Competitive Kids

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

Competitive Kids

Postby SBKS » Mon Nov 25, 2013 5:31 pm

Hi,

I have a 5yo DD who is very competitive. she always likes to be the first in everything. She competes with her classmates, with us, with her 3yo sister, with grandparents too.

AND, if she lost in either of her "competition", she will cry out loud. and behave like a sore loser.

I explained to her before and also using examples that just happened. I told her she will not always be first in all things she do. And can't always be competing forever. Compete when there is a competition. She can even give me examples on when is a competition and when is not. I also gave her some more examples.

The above explanation had been done when I was with her sitting down and doing nothing or walking to bus stop. It's also done when she just cry after losing and i just abit of a reprimanding tone on her. Because I had to let her know that it is not a good behaviour and she is misbehaving.
Sometimes I got angry that all these things doesnt seem to work and she still behave like a sore loser. Scolded her and prevent her from playing whatever that she just lost. Told her about sportsmanship and be gracious about losing. But that's kinda too profound for her level.

I also tried to let her say "I will not always be the first" before sleeping.

So far nothing works. Is this normal? Or are there other methods that I can try? Or are her age that forgetful?

SBKS
BlackBelt
BlackBelt
 
Posts: 839
Joined: Tue May 24, 2011 5:22 am
Total Likes: 0


Re: Competitive Kids

Postby slmkhoo » Mon Nov 25, 2013 7:23 pm

Just wondering - is she praised a lot for being 'the best'? Grandparents are often culprits, but parents, teachers and aunts can make the problem worse too. Try not praising her for winning, but praise her for other things - being helpful, keeping the rules, being cheerful etc. And don't let her win just because she cries. My younger daughter was a bit of a sore loser in her preschool years too, and how we handled it was never to make a fuss of anyone who won anything, but focus on other aspects as reasons to praise. We also didn't specially make it easy for her to 'win' at home by refusing to give chance - it makes it sound like we were bullies, but kids need to learn their place in the pecking order and that they have a long way to go.

slmkhoo
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 8071
Joined: Wed Sep 15, 2010 2:16 pm
Total Likes: 173


Re: Competitive Kids

Postby SBKS » Tue Nov 26, 2013 9:09 am

i dun tink she is praised for being first. but she really loves to be first for everything. ya i dun let her win.
even when she did, i said she lost....for not having sportsmanship.

told her that if she dun have sportsmanship, no one is going to play with her. its ok to lose as long as you tried your best. if you are wrong or lose, then learn from mistake and try next time.

doesnt seem to go in her ear.

SBKS
BlackBelt
BlackBelt
 
Posts: 839
Joined: Tue May 24, 2011 5:22 am
Total Likes: 0


Re: Competitive Kids

Postby sushi88 » Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:07 am

In that case, leverage on it as a strength and let her learn her weakness in the process and how to deal with it. put her in a competitive sport or game, e.g.. swimming. The coach will take over the training. better if it is team competition type then she sees that she has little control over winning if she does not work as a team.

sushi88
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 2491
Joined: Thu Sep 26, 2013 10:37 am
Total Likes: 163


Re: Competitive Kids

Postby slmkhoo » Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:34 am

SBKS wrote:i dun tink she is praised for being first. but she really loves to be first for everything. ya i dun let her win.
even when she did, i said she lost....for not having sportsmanship.

told her that if she dun have sportsmanship, no one is going to play with her. its ok to lose as long as you tried your best. if you are wrong or lose, then learn from mistake and try next time.

doesnt seem to go in her ear.

Things like this take a long time to learn. For small kids, they are naturally very self-centred, and so this lesson will take many repetitions. It could be that she needs to mature a bit more and learn to consider others more before she can absorb it well. Just keep up the instruction and she will get it one day. My competitive kid didn't really 'get' it until past 5-6yo.

slmkhoo
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 8071
Joined: Wed Sep 15, 2010 2:16 pm
Total Likes: 173



Re: Competitive Kids

Postby jedamum » Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:47 am

My younger boy used to be like this.
At seven year old he is so much better now.
We play a lot of card and board games. Whenever he lost and a sore loser,we stopped the game and start the lecture.the next time before we start the game,he would be reminded of previous episode. If others win,and he looked a bit unhappy,we praise him and get him to congratulate the winner before his tantrum starts.
Not sure if that worked,but now he is ok with not winning.

jedamum
Councillor
Councillor
 
Posts: 8514
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:58 pm
Total Likes: 20


Re: Competitive Kids

Postby jetsetter » Tue Nov 26, 2013 12:27 pm

mine is also very competitive. Lost Scrabble, Monopoly or snakes & ladders to adults, refused to continue the game; just sat there to sulk with arms folded. Demanded to reshuffle cards, re-throw dice, re-draw tiles to get letters he can score. I must engineer my own defeat at each play so as to continue the game. Pathetic mum with a sore loser!

Same for swimming. No one can swim ahead of him. I must perpetually be trailing behind and get splashed by him. :imdrowning:

jetsetter
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 13156
Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:04 pm
Total Likes: 216


Re: Competitive Kids

Postby Funz » Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:01 pm

Correcting a behaviour takes time but as they grow and have the opportunity to mix around with more people, they will learn to adjust their behaviour.

The important thing is adults should stop letting them win. You can play less carefully to give them are chance but should not lose to them on purpose. Before the game tell them this is a game, you win some, you lose some. If they start any tantrums, that will be the end of the game for them. And if they do lose and throw a fit, just stop the game or simply continue on with the rest. Sometimes, ignoring them is the best thing to do. The more you try to talk to them when they are in a midst of a hissy fit, you inadvertently encourage them to continue such behaviour as you are giving them attention when they should be getting none. Talk to them only after everyone is done with the game and when they are done with their sulking.

Funz
Councillor
Councillor
 
Posts: 10817
Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 12:48 pm
Total Likes: 318


Re: Competitive Kids

Postby SBKS » Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:31 pm

sushi88 wrote:In that case, leverage on it as a strength and let her learn her weakness in the process and how to deal with it. put her in a competitive sport or game, e.g.. swimming. The coach will take over the training. better if it is team competition type then she sees that she has little control over winning if she does not work as a team.

put her in a team, when the other team wins, she will cry. :slapshead:

slmkhoo wrote:Things like this take a long time to learn. For small kids, they are naturally very self-centred, and so this lesson will take many repetitions. It could be that she needs to mature a bit more and learn to consider others more before she can absorb it well. Just keep up the instruction and she will get it one day. My competitive kid didn't really 'get' it until past 5-6yo.

oh ok...so takes time...a real long time.

jedamum wrote:My younger boy used to be like this.
At seven year old he is so much better now.
We play a lot of card and board games. Whenever he lost and a sore loser,we stopped the game and start the lecture.the next time before we start the game,he would be reminded of previous episode. If others win,and he looked a bit unhappy,we praise him and get him to congratulate the winner before his tantrum starts.
Not sure if that worked,but now he is ok with not winning.

yes, we stopped playing with her when she throw tantrums after losing. I told her, if you are not prepared to lose, don't play.

jetsetter wrote:mine is also very competitive. Lost Scrabble, Monopoly or snakes & ladders to adults, refused to continue the game; just sat there to sulk with arms folded. Demanded to reshuffle cards, re-throw dice, re-draw tiles to get letters he can score. I must engineer my own defeat at each play so as to continue the game. Pathetic mum with a sore loser!

Same for swimming. No one can swim ahead of him. I must perpetually be trailing behind and get splashed by him. :imdrowning:

your drowning icon very adept

Funz wrote:Correcting a behaviour takes time but as they grow and have the opportunity to mix around with more people, they will learn to adjust their behaviour.

The important thing is adults should stop letting them win. You can play less carefully to give them are chance but should not lose to them on purpose. Before the game tell them this is a game, you win some, you lose some. If they start any tantrums, that will be the end of the game for them. And if they do lose and throw a fit, just stop the game or simply continue on with the rest. Sometimes, ignoring them is the best thing to do. The more you try to talk to them when they are in a midst of a hissy fit, you inadvertently encourage them to continue such behaviour as you are giving them attention when they should be getting none. Talk to them only after everyone is done with the game and when they are done with their sulking.

i scold...still dun listen, i whack liao. :lol: :frustrated:

SBKS
BlackBelt
BlackBelt
 
Posts: 839
Joined: Tue May 24, 2011 5:22 am
Total Likes: 0


Re: Competitive Kids

Postby sushi88 » Tue Nov 26, 2013 4:29 pm

Yes she can cry at first but peer pressure will show her that no one else in the team cries when they lose together...eventually she will learn not to cry....kids learn from kids faster than learn from adults. She gets to understand, she is not losing alone....the team loses together and the team wins together.

sushi88
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 2491
Joined: Thu Sep 26, 2013 10:37 am
Total Likes: 163


Next

Return to Working With Your Child