they want they wil listen to me. Guess i did it the wrong way then. Glad to have u all to support me emotionally. Cos i m quite alone withot the support frm my parents n My DH side. Try to do it n change my disciplining behavior. But its great 2 No tat mos children is naughty in the process of growing up. :idea:


Yes, bratzmama.. all children will have their form of mischief up their
sleeves - in their own way. Yes, it is the process of growing up. But
you my dear have three all at once to deal with and i understand that
in its own will not be easy and the occasions that you feel like flaring
up will be many especially when you are really down and out tired...

I looked up some references to try to hook you up to some form of
activity intervention. ie. stuff that can be done to improve household
stress with children the non-punitive way. I thought this was quite
interesting. Do share what you think?



Image



DEALING WITH MOODS

Children have frequent mood swings. It's not surprising when you
think of all the new experiences and the constant physical changes
they are coping with. And moods have a major effect on learning..
It is difficult to learn for example, if you are angry or bored. Being
relaxed but alert is best for learning..

Try to help deal with anger and calm down by distracting the angry
person. If its a little girl, you may distract by saying like, "Hey, let's
go outside and see what daddy is doing..." or if a child is bored,
"Let's listen to the tape and learn the songs, then you will be able
to join in the class when you go to school tomorrow..." etc.. etc...
The idea is distraction.

Heck, the arrow pointer thingy is even good for adults too! Kekekeh..
When daddy frustrated with momma's endless nagging and refuse to
get into an argument, he'll show momma the arrow to hmmmm let's
see... Angry? Over-excited? Interested mebbe... or erm.. impatient?
In any ways, this may be another method of communication during
the midst of anger and frustration and followed by giving each party
time out, talk again when things are better... kiss, hug and make up.

Taken from a great book by Bill Lucas & Alistair Smith.
The essential guide to family learning. A great read for
me currently and still at it. :romance:

buds
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