New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby EASON MAGPIES » Mon Jul 25, 2011 11:15 pm

Hi to all

I joined this forum a few weeks after my daughter was born ! I joined only because of my daughter.

My 1st and only daughter was born on 1.1 2010 so now its more than 18 months old. I am having new daddy blues now !! Guess its kinda of late BLUES since she already been in my life for 18 months but now I am really FEELING VERY helpless and SAD !!

Basically 2 major issues is really bothering me.

1) Her relationship and bonding with me

2) Her inability to walk and talk until now.

When my girl was first born, she had jaundice. I was the one who visited her every day and also feed her when she was in the hospital as her mum was still recovering after giving birth.

I took 3 weeks off for her birth so I bath, feed and put her to sleep almost every day. I was up at night to attend to her too since I did not have to work during the 3 weeks and also to let my wife rest.

However because of raising a child together for the 1st time in such close proximity, me and my wife got into lots of argument over many "baby issues" and after 3 weeks I had to get back to work so I finally decided to "let go".

My wife is a stay at home mum so sooner or later I would have to let her decide on most things since I wont be home anyway.

So after 3 weeks I am back to work and from then on my wife feed, bath and put her to sleep every day. On weekends at times I do play and bath her. Of course I also change the diapers and feed her milk once a while.

So things goes smoothly in a sense. She grew up, learn how to crawl and smile at me and I was enjoying fatherhood !!

Things started to change this 2 months, she is now becoming very sticky to my wife. When she used to smile at me when I am home after a hard days work, now she have no response at all. When I want to carry her during weekends, she usually resist. So my wife suggested I spend more time with her.

So following her advice every day upon coming home after work, before I bath or have my dinner or do anything else, I would bring her for a walk downstairs, usually about 30 minutes. During this time she spend with me, she was quite happy.

Then recent days she started resisting going down TOO. Most days my wife have to bring her to the lift and I would take over. She would sometimes even cry until we reach the 1st floor. If her mum is around, she would refuse to respond to me at all.

I also tried reading her story book every night but very often she snatch the book for herself to play with it after a few pages and I could not read it anymore. Either that or she would crawl away. Reading to her becomes such a challenge every night before bed I am thinking of giving up totally.

Weekends I often bring her to the playground without her mum. Again she was very happy to play at the playground but again not much respond to me personally when we walk there or when we are going back.

This is getting so discouraging !! I wander if ever things will get any better. I also worry now about discipline her if the needs arise as she already do not "like" me. If I do one day have to punish her, I don't know what kind of respond I would get.

Now my wife is the only one who beat her once in a while.

Some of my friends suggest I take care of her daily needs more so weekends I do bath her and try to put her to sleep. With some difficulty, bathing is still possible for now but its impossible to put her to sleep as she would cry until my wife comes.

As it is I work 5 days work only and yet finds it a challenge to spend quality time with her and even as I sacrifice personal time to be with her on the weekends, it seems not much help.

Last weekend I brought her swimming without her mum. Its was her 2nd time. 1st time was with her mum. I managed to get her out of the house and travel with her to the swimming pool. Once we are in the pool, she keeps crying and after I brought her up, pacify her, she refuse to go in again. I gave up after a few tries, change her and then went to meet up with my wife for dinner.

My wife keep saying things will get better but I cannot help but wonder. For various reasons, this would probably be my only child and I was hoping to be a dad with a good relationship with my child.

Has any daddy or mummy ever goes through this? Anyone got any suggestions for me ? How to bond with your daughter if you have to work even longer hours than me.

The 2nd issue I have did some research on the internet and also consult some doctors. Most people tell me not to worry as she probably a bit slower than other child but still quite normal.

She now walks only when we hold her hand and after a distance, she would refuse to walk and only want us to carry her.

She could now make some noises but still cannot say a single word.

Any suggestion on the 2nd issue most welcome too.

Thank you to all for reading such a long story.

Desperate 1st time daddy !!

EASON MAGPIES
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Re: New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby MadScientist » Mon Jul 25, 2011 11:47 pm

Bro,

First thing I can tell is that you are a good father... one that is willing to make changes for your daughter.

However, remember a couple of things...
Your daughter is an individual... she will grow up to have her own mind, her own preferences, her own set of values...
although most of it would be a reflection of her parents.

Very young kids will have phases of being sticky to either parent... do not fret about it. For this, IMHO, you worry too much.
You being around, listening, guiding, disciplining, playing, etc. with your daughter will add up...

Be patient with your daughter... she will in time to come learn to walk, talk, etc.
IF you are worried, there are certain guidlines as to when they should be talking and walking, etc. which are conveniently in the kids' health book that comes back with them after birth in the hospital.
I can understand that you may be anxious... for eg. reading a book... you want to read, but she is not ready just yet. She may not have an idea what a book is. Hint: You read to her... with lots of expression and actions to make it very kiddy interesting. That's a good start to experience books... rather than sit on your lap and listen to you read (which may be a stage later when she grwos up).

Do you speak to your daughter as if she understands and as if she is an adult? I tend to do that... I do not use baby language as I believe that they do understand.

Also, at times, just by sitting next to your daughter watching TV together, or lying down on the bed next to her looking at the ceiling (fan) are very bonding things to do. IMHO, treating kids like adults and lowering ourselves to their level (brings out the little kids in us!) are good connecting habits.
Scientific evidence has shown that children would always need their fathers... and daughters close to their fathers have better and more stable relationships in their own lives.
So, take it in stride, adjust and find the things that your daughter likes... connect with her, even if it means sitting next to her doing nothing. One day, she just might turn over to you and give you a hug. Oh yeah... I make it a habit to hug the kids... and a lot... they appreciate it and would reciprocate after a while. This is something a little tough for some parents, but the benefits outweigh the awkwardness.

Lastly, grab an easy to read book off the bookstores... The Five Love Languages of Children. This is a wonderful book that you can finish reading in a day or two, and you will learn so much, I promise.

All the best!

MadScientist
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Re: New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby guqin » Tue Jul 26, 2011 12:04 am

My dd only started speaking after two years old and now, she talks non-stop as if she is making up for lost time! We often wondered why we were so worried at that time when she was slower in vocalisation when compared to her peers. To echo MadScientist's comments, I think you are doing a brilliant job as a father and I am sure that one day, your efforts will be rewarded.

guqin
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Re: New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby satyagraha » Tue Jul 26, 2011 10:54 am

:salute:
You are doing so much more than a lot of daddies out there! Jia you!

Your girl is 18 already. It's just about the right time that young kids are expressing their preferences for certain things/people/activities, no longer the blur-blur, laugh at every little peek-a-boos. Some kids earlier, some later. Some do so for a short period, some longer. Having said so, do understand that she is just expressing her preference, do not take that personally as a dislike.

The last thing you want, is to think so and tried all sort of things just so to please her, even at the expense of remaining as a figure of authority (on top of being a friend & playmate, of course).

I would suggest you to go slow. Don't rush into 1-on-1 activities. Do things together with mummy or simply with mummy in the background. Understand that mummy needs a break, I'm a SAHM too. But let's give the little one time to realize that this daddy is going make her feel just as secure as mummy can and provide as much fun (if not more). Once that is done, mummy can go out for me-time anytime!

Also, spending time with her doesn't need to be going out. For young kids, fun is everywhere as long as they feel secure. So, if mummy is home... spend time with her at home. Do activities that she doesn't get to do with mummy, so that she will be "attracted" to you. Mummy can accompany her, BUT mummy and daddy need to let her know that this particular activity, ONLY DADDY KNOWS. So in future, if you are not home and your girl requests to do that activity, mummy gotta tell her that is only done when daddy is home.

Example activities :
- Paper cutting.
At 18mths, I suppose you have not introduce scissors to her. Go get a child-friendly scissors, loads of child-friendly magazines. She cuts. You cut. Mummy cuts.

- Collage.
After cutting all those pictures (can be another session, just keep those cuttings), introduce GLUE. Stick them all on a mahjong paper, label the pictures and then showcase the "art piece" on the wall! She'll be proud.

- Painting.
Not the typical sit-down and paint. I'll hang our blue-&-white tarpaulin (actually anything water resistant will do) over the corridor parapet. Then tape mahjong / drawing paper on it. Bring out the colorful paints and the kiddo just paint on it!

After all the messing up, you can have water play just to clean up the corridor!

- Shower room painting.
If your shower room has clear, tempered glass shower screen, bring in the paint & paint brushes! Let your girl paint on the shower screen! After that, it's shower and clean up time, altogether!

These are some activities that you can do, exclusively, with your girl while building up her sense of security with you (not that she doesn't feel secure with you, just that she is at THAT stage). Make sure mummy doesn't do it with her when you are not home.

One more on this bonding issue, show a sad-sad face when she rejects you, put on a super happy face when she goes to you. Get mummy to point out that you are feeling hurt due to her actions. Get mummy to tell her that her actions can do magic, can change people's mood.


Walking issue
Assuming your girl has no physical, motor issues... my stand is ALL HUMAN ARE LAZY BY NATURE. Including myself of course. So, if a strong adult is with me, why would I want to do boring walking. Put me in a play area, and I can run for hours!

If it's only a short distance, and you know she can walk that distance, then don't pick her up. Just tell her lovingly that, "I know you are tired, I am a little too. Let's rest here for a while. When you are not tired anymore, we'll continue."

The message that you would like to pass on is that "the time, the world, other people may not wait for you. But I will." Not, I'll bail you out whenever you want to give up.

She may throw tantrums, make a scene but it's ok. It's a passing phase. Tell her how important it is to walk by herself... you know, the "if you don't exercise your legs, your muscle will be rendered redundant and thus will become so skinny that your legs can no longer stand. I don't wish that to happen to you." Say it as a fact, not a threat.

Pardon for the long mail. Hope it helps in certain ways.

satyagraha
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Re: New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby UncleLim » Tue Jul 26, 2011 1:56 pm

A real Dad who cares ! :celebrate:

No need to fight the missus over small differences in opinions. Back off a bit.

Bonding part takes time. 18 months is too young to judge whether she takes to you.

UncleLim
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Re: New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby ttwee1 » Tue Jul 26, 2011 5:55 pm

Wow you're a really good daddy! :) I am a new dad as well and my boy is 15 months old, i do not think i am doing as much as you for my boy. For one thing i do not bathe him. :O

Do not worry too much about the progress of your little girl, she will walk when it's time for her to walk. She will talk when it's time for her to talk. Every child starts making certain progress at their own timing. I remember i was especially worried when my boy couldn't crawl earlier and i was looking at facebook videos of similar age boys of my friends who were already learning to walk by holding on to sofas and beds. He's crawling like nobody's business now and learning to walk by pushing a playcart. Yea get one of those playcarts that can help encourage your girl to push and walk.

With regards to speech, you can try letting her watch some videos on youtube on phonics. I will try to paste some links for you tonight when i get home. I have it all in my browser marked as favourites. When my boy sees and hears them he goes hysterical all over.

With regards to issues of bonding, satyagraha made a very good point in highlighting an activity to your girl that only daddy knows and can do for her. For example in my case, my boy gets up in the morning expecting daddy to be the one to prepare milk for him and feed him. I feed him every morning before i go to work. At night when i come back from work, i will be the one to wrap a towel around him after mommy bathes him and carry him to his bed while mommy dries him. My boy will also expect me to be the one who then lies beside him on our bed and sees him to sleep.
Babies are creatures of habits and if you can arrange with your wife to segregate daily activities for your girl amongst the two of you consistently everyday it will help with your bonding with her.

Another thing to help you feel better is the knowledge that baby/toddler behaviour towards things/people change often over these initial years/months so don't worry too much if she's not responding much to you now. The next month may be a different picture altogether!

Good luck! :)

ttwee1
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Re: New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby smartmummy » Wed Jul 27, 2011 12:51 am

Wow! you do a good job! :salute: :salute:
My DH never bath,or anything else.From her 6 months old he went to another country and worked there for 6 months.Actually he had 2 year contract.When he return after 6 months I stoped him cos my elder son missed his father a lot.Actually my DH doesn't have time to spend with kids.My girl always asked me where is daddy?She always miss her father.Whenever he at home he is sleeping or went to study or went to work.

How about ur hair style?Did you change ?Did you shved and make bold.If bold head then children got scared.
Is that ur wife talk to ur child.Some parents think that kids can't understand and others doesn't have time to talk.If parents talk to kid very often then the kid started to talk early.
Good Luck!

smartmummy
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Re: New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby EASON MAGPIES » Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:04 am

MadScientist wrote:Bro,

First thing I can tell is that you are a good father... one that is willing to make changes for your daughter.

However, remember a couple of things...
Your daughter is an individual... she will grow up to have her own mind, her own preferences, her own set of values...
although most of it would be a reflection of her parents.

Very young kids will have phases of being sticky to either parent... do not fret about it. For this, IMHO, you worry too much.
You being around, listening, guiding, disciplining, playing, etc. with your daughter will add up...

Be patient with your daughter... she will in time to come learn to walk, talk, etc.
IF you are worried, there are certain guidlines as to when they should be talking and walking, etc. which are conveniently in the kids' health book that comes back with them after birth in the hospital.
I can understand that you may be anxious... for eg. reading a book... you want to read, but she is not ready just yet. She may not have an idea what a book is. Hint: You read to her... with lots of expression and actions to make it very kiddy interesting. That's a good start to experience books... rather than sit on your lap and listen to you read (which may be a stage later when she grwos up).

Do you speak to your daughter as if she understands and as if she is an adult? I tend to do that... I do not use baby language as I believe that they do understand.

Also, at times, just by sitting next to your daughter watching TV together, or lying down on the bed next to her looking at the ceiling (fan) are very bonding things to do. IMHO, treating kids like adults and lowering ourselves to their level (brings out the little kids in us!) are good connecting habits.
Scientific evidence has shown that children would always need their fathers... and daughters close to their fathers have better and more stable relationships in their own lives.
So, take it in stride, adjust and find the things that your daughter likes... connect with her, even if it means sitting next to her doing nothing. One day, she just might turn over to you and give you a hug. Oh yeah... I make it a habit to hug the kids... and a lot... they appreciate it and would reciprocate after a while. This is something a little tough for some parents, but the benefits outweigh the awkwardness.

Lastly, grab an easy to read book off the bookstores... The Five Love Languages of Children. This is a wonderful book that you can finish reading in a day or two, and you will learn so much, I promise.

All the best!


Thank you so much for your encouragement.

I will definitely go look out for the book and try to read it.

EASON MAGPIES
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Re: New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby EASON MAGPIES » Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:07 am

satyagraha wrote::salute:
You are doing so much more than a lot of daddies out there! Jia you!

Your girl is 18 already. It's just about the right time that young kids are expressing their preferences for certain things/people/activities, no longer the blur-blur, laugh at every little peek-a-boos. Some kids earlier, some later. Some do so for a short period, some longer. Having said so, do understand that she is just expressing her preference, do not take that personally as a dislike.

The last thing you want, is to think so and tried all sort of things just so to please her, even at the expense of remaining as a figure of authority (on top of being a friend & playmate, of course).

I would suggest you to go slow. Don't rush into 1-on-1 activities. Do things together with mummy or simply with mummy in the background. Understand that mummy needs a break, I'm a SAHM too. But let's give the little one time to realize that this daddy is going make her feel just as secure as mummy can and provide as much fun (if not more). Once that is done, mummy can go out for me-time anytime!

Also, spending time with her doesn't need to be going out. For young kids, fun is everywhere as long as they feel secure. So, if mummy is home... spend time with her at home. Do activities that she doesn't get to do with mummy, so that she will be "attracted" to you. Mummy can accompany her, BUT mummy and daddy need to let her know that this particular activity, ONLY DADDY KNOWS. So in future, if you are not home and your girl requests to do that activity, mummy gotta tell her that is only done when daddy is home.

Example activities :
- Paper cutting.
At 18mths, I suppose you have not introduce scissors to her. Go get a child-friendly scissors, loads of child-friendly magazines. She cuts. You cut. Mummy cuts.

- Collage.
After cutting all those pictures (can be another session, just keep those cuttings), introduce GLUE. Stick them all on a mahjong paper, label the pictures and then showcase the "art piece" on the wall! She'll be proud.

- Painting.
Not the typical sit-down and paint. I'll hang our blue-&-white tarpaulin (actually anything water resistant will do) over the corridor parapet. Then tape mahjong / drawing paper on it. Bring out the colorful paints and the kiddo just paint on it!

After all the messing up, you can have water play just to clean up the corridor!

- Shower room painting.
If your shower room has clear, tempered glass shower screen, bring in the paint & paint brushes! Let your girl paint on the shower screen! After that, it's shower and clean up time, altogether!

These are some activities that you can do, exclusively, with your girl while building up her sense of security with you (not that she doesn't feel secure with you, just that she is at THAT stage). Make sure mummy doesn't do it with her when you are not home.

One more on this bonding issue, show a sad-sad face when she rejects you, put on a super happy face when she goes to you. Get mummy to point out that you are feeling hurt due to her actions. Get mummy to tell her that her actions can do magic, can change people's mood.


Walking issue
Assuming your girl has no physical, motor issues... my stand is ALL HUMAN ARE LAZY BY NATURE. Including myself of course. So, if a strong adult is with me, why would I want to do boring walking. Put me in a play area, and I can run for hours!

If it's only a short distance, and you know she can walk that distance, then don't pick her up. Just tell her lovingly that, "I know you are tired, I am a little too. Let's rest here for a while. When you are not tired anymore, we'll continue."

The message that you would like to pass on is that "the time, the world, other people may not wait for you. But I will." Not, I'll bail you out whenever you want to give up.

She may throw tantrums, make a scene but it's ok. It's a passing phase. Tell her how important it is to walk by herself... you know, the "if you don't exercise your legs, your muscle will be rendered redundant and thus will become so skinny that your legs can no longer stand. I don't wish that to happen to you." Say it as a fact, not a threat.

Pardon for the long mail. Hope it helps in certain ways.


Thank you so much for your long email. I really appreciate it. Those ideas are really good ideas. Neither me and my wife even thought of it. I just told her about it and she is willing to give it a try.

At 18 months, we sometimes wonder if she understands what we say but we can slight improvement everyday.

guqin wrote:My dd only started speaking after two years old and now, she talks non-stop as if she is making up for lost time! We often wondered why we were so worried at that time when she was slower in vocalisation when compared to her peers. To echo MadScientist's comments, I think you are doing a brilliant job as a father and I am sure that one day, your efforts will be rewarded.


Thanks for your encouragement too.

All the encouragement really helped me not to give up.

EASON MAGPIES
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Re: New Daddy BLUES !! HELP NEEDED !!:pray:

Postby EASON MAGPIES » Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:11 am

smartmummy wrote:Wow! you do a good job! :salute: :salute:
My DH never bath,or anything else.From her 6 months old he went to another country and worked there for 6 months.Actually he had 2 year contract.When he return after 6 months I stoped him cos my elder son missed his father a lot.Actually my DH doesn't have time to spend with kids.My girl always asked me where is daddy?She always miss her father.Whenever he at home he is sleeping or went to study or went to work.

How about ur hair style?Did you change ?Did you shved and make bold.If bold head then children got scared.
Is that ur wife talk to ur child.Some parents think that kids can't understand and others doesn't have time to talk.If parents talk to kid very often then the kid started to talk early.
Good Luck!


This is what I don't understand. Sometimes seems the dad don't spend so much time and yet the children miss him. Is absence makes the heart grow fonder applies to children as well??

Thanks for the encouragement

EASON MAGPIES
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