Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

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Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby dadforgood » Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:09 pm

Hi all,

I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my kids because of work. Does anyone here feel the same? If so, how do you cope with it?

Would love to hear and learn from all of you.

Thanks!

dadforgood
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Re: Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby LOLMum » Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:22 pm

my dh has not been able to spend time with the kids cos' he is away 95% of the time.

he has been unable to attend parents meet teacher sessions, sports day, drama night, appt with dr, birthdays etc too. and he gets upset when the kids are too busy to talk to him on the phone.

he does feel guilty and try to give them whatever they want. and i got to put a stop to that. but he is welcome to give me whatever i want :evil:

i can only do my part by telling my kids how much daddy loves them etc. and glad to know that my kids do not blame him for not being here.

got to tell all of them (including myself) that it is not the amount of time spent together but rather the quality that matters more.

LOLMum
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Re: Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby dadforgood » Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:55 pm

What you said about the quality of time spent together is really nice. :) It's great that your kids don't blame your husband too!

So being away often, how does your husband reach out to your children? What special routines do your kids love to do with your husband when he's away?

I wonder if anybody else feels guilty that they don't spend enough time with their kids? How are you all coping with it?

dadforgood
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Re: Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby LOLMum » Thu Mar 08, 2012 5:34 pm

my husband can call up to 6/7 times a day. :faint:

they chat about everything on the phone and disagreements between dd and him is pretty common too. it is quite funny sometimes to see them quarrel on the phone. sometimes it was just him getting all upset over trival matters and my dd would just check her iphone and "yes", "sorry" etc to him (of course he thought she was paying attention to his blah blah blah). was caught a few times and got another earful from him :wink: .

also on msn but skype is definite a must on sat and sun so daddy could see his kids.

my kids love to shop with him when he is back (smart kids cos' mummy wont buy the expensive stuff). i would try to get them to the parks and restaurants most of the time.

LOLMum
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Re: Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby cherrygal » Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:00 pm

Why feel guilty and not do anything about it? I have heard of male high fliers who gave up their busy jobs to slow down and spend more time with their kids. Some of them even became marriage/parent counsellors, sharing their own stories with other parents.

I also know of a friend who took up a job in South Africa, leaving his young wife and baby in Singapore. He only comes back once in three months or so. I don't know why his wife let him take up that type of job when he could get other local jobs with his degree and experience.

Was there a choice? Yes there is always a choice. But most of the time, the wife is the one making the self-sacrificing choice. The family support structure must also be really strong. If not, the wife will become similar to a frustrated single parent, facing the kids' issues all by herself.

LOLmum, your DH is very lucky to have such an understanding wife like yourself.
Last edited by cherrygal on Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby dadforgood » Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:05 pm

Hello cherrygal,

Do you know what your friend who works in Africa does to cope with being away from his kid?

I make sure that I tell my son stories about my adventures when I'm away.

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Re: Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby LOLMum » Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:11 pm

thanks cherrygal.

he is actually the better one because he let all those opportunities that came his way slipped by because of me.

this is the one opportunity for me to make it right for him.

LOLMum
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Re: Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby cherrygal » Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:28 pm

What can he really do for his kid when he only stays in Singapore for a few days at a time? He probably thinks his young baby won't know his absence but I can guarantee you the wife will surely feel "abandoned" occasionally, esp when the baby falls ill or throws tantrums.

Making your adventures too interesting may only spark your kid to ask why can't you take him along? Or why are you "enjoying life" without him... My son asked me that when I only went for short business trips...

As a wife, I would prefer my husband to be there than to have "compensation" in kind.

As for what you think dads should do... it all depends on the age of the kid. You should go to www.dadsforlife.sg to read up on the important role of a father. And it's not just to provide money. Fathers have great influence over their kids. Boys and girls have different expectations of their dads.

cherrygal
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Re: Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby cherrygal » Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:48 pm


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Re: Guilty about not spending enough time with my kids

Postby alangolf » Mon Mar 12, 2012 11:34 am

Some can spend whole weekends with the kids and still felt insufficient, while some is proud with just 1x short outing on weekends. The right balance depends on your family support, your children's needs, finances etc. If I may ask, why do you feel guilty? (besides wanting to spend more time with them) Is it b'cos you think they need better care? You miss out on their growing years? Find the cause and decide what you can/want to do about it. Guilt will harm the relationship with spouse/kids (e.g. over indulgence in them).

We all contribute to the family in different ways. Find your own balance, decide what you want/can do about it then be at peace with the situation. Feeling drives actions, actions drives results.

cheers!
b.

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