Throwing Tantrum

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

Throwing Tantrum

Postby smurf » Thu Apr 02, 2009 11:10 pm

Why does some kids just like to throw tantrum?

My elder boy just like to throw tantrum, and he can make a big fuss out of anything. and I mean anything.

Went to fetch him from the school bus, he was napping in the bus, and refused to alight. Need to pull him down and he will be stomping and shouting and throwing tantrum.

I kept explaining why cannot stay in the bus, blah blah...but he doesn't want to listen, just kept shouting at me. :x

After about 5-10 mins coaxing and explaining, then he relent.

What did I do to make him threw tantrum?

Sometimes, when I'm busy, and he is talking and expecting me to listen and when I didn't answer him, he will be like shouting at me which I HATE. I hate people shouting at me. so when I'm angry, I refuse to answer him, just keep quiet. He refuses to stop his behaviour, expecting me to answer. and this goes on for some time. from shouting, to throwing tantrum and stomping feet, and throwing/banging things. sometimes shout to the top of his voice.

I'm at wit's end. :cry:

smurf
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Re: Throwing Tantrum

Postby tamarind » Thu Apr 02, 2009 11:30 pm

smurf wrote:Why does some kids just like to throw tantrum?

My elder boy just like to throw tantrum, and he can make a big fuss out of anything. and I mean anything.

Went to fetch him from the school bus, he was napping in the bus, and refused to alight. Need to pull him down and he will be stomping and shouting and throwing tantrum.

I kept explaining why cannot stay in the bus, blah blah...but he doesn't want to listen, just kept shouting at me. :x

After about 5-10 mins coaxing and explaining, then he relent.

What did I do to make him threw tantrum?

Sometimes, when I'm busy, and he is talking and expecting me to listen and when I didn't answer him, he will be like shouting at me which I HATE. I hate people shouting at me. so when I'm angry, I refuse to answer him, just keep quiet. He refuses to stop his behaviour, expecting me to answer. and this goes on for some time. from shouting, to throwing tantrum and stomping feet, and throwing/banging things. sometimes shout to the top of his voice.

I'm at wit's end. :cry:



smurf,
You need to punish him. I don't mean beat or cane him. What does he like best ? Take it away from him. Lock away all his favourite toys. Does he like to watch TV ? No more TV until he learns how to behave. What does he like to eat ? No more good food for him. No more outing for him. When he throws tantrums, put him in a corner and make him stay there until he cools down. Talk to him in a very stern tone that what he did was wrong.

He will not change overnight. But you must be consistent and persist. He is testing your authority now. He is trying to control you ! Don't ever give in. It is your way or no way. You must establish your authority !

tamarind
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Postby smurf » Thu Apr 02, 2009 11:59 pm

Hi Tamarind,

I've tried beating, caning, standing at a corner, soft or hard, I've tried it all.

but none works. I took away all his favourites, actually, he doesn't have any favourites leh. He likes sweets, but if I said no, he is ok with it.

'Standing at a corner' method, I've tried it so often that he thinks it's very funny to do that. After throwing tantrum, when I asked him to stand at 1 corner, he GLADLY go and stand, didn't even whine.

I've tried talking/explaining to him after making him stand at a corner too.

He likes to go outing, and when I punish him using 'no go outing' method, he will be throwing tantrum big time. like stomping feet, screaming, shouting, throwing things, etc. after these, he will be ok and forget about it. cycle goes on next time when I said no outing. and I dunno when will the cycle stops. :stupid:

That's why I said, I'm at wit's end. :cry:

smurf
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Re: Throwing Tantrum

Postby mintcc » Fri Apr 03, 2009 1:43 am

smurf wrote:Sometimes, when I'm busy, and he is talking and expecting me to listen and when I didn't answer him, he will be like shouting at me which I HATE. I hate people shouting at me. so when I'm angry, I refuse to answer him, just keep quiet. He refuses to stop his behaviour, expecting me to answer. and this goes on for some time. from shouting, to throwing tantrum and stomping feet, and throwing/banging things. sometimes shout to the top of his voice.


if you think about it, may be at first it seems natural i.e. you talk to some one, they not responding...may be they didn't hear? So the kid speaks louder and because he is use to doing all those things to get attention, it be comes a bad habit/cycle?

So, next time if he is talking to you and you a busy, model good behavior. Tell him nicely that you are sorry, because you are busy and can't listen to him talk. If he shouts tell him firmly that he can't use shouting or stomping feet to get what he wants. If he stops please reward him for his good behavior.

Actually, my boy also went through a phase of shout before when I ignore him, but what worked for us is for me to do the above or use a bit of humor. I bent down and wisper to him "we speak softly to each other okay?" or "please do not shout"

mintcc
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Re: Throwing Tantrum

Postby san76 » Fri Apr 03, 2009 2:09 am

smurf wrote:My elder boy just like to throw tantrum, and he can make a big fuss out of anything. and I mean anything.



Dear Smurf,

You have 2 kids? Elder throws tantrum? what is the age difference between the elder and the younger?

Dont cane, try saying "Shame shame" "Since you attended school, your friends or teacher will see you shouting and stomping in public like a mad boy, How?" Every child wants 'face' like we adults. When you happen to see any other kids that cry in the public, lower yourself and hold your elder child close to you and explain to him" See, that XXX crys and stomp feet, its so shameful, it attracts everyone is attention and this manner is not right."

Your elder child just wants your full attention. Dont shout back, always go to him and tell him " Shame of you", "If you still shout, you will shame your school" Every child holds their school with pride.

If he starts to shout, look at him with BIG EYES.... and soon he will understand. When its bedtime, tuck him in and tell him, if he speaks nicely to you, you will definitely response to him. If he shouts, you will feel very hurt. Another emotional blackmail is to drop tears, dont cry, just go to him when he shouts at you and your tears just flow out. Tell him how hurt you are. HEE HEE this will surely works. Dont use it too often, it will backfire. :D

san76
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Postby tamarind » Fri Apr 03, 2009 6:27 am

smurf wrote:
He likes to go outing, and when I punish him using 'no go outing' method, he will be throwing tantrum big time. like stomping feet, screaming, shouting, throwing things, etc. after these, he will be ok and forget about it. cycle goes on next time when I said no outing. and I dunno when will the cycle stops. :stupid:



So did you bring him out eventually ? Even when he did not improve his behaviour ? If we want things to work out, then we must not give in. No outing means no outing. Ignore his tantrums. Don't bring him out unless his behaviour improves, even if it means for one year or two years.

If the younger one is good, bring the younger one out, leave him at home. Show him that only good behaviour will be rewarded.

I think the problem is that you are scared of his tantrums. You got to ignore his tantrums. When he throws tantrums, always tell him "There is no use doing this. You may else well save the trouble. You are wasting your effort. "

He continues to throw tantrums because you give in ! Even if you give in once only, he will remember it and keep trying it. Even if you don't give in, but you look upset, he will know that he can control you by throwing tantrums. So it is important to show no emotions and no reactions at all when he throws tantrums.

I used to make my boy sit at the naughty corner, the longest time was for 2 hours. I let him off only when he showed genuine regret of his actions. He screamed and cried. I just pretend nothing was happening.

tamarind
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Re: Throwing Tantrum

Postby jedamum » Fri Apr 03, 2009 7:39 am

smurf wrote:My elder boy just like to throw tantrum, and he can make a big fuss out of anything. and I mean anything.

What did I do to make him threw tantrum?


smurf,
perhaps it's time to put aside your preconceived perception of your boy. you assuming that he likes to throw tantrum just because he is throwing one, has already put you in a position where you are labeling him instead of helping him control his emotion. if you think your kid as wanting to behave badly, how can you effectively connect with him when looking through those tinted glasses?

take a deep breath.... adopt a more positive view towards him and chances are that the same disciplinary actions may reap more positive results.

smurf wrote:I hate people shouting at me. so when I'm angry, I refuse to answer him, just keep quiet.

Kids pick up our behaviour easily. So by doing the above, don't be surprised that next time when your kid is angry, he'll refuse to answer you and just keep quiet no matter how stern or loud your command/scolding is. I've learnt it the hard way but is glad that I managed to get myself out of the situation that I got myself into.

jedamum
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Re: Throwing Tantrum

Postby buds » Fri Apr 03, 2009 8:42 am

san76 wrote:
smurf wrote:My elder boy just like to throw tantrum, and he can make a big fuss out of anything. and I mean anything.



Dear Smurf,

You have 2 kids? Elder throws tantrum? what is the age difference between the elder and the younger?

Dont cane, try saying "Shame shame" "Since you attended school, your friends or teacher will see you shouting and stomping in public like a mad boy, How?" Every child wants 'face' like we adults. When you happen to see any other kids that cry in the public, lower yourself and hold your elder child close to you and explain to him" See, that XXX crys and stomp feet, its so shameful, it attracts everyone is attention and this manner is not right."

Your elder child just wants your full attention. Dont shout back, always go to him and tell him " Shame of you", "If you still shout, you will shame your school" Every child holds their school with pride.

If he starts to shout, look at him with BIG EYES.... and soon he will understand. When its bedtime, tuck him in and tell him, if he speaks nicely to you, you will definitely response to him. If he shouts, you will feel very hurt. Another emotional blackmail is to drop tears, dont cry, just go to him when he shouts at you and your tears just flow out. Tell him how hurt you are. HEE HEE this will surely works. Dont use it too often, it will backfire. :D


Mebbe can use embarrassing or embarass instead of shame?
Ermm... i dunno. May sound insulting to the child after a while
that he/she is shaming the family and himself by doing that.
And if by doing the shameful episode helps get his/her parents'
attention, since he/she is already the shamed one - why bother
to buck up the attitude anyhow... Already labelled the shameless
one.

Just an opinion lah.. pls don't take offence. :oops:

PS : I have personally never used the shame word. Hence, i apologise
in advance if i don't quite share the sentiments shared above.. Parenting
is after all up to the individual's style.. Tho embarassing may mean the
similar to shame in a way, it doesn't come out so strong lah to me...

buds
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Re: Throwing Tantrum

Postby buds » Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:02 am

jedamum wrote:
smurf wrote:My elder boy just like to throw tantrum, and he can make a big fuss out of anything. and I mean anything.

What did I do to make him threw tantrum?


smurf,
perhaps it's time to put aside your preconceived perception of your boy. you assuming that he likes to throw tantrum just because he is throwing one, has already put you in a position where you are labeling him instead of helping him control his emotion. if you think your kid as wanting to behave badly, how can you effectively connect with him when looking through those tinted glasses?

take a deep breath.... adopt a more positive view towards him and chances are that the same disciplinary actions may reap more positive results.

smurf wrote:I hate people shouting at me. so when I'm angry, I refuse to answer him, just keep quiet.

Kids pick up our behaviour easily. So by doing the above, don't be surprised that next time when your kid is angry, he'll refuse to answer you and just keep quiet no matter how stern or loud your command/scolding is. I've learnt it the hard way but is glad that I managed to get myself out of the situation that I got myself into.


I agree with jedamum at some point here myself..
Our children are raised by us. Their actions and also
their behaviour are usually seen by others as a reflection
of our own (behaviour & practises). In our exasperation to
deal with temper, tantrums and disobedience of our children,
we may have unintentionally showed our side of the ugly and
scary...

At this point, if a turn for positive intervention is not in place as
soon as possible, and at the rate the issues with the child is going,
it will only become worse as he grows bigger and older. Gotta nip it
in the bud. Stop bad behaviour. Avoid long naggings when stopping
behaviour. Distract him with other things he likes to do (quickly if you
can lah...) - parent should not prolong the situation. Encourage & offer
praise for any positive change.. lastly - CONSISTENCY and
PERSEVERANCE. No change can be done overnight, and the patience
to see through a positive disciplining attitude will definitely show you
positive results.

Be good if the daddy can also be in the picture to provide the father
figure discipline and authority. It is understandable that a tired mummy
results in a cranky mummy, but it does not mean we should be a cranky
mummy every other day. Wake up each day, believing its a new day...
new experiences.. a positive and cheerful mummy will provide positive
vibes and energy to the children.

Hang in there..
You can do it.

buds
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Re: Throwing Tantrum

Postby MLR » Fri Apr 03, 2009 10:31 am

jedamum wrote:
smurf wrote:My elder boy just like to throw tantrum, and he can make a big fuss out of anything. and I mean anything.

What did I do to make him threw tantrum?


smurf,
perhaps it's time to put aside your preconceived perception of your boy. you assuming that he likes to throw tantrum just because he is throwing one, has already put you in a position where you are labeling him instead of helping him control his emotion. if you think your kid as wanting to behave badly, how can you effectively connect with him when looking through those tinted glasses?

take a deep breath.... adopt a more positive view towards him and chances are that the same disciplinary actions may reap more positive results.

smurf wrote:I hate people shouting at me. so when I'm angry, I refuse to answer him, just keep quiet.

Kids pick up our behaviour easily. So by doing the above, don't be surprised that next time when your kid is angry, he'll refuse to answer you and just keep quiet no matter how stern or loud your command/scolding is. I've learnt it the hard way but is glad that I managed to get myself out of the situation that I got myself into.


I do agree with jedamum view. Children are parroting/mirroring us. Our 2.5 yo "records" everything he hears/see and "play" for us. When we listen, lots are our very own words.

There was once when DH was hving daddy time with DS and DS was heading to a trantrum, i observe and had a "lightbulb" moment. Cos i realise DS was fustrated that DH couldn't understand what he wanted and it was leading to a tantrum. Your boy could had a bad day in school and he wanted some understanding and love, but he may not be able to express his emotion, so it acts out in other ways. Which was why when you showed him attention (the 5-10mins of explaining), he relented. Perhaps you could greet him with a smile and asked him how he was in school each day (not how was spelling/ca/any homework)? That would give him an opportunity to share with you and work out his emotions. So, he wouldn't think that all mommy does is nag/commands/instruct.

When I m bz and alone with DS, I always tell him that I m going to do some work and I will come back to him later. When he wants to talk to me, and I can't be distracted, I will always tell him to wait for another 5-10 mins and I always do stop and listen. The shouting issue.... its 2 ways, cos when we are upset/angry, we do raise our voice unconsciously, so its his way of expressing his fustration to you (by being louder than you). Sometimes its easy to overlook their emotional health, cos they are children. But to me, its more important than their school work/grades. Cos a emotional healthy child is able to deal with stress and pressure more effectively in school where most of their core activities take place.

End of day, a tired/flustered mum is an inefficient mum. When i hv a bad day, i will call DH ahead and ask him to be home early and pass baton to him b4 the monster in me comes out. Once, DH secretly video me in my "monster mommy" self and show it to me, it shocked me that how ugly and crazy looking i was shouting at my then 18 mths old DS. And I realise that he was at the age where he was starting to absorb every actions of mine and I definately doesn't want him doing what i did. Since then I try my very best not to let out that monster in me. The angrier and fustrated i feel, the softer i spoke to him.

Just remember that all growing children have their passing phases/period. Do share your emotions with someone, cos you need to let off steam too. Healthy mind, better mommy we can be. :love:

MLR
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