Going out with friends

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

Going out with friends

Postby heyhoe » Thu Feb 20, 2014 10:10 am

Yesterday, my going 12 years old ds asked when he can go out on his own. I was taken a back and didn't realize that my ds has grown up. I prompted him further and asked if his friends went out on their own to our nearby neighbourhood. (We stayed in a new town with not much "fun" facilities).

He shared that they usually go out and he didn't get to join them. I told him to be careful as it's not good to go out in school uniforms and as a group as it's not right. He shared that they change to home clothes and took mrt and go somewhere further :shock: . I was shocked as his friends are usually very mild manner and seems very well behaved. I wonder if the parents knew about it.

Anyway, my main point is I'm willing to let him have time with friends but not to loiter around. I prefer that he goes out with friends for a purpose, maybe movie or sports but how can I be tactful?

heyhoe
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Re: Going out with friends

Postby 12mum » Thu Feb 20, 2014 12:00 pm

I know my gal's friends so I am comfortable with them going out together. But on the very first solo trip, I already told her not to expect to be able to go out every time she ask. Also family gatherings take priority over hers.

My gal has to SMS me hourly to let me know her whereabouts. Now no need but it has become a habit so she automatically SMS me (no longer hourly lah).

If I don't feel comfortable with the place and hour (especially at nite) I will say no.

My approach is very direct and open so my gal doesn't need to hide details about her friends and where they go etc.

But don't break the rules, or else :nunchuk: .

Loitering in malls etc is something most of us have done. After a show or game, yeah, we like to walk around or sit a place and just chat chat chat.

At 12, going out during school days is a no no. Weekends only go for 3-4hrs ok with me. I send and pick at the same place thus limiting where the child can go.

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Re: Going out with friends

Postby heyhoe » Thu Feb 20, 2014 1:32 pm

Hi 12mum,

Thanks for your feedback.

I could use some of the suggestions. :)

heyhoe
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Re: Going out with friends

Postby slmkhoo » Thu Feb 20, 2014 3:25 pm

My rules for my girls are that they must always ask first, and that I won't always say 'yes'. In general, no going out on schooldays, weekends during term time only rarely, and not too often (to be negotiated!) during school holidays. For now, no going out at night (yours is a boy, so you may want to relax this rule earlier), or only 'safe' activities like church-related outings with people I know. I also won't agree unless they have a more specific reason - to buy something, watch a movie, eat a meal. I need to know who they are with, where they are going, and when they expect to be back home. Any changes, they need to sms me. Any transgressions, and I will ground them for some specified period. I said all this up front and they know I mean it! I don't see why you need to be 'tactful' about it - just tell him that it's for his safety and to safeguard family time and homework time.

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Re: Going out with friends

Postby wiimum » Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:06 pm

I would like to add one more point, going out with friends also involved spending money, may need to clarify and state the limits for each outing. Some kids would splurge because they have bigger allowance or whatever but I think it is important to educate our own children according to our own house rules. Just my humble opinion. :-)

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Re: Going out with friends

Postby slmkhoo » Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:15 pm

wiimum wrote:I would like to add one more point, going out with friends also involved spending money, may need to clarify and state the limits for each outing. Some kids would splurge because they have bigger allowance or whatever but I think it is important to educate our own children according to our own house rules. Just my humble opinion. :-)

Yes, that's true! I also set a limit to my kids' spending when they are out. I tell them there is no shame in asking their friends to choose cheaper alternatives, and if they are not willing, then don't go! Depending on frequency and importance of the outings, I will either give a reasonable sum for meals and activities, or I might give them what I estimate to be about 50% and tell them to top up the rest. I don't give them a blank cheque and tell them that I will reimburse them for all expenses as they will not think as carefully about spending.

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Re: Going out with friends

Postby bb_ mom » Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:27 pm

My DD started to go out to nearby mall when she was 12yo. But we restricted to school holidays and once a week at the most. And it's normally late morning to about 3 or 4pm. I ask her for names of friends going and most times, I've met them. No night outings at all. She's 13 now and we made it clear night outings only if mandatory by school. She also has friends who arranged for overnighters and she asked before to join them. Also not allowed. Again, overnight sessions only if school requires. So far no major problems. But she will make a fuss over it by complaining why her friends can go but she can't.

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Re: Going out with friends

Postby Beatrice_NoQ » Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:41 pm

slmkhoo wrote:My rules for my girls are that they must always ask first, and that I won't always say 'yes'. In general, no going out on schooldays, weekends during term time only rarely, and not too often (to be negotiated!) during school holidays. For now, no going out at night (yours is a boy, so you may want to relax this rule earlier), or only 'safe' activities like church-related outings with people I know. I also won't agree unless they have a more specific reason - to buy something, watch a movie, eat a meal. I need to know who they are with, where they are going, and when they expect to be back home. Any changes, they need to sms me. Any transgressions, and I will ground them for some specified period. I said all this up front and they know I mean it! I don't see why you need to be 'tactful' about it - just tell him that it's for his safety and to safeguard family time and homework time.


Great tips! I'll keep these in mind when my nephew starts asking to go out.. It's really difficult to let go of the apron strings sometimes.

Here's another question: if you do allow your kids to go out, then how much money would you give them?

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Re: Going out with friends

Postby bb_ mom » Thu Feb 20, 2014 6:34 pm

It depends. if lunch, then $10. If lunch & movie, then $20. So far, she has only gone for movie once. She has to use own savings if she wants to buy anything or splurge on food. We normally encourage her to go food court or subway for meals when out with friends.

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Re: Going out with friends

Postby slmkhoo » Thu Feb 20, 2014 7:19 pm

Beatrice_NoQ wrote:Here's another question: if you do allow your kids to go out, then how much money would you give them?

It depends on where they are going, what they are doing, and how much they have spent recently! I encourage them to eat at food courts or get the cheaper fast food meals, so I usually give them $5-$6 for a meal. Occasionally if they want something nicer, I may give more, or let them top up themselves. If it's something like a movie, I might pay half and ask them to top up the rest. Transport I pay because I top up their Ezlink cards.

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