Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teens

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Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teens

Postby Sun_2010 » Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:46 pm

How to enforce bedtime deadlines for teens?

DD has repeatedly been busting her bedtime deadlines. From 11:30 the beginning of this year it was extended to 12. But still, this semester I have found doing her work beyond 1am 3 times , and few days till 12:30. Some days she will wind up only after a good dose from me.

A little about her : she is perfectionist, a little lazy to start but pushes herself a lot, she sets her own goals. Most days she is home 7pm +, often every weekends goes out for some stuff or the other projects/ competitions/ talks/ interest groups/ volunteering. She is truly enjoying all the activities and learning . Generally she is quite mature and a responsible girl, achievements means a lot to her, but she can be really stubborn , intellectually difficult to argue with her.

I turn in by 11 + , Most days DH sleeps later around 12, 12:30 , so makes sure DD is bed by then. But not all days we can be awake, some days my DH is travelling. The problem is when I remind her around 11:30 , as i am turning in for the day, she will assure me that she will be done in 15-20 mins but that usually extends to 12+. Some days, when I insist she must get to bed by 11:30, she will plead and beg , she gets a little agitated too. So I resign and give her some leeway like 15 - 20 mins .

Yesterday, she assured DH that she will knock off at 12:15. When i woke up at 1:45 am this morning, because of the storm , I found her sleeping on the computer desk head resting beside the keyboard, her typed assignment open on the screen. :sad:

Since July , 3 times she came home from school around 5pm and slept ( still in her school uniform) straight thru till next day 9-10 am. ( no dinner, no toilet :faint: ) .

I know I should be more firm with her. So any advice on how to handle this is really appreciated.

Sun_2010
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Re: Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teen

Postby 33mama » Wed Oct 09, 2013 10:33 pm

Find the links to topics like balanced lifestyle... What insufficient sleep can cause???
She's a matured girl to analyse thru that

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Re: Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teen

Postby slmkhoo » Thu Oct 10, 2013 7:48 am

Does she waste time earlier? Could she save some time by being more organised or cutting back on other activities? Could she do more work in school in pockets of free time? Maybe you can help her plan to do more earlier in the day so she doesn't need to sleep so late?

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Re: Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teen

Postby Sun_2010 » Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:12 am

33mama wrote:Find the links to topics like balanced lifestyle... What insufficient sleep can cause???
She's a matured girl to analyse thru that


Thanks 33mama. I will patiently have to help her thru this .
She knows the impact of lack of sleep not just thru bio - She reads thru mag articles and ted talks. But when it comes to implement - that is where the disconnect happens.

Every times she goes overboard and I lose it :oops: , then we "talk", she understands, and agrees and things are better for a few days till the next crunch time. Which means I have to be on the alert most days. These days I have to wake up 1 am ish every day just to check on her and that takes a toll on me.

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Re: Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teen

Postby Sun_2010 » Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:45 am

Thank you slmkhoo, I have admired your way of bringing up the girls. So your advice is valuable.
slmkhoo wrote:Does she waste time earlier?
I do feel that she does waste some time as soon as she comes home 30-60 mins - surfing CNN, FB . Some times when she is home the whole weekend, she does laze away for about half a day on books, internet. i must make her work on that.

You have hit a point - she is not time conscious


Could she save some time by being more organised or cutting back on other activities?
I have tried telling her that, you are too stretched .

Could she do more work in school in pockets of free time?
Another area I must ask her to see, although I think she already does. But she needs to do her work very neatly ( to the point of obsession). So for hand written work, it has to be at home. Also she doesnt take her laptop to school all days.

Maybe you can help her plan to do more earlier in the day so she doesn't need to sleep so late?
She is fiercely independent and I have been totally hands off since Sec1. Even in lower pri, school work she handled and hated my interference.
But you are right, she has to get more organised. and realize the time trade off that need to happen. A couple of late submission or substandard ( in her opinion) work will prompt her to be more time conscious .



Since lot of group work, assignment discussions are done on FB, it is hard not be online. She uses the comp in the living room , so we can see what she is up to , some around in teh living room atleast upto 11pm.

I didnt want to be heavy handed as she is a stubborn child and I dont want us to be on opposite sides . But its obvious she needs some controls and I have to lay down rules firmly.

I am planning to put in parental control to log off her account at 12:00 pm. So no matter what , she has to be done by that time or too bad , just do late submission. Doing her best , and doing very well matters a lot to her. All these count in her year end grades. Or they are competitions which means there is a win-lose situation.
Do you think if I impose a rigid deadline like that is ok? But would it harm her zeal to do her best? Or her self worth?

Sun_2010
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Re: Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teen

Postby insider » Thu Oct 10, 2013 1:00 pm

Sun_2010 wrote:Do you think if I impose a rigid deadline like that is ok? But would it harm her zeal to do her best? Or her self worth?



Sun ah,

Being independent and diligent, your daughter is a gem to have. (I assume she is about 14 years old?)

If I were you, I would just be hand off in trying to manage her sleeping hours as long as she has no other ill habits (like going out late with undesirable companies, smoking, clubbing, etc).

Trust her, she will self regulate and be 'balanced' eventually...(coz she's not stupid to begin with)

PS:
Boil her some cooling stuff to drink. Tell her mummy knows you lacking sleep and so need to 去火. That was what I did for my kids after they turned around 15 years old and sleeping hours were no longer in my control (if wanna control might spark unhappiness and I don't like all these in my house. So as long as both were overall fine (as in overall obedient and filial), I washed my hands off this kind of 'management'.)

insider
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Re: Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teen

Postby slmkhoo » Thu Oct 10, 2013 2:09 pm

Sun_2010 wrote:I didnt want to be heavy handed as she is a stubborn child and I dont want us to be on opposite sides . But its obvious she needs some controls and I have to lay down rules firmly.

I am planning to put in parental control to log off her account at 12:00 pm. So no matter what , she has to be done by that time or too bad , just do late submission. Doing her best , and doing very well matters a lot to her. All these count in her year end grades. Or they are competitions which means there is a win-lose situation.
Do you think if I impose a rigid deadline like that is ok? But would it harm her zeal to do her best? Or her self worth?

Does she realise that she needs help? Or does she feel she can manage by herself? If you can convince her that she needs help and that you are trying to help, that might make her more receptive to controls. Also, if you can get her to work out the limits with you rather than making it seem that you are being autocratic about it, that may also make her more willing to accept them. Teens are usually more cooperative if they have played a part in setting the boundaries. You may even want to write out an agreement with her and pin it up somewhere she can see it often.

slmkhoo
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Re: Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teen

Postby GLORYmum » Thu Oct 10, 2013 2:44 pm

insider wrote:Boil her some cooling stuff to drink. Tell her mummy knows you lacking sleep and so need to 去火. That was what I did for my kids after they turned around 15 years old and sleeping hours were no longer in my control (if wanna control might spark unhappiness and I don't like all these in my house. So as long as both were overall fine (as in overall obedient and filial), I washed my hands off this kind of 'management'.)


My dd used to sleep by 9.30pm but now she turns in later and even later nearing midnight during the exam period. I don't want to sound like i am nagging at her causing unpleasant exchanges but i would remind her to try and sleep early for the sake of her complexion :smile: . i would also boil her some cooling stuff and remind her to drink it at night.

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Re: Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teen

Postby clk » Thu Oct 10, 2013 6:21 pm

My DD is 19 this yr, when she was in sec, she had a lot of stay back, reached home already 7-8plus, sometimes even late like 9-10pm. I seldom control her bedtime as I knew she had a lot of homework to do. Try to understand your girl, if she know what is pro and con to sleep late. Maybe you explain to her what your worries, she will know and understand. While my girl in sec 1 n 2, always do homework till 12 or 1 am, she couldn't complete, so no choice and she need to wake up and go sch every morning 5.30am. When she went up to sec 3 n 4 it's get worst, she worked till 3am. I was not happy but she can't complete her works, I can't help her as well. Beginning I thought she might be hang around in facebook, twitter etc... but when she reached sec 4, she automatic offline on all the internet except homework...but she still hang up late night to study or do homework. Since I know she need to work, I need to support her and understand her. I leave to her to make her own decision. Of course once she had chance she will choose stay at home and sleep....And at last she get not bad result in her O level. she choose to go Poly but not JC, so I thought should be better, but too bad things get worst.... when we go sleep, she still doing her homework, when we woke up and go work, she still up haven't complete her work and pack and go school. I was very worry. I though this is my DD problems, maybe she work too slow... Nope...at the end I get to know that whole course of them all up doing their works... so that's life that they have to face. Now my girl in internship....same lo, also similar as that's the course she choose...so now I only support and understand her, I think that will be best way... They will find their own way to adjust resting time and working time. Don't worry.....Just to share a bit more, I can accept her way of doing homework, maybe also because when I need to rush projects, my work also no day and night....that's why I do not want my kids to take similar course as mine. But too bad her course totally different but still similar type of life, I have to accept and support her lo.
Nowadays Singapore's education really not easy like our time, try to understand your DD first, maybe that can help and have a better bond between both of you...all the best!!

clk
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Re: Need advice on how to enforce bedtime deadlines for teen

Postby SAHM_TAN » Thu Oct 10, 2013 7:26 pm

My niece, very nice girl, no worry to her mother. When in upper sec, work till really late. Now JC worse, sometimes very tired reach home, she will grab dinner and sleep first than wake up at 2-3 am to finish her work or revise. We all feel heart pain for her. She's handling it. She also regularly drinks cooling herbal stuff heehee

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