What to do: Fighting in School

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

What to do: Fighting in School

Postby frusparents » Tue Jan 29, 2013 3:43 pm

Hi

Any parents have experience of their DS fighting in school?
What do you do if your DS fights in school?
What punishment(s) will you mete out to him?

How about the following:

1. No allowance for X period of time
2. No playing during recess for X period of time (how to monitor, can teacher help?)
3. No games/hp till improve in behavior (e.g. see more self-restrain, self-control)
4. Grounded for X period of time
5. Cane/Scold/Kneel etc
6. School Counselling

Any or combination of the above?
Any other suggestions?

DS was caught scruffling/fighting with friend during recess/playing. Not usually violent type so dunno wat was the trigger point till talked to him later.

frusparents
OrangeBelt
OrangeBelt
 
Posts: 38
Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:49 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: What to do: Fighting in School

Postby Jennifer » Tue Jan 29, 2013 4:25 pm

frusparents wrote:Not usually violent type so dunno wat was the trigger point till talked to him later.


Find out the reason first.

Then think about the circumstances leading to the fight.

Then think about punishments, if required.

When my younger boy was in P3, he was involved in a few fights. Some "playful" classmates triggered the self-defence mode in him. Unfortunately, the FT and the other teacher were lousy in class mgt which resulted in the "playful" behaviour of some pupils.

Jennifer
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 23241
Joined: Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:10 pm
Total Likes: 106


Re: What to do: Fighting in School

Postby hercules » Tue Jan 29, 2013 8:09 pm

frusparents wrote:Hi

Any parents have experience of their DS fighting in school?
What do you do if your DS fights in school?
What punishment(s) will you mete out to him?

How about the following:

1. No allowance for X period of time
2. No playing during recess for X period of time (how to monitor, can teacher help?)
3. No games/hp till improve in behavior (e.g. see more self-restrain, self-control)
4. Grounded for X period of time
5. Cane/Scold/Kneel etc
6. School Counselling

Any or combination of the above?
Any other suggestions?

DS was caught scruffling/fighting with friend during recess/playing. Not usually violent type so dunno wat was the trigger point till talked to him later.


How old is your child? If you mention 'grounding', should be sec school level?

Fighting is quite 'normal' for sec school boys.

Dont think kneeling is appropriate.

Talk to him and ask him what punishment he thinks he deserve and accept his 'proposal' (if he proposes, you 'negotiate' if he is 'mild'. If he proposes a hard one, you accept and he is likely to follow).

Lastly to share. My 22 years old nephew shared that during his sec school years, he fought before. But he 'smarter' lah, never got caught and so no one knows. So he is more 'accommodating' if my sons go into troubles and will tell me dont get so uptight, it's 'normal' and they will outgrow it. Nephew now in NUS, still a happy lucky boy.

hercules
BlueBelt
BlueBelt
 
Posts: 301
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2009 10:38 am
Total Likes: 37


Re: What to do: Fighting in School

Postby ammonite » Wed Jan 30, 2013 7:55 am

frusparents wrote:Hi

Any parents have experience of their DS fighting in school?

DS was caught scruffling/fighting with friend during recess/playing. Not usually violent type so dunno wat was the trigger point till talked to him later.


My son is always scuffling/fighting at the playground with his friends. It is usually friendly, but sometimes it gets out of hand. It is pretty common, but all the boys are totally ok with that leh. There can be as many as fifteen boys sometimes from 7-13 in age and the play can get pretty physical. There will be occasional quarrels and fights but that is part of growing up and learning how to resolve conflicts right?

In your shoes, I will first ascertain the facts, esp if it is not typical for your son - what happened, what time, did anyone get hurt or cry, anyone intervene, adult involvement etc.

After determining the trigger point, i will discuss how it could have been avoided, or if it was a storm n the teacup, or is there a point when he should just say "stop, this is getting out of hand", or just walk away if he is getting fed up. I will also consider the age of the children involved. Older kids should show more tolerance. Sometimes, the timing is a factor too. One particular child could be feeling cranky and unwell, or things are not going well, and especially volatile that day. In this case, our children can be taught to be more sensitive and tolerant while still drawing a clear line.

Finally moving forward. Still friends? No longer friends? Need to make up? How to make up ? Shake hands and pronounce truce? Stay away from the child in future?

Very often I find that alliances will shift and change, and once enemies can become friends again. A grandmother told me before that we adults take the children's fights more seriously than the kids themselves, and adults remember it longer than the kids.

I will take more drastic action eg talking to the teacher, only if the problem is recurring and affecting school life.

(if I know it was a bad day in school and I need to find out what happened, it is much easier to get information out of ds1 by sitting him down for a serious talk with a plate of cookies or jellies. After he has cooled down and is well fed, he will think more constructively about how to address the situation the next day.)

ammonite
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 2223
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 8:13 am
Total Likes: 64


Re: What to do: Fighting in School

Postby frusparents » Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:26 am

Hi All

Thanks for all the sharing and advices.
Yep, after talking to him last night (for info, he's only 9), the facts were:

DS thought the other boy (FT, so not sure if could be 1-2 years older) verbally abused him. Scuffled and ended up DS was on the floor with the other boy on top of him. DS received a few pummels and in self-defence, grazed the other boy. Some seniors pulled them apart. No teachers were there.

Were only caught after teacher saw the scratches and questioned them.
But seemed like FT only heard the other boy's story and thought DS was the violent one.

Brought DS to doc to ascertain no broken bones/internal injuries etc.
Also wrote emails to FT/Discipline Mistress to recount the incident.
Anything else I should do? Thinking back, I did not ask the FT to tell the other parents the "true" story, do you think she would do so?

Already "counselled" DS and given moderate punishments, nothing physical, he's already traumatised enough.

Should I move on or ensure the teachers/the other boy parents review the incident. If the boy is indeed older, he could have seriously hurt DS.

frusparents
OrangeBelt
OrangeBelt
 
Posts: 38
Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:49 pm
Total Likes: 0



Re: What to do: Fighting in School

Postby ammonite » Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:44 am

I will find out what exactly the FT said. It could have been a case of misunderstanding or using the wrong words unknowingly. It happened between my son and his FT teacher last year and both of them were SO angry with each other. It also happened a few times between my korean neighbour and some of the neighbourhood boys. They accused him of lying and he was so angry that they were forcefully taking his things away - he meant to lend, not give.

I will also find out if the other child was in scuffles with others, or this was also the first time. This is just to get a sense of what the situation was, and if you are dealing with a one-off, or something more problematic. If one-off, forget it. If it is more problematic, tell your son to stick with his friends and avoid the other child. If they are in the same group, consider telling the teacher to change his group if it becomes a problem in the longer run. (but they may also become friends in the future, so just kiv first).

ammonite
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 2223
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 8:13 am
Total Likes: 64


Re: What to do: Fighting in School

Postby slmkhoo » Wed Jan 30, 2013 2:45 pm

I believe that, in general, the one who throws the first punch is considered more in the wrong, no matter how bad the aggravation was. Perhaps you should advise your son how to react when verbally abused etc and find alternatives to reacting physically.

slmkhoo
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 8072
Joined: Wed Sep 15, 2010 2:16 pm
Total Likes: 173


Re: What to do: Fighting in School

Postby Rational_Parent » Wed Jan 30, 2013 5:38 pm

I think this is only me....

Boys fighting, to me, is a process of growing up. This is where a boy learn how and when to draw a line between right and wrong, learn not to cross certain boundaries, learn that aggression benefits no one, learn to stand up to bully and protect oneself, and learn to defend the weak if necessary.

But too much fighting means a boy has a character flaw, may be anti-social, may have a superiority complex and so on. Conversely, if a boy does not get into fights at all could mean that he's anti-social, has inferiority complex and so on.

Bottom line fighting to me is not all that wrong if within reasons (e.g. was constantly provoked, had to stand up to a bully) particularly when playing with others. It also gives me opportunities to educate the child and find out traits I might not know if DS doesn't gets into a fight. I rather my DS fight and learn when young than when they have a mind of their own. I'll be more worried if a boy has never once fought during his childhood.

As for punishment, it's still the 'Carrot and the Stick' method for me. Deny the child what they love to do most for a period is my preferred punishment. For example, one of my children love to play computer games and chat with other gamers. Depending on the reason for a fight, teachers input and frequency of occurrences, the duration of the computer ban is imposed accordingly. I'll be lenient if my boy fight in defence of himself or others, and will teach him other ways to deal it given the same situation.

Surely we all fought before and learn something when we were kids, don't we?

Rational_Parent
GreenBelt
GreenBelt
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2012 6:51 pm
Total Likes: 6


Re: What to do: Fighting in School

Postby kwcllf » Wed Jan 30, 2013 5:51 pm

When my DS was in P1, some of his classmates were really naughty. Once, a few of them carried him and then threw him on the floor. On another occasion, they took his wallet and flung it away until his coins were scattered all over.

So fed up, I went to see V Principal. He hauled up everyone and gave them a stern warning. After that, all the nonsense stopped.

kwcllf
BlackBelt
BlackBelt
 
Posts: 942
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:21 pm
Total Likes: 10


Re: What to do: Fighting in School

Postby Nebbermind » Wed Jan 30, 2013 8:25 pm

There's bullying and there's pure impulse fighting. The latter is the lesser of a worry, especially in once off case. Nothing much to worry about. Just catch up with him and check how is his relation with the other boy...sometimes they end up being best of friends...donch ask me why/how! :wink:

Nebbermind
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 14663
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:40 am
Total Likes: 148


Next

Return to Working With Your Child