How to correct misbehaviour?

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How to correct misbehaviour?

Postby winth » Fri Aug 21, 2009 10:26 am

Hi parents,

Need help here.

What would you do given the following situation:
DS1 & DS2 were taking down the sofa (detachable) and playing on the floor.
Daddy comes out from bedroom.
Daddy tells DS1&2 not to play on the sofa.
DS2 happens to get distracted by something else and walks away.
DS1 continued playing on the sofa and this time, jumped on it (like a trampoline).
Daddy hits DS1 on his leg and DS1 feels hurt, Daddy tells DS1 not to do it and keep the sofa immediately.
DS2 is still distracted by some other thing and 'escapes' this scolding.
He was angry with Daddy until we reachd carpark.
Mummy here tried to intervene and told him that he was wrong to jump on sofa. But DS1 is still angry. Of cos Daddy was still trying to cool off so there was no conversation between them whilst in the car.

DS1 (just turned 6) has gotten into a phase where he can bear grudges and remain angry if not told/corrected. I tried to ask why he felt sad/angry and he told me that DS2 was not scolded by Daddy like he was (reason 1 from DS1). When Daddy talked to him and said that DS1 should stop when Daddy asked him to stop, DS1 replied and said that 'the other night, I asked you to stop eating my snacks, but you didn't stop too.' (reason 2 from DS1)

The episode ended after Daddy explained to DS1 that snacking and not following Daddy's instructions are 2 very different things. Explain... reason... more logic... hug and kiss and off they went for school. But DS1 is still upset.

We wonder if more experienced parents here could suggest how we ought to correct this misbehaviour. It's getting very difficult to reason with him nowadays for he gives highly logical explanation for his actions.

winth
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Postby 3greatkids » Fri Aug 21, 2009 11:47 am

Hi winth,

It seems like there are a couple of things in issue here.

First, sibling rivalry/jealousy. DS1 mus have felt that it was really unfair to have gotten beaten when he was not the only one playing. In this instance, it was not communicated clearly that he was beaten coz he was STILL playing with the sofa. In his own little mind, he prob felt that it was because he WAS playing on the sofa, as was DS2, so DS2 should have gotten a beating as well.

Secondly, punishment was also not mete out correctly in DS1's opinion as DS2 participated in detaching the sofa but only DS1 was asked to keep. I meet with alot of such grouses from DD1 as well coz she always say things like, we play together but only I keep the toys. What I usually do is ask DS2 to come out and keep the toys together and try and make it a competition or fun activity for them and will help them keep as well so that they do not feel alone. However sometimes, DS2 is already asleep then I would try and explain to DD1 that we cannot possibly wake him up to keep the toys and that as the jie jie, she has the responsibility to remind didi to keep the toys together once they finish playing and not wait for me to come back and ask them to do it.

I am the kind of parent who believes in caning or spanking. However, I don't do it often or do it without warning. IMO, kids get distracted very easily and need constant reminder. In this instance, I would have forewarned DS1 that if he choose to continue to play on the sofa and not keep it, then he would be caned/punished. I have a "minute glass" at home and I use that to quantify the time for my children. I would tell them that if the sand finished running, then 1 minute would have passed, so if they are suppose to complete something in 3 minutes, then I would tell them that if I turn the minute glass 3 times and the thing is not done yet, they would be punished. I would usually ask them whether they know how they would be punished too as I feel that by replying, they are showing that they are fully conscious and aware of the consequences of their actions.

So far, this kind of parenting style has worked well with my kids. DD1 has always been an obedient child so it was not difficult to discipline her. DS2 however, is a little bit more cheeky and stubborn but he would still listen whenever the cane appears in front of him. There has been very rare occurences where the cane is waved in front of him and he still does not behave.

One very important thing I always do after punishing my kids is to talk to them. I would ask them whether they had been a good girl/boy and whether they have behaved well. I would also ask them if they know y they were punished and whether they would do it again. Sometimes they will know the action that caused them to be punished but not the reason why. For example:
Mummy(M): do you know why you were punished?
DS2: because i never keep my toys
M: and what happens when you don't keep your toys?
DS2: I get caned
M:yes, but why is it important you keep your toys?
DS2: i don't know :cry:
M: If you don't keep your toys, por por may step on it and fall down. do you want por por to fall down?
DS2: no
M: what happens if por por fall down?
DS2: pain....
M: yes, so are you going to leave your toys on the floor again?
DS2: No...
M: what happens if you do it again?
DS2: mummy will beat :(

This is a conversation that really transpired between me and DS2. haha...
I can understand your hubby's actions as my hubby also adopts this kind of parenting policy, beat first, talk later. Along the years, he have slowly started to adopt my parenting style as well as it makes a better parent-child relationship. Of course, I would like to boast that I have got a natural flair for parenting, hahaha, but I really cannot take credit here. It's really through alot of reading on websites and books that I have adopted this kind of parenting style.

Having said that, I would like to recommend you a book. It's called "Parent Talk" by Chick Moorman. It has got alot of tips and atrategies for saying the right words so that you can communicate effectively with your children. I think I bought it at Popular a couple of years ago. Hope the above helps and happy parenting! :celebrate:

3greatkids
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Postby RRMummy » Fri Aug 21, 2009 12:04 pm

Hi winth,

Similar incident happened at my home too.. but I was the one doing the scolding la..

I told my sulking DD1 that I was angry because the act itself was dangerous. I fear that if she miss her footing, I'm so afraid that she'll knock her tooth off on the coffee table or slam her head on the floor. I asked her how she thinks that would feel if it happened? Normally this will get her thinking and she'll see she 'deserved' it..

I explained that I reacted that way because of my love for her and not wanting accidents like that to happen.

Maybe can use this reasoning with him.. that the snacking was not a dangerous act but jumping on sofa is. and that as mummies and daddies we will not want to see our babies in danger...

As for DD2 escaping, I explained that DD2 stopped and was no longer in 'danger' when I came back. But still I then pulled DD2 and 'scold' her and warn her about the potential danger.. that also kinda made her feel justice was done..

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Postby winth » Fri Aug 21, 2009 1:40 pm

3greatkids wrote:I have a "minute glass" at home and I use that to quantify the time for my children. I would tell them that if the sand finished running, then 1 minute would have passed, so if they are suppose to complete something in 3 minutes, then I would tell them that if I turn the minute glass 3 times and the thing is not done yet, they would be punished. I would usually ask them whether they know how they would be punished too as I feel that by replying, they are showing that they are fully conscious and aware of the consequences of their actions.


I love your 'minute glass' idea!
Thanks.

3greatkids wrote:It's called "Parent Talk" by Chick Moorman.


Thanks for the reference. Author's name is easy to remember. :wink:


RRMummy wrote:Maybe can use this reasoning with him.. that the snacking was not a dangerous act but jumping on sofa is. and that as mummies and daddies we will not want to see our babies in danger...

As for DD2 escaping, I explained that DD2 stopped and was no longer in 'danger' when I came back. But still I then pulled DD2 and 'scold' her and warn her about the potential danger.. that also kinda made her feel justice was done..


Discussed with DH just now and we agreed that he ought to apologise to DS1 for finishing his snacks and he should buy the snacks for him, though DS1 specifically asked him to stop. And DS1 should also apologise to DH for not stopping at DH's orders.

Will talk to DS1 again on the dangers tonight when we fetch him, need to see how he reacts. Thanks! :D

winth
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Postby RRMummy » Fri Aug 21, 2009 1:47 pm

winth wrote:Discussed with DH just now and we agreed that he ought to apologise to DS1 for finishing his snacks and he should buy the snacks for him, though DS1 specifically asked him to stop. And DS1 should also apologise to DH for not stopping at DH's orders.


That is a great plan.

winth wrote:Will talk to DS1 again on the dangers tonight when we fetch him, need to see how he reacts. Thanks! :D


From your previous postings, DS1 sounds like a very sensible kid. I'm sure he'll see where daddy was coming from.. don't worry too much..

Have a nice weekend! :celebrate:

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Postby jedamum » Fri Aug 21, 2009 3:23 pm

winth,
i see no misbehaviour here. :? (or am i a lax mum? :oops: )
kids just need to be reinforced about the rules.
and your ds1 was just feeling sore about not treated 'fairly' and didn't know the full rationale behind the spanking.

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Postby winth » Fri Aug 21, 2009 3:33 pm

jedamum wrote:winth,
i see no misbehaviour here. :? (or am i a lax mum? :oops:)
kids just need to be reinforced about the rules.
and your ds1 was just feeling sore about not treated 'fairly' and didn't know the full rationale behind the spanking.


Really??? That looks like mischief to us. We never fail to correct them, but nowadays it's becoming a challenge, esp on DS1.

What would you do if given this scenario when Daddy (in this case, J-Mummy), comes out and see sofa-jumping boys?

Actually I am exploring with DH if we had been too strict and rigid and might risk nurturing a 'yes-boy' who always agrees, but behind our backs, does something else.

winth
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Postby tankee » Fri Aug 21, 2009 3:40 pm

Likewise. The only misbehaviour to me is the jumping on the sofa. I found nothing wrong with the subsequent behaviours. Perhaps I am lax too ... :oops:

Parenting is no easy to me ....

I strive to be consistant with my parenting and model the way (this is VERY tough :stupid: ). My son would be confused if I'm inconsistant or if I do not do as I preach.

And when he misbehaved, I make it a point to explain to him calmly why the behaviour is not desireable and what is the right behaviour. This is working for me. :D

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Postby winth » Fri Aug 21, 2009 3:48 pm

Hi Tankee,

Your 'self-head-destructive' Calvin is quite scary leh...
I never fail to stop and finish looking at the animation before being able to reply.

tankee wrote:I found nothing wrong with the subsequent behaviours.


You mean the subsequent behaviour of him not talking to daddy in the car?
We weren't angry with him or scolding him for that.

For us, we wanted to know if there a better way to handle him so that we could correct this misbehaviour and at the same time, it will not result in him bearing grudges at us.

winth
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Postby jedamum » Fri Aug 21, 2009 3:49 pm

winth wrote:Actually I am exploring with DH if we had been too strict and rigid and might risk nurturing a 'yes-boy' who always agrees, but behind our backs, does something else.

Yes..i do think we have to be careful. cos they know what behaviour is not acceptable and hence only do what pleases us in front of us.

winth wrote:What would you do if given this scenario when Daddy (in this case, J-Mummy), comes out and see sofa-jumping boys?

my boys usually stop if i caught them doing stuff they are not supposed to. once ds1 stops, ds2 will usually follow suit cos ds2 is at a 'parrot-stage'.
for ds2, he had recently learnt to jump from the upper deck of the double deck bed onto the adjoining king size bed :!: - i'll just have to lock the bedroom door if i can't keep him within eyesight.
...think i am too lax.... :oops:

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