How to make a child more confident and outspoken

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

How to make a child more confident and outspoken

Postby kaitlynangelica » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:03 am

Dear parents,

Am having some problems with my K2 gal here. Acaedemically she is fine but

1) Very shy and quiet.

2) Refuses to greet others like say Hello or Good-bye

3) When I bring her to a party where she doesn't know the kids, she won't join in the games. If she does, she wants me to follow her.

4) Worse of all, she started her nonsense this year by crying when I drop her off at school. The only reason I can think of is that she hates her chinese teacher. But hey, she has to be tougher right? She doesn't cry outright but tears when I am about to leave.

I just hate it when other parents ask whats wrong with her and I do feel kinda embarassed with her behaviour.

She is fine with outdoor activities like swimming and cycling. When we engage in those sports, she is chatty and happy.

Any suggestions on how to make her more self-confident?

kaitlynangelica
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Re: How to make a child more confident and outspoken

Postby jedamum » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:15 am

kaitlynangelica wrote:1) Very shy and quiet.

hi kaitlynangelica,

if you do have some spare time, you can check out the library's parenting section on books relating on 'how to raise confident kids'. I can't remember the ones that I had borrowed, but i do remember one important point:

- when your kid is shy and close up in front of people, on your part, do not say 'she is like that/she is very shy' to the other person in FRONT of your girl. that will make her concur that she is shy and then withdraw back further into her shelf.

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Re: How to make a child more confident and outspoken

Postby kaitlynangelica » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:18 am

jedamum wrote:
kaitlynangelica wrote:1) Very shy and quiet.

hi kaitlynangelica,

if you do have some spare time, you can check out the library's parenting section on books relating on 'how to raise confident kids'. I can't remember the ones that I had borrowed, but i do remember one important point:

- when your kid is shy and close up in front of people, on your part, do not say 'she is like that/she is very shy' to the other person in FRONT of your girl. that will make her concur that she is shy and then withdraw back further into her shelf.


Hi Jedamum,

Thanks for your reply.

This has been bothering me so much and I feel like a failure as a parent.

Btw, she is only shy in front of adults. Once she gets to know the person, she is okay and will open up.

I am even more bothered about her tearing in school when I drop her off. She is the only K2 child I know who behaves like this.

kaitlynangelica
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Re: How to make a child more confident and outspoken

Postby jedamum » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:31 am

kaitlynangelica wrote:I am even more bothered about her tearing in school when I drop her off. She is the only K2 child I know who behaves like this.

Parenting is a learning journey.
My POV is that she is only trying to express her fears through tearing (perhaps stress-relieving too?)- it could be worse...she could have throw tantrums you know :wink:.
Try to reassure her that so long she does her part on being a good student, she should not fear much about fierce teachers.

About how other parents will think of you when they see your girl crying....treat them as transParent :wink:

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Re: How to make a child more confident and outspoken

Postby kaitlynangelica » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:34 am

jedamum wrote:
kaitlynangelica wrote:I am even more bothered about her tearing in school when I drop her off. She is the only K2 child I know who behaves like this.

Parenting is a learning journey.
My POV is that she is only trying to express her fears through tearing (perhaps stress-relieving too?)- it could be worse...she could have throw tantrums you know :wink:.
Try to reassure her that so long she does her part on being a good student, she should not fear much about fierce teachers.

About how other parents will think of you when they see your girl crying....treat them as transParent :wink:

Jedamum,

What fears could she possibly have? What could be stressing her?
I know for a fact that she complained that work was difficult when I switched her to this Montessori School. She didn't learn anything in the church kindies before she went into this school in K1. Hence, she had to catch up.

But is it possible that at such a young age she is aware and conscious that other kids are ahead of her?

kaitlynangelica
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Re: How to make a child more confident and outspoken

Postby jedamum » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:45 am

kaitlynangelica wrote:What fears could she possibly have? What could be stressing her?

But is it possible that at such a young age she is aware and conscious that other kids are ahead of her?

Fear of new surroundings, fear of authoritative figures (eg loud teachers), excluded from group activities, considering that girls tends to mature faster than boys, it will not be surprising that she may be aware that others are more 'advanced' academically than she is. The surge of 'learning' info (as compared to her previous kindie) may be too overwhelming for her. Besides, don't rule out the teasing part which may sometimes happen.

Maybe you can get feedback from the teachers on whether she need to catch up on what aspect if you feel that your kid is stressed over being underprepared...cos Knowledge after all is Power.

JMHO.

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Postby sashimi » Wed Apr 08, 2009 11:14 am

Hey KA, actually your daughter sounds like mine, except for the tearing part. Mine is also very chatty and happy generally, but clams up in front of strangers.

suggestions:

1) It could really be that it is the Chinese teacher, or some other individual at school who's giving her trouble. It's taht simple sometimes. You may want to see if say, a naughty boy is bullying her. Ask her on a day when she's happy (don't ask when she's under stress).

If this is the case, that someone at school is making her unhappy - the solution is to either resolve the difference or, well, change the place (more drastic I know, but I did it once for my DD's sake).

2) Build her confidence. Easier said than done, yes. You can try speech and drama classes if available. I was not a big fan of this, but once my DD went through it I noticed she developed this penchant for acting/performing on stage. She has zero stage fright.

3) Encourage her progress at school/in learning.

4) Try to help her establish a strong buddy friend at school. A bit of luck involved here.

It's annoying when the child won't join the other kids at play and insists you follow her. My DD still does this from time to time. She may want to join in, but she just finds your presence more secure. One way out of this is well... don't bring her yourself, have someone else bring her to the occasion/party/etc.

Also, if you feel up to it, join her for a while, let her get comfortable, then slowly slip to the sides (you can try giving an excuse, "mommy needs to go toilet a while, you continue playing, I'll come back in 5 mins ok?) when u come back, just stay by the side.

good luck. :)

sashimi
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Postby kaitlynangelica » Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:53 pm

sashimi wrote:Hey KA, actually your daughter sounds like mine, except for the tearing part. Mine is also very chatty and happy generally, but clams up in front of strangers.

suggestions:

1) It could really be that it is the Chinese teacher, or some other individual at school who's giving her trouble. It's taht simple sometimes. You may want to see if say, a naughty boy is bullying her. Ask her on a day when she's happy (don't ask when she's under stress).


Hi Sashimi,
think you are right. She only started in Feb this year in K2 because I think its getting more acaedemic and the chinese teacher has been teaching them a lot more stuff this year. I think she feels stressed. This year, also got spelling and Ting Xie.

And you are right about someone else bringing her because when my maid sends her for her enrichment on Mon and thurs afternoons, she is perfectly alright.

All in all, I think its due to my expectations about her and my consciousness of other pp scrutinising me. I guess I have to learn to let go and ignore the stares around me.

Also Sashimi, I think it could be an only child syndrome? Thats my guess because single children tend to be stickier from my observation.

Take Care..........

kaitlynangelica
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Postby nsmom » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:43 pm

Hi KA

Here is my 2 cents worth- first of all, please don't feel embarassed by her behaviour. It will make her more anxious and less self-conscious. I know it is easier said than done but who said parenting is easy? She is trying to tell you that she needs you and you are the only one who can give her the confidence which has been shattered by certain events (which we r nt very sure of).

* She might be an introvert which means she will take little longer to adjust to new surrounding. She will also be more sensitive towards how other people react or behave towards her. You might have to act like a shield in front of her until things get better. There are good books in library about raising introverts or shy children. One I read was -"Hidden gifts of the introverted child"

you can take solace in the fact that such children are intelligent and that is why they feel and react strongly to their environment.

So please, be there for her as a confident mother who believes in her child. It is a known fact that our kids soak up our feelings. some ideas:
- Introduce her to 1 person at a time
- reach early at party venue and let her feel the environment.
- Hold her finger or give her ur gentle touch until she is ready to move on.
If problem lies in school then identify the culprit ASAP and take action. Remember she is only 5 and needs all the love and encouragement you can provide.

Gd luck

nsmom
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Re: How to make a child more confident and outspoken

Postby kaitlynangelica » Thu Apr 09, 2009 5:40 pm

jedamum wrote:
kaitlynangelica wrote:What fears could she possibly have? What could be stressing her?

But is it possible that at such a young age she is aware and conscious that other kids are ahead of her?

Fear of new surroundings, fear of authoritative figures (eg loud teachers), excluded from group activities, considering that girls tends to mature faster than boys, it will not be surprising that she may be aware that others are more 'advanced' academically than she is. The surge of 'learning' info (as compared to her previous kindie) may be too overwhelming for her. Besides, don't rule out the teasing part which may sometimes happen.

Maybe you can get feedback from the teachers on whether she need to catch up on what aspect if you feel that your kid is stressed over being underprepared...cos Knowledge after all is Power.



Hi Jedamum,

The teachers have told me that she has caught up well. When she first went to K1, she had to complete the pink boxes set which everyone else had completed in N2. She is almost on par with ther rest. In mathematics, I know that she is behind as she is still doing addition wheras most of them are doing subtraction. But overall, the teachers have said that she has surpassed their expectations. Even the chinese teachers said so.

But I do agree with you that knowledge is power and she probably is aware that others are more advanced than her. That's why nowadays, I don't make a big deal when she has spelling and ting xie. I do not say things like "must spell correctly ah" or "must get full marks ah". I don't want her to be so conscious at such a young age.

JMHO.

kaitlynangelica
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