^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby ftwmum » Thu Aug 15, 2013 12:44 am

Hi fellow parents,

My DS will start P1 next year and I'm worried sick :sad:

K2 is a bad time for DS because he constantly gets complaints about his behaviour in school. It's as often as once as week :sad: . I'm now so fearful and paiseh to bump into his teacher when I send him off to school
:scared: :scared:

Complaints incl:
Being rude to teachers
Insists on doing things hiss way
Throws toys and shouts when it's time to keep them
Words that he uses and way that he speaks is beyond his age :?
Unable to get along with classmates
Screams sometimes

We are waiting for KKH to put him under the social skills workgroup.

I do not see any parent facing such problems with their childrenin this forum and hence I'm starting this topic to hopefully get a listening ear and relieve the sadness that I feel deep in my heart. Everyday I ask myself what I have done wrongly as a mother and why everyone else's kid are so problem free and obedient.
Normally other kids will be scared and try to behave themselves after scolding and punishment but not mine. My DS will keep acting up despite all our nagging, reminders and punishments.

We are spending all our non working hours with DS. Counseling and brainwashing him to behave himself and not make the above mistakes but alas.....Because of his problematic behaviour, we have been very firm with him since toddlerhood.

It's truly depressing and heartbreaking to read that my DS cannot control his bad behaviour in school and that he has no friends because he can't get along with others. He has only one friend who is his 10yo cousin but he will boss all over him (he loves his dear cousin to bits and wants to be like him) and also insists on getting his way even with him.

His birthday is next month and I hesitate to celebrate for him in school because I know the other kids dun like him and I think his teachers "mark" him too because he is such a troublemaker. :sad: :sad: :sad: :gloomy: :gloomy: :gloomy:
His teacher really thinks that DS needs "professional help". My heart really shattered upon reading such a comment in his comm book.

I pray everyday that he will improve ASAP if not how is he going to survive Pri school????? :imdrowning:

At home although DS likes to push boundaries and bargain, he is a really sweet boy deep down and is very eager to help with chores. Can be very affectionate and huggy too.

I think I better stop my rant now and try to sleep. Feeling super sad and depressed.

:thankyou: for listening~

ftwmum
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Re: ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby icy_mama » Thu Aug 15, 2013 3:59 am

hi ftwmum, parenting is never easy, heck.... life is tough. :imsorry: your boy's behaviour is giving u so much angst. :hugs:

i'm no expert, but i do believe your child's teacher's suggestion about seeking professional help isn't a bad idea at all. like what u said, your boy's nature isn't bad. behaviour can be taught. it'd be good u get some help before he goes into primary school where the setting is much harder to control than in a kindergarten.

brooding over it and losing sleep over this ain't gonna solve this problem. make that phone call for an appointment.

hope to hear good news from u. in the meantime, hang on. come in and rant anytime. :smile:

take care.

icy_mama
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Re: ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby ftwmum » Thu Aug 15, 2013 12:54 pm

:thankyou: Icymama
:snuggles:
Feeling abit better today.
Praying for my DS everyday.

Jia you to me and DS :smile:

ftwmum
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Re: ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby Han Seo » Thu Aug 15, 2013 1:43 pm

Hi ftwm,

While awaiting professional help, maybe you can try and find out the root cause? Sometimes, there may be many causes:

1. Role model? Is there someone he is imitating? Influence from the mass media?

2. Unmet needs? Is he seeking attention? Yearning for power and some control over his life?

3. Inconsistent disciplinary measures? Between parents? Between home and school? The child may end up confused.

In the mean time, here are some strategies you can try:

1. Give him some control over his life - give him choices (within acceptable limits, of course, that does not endanger life and property) as far as possible. In this way, he feels he has some control over his life and does not seek to regain power in unacceptable ways.

2. Set clear limits. Let him know what is acceptable and what is not, give clear examples. E.g. use your indoor voice (demonstrate) when speaking to another person. Give clear consequences. E.g. if you shout, I will not respond.

3. Give reminders before going to the next activity. Children have difficulty 'transitioning' to another activity. The reminders can be verbal (as in "You have 5 more minutes before bedtime) or visual (timer). Sometimes, a pictorial daily schedule may help.

4. Don't just focus on his bad behaviour. If he does something that is acceptable, let him know how his actions have impacted others. E.g. You cleared away your toys and put them neatly in the box, this makes it easier for you to look for your toys the next time you want to play with them.

5. Use stories to discuss about prosocial behaviour. Discuss what happens to the characters in the story when their behaviour is acceptable/unacceptable. If he were the character in the story, what would he have done? Why? Stories that talk about emotions are also very appropriate. How are the characters feeling in the story? Have you ever felt this way? How did the character in the story handle their feelings? What are the consequences? Why? If you were the character in the story, how would you handle it? Why? What are the consequences of doing A or B? You can role play using puppets.

Titles of stories:
1. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
2. When Sophie Gets Really Angry
3. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
4. It's Mine by Leo Lionni
5. Tidy Titch by Pat Hutchins
6. The Grouchy Lady Bug by Eric Carle

Hope this helps.

Han Seo
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Re: ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby Gifts from Heaven » Thu Aug 15, 2013 10:41 pm

Hi ftwm,

You should get professional help as soon as possible, given that there is only half a year more to P1.
Did KKH give you any diagnosis, like ADHD or ASD or any other special needs?
There are many private practice providing social skills classes. Cost is definitely higher but just look at it, you may only need for "invest" for half a year or until KKH gets back to you.
Frankly, if your child has specific behaviour problems, then you may need individual sessions with the psychologist/therapist to address the specific issues. Group classes may not serve your child's specific needs cos of the general curriculum.

As for the pre-school, have you told the teachers/school that you are seeking help from KKH? If not, plse do so. Better if you could pass them a report from KKH and request for their understanding and patience.
Don't despair 'cos I've been there and done that. You are definitely not alone :wink:

Gifts from Heaven
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Re: ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby ImMeeMee » Fri Aug 16, 2013 9:51 am

ftwmum wrote:
I do not see any parent facing such problems with their childrenin this forum and hence I'm starting this topic to hopefully get a listening ear and relieve the sadness that I feel deep in my heart. Everyday I ask myself what I have done wrongly as a mother and why everyone else's kid are so problem free and obedient.
Normally other kids will be scared and try to behave themselves after scolding and punishment but not mine. My DS will keep acting up despite all our nagging, reminders and punishments.



ftwmum

Good posts from the other parents on what you can do with your child.

Just want to add not to blame yourself for what is happening to your child. Rather, focus your energy on keeping an open mind and finding alternative ways to make things better for your child and yourself.

Its also not true that other kids are problem free and obedient. All parents have their fair share of challenges with their own kids. Its how to overcome these challenges and resolve the problems.

Hang on tight and dont give up. Cheers and all the best. :hugs:

ImMeeMee
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Re: ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby ftwmum » Fri Aug 16, 2013 12:03 pm

hi Han Seo,

Thanks for taking the time to draft me such a long and well thought out reply :please:

1. Role model? Is there someone he is imitating? Influence from the mass media?
Not really, his dad is qt quick tempered when driving thats about it.

2. Unmet needs? Is he seeking attention? Yearning for power and some control over his life?
Not really, he is rather contented and happy at home (only child).

3. Inconsistent disciplinary measures? Between parents? Between home and school? The child may end up confused.
We are doing our darnest best to be consistent knowing his "pattern".
My mother who takes care of him after sch cannot discipline but she will complain to us - as a result we will punish him "on her behalf" when we reach home so that DS wont think that he can get away w murder at my mother's place.


4. Don't just focus on his bad behaviour. If he does something that is acceptable, let him know how his actions have impacted others. E.g. You cleared away your toys and put them neatly in the box, this makes it easier for you to look for your toys the next time you want to play with them.
Im always trying to do positive reinforcements for his good behaviour.
Eg if he shares willingly with other children I will make it a point to praise him very happily! w alot of "Wows" :smile:

5. Use stories to discuss about prosocial behaviour. Discuss what happens to the characters in the story when their behaviour is acceptable/unacceptable. If he were the character in the story, what would he have done? Why? Stories that talk about emotions are also very appropriate. How are the characters feeling in the story? Have you ever felt this way? How did the character in the story handle their feelings? What are the consequences? Why? If you were the character in the story, how would you handle it? Why? What are the consequences of doing A or B? You can role play using puppets.

Titles of stories:
1. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
2. When Sophie Gets Really Angry
3. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
4. It's Mine by Leo Lionni
5. Tidy Titch by Pat Hutchins
6. The Grouchy Lady Bug by Eric Carle

Actually I have no 6! Thanks for the other book recommendations.
Much appreciated!

ftwmum
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Re: ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby ftwmum » Fri Aug 16, 2013 12:11 pm

Also thanks to ImMeeMee and Gifts from Heaven
for your positive feedback.


Gifts from Heaven: He is not diagnosed with any specific behavioural problem,
ie he was not deemed as ADHD or ASD.
I feel that the social skills group is good because it is a small group setting with similar age children w role play. He can " practise" with other children hence making it more "realistic"
If it is just therapist and him, dun think it will work so well? He cannot get alot well w children, esp if there are many of them. He is qt ok w adults.

Im afraid we can afford the time and $$ for private one on one intervention with pte therapist. I cannot afford to not work and take care of him full time.

ImMeeMee: Thank you for your soothing words. Feeling better today because my boy was rather sweet to us at home these few days - he is better with adults somehow ....He will take out the trash everyday for us and help me with laundry and toilet cleaning(?!) at home. hahaha
Will remind myself to be positive and look towards the future.

ftwmum
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Re: ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby TravelMummy » Fri Aug 16, 2013 12:24 pm

My view - don't scold, don't nag. But of course tell him what is the right thing to do. To correct him however, you must focus on winning his heart. Side with him when the world is against him. Believe in your child. When you have won him heart and soul, he will do anything to please you and turn out right. he is still very young and innocent. Do not let feedback on non conformist behaviour get you down. Non conformists are sometimes the smartest kids. Putting him through a litany of psychological tests etc may affect his self confidence and get him down. In my personal experience, these things harm the self esteem more than they can help, and create invisible rifts between parent & child. Win his heart. He will automatically want to please you and behave well. At this age, you can still be the center of his universe.

TravelMummy
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Re: ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Postby ftwmum » Fri Aug 16, 2013 1:19 pm

TravelMummy wrote:My view - don't scold, don't nag. But of course tell him what is the right thing to do. To correct him however, you must focus on winning his heart. Side with him when the world is against him. Believe in your child. When you have won him heart and soul, he will do anything to please you and turn out right. he is still very young and innocent. Do not let feedback on non conformist behaviour get you down. Non conformists are sometimes the smartest kids. Putting him through a litany of psychological tests etc may affect his self confidence and get him down. In my personal experience, these things harm the self esteem more than they can help, and create invisible rifts between parent & child. Win his heart. He will automatically want to please you and behave well. At this age, you can still be the center of his universe.


Hi TravelMummy,

Thank u.

I think you are putting in words what my DH feels. He is the sort who will stand up for his son and side with him. Sometimes I think he is indulging him but you brought up a very important point about supporting your child 100% no matter what. Only when we have won the child's heart then will he do what we want him to do.

I think sometimes Im overly harsh and kept reprimanding DS. Guess I was dissappointed (but trying my darnest not to show...) w all the complaints coming in so regularly.

I think this reminder is very timely for us.

Hugs~ :hugs:

ftwmum
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