Help for Overly Generous Kid please

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Help for Overly Generous Kid please

Postby yjj » Thu Jan 29, 2009 5:42 pm

My girl has started P1 this year and has been receiving $1 pocket money a day. However, since we arranged for catered recess for her in January, she gets to keep most of the money after buying a snack to eat during the long school bus journey home.

Unfortunately, 2 incidents happened over the week and I need suggestions on how to handle:

1. She bought a small toy worth $1.50 from the school bookshop for her little sister, but when her friend in the school bus saw it and begged for it, she gave it away reluctantly and has been unsuccessful in getting it back.

2. Her friend lost an eraser and was afraid to use her own money to buy one, cos her parents will scold her when they find out. So she got my daughter to pay the $0.80 for her, which my daughter did after the girl pulled her by the hand to the cashier. To this, my daughter said she wanted to help her friend avoid being scolded...

What should i do?
- Ask her to get the toy and money back?
- Dock some of her pocket money temporarily?
- Talk to her friends' parents? Will they be defensive and hostile?
- Talk to her form teacher?

:?: and thanks in advance for sharing your experience, suggestions.

yjj
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Re: Help for Overly Generous Kid please

Postby jedamum » Thu Jan 29, 2009 6:00 pm

For the first few weeks, my P1 boy had gotten small snacks (almost everyday) for different classmates. I had suggested to him that the friend's parent may not want the friend to consume snacks for health reasons and by buying for them, my boy may be helping the friend to hide such info from the parent. Once or twice a month for sharing is ok, but not daily.

I think you have to explain to your girl that if anyone asked to get something for fear of being scolded, your girl have to explain to the friend that he/she will then have to save up to replace the loss items themselves. It's not only about being 'overly generous', as i feel that it is also a test about standing up against peer pressure in time to come (ie learning to say 'No').

My boy told me that a classmate asked him to give him his storybook and my boy told his friend that he should ask his parents to buy for him instead. :wink:

yjj wrote:What should i do?
- Ask her to get the toy and money back?
- Dock some of her pocket money temporarily?
- Talk to her friends' parents? Will they be defensive and hostile?
- Talk to her form teacher?

:?: and thanks in advance for sharing your experience, suggestions.

- I think what is given out should not ask back.
- I make it mandatory for my boy to save a portion of his allowance. He will get his allowance deducted if he doesn't do so (so far so good).
- Unless it is a repeated request, I don't think it is a good idea to talk to the parents or teachers.

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Re: Help for Overly Generous Kid please

Postby yjj » Thu Jan 29, 2009 6:14 pm

Absolutely. I totally agree that there are elements and opportunity to teach about being strong enough in principles, learning to say NO, and understanding the value of money in these 2 incidents.

jedamum wrote:I think you have to explain to your girl that if anyone asked to get something for fear of being scolded, your girl have to explain to the friend that he/she will then have to save up to replace the loss items themselves. It's not only about being 'overly generous', as i feel that it is also a test about standing up against peer pressure in time to come (ie learning to say 'No').

My boy told me that a classmate asked him to give him his storybook and my boy told his friend that he should ask his parents to buy for him instead. :wink:


That is a great suggestion and I am trying to teach my girl to do the 2nd... she has a mental picture she is a kind girl and that 助人为乐 (it is good to help), so I am trying teach her the fine line between being kind and being taken advantage of...

jedamum wrote:- I think what is given out should not ask back.
- Unless it is a repeated request, I don't think it is a good idea to talk to the parents or teachers.


Understand. I will monitor the situation before taking the other actions, but i might just have to dock her pocket money for a day anyway. :cry:

yjj
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Re: Help for Overly Generous Kid please

Postby jedamum » Thu Jan 29, 2009 6:20 pm

yjj wrote:she has a mental picture she is a kind girl and that 助人为乐 (it is good to help), so I am trying teach her the fine line between being kind and being taken advantage of...

maybe you can tell her that helping others to help themselves is also a way of being kind. :D
some kids may be too helpful that if left uncheck, they may cross the line and help a friend cheat during tests (that was me.... :cry: ).

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Re: Help for Overly Generous Kid please

Postby yjj » Thu Jan 29, 2009 6:31 pm

jedamum wrote:maybe you can tell her that helping others to help themselves is also a way of being kind. :D

That's a great line that my kid will understand. :) Thanks again!

jedamum wrote:some kids may be too helpful that if left uncheck, they may cross the line and help a friend cheat during tests (that was me.... :cry: ).

oops!!!

yjj
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Overly Generous Child

Postby buds » Thu Jan 29, 2009 7:55 pm

Heyya jedamum,

Tks for the tips!
My kiddie is guilty of such generosity too.
Yes, children must learn to say NO under
peer pressure circumstances. I agree..
Mine is learning..... still. :wink:

Should learn to answer like your boy.
"Ask your parents to buy for you!"
Hehee! Very straighforward, i loike!

buds
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Re: Overly Generous Child

Postby jedamum » Thu Jan 29, 2009 8:13 pm

buds wrote:Very straighforward, i loike!

erm... my boy can be an 'oddball' among his friends - pretty much a no-nonsense-and-too-serious kid. :wink:

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Re: Overly Generous Child

Postby schellen » Fri Jan 30, 2009 1:10 pm

jedamum wrote:
buds wrote:Very straighforward, i loike!

erm... my boy can be an 'oddball' among his friends - pretty much a no-nonsense-and-too-serious kid. :wink:


Maybe that's why my girl likes to hang out with him? :sweat:

Anyway, my girl is as straightforward as your boy, just not as vocal. She guards her stuff with a territorial air. :lol: A bit like her parents, perhaps.

She knows she needs to save in order to buy stuff she likes (that no one else is willing to pay for). And as for the snacks, she received a few too but she will always bring home to Mommy. She is quite picky with food, even snacks.

And yes, I agree, it's not the generosity thing; it's peer pressure.
I think if it's not a life-or-death situation, there is no need to lend the money. Even teachers are understanding when children forget to bring cash for payment (if needed nowadays) so there is no need to lend money.

yjj, maybe, you can explain to your girl that if she keeps "giving" or lending others money when it is not an emergency, what would happen if SHE needs the money herself urgently? Perhaps you can tie this in with your reason for giving her pocket money in the first place, even when her recess is prepaid.

schellen
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Postby Guest » Fri Jan 30, 2009 2:49 pm

Firstly, your child has misunderstood what is helping. So let's start with the basics.

Help is only constructive help if:
a. the person receiving help wants the help. (immediate response)
b. the person receiving help feels better with the help. (short-term instant gratification/gain/satisfaction)
c. the person receiving help learns something better from the help (long term gain)
means all 3 conditions MUST BE "yes"

Your child only understands help to be (a) and (b) and naturally so because most adults also stop at (a) and (b). (c) is the one that differentiates.

Now try it in:
Incident 1:
The girl wanted the toy.
(a) yes, she wanted her wants to be fulfilled
(b) yes, she felt better if she got it, right now and now but probably wasting at home now.
(c) no, would giving her make her a better person or spoil her because her whims and fancies could be fulfilled by begging and whining?

So the test fails for (c), your girl will understand that she is not helping her friend and hence she will learn to maintain her point.

Incident 2:
The kid who lost the eraser was afraid and needed help.
(a) yes, she would be so grateful because she would not be scolded
(b) yes, she felt better that her parents were not finding out
(c) no, because she would lose her eraser again and find another friend to pay for a new eraser for her if she does not look for yr girl again.

So (c) again is the test of not constructively helping a person. So does she think this is BEING HELPFUL? She will think twice now.

Btw, this is my own philosphy so you can choose to disagree.
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Postby MMM » Fri Jan 30, 2009 3:01 pm

I think it's good that your girl shows compassion for her friends but on the other hand, I think it's good to teach the kids so that they are not being taken advantage of and is able to stand up for themselves. Eg. giving donations to the needy, buying tissues from the blinds,etc... are all acts of kindness that we encourage.

For us, we implement the pocket $ savings scheme. The mighty saver helps as kids love to get a sticker for each $ saved. We instil the value of $ in the kids. I am not saying that the kids place huge value on $ but they need to understand the value of $. So now they compete with each other to see who can save more $.

Also, when the kids come back with situation, we will do role play. Eg, my girl told me that her friend always cheat during spelling. I told my girl to speak to her friend 1st saying that if the friend continues to cheat, she will tell the teacher. Her friend stopped after that. I think it's also about integrity and behaving ethically. If you know something is wrong, then you should report and not hide.

Recently, my son (P1) gave away all his bakugans to his cousins. He had around 50 and we thot he love it very much. He gave it all to his cousins during CNY, acting like a santa clause and he is down to none. We told him that it's his stuff and if he choose to give away, we respect that BUT he cannot expect us to buy any more bakugan for him or use his savings to buy any. He tend to "act generously and very easy" though it's a good but there is a limit otherwise he will eventually be taken advantage of. We want him to understand the consequence of his action.

I think as parents we need to teach them survival skills.

MMM
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