Is cry & adapt the only way out

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby mymagicteddy » Fri Sep 09, 2011 12:01 pm

My DD is very clingy & slow-to-warm-up with high separation anxiety. Recently, I have been looking for preschool for her. All those I have visited, even those very premium ones, told me cry & adapt is the only method. Are there any other more subtle ways. I do not wish to end up with struggles everyday just to get her to school. Pls help...

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Re: Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby ConcernedDaddy » Fri Sep 09, 2011 1:53 pm

Human beings are a creature of habit and routine, especially the young ones. Thus is it only human nature to want to resist change and not face uncertainty. However, when faced with challenges, humans are also the most adaptable of all species, no surprises why we are the dominant living things on earth.

My son did cry initially when sent to school in the morning. Mummy couldnt bear to see his tears as well so there was some dilemna too. One day, we bumped into an lady neighbour in the lift and she told us she went through this process too, and withdrew her daughter back then. Today, she regrets the decision terribly as she felt her daughter is not as independent compared to her peers. She encouraged us to perservere and tackle the issue head-on, instead of withdrawing.

It takes time to change. So whenever my son gets back from school, we ask(focus) him about the fun things he did and learned, to positively reinforce his experience. That said, the school staff do play an important role as well. We were quite fortunate to have experienced teachers who knew how to distract him during the initial minutes he reports to school. We also did our part to minimize the anxiety by saying quick byes and explaining that papa/mama are going to work etc, and leave the rest to the teachers (because he does not calm down when he knows we are still around). It was difficult for us too, because we were always thinking if our boy is still crying etc after we left him. But the school director was really was most helpful, sensing the parents' anxiety, would sms or give us timely updates during those initial few days - which really set our mind at ease.

Now every evening, my son will tell his teachers he wants to come back to school the next day and he likes school! However, there will still be a few days now and then, when he throws a tantrum and says he wants to stay home with mama/papa. Kids are kids afterall, i guess.

Just our personal experience...

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Re: Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby mymagicteddy » Fri Sep 09, 2011 3:31 pm

ConcernedDaddy wrote:Human beings are a creature of habit and routine, especially the young ones. Thus is it only human nature to want to resist change and not face uncertainty. However, when faced with challenges, humans are also the most adaptable of all species, no surprises why we are the dominant living things on earth.

My son did cry initially when sent to school in the morning. Mummy couldnt bear to see his tears as well so there was some dilemna too. One day, we bumped into an lady neighbour in the lift and she told us she went through this process too, and withdrew her daughter back then. Today, she regrets the decision terribly as she felt her daughter is not as independent compared to her peers. She encouraged us to perservere and tackle the issue head-on, instead of withdrawing.

It takes time to change. So whenever my son gets back from school, we ask(focus) him about the fun things he did and learned, to positively reinforce his experience. That said, the school staff do play an important role as well. We were quite fortunate to have experienced teachers who knew how to distract him during the initial minutes he reports to school. We also did our part to minimize the anxiety by saying quick byes and explaining that papa/mama are going to work etc, and leave the rest to the teachers (because he does not calm down when he knows we are still around). It was difficult for us too, because we were always thinking if our boy is still crying etc after we left him. But the school director was really was most helpful, sensing the parents' anxiety, would sms or give us timely updates during those initial few days - which really set our mind at ease.

Now every evening, my son will tell his teachers he wants to come back to school the next day and he likes school! However, there will still be a few days now and then, when he throws a tantrum and says he wants to stay home with mama/papa. Kids are kids afterall, i guess.

Just our personal experience...



Thank you for sharing your experience with me. The school director indeed has done a great job. May I know which school is your boy attending?

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Re: Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby littlehelper » Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:40 pm

I guess almost every kid will cry when they first enter.a new environment without their parents.
Depending on the center and teachers some let them cry out since day one and let the kids settle themselves, others will distract/ carry and slowly let them adapt however If kid continues to cry for months they will definitely let them cry it out especially if there are other new kids.
But kids learn fast ans adapt quickly. They will stop crying after some time, the longer the parent takes to let go the harder it is for both parent and child and of cos the teachers.
All the best! Say quick byes and leave:)

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Re: Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby Chenonceau » Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:56 pm

There is actually a more gentle way out... Neither of my 2 cried when I left them in school. Here is how I did it...

http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2011/01/ ... chool.html

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Re: Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby Vevey » Sat Sep 10, 2011 2:09 am

Chenonceau wrote:There is actually a more gentle way out... Neither of my 2 cried when I left them in school. Here is how I did it...

http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2011/01/ ... chool.html


On hindsight after "experimenting" w 2 kids of different characters, I agreed w this.
DS1 was v timid & clingy so we brought him to a weekly session at MyGym for half a year b4 transiting him to a full day childcare when he was 2yo. Parents were required to participate w the kids during the 1st half of the session b4 the kids started to roam ard during free play w the equipments. That's when we would slowly let go of him, bit by bit, more & more, every session.

So, he did cried for the whole 1st week at childcare whenever we left him (1st 3 days were half days) but was ok after awhile (I returned to peep at him from windows & my separation anxiety seemed to b higher than his :slapshead: ).

This was more than 6yrs ago, so i m sure there r more such parent-participating programs on offer these days. Crying-it-out mildly, for a little while is ok, but not heart-brokenly, so it's more humane to ease an introvert child into separation.

I know the difference bcos I really regret not withdrawing DS1 from the same childcare immediately when he cried everyday horribly 1.5yrs later when he met some nasty teachers. Instead, I had waited for > half a yr until the year ended. The transformation in him at the PCF was so drastic. He became cheerful again.

As for DS2, I had to send him to half-day playgroup rather urgently when he was 19mo, as I had to get rid of my maid.

Luckily, the teachers were kind & flexible enough to let me accompany him as much as he needed me to, for almost 1 whole mth. I would ease myself away (when he tired of sitting onto my laps after an hr) or make some excuse to leave the class for time to time & lengthen my disappearance as much as I could stand it. At times, he would cry when he realised that I was gone. However, his teachers were caring enough to distract him w toys & kind words, so the crying was minimal most of the time. At times when I couldn't stand his howling, I would appear & told him I was at the washroom just now & there was no need for him to cry.

The results? He would walk into the school by himself & just wave goodbye (if he remembered me) after the adjustment period. Could even help teachers to console older but newer kids who were crying.

When the sch had to close down after its lease expired when he was 3.5yo, he had no problem adjusting to a PCF this yr at all. In fact, I don't even leave the car but let DS1 bring/fetch him to & from class after the 1st term. :cool:

DS2 is definitely more independent than DS1 at the same age but he still needs us to provide the sense of security until he gains it himself.

Whenever there is a social opportunity (story-telling sessions at library, live shows at malls, playgrounds etc), try to ease urself/caregiver away inch by inch. I find "hiding" behind newspapers at a nearby bench at playground v useful & insightful. :evil:

Vevey
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Re: Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby Oppsgal » Sat Sep 10, 2011 8:26 am

Takes around less than a month to adapt for my kid for the first childcare went to. The recent childcare, hardly a day to adapt.

Starting, kid will cling a little to parents as don't really know what is happening and might be scare when parents leave them alone with strangers. That's when parents take a few days leave to accompany them to childcare and play together.

Then slowly the time to cling to parents should become shorter. Finally just a wave goodbye, the kid hardly bother you left for work. Then some parents will grow :gloomy: because kid never bother to say goodbye but run to the toys and play.

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Re: Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby mymagicteddy » Sun Sep 11, 2011 5:16 pm

My DD not only have the problem with separation anxiety but also stranger anxiety. I should say that my DD very extreme. She doesn,t allow strangers to talk to her let alone touch her. I am actually hoping to let go slowly. At least let her familiarise with the teachers, students & environment first. But all the preschools that I have visited told me that this method will not work. What they told me is the longer I sit in with my DD, the more difficult is for her to let go. All along I have been skeptical about what they said. So what they have told me is kind of untrue. But until now I have not been able to find a preschool that is flexible to give myself & my DD a chance to slowly let go.
Last edited by mymagicteddy on Mon Sep 12, 2011 8:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby Chenonceau » Sun Sep 11, 2011 5:20 pm

mymagicteddy wrote:My DD not only have the problem with separation anxiety but also stranger anxiety. She doesn,t allow strangers to even talk to her I am actually hoping to let go slowly like what you did. But all the preschools that I have visited told me that this method will not work. What they told me is the longer I sit in with my DD, the more difficult is for her to let go. All along I have been skeptical about they said. So what they have told me is kind of untrue. But until now I have not been able to find a preschool that is flexible to give myself & my DD a chance to slowly let go.


I did not start with preschool. I started with a playgroup of 1.5 hours three times a week... or was it 2... or 1 (I forget)? And perhaps all her anxiety is contributing to parent anxiety and that adds to her anxiety and round and round it goes. The whole process took 1 year.

Cry and adapt is faster.

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Re: Is cry & adapt the only way out

Postby ConcernedDaddy » Sun Sep 11, 2011 9:15 pm

MagicTeddy, my son's with Cherie Hearts Nurtureloft at Bishan. :)

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