Mummy whyme: A bad mummy reporting

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Mummy whyme: A bad mummy reporting

Postby whyme » Wed May 27, 2009 10:20 am

I know if I wrote this out, lots and lots of mummies out there will scold me, but I just wanna say things out rather than keeping things inside my heart. My girl is born Dec'05, she is currently in the nursary class at PCF and I think she could be a year end baby, she may not be as 'mature' as the rest of her classmate. My niece who is her classmate, born in May'05. (8 mths older than my girl). is an extremely 'mature' kids, speak well, extremely smart, outspoken, well liked, cute and pretty. The teacher in the school and even my mum (she is currently taking care of my girl and my niece) tends to compare both of them.
The teacher comments : Both of them spend so much time together, how come Xing (my girl) didn't pick up a bit from En (my neice)
My mum comments (out concern)...wow En knows how to write her own name...Xing cannot even write a letter 'A' well.... U must teach her leh...
my proud SIL like to say, U know En so smart, she knows all this, I only need to teach her once......
Yestersday 'meet parent section' I feel really lousy that on the development section, my girl rating are mostly '2' (out of 5) and just a few '3', whereas my niece is almost all '5' with a few '4'. My SIL is really proud, teacher comments : wow Vicky is so smart U must have done a lot at home. SIL comments "No, I dun even have time to read her any story"...
When at home she will line by line explain to my mum the good comments teacher write on her daughter, where I feel like 'hiding' myself in the kitchen, quietly eating my dinner.
mummies, I know U will all say, dun compare, all childrens are born differently. I know, but all I want is my girl to be average, not below average. I feel myself is a very very lousy mummy, really bad and lousy

whyme
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Re: A bad mummy reporting

Postby jedamum » Wed May 27, 2009 10:29 am

whyme wrote: I know, but all I want is my girl to be average, not below average. I feel myself is a very very lousy mummy, really bad and lousy

hi whyme,
don't feel lousy.
what you need to do is to ensure that such comparison are not within earshot of both kids - parental's comparison should not affect the kid's friendship towards each other.
my dad likes to compare my nephew with my ds2; ds2 is 4mths older, but not speaking much yet. it is very clear that he dotes on my nephew more cos the nephew spent more time with him, and is the first 'internal' grandson.
i am lucky that despite the close age gap between both my kids and my nephews, we never consistently compare out loud the differences (i believe in our hearts, we will surely have some comparison to gauge if our kids had hit certain milestones).

the one time i really piss is when my dad asked me why i didn't let ds1 learn piano like his other grandson and went on to said that it is important to learn such a skill for hobby/personal development. i just said he is not interested, although i am tempted to tell him, "you didn't send us to piano lessons when we were younger too what!" :|

the comparison will never end. your SIL may feel the need to report to her MIL cos she is not the daughter and perhaps feel the greater pressure to 'groom' the MIL's 'internal' grandkids. family relations are tricky..close 2 eyes...close 2 ears...so long the kid is not affected. if kid is affected, best is limit the contact. jmho.

before i forget...welcome to KSP! 8)

it is still a bit to early to said that your girl is 'below average'; like what you said, her social skills or psychomotor skills may not have mature yet.

jedamum
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Postby mintcc » Wed May 27, 2009 10:33 am

Hi whyme, welcome to KSP :welcome:

Understand the "peer pressure" over there...definely feel very bad when people keep comparing like that. Probably not very good for the confidence of your child in the long run too.

There are many tips from other parents on teaching young children and I am sure you will find something useful to help your child. Most importantly, have faith that your girl will grow and learn and look out for her strengths. really, now is too early to tell how they will eventually turn out. Remember the chinese saying "xiao shi liao liao da wei bi jia" ? :lol: There are still time for your gal to catch up and at this age the most important skill to learn is EQ.

mintcc
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Re: Mummy whyme: A bad mummy reporting

Postby ChiefKiasu » Wed May 27, 2009 11:07 am

Dear whyme, first, let me welcome to you KiasuParents.com!

Second, let me encourage you to search for "Susan Boyle" at youtube.com and watch her first audition with a most skeptical set of judges and audience.

Finally, my thoughts. You sound like a very well educated and articulate young mommy, so I cannot understand why you would want to put yourself down so badly. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

You have 2 choices. You can either concede and make real the situation where your child will always remain "inferior" to others because in your eyes, you have already accepted that "fact", or you can stand up and do something about it.

Every child has his/her own strengths, and as parents, we are best positioned to identify these strengths and help the child build up and excel in what he/she was naturally gifted with. Just as a left-handed person who is forced to write using his/her right hand may never be able to right as well as he/she could have if he/she was taught to write effectively with the left hand, we cannot force our children to excel in things that we or the society value if they are not born with the predilection for those things.

The most important characteristic a person must have in life is NOT being able to read or do math at an age of 3yo or earlier. It is the quiet belief in one's own abilities to accomplish anything if one chooses to do something. I may not be able to read Japanese now, but I KNOW that if I am given the right motivation to do so, I will be able to learn it even at my age. This is fundamental to our survival in the fast moving economy of now and the future.

Do what is right for your child. Give her the confidence and assurance of your love for her, encourage her to try to do things by herself, celebrate her failures as opportunities for her to learn even more, guide her to become a confident young lady. Don't be drawn into a "my child is better than your child discussion" - those are the parents that give KiasuParents the bad name.

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Thank U all for your support

Postby whyme » Wed May 27, 2009 11:57 am

Thanks U all for your support, thats exactly what I need...support. I feel like a bad mummy cause in my heart, I do think about "There is nothing I can feel proud or can 'show off' my girl...." After having this thought in my mind, I feel like slapping myself real hard, how can I feel that way, my girl is a pretty, cute and wonderful girl, she had done nothing wrong, its not wrong to perform not as good as her cousin.
I send my girl to enrichment class when she is 8mths old, classes like igenius etc,, but my SIL always like to comments, :ai yo, dun need all this crap la, my 'EN' also never attend such classes but looks she is so smart. I charge U 1/2 the price, and I teach your girl, just flash card only meh...such comments really piss me off. I dun mean to train my kids to be a genius, but at least as a mummy, I like her to explore as much as she can...She is now only in her nursery, cannot image in the next few years......

whyme
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Postby Bowie » Wed May 27, 2009 2:04 pm

Hi whyme,

Really encourage u to have a good talk with your SIL to share your concerns on the comments she is throwing that makes you so upset. Benefit of doubt, she maybe too carried away with her gal good performance and did not notice your concerns.

It is really good to share frankly your tots so that she is more aware of how you feel. It will be really bad if ur gal heard these comparison as I believe strongly kids at this age, kids need a lot of encouragement and its a good time to build their confidence to prepare for their life years ahead...

Both your gal and niece will grow up together, under your mum's care. They are fortunate to have each other company.

Potential problem like this should be discussed so that the family can provide the kids a loving enironment to grow u in.

My 2cts. :D

Bowie
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Postby mathsparks » Wed May 27, 2009 2:19 pm

Share my 2 cts worth.

My girl is also born in the year end. Right up till her lower sec years, I was still lamenting the fact that she's year end kid so less mature, is slower than her peers etc. Whenever there's family gathering, the sil would wonder out loud in front of us all why her daughter who's younger is way taller than mine. Despite years of telling her it's in the genes, she finds delight in putting my girl down.

Then there's another sil who likes to compare results. Since both kids are the same age, my girl had to endure years of comparison and dreads the CNY gathering so much that we actually skipped it last year.

But I always believe in my child and talk to her so she doesn't feel inadequate in any way. I gave her room to grow and develop in her own time.

As what Bowie said, have a gd talk with her. Tell your sil if she wants to brag, do it out of earshot of the kids.

mathsparks
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Postby Lingbel » Wed May 27, 2009 4:05 pm

Thats what I am fear of...she is only in her N1, I really hate to see her in the kinda situation being stress by shinning star cousin...but like what cheif says, I will definiely give her all I have, the confidence and assurance that mummy really love her alot, she will one day be a fine and confident lady.

Lingbel
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Postby kiasu_pig » Thu May 28, 2009 9:38 am

do you want your kid to be excel emotionally or academically? My 30 months boy can't recite his "ABC", and can't count beyond his "123", at times I am worried and kaisu about it, but most times, I tried to convince myself that he would pick up somehow - while I just consistently read to him every night, and have fun with him over the weekends. I hope to convince myself that every kid learn at his own pace, sooner or later, given the right time, the kid would spur ahead - well, if not - I just hope that he would grow up as a happy boy. :pray:

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Postby csc » Thu May 28, 2009 10:22 am

My mum comments (out concern)...wow En knows how to write her own name...Xing cannot even write a letter 'A' well.... U must teach her leh...
my proud SIL like to say, U know En so smart, she knows all this, I only need to teach her once......
Yestersday 'meet parent section' I feel really lousy that on the development section, my girl rating are mostly '2' (out of 5) and just a few '3', whereas my niece is almost all '5' with a few '4'. My SIL is really proud, teacher comments : wow Vicky is so smart U must have done a lot at home. SIL comments "No, I dun even have time to read her any story"...
When at home she will line by line explain to my mum the good comments teacher write on her daughter, where I feel like 'hiding' myself in the kitchen, quietly eating my dinner.


I had this particular friend who made me feel the same way too. What I did was to ignore her comments - the best is not to respond to them - people who make such comments are usually insecure - putting others down to raise their own ego - a sign of deep inferiority complex, isn't it?

Switch topics - talk about yourself - maybe your latest hobbies, latest book you've read ,latest trip, latest show you've watched, something you've learnt etc. Stay away from comments on children. If she continues to 'brag' on, excuse yourself and remove yourself from the situation. I'm sure she'll stop when she is not receiving the attention she craves.

As for my friend, I've chosen not to attend any CNY gatherings she has organised - in fact during the last conversation we had, I made it very clear to her that our value systems are very different - what she deems success and valuable in her kids may not be what I believe it's good for my children. So, what's there to compare anyway?

Believe in yourself and your child. Lift your head high confidently. There is more to life than our children's academics.

csc
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