Unsure how to raise future daughter

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Unsure how to raise future daughter

Postby daisyt » Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:50 pm

Saw this article in the AsiaOne, this should be many parent's worries. So giving the children a good home environment with love and care still not enough. Being too friendly, this method might fail too. What else should we parents do ?


Unsure how to raise future daughter
By Veena Bharwani

AS I interviewed Brenda and Sarah, one thought kept flashing: 'How am I going to raise a daughter in the future? It's just too scary.'

Sarah's story may not be the norm. She comes from a broken family, with a father who is in jail and a mother who is struggling to support her and four younger siblings.

But what about Brenda, who comes from a stable home environment? According to her counsellor, she has loving supportive parents, whom she is close to. She is smart, yet made errors of judgement when it came to sex.

So there is no guarantee that if I have a daughter, she will make the right decisions when it comes to men and relationships.

I was lucky. I was the youngest girl in my family and I had an established line of family members - my brother, father and grandfather - 'governing' me and protecting me.

My late grandmother, who perhaps watched too many Hindi movies, spent a lot of time telling me to be sceptical of men, no matter how nice they seem to be.

During my teenage years, I also spent a lot of time with a highly-educated aunt and I badgered her and asked her a lot of questions about men and relationships and, yes, sex.

So I had everything to protect me - a loving and secure home environment, and all the right facts about relationships and sex.

But what about the daughter I hope to have? Yes, I can try and provide the same secure foundation that I grew up with and give her all the information she needs.

But, times have changed and I'm not sure if I would able to impose the same rules that I grew up with on my daughter.

There are also other threats which didn't exist in my time, such as sexual predators on the Internet. Also, given the amount of time that parents nowadays devote to work, I'm not sure if I can guarantee the same attention to my daughter.

The worry list doesn't end there.

As one school counsellor said: 'Some parents become too friendly with their children and their kids tend to take advantage of this and push the boundaries too much.'

Being well-off and giving your child a good allowance can also be detrimental, apparently. Counsellors say that some teenagers with good allowances use the money to check into hotel rooms to have sex.

I can only hope that I can strike a balance between being protective and being accessible.

daisyt
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Postby sashimi » Fri Jan 23, 2009 9:47 am

My stance, with my DD (now 7) is that I keep my expectations within the time. I.e. alcohol, pubbing, boyfriends, even pre-marital sex.

BUT I will raise her to be as responsible a person as possible. Not easy of course.

I.e. I can teach her as much as possible, but ultimately she will make her own choices - and live, be rewarded or be punished by HER OWN actions by herself.

In other words, she has the CHOICE to do whatever she wants; BUT she must choose knowing the consequences. If she chooses NOT to do something because she's aware of the perils, then as a parent, I have succeeded.

Now, this is not easy, but I have made some progress with her.

The reason why I take this position is because I want to respect her as a thinking person; I want her to respect me for respecting her, and I want to know that I have lived and died raising an intelligent child. After her, we didn't name her after a certain deity related to mental ability for nothing!

Having said all that, there are at least a couple of things my wife and I will NEVER EVER allow her to take up. One is smoking.




(insider - long ago I've already made the prediction that many of the youths today will live to regret what they wrote and posted on their blogs. They have NO IDEA how much of all these potentially incriminating "evidence" is being spidered, googled and archived for posterity's papparazi to fry their futures.)

sashimi
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Postby schellen » Fri Jan 23, 2009 11:18 am

sashimi wrote:The reason why I take this position is because I want to respect her as a thinking person; I want her to respect me for respecting her, and I want to know that I have lived and died raising an intelligent child. After her, we didn't name her after a certain deity related to mental ability for nothing!


And also when she has doubts and/or conflicting thoughts, she can see us as a friendly, knowledgeable and (hopefully) non-discriminating source of correct information. I'd rather she do that than turn to peers or media for misleading information, which is what many youths nowadays do.
Last edited by schellen on Fri Jan 23, 2009 11:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby schellen » Fri Jan 23, 2009 11:23 am

insider wrote:My stand for raising kids is you can do whatever you want and things that you do if it's bad shall be limited to only harming yourself and not others (eg, you may drink but it's wrong to drink and drive; you may smoke, but you should not do it when there are non-smokers around, etc).


But then, you see, if they drink and/or smoke, they are also "harming" others by causing others who love them to worry about them. Also, if they smoke and/or drink, they may also "harm" future offspring through their "defective" genes caused by these "intoxicants".

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Raising Helen...

Postby buds » Fri Jan 23, 2009 11:57 pm

Heyya guys,

As scary as it is reading all the posts in this thread, it has been
insightful. Special thanks to insider for NEVER failing to tell her
story in exact detail. Scary but clear... It sure helps to pre-empt
similar happenings (touch wood horrible ones) in my own children,
through everyone's bits and pieces of their child raising experiences.
I do agree tho at the end of it, if they see light at the end of the tunnel
so will we! There will definitely be a matter of consequences for every
thing we do, likewise for our children. Hopefully, through all the
friendly counsel we provide and the millions of question & answer
sessions we had undergone to share as much information possible,
(most reliable source...) bit by bit... age appropriate... situation
appropriate... and lots of ENDLESS PRAYERS...
hopefully, all will turn out fine.

The double life scenario scared me most, cause if one believes in
karma.... it might just come back to haunt, mini-version. Scaaaaary..

buds
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Frighteningly Aware!

Postby buds » Sat Jan 24, 2009 5:45 pm

Heyya insider,

Frighteningly aware, can?
Hehee..

Btw, Happy Chinese New Year to you and your family!
Hope it'll be a blast!

buds
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