Living with Depression

A healthy body is most important for any child or adult. Discuss all issues related to health in this forum.

Living with Depression

Postby Funz » Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:25 pm

Not me. But DH. This is an old nemesis that keeps coming back for prolonged visits. This time round however, I think it is affecting me very badly so much so that I am afraid I am being dragged down as well. I am so tired having to deal with it.

We used to have this once or twice a year cycle previously where DH will be dissatisfied with everything and make me feel like I am the most unsupportive wife. His dissatisfaction usually manifests itself in material stuff. He will go like he wants a landed property, so and so bought a Maserati, another fella has a SICC membership, on and on and on. And he will start spending a lot. Like splurging $10k on a sound system for his car or watches that cost thousands, etc. I on the other hand get very frustrated with him. I don’t understand what it is that he is so unhappy about. We are not exactly poor. Financially, we are stable with cash to spare so to speak. But he is just not satisfied and will go into these cycles of dark moods now and again.

I am not sure if it is stress at work that triggers all this dark moods or his moods that result in so much unhappiness with his work. He will want to quit or find another job or start a business on his own, all of which will not happen over nite which in turn adds to his frustration about how his life is heading nowhere. And with each unsuccessful interview or lack of opportunity, his self esteem takes a beating and thus the vicious cycle. I have suggested that he consult a psychiatrist or a counselor, he will say yah maybe but never got around to it.

3yrs ago he had episodes of cold sweat and heart palpitation. After a particularly bad attack while he was driving, he went to see a doctor who ruled out and cardiac problems and told him it is most probably an anxiety attack due to stress. Referred him to a psychiatrist. I thought, ok good, finally maybe some professional help. Some help. 1 session with the good doctor and he was diagnosed as having anxiety disorder and depression. Sent him home with 3 drugs, sleeping pills, Xanax (anti-anxiety) and another anti depressant drug and an advice to “talk to your wife she is the best person to give you the support you need.” He took them that night and went to the study to do some stuff while waiting for the drugs to take effect. Not even 5mins later, he could not even stand up and he was high, and I mean high like he was drunk! I had to literally support him into our bedroom and dump him onto the bed and all the while he was giggling like a fool. I went to the study to turn off the lights and by time I came back to our bedroom, he was snoring away. The next morning, he dumped all the drugs. Thing is these episodes kind of blow over after some time and life returns to normal again until the next round that is. So I doubt it is clinical depression.

A series of things this year has led to the current slide into another episode of depression. This time round, he recognized the signs and is trying hard to cope. But this time round, I am unable to let him lean on me so much. In fact, there are times when I feel like telling him to snap out of it already and that not everything is about him. I know, not gonna help, in fact that should be the last thing to say to someone going thru depression but that is how I am feeling now. I feel tightness and pressure in my chest every time I hear him sighing or if I receive any sms from him. Just this morning b4 he headed out for his golf, he said he needs to talk to me tonight and I can feel my migraine starting almost immediately. I feel bad but I am glad that he is out of the house and that I don’t have to face him now.

Whew! Feel better now after writing about it. We hear very often about those who have been through depression but I just keep wondering where do the people closest to those going through depression find the strength and the patience. I am running short on both.

Think I should put my foot down and drag him to see a reliable psychiatrist?

Funz
Councillor
Councillor
 
Posts: 10820
Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 12:48 pm
Total Likes: 318


Postby MLR » Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:00 pm

Think I should put my foot down and drag him to see a reliable psychiatrist?


YES! YES! YES!

At times its more than just a passing phase. From your description, he does seems to be suffering from some form of depression. There are many forms of it, some trigger by season, some by stress, some by a certain event, etc. But it seems in his case, its not so bad as to render him unable to function. Do you find that the cycle gets shorter and the bout gets longer?

If it is properly diagnose as depression, the first step is acceptance, which is the most difficult. Its not just admitting it, its also accepting it. After which then you learn how to manage it. It would be a difficult period, a real test of your relationship and also your family life. It takes a toll on the family, especially you, being his spouse. You would hv to weight each decision, each action, for fear of a trigger. You would question yourself lots.

My brother has bipolar disorder and he would either be depressive or de-maniac. When he was depressive, he wouldn't even leave his room. When he is de-maniac, he would go on shopping spree. The last episode, he charged up a whopping $20K in just a month, and things he bought wasn't even for himself. It nearly tore our family apart. He was diagnosed 10 over years ago, but its only recently that everyone in the family face up to it and learn how to deal with it. And at the back of our mind, especially my parents whom he lived with, will always think about when its his next episode.

The diagnosis is really the easiest part of the whole matter. Its managing it that tests who you are inside.

But having said all that, it does bring my family closer now that we have someone that we always hv to look out for. For the first time, my sister starting to take responsibility as a sister and a daughter in the family. My parents finally see me as the contributor, where in the past I m just the problem solver, sometimes use and discard. In learning about his condition and also being there for him has also taught me alot about myself and make me much stronger and a different view of people. Thru it, I finally also accept myself for what I am and also who am I.

Have courage and faith in yourself as well as family. Stay strong and you know that you will always have us at KSP to rave or rant to.

Take care.

MLR
BrownBelt
BrownBelt
 
Posts: 629
Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2009 10:28 am
Total Likes: 0


Re: Living with Depression

Postby ZacK » Sat Aug 22, 2009 9:45 pm

Funz wrote:Not me. But DH. This is an old nemesis that keeps coming back for prolonged visits. This time round however, I think it is affecting me very badly so much so that I am afraid I am being dragged down as well. I am so tired having to deal with it.


Hi funz, my heart goes out to you. It is certainly emotionally draining if you are the pillar that holds everything up when these bouts happen. Last year when DW was carrying DS2 she had a severe bout of antenatal depression... She found it difficult to sleep and sometimes only managing an hour to two before she had to wake up to go to work, the slightest thing triggered her depressed mood, there were also moments when she was suicidal... You can guess that I went without sleep during that period too. So it was both physically and emotionally draining during those moments (especially when it went continuously for days) that I felt like my four limbs were strapped and that someone was ripping me apart. I was both physically and mentally tired, got easily irritable myself but couldnt show it as it would get DW into one of her emotional spirals.

What I did in those moments to pull me through... I searched deep in my heart back to the time when I felt so strongly for DW, why I loved her and why we ended up together. Used that as my main source of motivation and strength to pull me through during those down moments.

Anyway DW realised her condition, partly because of the fear that she could not control herself, her thoughts and also her actions. So we sought professional help and were subsequently referred to KKH where they have a specialist psychiatrist for pregnant women. Much as we would rather not to, we decided that it was best for DW to be on medication notwithstanding that she was carrying DS2. I am glad that things are certainly a lot better now and pretty much back to normal for us.

As for your DH, I wonder if it could be more physiological than psychological? What age is DH, is he at the menopausal age? Whatever the case, would be advisable for him to undergo a detailed examination to ascertain the cause for his bouts of depression. Be it physiological or psychological, if there is a medical problem, we would first need to admit that the problem exists before we can take steps to move on.

Do hang in there and search for your inner strength to help you pull through :pray: ... Btw focusing on my kids also helps me to find the strength because what I am doing now inevitably also benefits them. :grphug:

ZacK
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 2396
Joined: Sun Jul 13, 2008 9:19 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: Living with Depression

Postby GreenQ » Sun Aug 23, 2009 12:42 am

Funz wrote:
We hear very often about those who have been through depression but I just keep wondering where do the people closest to those going through depression find the strength and the patience. I am running short on both.



Zack wrote:
What I did in those moments to pull me through... I searched deep in my heart back to the time when I felt so strongly for DW, why I loved her and why we ended up together. Used that as my main source of motivation and strength to pull me through during those down moments.


I have a close fren whose DH was on medication for depression for more than 10 yrs. Her DH was on and off taking the medicine. When he feels ok, he will suka suka stop his medicine. But then he will beat my fren occationally! :( Poor fren...

But she said she still hang in there to pull through with her DH, bcoz of the romance memory which brought them together in their relationship.

So, hang in there Funz! Things will get better if we see things from diff points of view. We will have more power/energy/patience to go on. Take care.

GreenQ
BrownBelt
BrownBelt
 
Posts: 603
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:32 am
Total Likes: 0


Re: Living with Depression

Postby ZacK » Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:16 am

GreenQ wrote:I have a close fren whose DH was on medication for depression for more than 10 yrs. Her DH was on and off taking the medicine. When he feels ok, he will suka suka stop his medicine. But then he will beat my fren occationally! :( Poor fren...


From my understanding, even if feel ok still must be conscientious in taking meds ... More for "maintenance" to prevent going into a relapse so easily.

Yeap tell your friend to hang in there too... Pls remind her to ask her hubs to take his meds regularly regardless of how he is feeling.

ZacK
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 2396
Joined: Sun Jul 13, 2008 9:19 pm
Total Likes: 0



Postby Funz » Sun Aug 23, 2009 10:08 am

Thanks you all. I really need to hear from people who have been thru similar stuff. Talking to my family and frens don't help. All I keep getting is tell him to snap out of it oredi. Or comments like when is he going to stop being so self centred. Or aiyah, ignore him lah. He will get over it after some time.

DH is 40 this year. Dun think it has to do with male menopause cos this has been happening for the past 10 yrs or maybe even before I knew him.

Yah. Our kids are our main source of joy and comfort. But they too get some of the spillovers of DH's black moods. And that is when I snap too.

What I am doing now is to keep him occupied as much as possible. Push him to go running, plan activities with the kids, etc. Just to keep him from brooding.

Hanging tough now. There is always clear skies after the storm.

Funz
Councillor
Councillor
 
Posts: 10820
Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 12:48 pm
Total Likes: 318


Postby skunk » Sun Aug 23, 2009 11:05 am

he needs a total lifestyle change. And a total change of heart, to give up chasing material possessions, and find inner peace.

I was under medication for Bipolar Depression for a number of years, but i've been medication-free for the last 7 years.

I found religion, I found Peace, because I've managed to give up all my expectations of Life and all it has to offer. Rich or poor, to have or have-not, does not matter to me anymore. I've given up all my emotional baggage, and it has set me free.

Living in a stressful environment, always trying to keep up with the Joneses, or carrying around emotional baggage from the past is bound to make anyone mad/ develop mental illness.

Oh yah, a highly regimented lifestyle, wake up early, sleep early and eat healthily, will change the chemical balance in his body and make him less depressed ;)

First hand tips from someone who survived it and tells the tale ;)

skunk
BrownBelt
BrownBelt
 
Posts: 509
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 4:36 pm
Total Likes: 1


Re: Living with Depression

Postby GreenQ » Wed Aug 26, 2009 10:42 am

ZacK wrote:From my understanding, even if feel ok still must be conscientious in taking meds ... More for "maintenance" to prevent going into a relapse so easily.

Yeap tell your friend to hang in there too... Pls remind her to ask her hubs to take his meds regularly regardless of how he is feeling.


Yes. Zack. She always nag at her hubby to take the med. She said if not, sometimes he acts blur. I think may be he also frustrated to keep on taking those med for SO many yrs. And the med not cheap as well. Don't know how long ones have to take this med...

GreenQ
BrownBelt
BrownBelt
 
Posts: 603
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:32 am
Total Likes: 0


Postby Funz » Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:53 am

skunk wrote:he needs a total lifestyle change. And a total change of heart, to give up chasing material possessions, and find inner peace.

I was under medication for Bipolar Depression for a number of years, but i've been medication-free for the last 7 years.

I found religion, I found Peace, because I've managed to give up all my expectations of Life and all it has to offer. Rich or poor, to have or have-not, does not matter to me anymore. I've given up all my emotional baggage, and it has set me free.

Living in a stressful environment, always trying to keep up with the Joneses, or carrying around emotional baggage from the past is bound to make anyone mad/ develop mental illness.

Oh yah, a highly regimented lifestyle, wake up early, sleep early and eat healthily, will change the chemical balance in his body and make him less depressed ;)

First hand tips from someone who survived it and tells the tale ;)


I am waiting for the day that DH will rid himself of such baggage and find peace and contentment.

Unfortunately, it is not something that I can force onto him. He has to come to that realisation himself. No amount of counselling or therapy or even drugs will help him achieve that if he is not ready.

He seems chirpier these few days but you know what it is like, the dark cloud is still lurking somewhere. Any disagreement at work or anything not going right will send it crashing down again.

Funz
Councillor
Councillor
 
Posts: 10820
Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 12:48 pm
Total Likes: 318


Re: Living with Depression

Postby kaitlynangelica » Fri Aug 28, 2009 5:50 pm

We used to have this once or twice a year cycle previously where DH will be dissatisfied with everything and make me feel like I am the most unsupportive wife. His dissatisfaction usually manifests itself in material stuff. He will go like he wants a landed property, so and so bought a Maserati, another fella has a SICC membership, on and on and on. And he will start spending a lot. Like splurging $10k on a sound system for his car or watches that cost thousands, etc. I on the other hand get very frustrated with him. I don’t understand what it is that he is so unhappy about. We are not exactly poor. Financially, we are stable with cash to spare so to speak. But he is just not satisfied and will go into these cycles of dark moods now and again.

I am not sure if it is stress at work that triggers all this dark moods or his moods that result in so much unhappiness with his work. He will want to quit or find another job or start a business on his own, all of which will not happen over nite which in turn adds to his frustration about how his life is heading nowhere. And with each unsuccessful interview or lack of opportunity, his self esteem takes a beating and thus the vicious cycle. I have suggested that he consult a psychiatrist or a counselor, he will say yah maybe but never got around to it.

3yrs ago he had episodes of cold sweat and heart palpitation. After a particularly bad attack while he was driving, he went to see a doctor who ruled out and cardiac problems and told him it is most probably an anxiety attack due to stress. Referred him to a psychiatrist. I thought, ok good, finally maybe some professional help. Some help. 1 session with the good doctor and he was diagnosed as having anxiety disorder and depression. Sent him home with 3 drugs, sleeping pills, Xanax (anti-anxiety) and another anti depressant drug and an advice to “talk to your wife she is the best person to give you the support you need.” He took them that night and went to the study to do some stuff while waiting for the drugs to take effect. Not even 5mins later, he could not even stand up and he was high, and I mean high like he was drunk! I had to literally support him into our bedroom and dump him onto the bed and all the while he was giggling like a fool. I went to the study to turn off the lights and by time I came back to our bedroom, he was snoring away. The next morning, he dumped all the drugs. Thing is these episodes kind of blow over after some time and life returns to normal again until the next round that is. So I doubt it is clinical depression.

A series of things this year has led to the current slide into another episode of depression. This time round, he recognized the signs and is trying hard to cope. But this time round, I am unable to let him lean on me so much. In fact, there are times when I feel like telling him to snap out of it already and that not everything is about him. I know, not gonna help, in fact that should be the last thing to say to someone going thru depression but that is how I am feeling now. I feel tightness and pressure in my chest every time I hear him sighing or if I receive any sms from him. Just this morning b4 he headed out for his golf, he said he needs to talk to me tonight and I can feel my migraine starting almost immediately. I feel bad but I am glad that he is out of the house and that I don’t have to face him now.

Whew! Feel better now after writing about it. We hear very often about those who have been through depression but I just keep wondering where do the people closest to those going through depression find the strength and the patience. I am running short on both.

Think I should put my foot down and drag him to see a reliable psychiatrist?


Dear Funz,

My sympathies go out with you. It must be hard dealing with his condition all the time. If he refuses to see a psychologiest, what about seeing a professional counsellor on how to manage his stress? Personally, I feel that a lot seems to have to do with your hubbby's attitues and outlook towards life. Some of the practica things I can think of:

1) Change DH's friends ? If all his friends are the wealthy kind that can afford to buy Maseratis and SICC memberships, then it will surely affect his self-esteem.

2) Bring him on a mission trip to some country which is rampant with poverty so that he realises how blessed we are.

3) take up a hobby to stop him from brooding.

4) Get him some books that you know will help change his attitude.

It does sound he is rather self-centred, not considering your feelings at all, or that you are about to collapse being his only pillar.

HTH.

kaitlynangelica
BlueBelt
BlueBelt
 
Posts: 473
Joined: Fri Apr 25, 2008 4:51 pm
Total Likes: 6


Next

Return to Health