The Big Caning Poll

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

Is it OK to cane your child?

No, it is never OK to cane your child, boy or girl.
23
20%
Yes, there are circumstances where it is OK.
94
80%
 
Total votes : 117

Spare the rod and spoil the child

Postby tamarind » Mon Dec 01, 2008 6:11 pm

How many parents here believe in "spare the rod and spoil the child" ?

I am just wondering. I never cane or beat my kids.

I think that kids should not be spanked, no matter how mischievous they are.

My SIL's 23 month old boy is super active, and the worst is he likes to bite, scratch and pinch other kids. I saw him last week during my FIL's birthday celebration. I did not ask his mommy whether she spanked him or not. I do not think that he should be spanked. She should however, explore various methods to discipline him.

tamarind
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Postby EN » Mon Dec 01, 2008 7:27 pm

Hi again Tamarind :)

I don't believe in caning a child but I do beat their bottom or hand when they are out of line (rude) using my own hand. It is not very hard either cause they dont cry. It's very very rare but it do happen. It is done in private and never in public.

However, most of the time, I adopt the tone or look to warn my kids that their behaviour is unacceptable. Serious offends means sit down, talk & review session. I was brought up that way. I'm more scared of the change in expression in my father rather than my mum feeble spanking which feels more like patting. :roll:

A friend of mine has a very naughty kid. She told me her kid was beaten with cane. The thing is, when she was at my place, her kid was playing at the staircase. Instead of walking up using the normal steps, her kid was walking at the side of the staircase, holding tightly on the balustrade, in danger of breaking her neck in my house. What did the mother who believe in caning her child did? Nothing. A

Growing up, another naughty friend kept on skipping classes. Her body was mark with the cane beating. Does she get better after a lot of beating (it's quite often that I see her cane marks)? I chance upon her a few years back. She is a single mother at 32 with a 16 year old daughter, working in a factory.

So no to cane but yes to spank if after repeated warning, serious talks they are still defiant & rude.

EN
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Postby csc » Mon Dec 01, 2008 7:58 pm

Sharing with all a poem written by Craig Smith

"
Junior bit the meter man and then he hit the cook;

Junior's anti-social now, according to the book,

Junior smashed the clock and lamp and then he hacked the tree,

Destructive trends are treated in chapters two and three.


Junior threw his milk at mum and then he screamed for more;

Notes on self--assertiveness are found in chapter four.

Junior tossed his shoes and socks out into the rain;

Negation this, and chapter six says disregard the strain.


Junior set dad's shirt on fire and upset Grandpa's plate;

That's to gain attention as explained in chapter eight.

But Grandpa takes a wooden spoon , pulls junior 'cross his knee,

(He's read nothing but the Bible since 1933!)
[/i]

What did Grandpa read in the Bible?

Spank with a Rod
"Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him." Proverbs 22:15

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked." Jeremiah 17:9

"He who spares his rod hates his son." Proverbs 13:2

Discipline your son in your early years while there is hope. If you don't you will ruin his life." Proverbs 19:18 TLB

Of course, DISCIPLINE must be done with consistency, in private, must hurt, without anger, instantly and with love.
Children are disciplined on breaking the 4 Ds - Disobedience, Disrespect, Dishonesty and Destructiveness and not for childish mistakes and accidents.

It is tough...I know.. we can only do it correctly by God's grace.

csc
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Postby tamarind » Tue Dec 02, 2008 9:52 am

EN wrote:However, most of the time, I adopt the tone or look to warn my kids that their behaviour is unacceptable. Serious offends means sit down, talk & review session. I was brought up that way. I'm more scared of the change in expression in my father rather than my mum feeble spanking which feels more like patting. :roll:


I do the same thing with my kids. However, talking may not work immediately, especially when the kids are very young, like about 18 months to 2 years old. Here's what I do when kids were around that age :

1. When she insisted on touching something she was not allowed to touch, I removed that object. If the object cannot be removed, I remove her from the place. There was a period when she liked to lie down on the floor of the shopping mall and pretended to swim. I stopped bringing her out for a very long time. I also ensured that my house is completely childsafe, anything she cannot touch, I put it high up.

2. Removal of privileges. During that age, my kids seldom have the chance to eat sweets, ice cream, chocolates, etc. So I only have to say "if you keep doing this, I am never going to buy ice cream for you". For kids, 6 months will seem like forever.

3. Teach the kids the concept of time. For example, when both of my kids were fighting to play with a toy at the same time, I told them to look at the clock. I said "Jie Jie can play until the long hand touches the number 6. Then you can play until the long hand touches 7." Both then happily follow the "timetable".

4. Set the boundaries. Instead of saying "no, no, no" all the time, tell the kids what they can do, and their limits. For example, when I brought them to the supermarket, instead of telling them they cannot touch anything, I said it is OK to touch, but they cannot take anything out of the shelf.

5. Set a good example. I do not want my kids to beat other kids in school. So I do not beat them at home. A child who is constantly beaten by his parents, will think that there is nothing wrong to beat other kids.

6. Show what is good behaviour. My kids never get anything by crying or throwing tantrums. I will wait until they stop crying. Then tell them to smile and ask for the item nicely. When one of them hit the other one, I make sure that the offending child say sorry to the other one. Then make them hug and kiss.

7. Reward good behaviour. I always tell my girl that I will reward her if she is nice to her younger brother, and if she takes care of him.

8. Timed out method, or the naughty corner. Whenever my boy misbehaves, we make him sit in a corner, where he is not allowed to talk to anyone, and not allowed to do anything else. At first he screamed and cried and tried to move away, we just put him back there. After 2 or 3 times, he knew there is nothing he can do, so he just sit there quietly and think.


The above methods do not have immediate effect. Parents need to be very patient, and use the above methods over 2 or 3 years. But the effects will be long term.

Spanking has an immediate effect, that is why parents like to use it as an easy way out. But spanking only has a short term effect on correcting the child's behaviour, after a while, the child may do the same thing again.

Finally, remember that our kids are our most precious darlings. We should always try other methods of discipline first, instead of thinking that there is no choice but to hurt them physcially. There is always a choice.

tamarind
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Postby sashimi » Wed Dec 03, 2008 6:03 pm

I don't believe in caning young kids, but I see many teenagers and ADULTS who ought be caned.... :evil:

Ok, "jokes" aside, I think that caning should be applied IF ALL other methods to discipline the child have been exhausted. I think that no two kids are alike, and different ones respond to different forms of incentive and punishment. Caning should be absolutely last resort, but should not be 100% ruled out.

For the record, I do not cane or hit my daughter. She responds well to reasoning, reverse psychology and other forms of non-physical punishment.

One of the most vivid memories of my grandmother I have is when she caned me. I don't begrudge her for it, and I think I turned out fine.

On the other hand, I also vividly remember my mother knocking my head very painfully when I didn't do my English homework properly. To date, I still feel that she should not have done that. Nevertheless, here I am today, a literature graduate! LOL.


I recognize, basically, that some kids are really really in need of severe disciplinary punishment. If they aren't turned better when young, they may grow up worse, and end up facing MUCH worse forms of punishment, the types reserved for adults.

One last point - if a parent practises caning, he/she must bear the consequences (good or bad).

sashimi
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Postby tamarind » Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:04 pm

sashimi wrote:I don't believe in caning young kids, but I see many teenagers and ADULTS who ought be caned.... :evil:



Those people probably have parents who do not discipline them at all. Or they may have parents who only caned them, but don't bother to teach them properly.

I agree with you that if all other methods of discipline are exhausted, then perhaps the parent should try caning. But I doubt that even caning will have any effect on such a child. Perhaps the child should learn the lesson the hard way, by facing the consequences himself.

tamarind
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Postby EN » Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:47 pm

sashimi wrote
I also vividly remember my mother knocking my head very painfully when I didn't do my English homework properly.


My ds has a serious talk with me a month back. He is unhappy that I scolded his sister when she is not able to grasp what I'm trying to teach. In his own words "She is learning. She wants you to teach & it is not fair to get scolding just because she dont understand".

I'm a working mum who sometimes can be hard press for time or simply very tired. I actually told my kids to gently remind me if I scold unnecessarily. It's embarrassing to be talked down by a little child but it does seem to work.


Tamarind wrote
I agree with you that if all other methods of discipline are exhausted, then perhaps the parent should try caning.


I agree too.

Tamarind wrote
Perhaps the child should learn the lesson the hard way, by facing the consequences himself.


That might prove a heart wrenching situation for parents. There are situations that are irreversible or the consequences the child has to face is for life.

EN
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Postby csc » Thu Dec 04, 2008 11:21 am

Spanking and COMMUNICATION need to go hand in hand for effective discipline to take place.

Rich communication prohibits cold, tyrannical discipline and provides an opportunity for the child to be known and learn to know himself.

The finest art of communication is not learning how to express your thoughts.
It is learning how to draw out the thought of others.
The objective of communication is to understand your child.
Parents need to help our children articulate their thoughts and feelings.

That, I believe, is the toughest part of discipline.

Spanking that is initiated by frustration or venting of own anger will not have any long term positive effect or purpose.
Spankings must be issue-oriented and not for general purposes.

Use the correct tool and at the correct place. Never use your hand.

Use tool only for acts and attitudes of rebellion against authority and never as a threat before the offence is committed.

After spanking, tell him how much you love him and it grieves you to spank him.

Consider the frequency of the offense, context of the moment, age of child and the child's over-all characterisation of behaviour before administrating the discipline.

A child’s behaviour reflects his heart. If you want to help your child, you must be concerned with the attitude of heart that drive his behaviour. We can change behaviour without changing the heart. Therefore discipline must address attitudes of the heart. We , as parents, need to learn how to engage our children. I am still in the process of learning.

csc
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Postby tamarind » Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:09 am

EN wrote:Tamarind wrote
Perhaps the child should learn the lesson the hard way, by facing the consequences himself.


That might prove a heart wrenching situation for parents. There are situations that are irreversible or the consequences the child has to face is for life.


EN,
I try to "simulate" the consequences where possible. For example, when I was ironing clothes, and my girl came close, instead of just telling her to go away, I asked her to touch the surface of the ironing board, where I had just placed the hot iron. The surface was hot enough to cause pain but not burn her fingers. She felt the heat and ran away.

For children who do not want to study, I guess we can simulate the type of life that they will live in the future. No TV, no toys, no sweets, and cannot afford to go out to anywhere. Remove all furniture from their room, leave only a mattress. Food is only some rice and vegetable. Let them feel hungry for a few months. Let them experience how the poor people live. I feel that this will be more effective than caning.

For those consequences which are not possible to simulate, we can show them photos or videos to teach them the consequences.

tamarind
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Postby tamarind » Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:12 am

csc wrote:Spanking and COMMUNICATION need to go hand in hand for effective discipline to take place.


I do not agree. There are many children who do not need any spanking at all. As parents, we should always communicate and try other methods I listed in my earlier post first. If the methods work, then spanking is totally unnecessary. Why so keen to hurt your own child ?

tamarind
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