What you will do in this situation?

Parental influence on children in the first 12 years of their lives have a permanent effect. Unfortunately, children come with no user manual. Each child is different from the other. Discuss how to handle emotional and educational needs of your child here.

What you will do in this situation?

Postby AnotherKiasu » Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:47 am

Some of you might have gone thru this situation. So, Juz need your opinions/advices.

My son is in P3, 9 years old, in all boys school, v.good in studies(above 95%), very interested in books especially science and pre-historic studies.

His computer time is controlled by me, weekly 2 hours for games. No TV time in school days and Limited TV time in school holidays.

In my home computer, I've created a separate account for him. In Windows Vista, there is an utility called "Parental Control". You can control the computer time, what sites he can visit, what type of games he can play, what programs he can access in the computer, etc. I usually give him 2 hrs on saturdays and later I can view his acitivities in "Parental Control - Activity reports". So far, no problem in this. Violent, sex, exposing games will be blocked. Unnecessary (xxx) websites will be blocked.

My wife shares my account in the home computer. During this school holidays, my wife give some time for my son in our common account. My account is open, no blockings, no control - administrator account. While he played some games, a porn website pop-up came with a warning message in French or German (I dunno what) warning about adult content. That message is very long. My son seems juz pressed "OK" button. And the porn website opened up. It's containing nudity, vulgar sex, etc - surely not age appropriate for him. Later (after 2 days) when I studied the history of browsing, shocked to find the website in history. I asked my son. He told the above happening to me. I am convinced that it's not intentional, but accidental. He told me that he immediately closed the website after seeing "dirty" things. I adviced him appropriately without elaborating much. Why I don't want to elaborate - becos I think it's not appropriate to talk to him about sex at this age. I've told him about the traps in internet. Generally I've discussed with him about the human bad habits - smoking, drinking from scientific point of view. Once I showed him a video, how much tar (a chemical) is produced by burning cigarette and how it affects human lung. But to openly discuss about sex, still I am holding back.

Sorry for the long winding story.

Here are my questions to dads/mums

1. Is what I did in this situation correct?
2. I haven't scolded by son, but adviced him what is right and what is not? Is it a correct approach? I scolded my wife for being so careless, in spite of me explained about the bad part of internet to her. :rant:
3. Though he saw the website for a brief time, I am worried - what type of impact this thing will produce on him? Will it be a shock? more precisely will it be a cultural shock? Will it generate more curiosity to know more about the sex subject?
4. Am I over worried? :?

Thanx for your time. :)

AnotherKiasu
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Re: What you will do in this situation?

Postby ChiefKiasu » Thu Sep 04, 2008 8:32 pm

AnotherKiasu wrote:...Here are my questions to dads/mums

1. Is what I did in this situation correct?
2. I haven't scolded by son, but adviced him what is right and what is not? Is it a correct approach? I scolded my wife for being so careless, in spite of me explained about the bad part of internet to her. :rant:
3. Though he saw the website for a brief time, I am worried - what type of impact this thing will produce on him? Will it be a shock? more precisely will it be a cultural shock? Will it generate more curiosity to know more about the sex subject?
4. Am I over worried? :?

Thanx for your time. :)


Hi AnotherKiasu, thanks for sharing. I'm sure this situation happens to all of us parents at some point in life, and when that happens, we have to fall back to the fundamentals, which is how we have prepared our children to think for themselves. I think your approach is a good one, and the more important thing is not to scold your son for this. That will only create resentment, and curiosity by making the subject taboo and restricted. We all know about how forbidden fruits somehow tastes sweeter.

To supplement your actions, you may want to follow up with a frank discussion of why there is such content on the Internet. It is purely to trap and make money from people who are curious and naive enough to visit them. Embellish it a little by explaining how the sites are traps, and how easy it is for the operators to find out who the visitor is and try to steal their money.

As for the impact of the images on your child, no one except your child will know, and it varies from person to person. If you are worried, then perhaps you can try to explain the concept of sexuality, how it is a natural thing for people to be attracted by the physical appearance of the other sex, which is not a bad thing unless it is used irresponsibly. You can talk about how some people in the poorer countries are actually coerced into doing these bad things, and by going to these sites, we are actually increasing their misery.
Last edited by ChiefKiasu on Thu Jan 01, 2009 10:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby AnotherKiasu » Fri Sep 05, 2008 12:05 am

Hi Chief,

Thanks for your great response.

As you told, this situation happens to all of us at some point, but I got worried, since it happened for my son at this age.

But I know nothing can be undone at this stage. I have faith in my son, who openly discuss many things to me. And I sincerely hope, by channeling his knowledge and energy to more productive and creative things, this memory will slowly fade away.

I am wondering, whether I can talk about sexuality to him in this age and even if I start to discuss, to what extent I can go.

Really dont know. What you may think as the right age to openly discuss about sex, its science and sexuality? If it's a girl child, even at very young age like 4, we can start to tell "good touch" - "bad touch" things.

Anyway, thanks again for your response. :)

AnotherKiasu
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Postby Guest » Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:08 am

It is interesting to read a daddy so concerned about this topic cos I very stereotyped, think only mommies worry abt such things.

In any case, your kid seems like a bright one that can be coached and educated. Personally for me, I prefer to explain things from a science angle to my child since young. We often read about human body and the differences between boys and girls as knowledge and the things one need to know to protect oneself.

Honestly even if you forbid him to see, he will still find out from his more matured peers knowing how the boys of my generation were, some things don't change I suppose.

Actually sex is not a bad thing but pornography is bad. If I were caught in yr situation, I would rather ask more feedback from him then offer my view. I wud probe what and why he deemed dirty and understand how his mind worked before I cud apply effective coaching on him. After that, I would explain to him that God has blessed a beautiful process for 2 persons that love each other to perform together in order to have beautiful kids like him. However, as in all things, people can make something beautiful ugly. The reason why he should not be exposed to such ugly things yet at this age wud be because it was in fact not a necessity to be exposed to it if one could help it. Just like we may know "murders" happen but we may not need to witness one. As parents, it is our duty to protect him from such things when he is not ready to face it however, when he is old enough and somewhat get exposed to it, he will have to face it himself. So in a way let him know the protection is a feature not a deterrant.

As for age, as a guide depending on maturity of kid, I believe 9-11 is a good age to explain about sexuality to them. In any case, they can read abt it so there is very little to hide from kids these days.....educate is more important. JMHO
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Postby tamarind » Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:44 am

"Explain about sexuality" : I am curious about how other parents do this.

I have a young boy(4 years old) and girl(5 years old) at home, age only 1 year apart. So they knew very early the difference between a boy and a girl :D Boy has something extra :D It is very natural to them.

We have already explained to them how a baby is formed. We showed them a photograph of the sperm meeting the egg in microscopic view. We explained how a baby grows in mommy's tummy. My kids know that sperms come from a boy's testicles, and eggs come from a girl's ovaries, and only girl's have a uterus in which a baby can grow.

So my kids already understand the reproductive system. But what they don't know is the process of getting the sperm into the egg :oops: How to go about explaining it ? I think it is difficult even to explain to a 9 year old child.

I think that it is more important to teach our kids the proper moral values. It is very important for us to teach our kids to differentiate what is right and wrong in our society. Once they established the right moral values, then it does not matter what kind of "temptations" they encounter. Such temptations occur not only online, but in real life as well !

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Postby heutistmeintag » Fri Sep 05, 2008 11:01 am

I am myself pretty conservative and really uncomfortable talking about it with my kids. By some stroke of coincidence, I chanced upon an episode of Oprah show with discussion on sex education for children. These were some points that I learnt.

1) One of the gals with very little sex education from her mom had sex 4x since 11 yrs old and at the time of the show, she was 15. SHe had sex beacuse she was pressured by her bfs.

2) Most of the children did not appear to know about STD and how they are transmitted. One of them had sex without protection and possibly did not know the consequences.

3) The doctor stressed that beside explaining the technical and physical process of putting the P into the V (He said use actual words, dont create a mystery around it. I am using P and V here in case some readers are sensitive about it), parents must stress on the emotional aspect of sex. It's not just a physical experience but an emotional one that you should only share with your loved ones and knowing the implication/consequences.

My personal experience with my kids are that
1) they arent interested in porn sites etc until they hit puberty because they will only feel the "sensations" then. Whenever a porn or gambling site pops up on their computer, they will just close the sites without 2nd thoughts.

2) My wife and I had explained to them that these sites are not appropriate and are often embedded with computer virus etc that will mess up their computers. Having a few previous bad experiences when they lose the use of their computers because of virus infections of course helped to drill that awareness into them.

3) Occasionally, I will spot check their browser history and the logs from Vista parental control to make sure that they dont play hanky panky

4) I set a rule that I will remove their computer privileges if they misbehave in their usage. They typically will get ban for 1-2 weeks and with computer surfing/gaming as one of their fav pasttime, this control is really effective. :)

5) They had sex education in P5 and I am happy with that level of info but I think I would want to stress more on the STD and emotional aspects of sex after watching the Oprah show. Between me and my wife, we had agreed that no matter how uncomfortable we are, I would handle the education for my son and she my daughter.

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Postby AnotherKiasu » Fri Sep 05, 2008 11:40 am

Hi ks2me, tamarind and heutistmeintag,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, indeed they are very useful and thoughtful

"It is interesting to read a daddy so concerned about this topic cos I very stereotyped, think only mommies worry abt such things."


If it's a girl, the major part will be played by my wife. Since it's boy, I think it will be more appropriate to daddy. But my wife is also equally concerned.

I think in P3 science, our kids are learning about digestive system, reproductive system, muscular system etc. In "reproductive system" I don't know how far the teacher is going. I thinks the basics they know.

"Honestly even if you forbid him to see, he will still find out from his more matured peers knowing how the boys of my generation were, some things don't change I suppose."


Very true. The only way is to cultivate moral values at young age.

"I believe 9-11 is a good age to explain about sexuality to them. "


I think I can start by 10, just before P5, when he is learning more structured sex education.

"We have already explained to them how a baby is formed. We showed them a photograph of the sperm meeting the egg in microscopic view. We explained how a baby grows in mommy's tummy. My kids know that sperms come from a boy's testicles, and eggs come from a girl's ovaries, and only girl's have a uterus in which a baby can grow. "


Very good approach from scientific point of view. My son also know most part of it.

"But what they don't know is the process of getting the sperm into the egg How to go about explaining it ? I think it is difficult even to explain to a 9 year old child."


Yes. That's is the problem. How to explain the process of transference of sperm into female body? Intriguing for 9 yrs old. I'm afraid, that I may teach him too much.

"Such temptations occur not only online, but in real life as well !"


True also. The only way is to teach, the right and wrong thing - morally, ethically and legally. Real life scenarios are also disturbing. Daily we are seeing many "cross-the-border" scenes in MRT, bus, malls, roads, void decks and everywhere. An affectionate hug, kind kiss on the cheeks, holding hands show the love and affection between the couples. But a french kiss, tight hold and squeeze, other indecent activities in public show what? Sometimes I could see lust only on their faces, not love.

"I set a rule that I will remove their computer privileges if they misbehave in their usage. They typically will get ban for 1-2 weeks and with computer surfing/gaming as one of their fav pasttime, this control is really effective. "


I also do, but not for misbehaving in usage. If my son uses only his account, there will not be any surprises to me, Since I put the tight windows parental control on. In this case he used my wife's account (Now I put tight controls in my wife's account also :) ). But generally, if he don't behave well, postpones his home work/tuition work etc, I cut the computer time for one week. When the exam approaches, no computer for one month except for online exams.

"They had sex education in P5"


This is what I am expecting also. But before that it's better to teach about STD, VD, AIDS (If children know how scary is AIDS and how fast it is spreading, I think they will never think of unprotected sex).

"The doctor stressed that beside explaining the technical and physical process of putting the P into the V (He said use actual words, dont create a mystery around it. I am using P and V here in case some readers are sensitive about it), parents must stress on the emotional aspect of sex. It's not just a physical experience but an emotional one that you should only share with your loved ones and knowing the implication/consequences. "


Yes. we can tell them about the emotional aspect. But how do we demonstrate that practically?. And if they want to "experience" that emotion, without our knowledge, how? Very sensitive.

Thanks all for sharing. :)

AnotherKiasu
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