My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby ftwmum » Tue Jul 24, 2012 2:25 pm

Hello parents

This marks my first post in KS forum :)

I am a FTWM and has a son who is turning 5yo soon. My DS has been taken care of by my mother since birth. He currently attends 3hr K1 at a church kindy.

I guess my mother hasn’t been strict enough with my very notti DS and hence she simply cannot control him these days. He is v v disobedient whenever he is with her during the day after school. For eg:- He will run around and not sit still for his meals, refuse to follow her home after playing at the playground, insists on having his way when she brings him to supermarket etc. In general, he just doesnt listen and obey the grandma (at least 80% of the time). I pity and feel sorry towards my elderly mother but at the same time I feel that she is the one who made my son so disobedient towards her (and my father and brother - basically everyone at my mother's house gives in to DS and doesnt really scold him). I am a first time mum and this is my only child. I didnt know that I will face such a problem or else I would have sent DS to full day CC when he is 2 yo. I like his current school very much hence decided to put him there, childcare didnt cross my mind in the past.

My mother calls me during work to complain and report what happened very frequently. It is sooooo stressful :yikes: :imdrowning: . One thing for sure is my DS is much better when he is with us at home because we are strict with him and can control his notti behaviour. We knew from the start that he is one challenging kid - hyper, super mischevous and super curious to name a few....so DH and I have been making a conscious effort to control and discipline him and of course love him unconditionally.
DS acts like a totally different kid at my mother's place or when he is with her. He is sometimes notti in school but we can still work with the teachers to try to discipline him. I am very stressed :shock: :shock: over this and I do not have any other alternative now because there are no vacancies for CC near my area. Quiting work is not an option for me at all sad to say. Any advice/suggestions will be much appreciated. :?: :thankyou:

ftwmum
OrangeBelt
OrangeBelt
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2011 1:57 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby lynnettepoh » Tue Jul 24, 2012 2:39 pm

Usually i try to tekan my kids and physically exhaust them, that way, only when they're dead tired then only will i be able to have some peace. my 4 year old son has some adjustment issues attending the new childcare after we moved. but after a day of quarantine at home with nothing but boredom for company, now he's more well-behaved as he feels that school is interesting.

although try to see if their hyper activity sets in after heavy meal? some kids get "sugar-high" after high carbo meals i.e, macdonalds, or ice creams, and are more difficult to control. that being to case, best to allow them to burn off energy in a safe environment 1st. you'd be less likely to become bald from the hair tearing behavkour.
:frustrated:

lynnettepoh
YellowBelt
YellowBelt
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:42 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby Oppsgal » Tue Jul 24, 2012 3:24 pm

ftwmum wrote:Hello parents

This marks my first post in KS forum :)

I am a FTWM and has a son who is turning 5yo soon. My DS has been taken care of by my mother since birth. He currently attends 3hr K1 at a church kindy.

I guess my mother hasn’t been strict enough with my very notti DS and hence she simply cannot control him these days. He is v v disobedient whenever he is with her during the day after school. For eg:- He will run around and not sit still for his meals, refuse to follow her home after playing at the playground, insists on having his way when she brings him to supermarket etc. In general, he just doesnt listen and obey the grandma (at least 80% of the time). I pity and feel sorry towards my elderly mother but at the same time I feel that she is the one who made my son so disobedient towards her (and my father and brother - basically everyone at my mother's house gives in to DS and doesnt really scold him). I am a first time mum and this is my only child. I didnt know that I will face such a problem or else I would have sent DS to full day CC when he is 2 yo. I like his current school very much hence decided to put him there, childcare didnt cross my mind in the past.

My mother calls me during work to complain and report what happened very frequently. It is sooooo stressful :yikes: :imdrowning: . One thing for sure is my DS is much better when he is with us at home because we are strict with him and can control his notti behaviour. We knew from the start that he is one challenging kid - hyper, super mischevous and super curious to name a few....so DH and I have been making a conscious effort to control and discipline him and of course love him unconditionally.
DS acts like a totally different kid at my mother's place or when he is with her. He is sometimes notti in school but we can still work with the teachers to try to discipline him. I am very stressed :shock: :shock: over this and I do not have any other alternative now because there are no vacancies for CC near my area. Quiting work is not an option for me at all sad to say. Any advice/suggestions will be much appreciated. :?: :thankyou:


Give a reward chart to grandmother and a few stickers. Good behavior get a sticker?

Oppsgal
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 1776
Joined: Fri May 01, 2009 4:24 pm
Total Likes: 1


Re: My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby fable » Tue Jul 24, 2012 3:56 pm

If it makes you feel better, I am the primary caregiver for my son, and he spends 6 - 7 hours with them each week. And even then, he behaves fine when he's home, but was a spoilt brat when he was with them. Now that he's 7, he's better there (I think), but is definitely better behaved at home. So there is hope yet!

I think its a question of how bad this behaviour is, and what kind of values he is learning. All things being equal, I think its much better to be with your mom than an outsider - there's something special about building a relationship between grandparent and grandchild. But if the daily frustrations are spoiling this relationship so that your mum doesn't enjoy being with your son anymore, or if you feel that your mom isn't able to teach and discipline him the way you are comfortable with, then you might want to consider sending him to a good childcare instead.

If your mother is willing to listen and learn, perhaps you could borrow some parenting books to share with her, or figure out a system that she is comfortable with implementing that she can use to discipline him?

fable
GreenBelt
GreenBelt
 
Posts: 157
Joined: Wed Apr 01, 2009 9:28 am
Total Likes: 6


Re: My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby ftwmum » Tue Jul 24, 2012 5:10 pm

fable wrote:If it makes you feel better, I am the primary caregiver for my son, and he spends 6 - 7 hours with them each week. And even then, he behaves fine when he's home, but was a spoilt brat when he was with them. Now that he's 7, he's better there (I think), but is definitely better behaved at home. So there is hope yet!

I think its a question of how bad this behaviour is, and what kind of values he is learning. All things being equal, I think its much better to be with your mom than an outsider - there's something special about building a relationship between grandparent and grandchild. But if the daily frustrations are spoiling this relationship so that your mum doesn't enjoy being with your son anymore, or if you feel that your mom isn't able to teach and discipline him the way you are comfortable with, then you might want to consider sending him to a good childcare instead.

If your mother is willing to listen and learn, perhaps you could borrow some parenting books to share with her, or figure out a system that she is comfortable with implementing that she can use to discipline him?


Hi Fable

Thx for your reply. It certainly gives me some kind of hope. I pray for my boy to be more obedient everyday...haizzz

I have to go with CC ultimately because my poor mother is raising the white flag more and more recently :cry: The daily frustrations are getting to her.
I cannot "educate" her on how to handle my boy because she is the sort who is very old fashioned and won't take your words seriously type...
My DH kept saying her way of handling my boy will come back and "haunt" her some day! :sad:

Hope and pray :pray: :pray: :pray: that when the day comes for my DS to go full day CC, everything will settle down nicely and DS will get good teachers who can handle his notti-ness. can only pray hard~ :pray: :xedfingers: :xedfingers:

ftwmum
OrangeBelt
OrangeBelt
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2011 1:57 pm
Total Likes: 0



Re: My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby ftwmum » Tue Jul 24, 2012 5:15 pm

Thank you Lynette and Oppsgal on your suggestions as well... :please:
My DS is one tough nut to crack :shrug:
Haizzz

ftwmum
OrangeBelt
OrangeBelt
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2011 1:57 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby slmkhoo » Tue Jul 24, 2012 7:48 pm

I don't think your son is any tougher to handle than any other 5yo, it's just that your mother has not managed well. I think the faster you get him into a more disciplined environment the better as such bad habits take longer to correct the longer they persist. I have been a SAHM since my first was born, and watching how my mum handles my brother's kids, I'm glad she didn't look after mine full-time as she gives in to the grandkids most of the time. She criticises me for being strict, yet complains that my brother's kids are naughtier than mine were. All is not lost as I have seen pampered kids grow up to be OK later on, but there is usually a fairly painful transition period at some point, so the earlier the better.

slmkhoo
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 8071
Joined: Wed Sep 15, 2010 2:16 pm
Total Likes: 173


Re: My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby straffan23 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 9:56 am

I don't think your son is anymore difficult of naughty either. Look at it this way - his EQ is very high - knows when to rock the boat, and when to behave well and when he could "get away with murder".

If it's any consolation, my children, 5 and 2 behaves the same way whenever my MIL is present - which is a lot because she comes over three times a day! My house is turned upside down and every imaginable (and unimaginable!!) item becomes a toy and you literally need to pave your way through the living room. I used to shout at my children but then I decided that I should not be the bad guy - my MIL help to toss the house up, my DH gets to clean up after them. :rotflmao: I go to my room to read!

I am counting down to the day that my #2 will be able to attend N1. This would teach him some discipline, and minimise time with my MIL. As for your case, perhaps you want to consider a reward/punishment scheme? You could also explain to him that if he doesn't behave well, he can't go there anymore. Also, your mom would need to be more assertive - but I caution that assertive and threatening are two different approach so you need to pay extra attention. It is important that in the process, your DS feels secured and loved.

straffan23
BlueBelt
BlueBelt
 
Posts: 445
Joined: Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:47 pm
Total Likes: 6


Re: My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby ftwmum » Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:20 pm

Thank you slmkhoo and straffan23.

I think you can see where I am coming from. Simply cannot stand it :frustrated: when my mother complains to me about those kaypoh ah sohs downstairs who will tsk tsk tsk :slapshead: when they see my DS misbehave with her. Alot of them will "pity" her because her beloved grandson "ill-treated" her etc etc ..Haizzz... :stupid:

If my son is really that bad, he would have "ill-treated" us, the parents as well right?

Straffan23: thanks for putting it so positively :wink:
My boy was qt "guai" after ganna-ing the cane :nunchuk: from his daddy. He started saying all the "correct" things like i will behave myself ...will be more obedient etc etc... :slapshead:
his "acting" can be qt good la esp after one jialat punishment from us...hmmm...if only he remembers his own words and promises!! :pray:

Today is another day. Will get another "report" when I pick up DS after work. :xedfingers: :lightrod:
Thanks all for your kind listening ears :please:

ftwmum
OrangeBelt
OrangeBelt
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2011 1:57 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: My mother can't control/handle my notti 5yo

Postby Ran1977 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 4:34 pm

Dear ftwmum,
I sympathise with you - last year I was in your same boat. Only difference was that my son was looked after my grandmother and maid. My gramdma was 80 and so being old, they become like children; throwin tantrums when angry, scolding and complaining, beating instead of disciplining correctly. Just to let you know that my son was agressive, hitting, picking up the same "qualities"...

Grandma would complain about my son non-stop. At work, she would call me countless times complaining (my son used to go to a church kindy and come back about 12 and so from 12-7..there would be just the 3 of them at home.

One day I couldn't stand it anymore, I decided to enrol my son in a MMI childcare. So after kindy, he goes to the childcare (the bus drops him and the nice people at the childcare pick him up from downstairs)...that made a world of a difference..he loves his childcare that he cries wanting to remain there even when I pick him up at 6.15 (as the childcare closes at 7pm)...

truly this is one of the best decision I made for my son..sure there was a tussle cos while grandma was complaining that my son was naughty and she can't take care of him, she also made so much noise that why am i putting him in a childcare when she is there (i think was *saving face* from neighbours), how will he nap in the afternoon, how he will eat etc etc.

Well August will be 1 year and I think this is the best arrangement for my son (more importantly my son loves it...i asked him to stop the kindy and just go childcare and he said NOOOOOO!!). Also I think he is picking up more more than he would be than if he were just to go to a kindy and then go grandma house..Sure, its expensive cos I am paying for both but there is a childcare subsidy...

I think you should put him in full day childcare. This will be the best. Best too if you can find an MMI.

Ran1977
BlueBelt
BlueBelt
 
Posts: 413
Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:28 pm
Total Likes: 1


Next

Return to Working With Your Child