Child who is not independent

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

Child who is not independent

Postby Carrotree » Fri May 29, 2009 11:40 am

Hi mummies, i'm new here and wondering if anyone can help..

my son was born in year end 2004 and is rather sticky to me, when i attempted to enroll him in enrichment classes, even when i am with him at the trial class, he will start crying and bawling his eyes out...

its the same when i attend seminars, and u know for those, they have separate activities for kids? He will refuse to join in the other activities that the kids are taking part in and choose to sit in with me..

how do i train him to be by his own, any parents can share experiences on when he will "outgrow" this phase?

He's attending full day childcare since he was 3 yrs old..

Carrotree
OrangeBelt
OrangeBelt
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Fri May 29, 2009 10:11 am
Total Likes: 0


Postby smurf » Fri May 29, 2009 12:08 pm

hmm, quite tough. my boy same age as yours, also yr end bb, 04. but he is not that sticky to me.

I thought he is attending child care, should be more independent?? my boy only attends 3 hrs kindy.

try praising him ALOT when he does something independent, no matter how small. start at home. for example, ask him to wear his own pants, praise him when he does that, etc.

try attending those enrichment class which parents cannot accompany child. tell him gently that you will wait for him outside. It makes a lot of difference (compared to saying nothin at all).

if there is a window, peep inside and purposely show your face once in a while, show your thumb up to 'tell' him that he is doing a good job. this method doesn't work for younger kids though.

I think he is probably insecure. or another thing is, he didn't see you much, so he grabs every chance to be with the parents.

HTHs.

smurf
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 2329
Joined: Wed Jan 28, 2009 1:27 am
Total Likes: 0


Postby thebusybee » Fri May 29, 2009 7:17 pm

Hi Carrottree

Welcome to KSP!

You're not alone! My boy 20 month is also very sticky to me, and just to me only.

Every child is different in terms of character, am i right to say shy and less confident child tend to me more sticky/clingy? Not for my boy though, he's not shy at all but super clingy after entered full day childcare. (had the reverse effect, purpose of sending him at 18 month is hoping he become more independent, i.e. more like not too dependent on me...)

As mothers we tend to 'give-in' to our baby since birth, we'll instinctively attend to him whenever he cries for food, love, in pain and throwing tantrums. I'm not SAHM but my son's sticky to me when I'm home which make me difficult to do things when he's around.

I BF him till 15 months or so (forgot when i stopped), which make him difficult to part with me. BUT he's ok with other people ONLY without my presence, like when he's with his dad, he'll try to act hero, macho - running about, making noises on his own etc....

For now, I avoid sending him to childcare in the morning (he won't let go of me). Let his dad bring him out alone for father and son time in the pool, play balls, meals... since my hubby always complaining no time to play with son when i'm around.

Carrotree wrote:when i attempted to enroll him in enrichment classes, even when i am with him at the trial class, he will start crying and bawling his eyes out...

I think it's the new environment that scare him off, did you ask how he feels? Why he doesn't like it? For all you know he's afraid of some kids or teacher.....

Since you son's already 4, he should be able to communicate and listen right? Can i suggest give him a watch to learn to tell time and anticipate the pick-up time from you when attending classes?

Do you think with another person like the dad or granny accompany him to classes can improve his stickiness?

smurf wrote:I think he is probably insecure. or another thing is, he didn't see you much, so he grabs every chance to be with the parents.


Agreed, i see my son as missing me alot, want to get close to me and afraid that I'll disappear because i always play the disappearing act whenever i leave the house. (I know it's not a good strategy but no choice as he doesn't seem to understand that mummy will come back....)

thebusybee
BlueBelt
BlueBelt
 
Posts: 205
Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2009 2:07 am
Total Likes: 0


Postby mintcc » Fri May 29, 2009 9:55 pm

I am in similar shoes. My boy goes to infant/childcare since 1 yr and can play on his own when it comes to playground and places he like. But at home he is extremely sticky too.

At one stage he wants me and only me to do everything for him, even things that he is completely capable of doing by himself. It got pretty bad at one stage esp when we had a new maid.I am a ftwm and by the time we came home from cc I am extremely tired but he insisted I do everything for him and with him from bathing him to staying with him when he need to use the potty to being with him till he sleeps :faint: It's even worst when I need to bring work home at times. Can only creep to do work after he sleeps.

Had been trying to go with a three-prong approach and seems to have some improvement.
1. Encourage the rest of the family to play with him and him to let other members of the family help him with his things.
2. Put my foot down. Starting with alternate days, I insist I am not going to bath him and if he refuse to let the maid do it he will have to bath him self. Its slowly working and I am able to slip away while he let others help him.
3. Still spend time with him when i can and repeatedly explain to him that I am tired and busy at times and I will do my best to be with him when I can but he should understand when I can't.

thebusybee wrote:I think it's the new environment that scare him off


agree. Some times, kids takes time to get use to the environement. For cc, they are already familiar but for new enrichment and seminars they are at a new place with people they have never meet before. perhaps can explain to him before he goes and let him know you will be back after the seminar but accompany him a bit before you go off?

thebusybee wrote:afraid that I'll disappear because i always play the disappearing act whenever i leave the house. (I know it's not a good strategy but no choice as he doesn't seem to understand that mummy will come back....)


Sometimes I think it is not they don't understand we will be back but want to stick to us whenever possible. If I want to go downstairs to run errands, ds will tell me that he want to follow me and make a fuzz when he can't. ..so I end up bringing him along whenever possible.

mintcc
BlackBelt
BlackBelt
 
Posts: 880
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2007 2:05 pm
Total Likes: 0


Postby Carrotree » Tue Jun 02, 2009 1:57 pm

Hi mummies,

thanks so much for your replies and advice. Glad to know that i'm not the only one.. was wondering if it is also due to the fact that i have been breastfeeding him for a long time (he still nurses for comfort once a day)..

the enrichment class i sent him was supposed to be without parents but for trial class, they allowed parents to sit in and then halfway, supposed parents supposed to "disappear".. wah, even when i in the room, he still cry as if i was outside the room!

crossing my fingers that it is a phase. when i see pri school kids and they are independent, i guess it is a matter of time before he will be.. i just have to be patient, i guess..

thanks again!

Carrotree
OrangeBelt
OrangeBelt
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Fri May 29, 2009 10:11 am
Total Likes: 0



Postby Funz » Tue Jun 02, 2009 2:48 pm

Breastfeeding lead to clingy kids? Thot suppose to lead to kids who grow up feeling more secure and confident. I did total express BM no wonder my kids are in a hurry to get rid of me. Heheh.

It really depends on the kids' character. Kids who are more reserve and shy will tend to cling on to their parents when in an unfamiliar environment. Main thing is to give them lots of assurance. It can get frustrating but try not to scold them. But most importantly, I think, do not give in to their crying as well. If you want them to go for the enrichment then you have to harden your heart to their crying and leave them there. After that follow up with the teacher on how were they after you have left them and see what the teacher says.

Funz
Councillor
Councillor
 
Posts: 10820
Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 12:48 pm
Total Likes: 318


Postby mintcc » Tue Jun 02, 2009 3:40 pm

yes, in a a few years I think even if we want them to stick to us they also dun wan liao.

I think sometimes I am also "guilty" of encouraging DS's stickiness because I love having him close to me. So when DS come to hold my hand at bed time and give me puppy look and cling to me so that I will get off the computer to pat pat him to sleep I really can't refuse

mintcc
BlackBelt
BlackBelt
 
Posts: 880
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2007 2:05 pm
Total Likes: 0


Postby thebusybee » Tue Jun 02, 2009 8:07 pm

share the same thinking as mincy, the day will come when they get independent and avoid going out with us. I'm always 'guilty' of spoiling my son too, while the dad wants him to be less dependent on adults, especially clinging on to me. He always told me not to attend to him and let him cry instead......... but i dun have the heart.

Do most dads afraid that son got too sticky to mum and become mama's boy?

thebusybee
BlueBelt
BlueBelt
 
Posts: 205
Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2009 2:07 am
Total Likes: 0


Clingy boy

Postby concern2 » Tue Jun 02, 2009 10:11 pm

I always wonder about the term 'mummy's boy'. I think my son's quite a mummy's boy cos we dote on each other. So as a mommy, I don't mind if my son's a mummy's boy. :love: But certainly not if I am the wife of a mummy's boy!!!

concern2
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 4895
Joined: Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:18 pm
Total Likes: 29


Postby mintcc » Tue Jun 02, 2009 10:55 pm

hee I won't mind if my boy becomes a mummy's boy when he grow up. I have an acquaitence who still accompany his mum to watch movie even though he is in his early 30s. Hope my boy will do that when he gets to that age too..

mintcc
BlackBelt
BlackBelt
 
Posts: 880
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2007 2:05 pm
Total Likes: 0


Next

Return to Working With Your Child