Molest by someone you know

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

Postby girlmum » Tue May 25, 2010 10:57 pm

This old pervert is really SICK! :x It's really hard to stomach this humiliation, but then again, it's ur best friend's wedding. Guess u r right not to make a scene on this special day. BUT to forgive & forget is out of the question for me. I would walk right to him the next time I see him and STERNLY warn him never try to be funny with me or live to regret it. Give a hard stamp on his feet before i walk away. (Wear heels & twist real hard).

Need to teach our daughters some tips to "treat" these sicko.

girlmum
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Postby EstherTan » Tue May 25, 2010 11:29 pm

Break his b*lls! :x

Okok, jokes aside, I think you should talk to your husband about this. I'm not sure how close you are to your BFF's sister, but from what he has done there is no respect for his wife (imagine if this happens on a regular basis?) and her family. I'm not sure if he was drunk, but that is still not a valid excuse for such behavior.

Would you consider confronting him about it when you see him later? (with your husband/ close friends around). I think a simple - 'please show some respect for others, especially yourself and your WIFE' is hopefully enough to provide a deterrent for him. This incident was no accident. He made a verbal and indecent proposal. He should answer for it.

I honestly don't think it's because he thought you were 'easy' (you certainly do not sound like that in your posts!), but he might have assumed you WOULD keep quiet for fear of spoiling the relationship with your BFF.

FYI - I was molested on a Friday night (at around 10+pm) on the way home by an Indian riding a bicycle. He reached out and groped me my left breast as he casually cycled past. I was 22 yo, wearing a white sports polo tshirt and jeans. I shouted and tried to chase, but he rode away too fast. Till this day (and that's more than 5 years), I regretted not doing something more about it. I did not even tell my husband about this incident. Some times there is no need for females to have to 'provoke' certain males visually by behaving in a flirtatious manner or being scantily clad. You just need to be equipped with the female organs for them to want to approach you.

[Disclaimer - I hope this does not turn into a flame-fest with the many male readers jumping in to accuse me of stereotyping ;p]

Chin up!!!

EstherTan
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Postby verykiasu2010 » Tue May 25, 2010 11:34 pm

since the wedding is over and would not make any scene for your friend

now is to bait him do the same and whack him with evidence, then go to the police
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Postby ChiefKiasu » Tue May 25, 2010 11:47 pm

verykiasu2010 wrote:since the wedding is over and would not make any scene for your friend

now is to bait him do the same and whack him with evidence, then go to the police


It is ill-advised to "bait him" in order to get evidence because he can always argue in court that he was set up (which would be true the 2nd time around), which will then put into question your original case against him.

If you are certain that he was not drunk and the whole incident was premeditated, go talk to your best friend and ask HER what she would do if she was in your situation. Take her views into consideration as you plan your action against him. Do NOT initiate any contact with him, and never meet him alone.

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Postby verykiasu2010 » Tue May 25, 2010 11:49 pm

ChiefKiasu wrote:
verykiasu2010 wrote:since the wedding is over and would not make any scene for your friend

now is to bait him do the same and whack him with evidence, then go to the police


It is ill-advised to "bait him" in order to get evidence because he can always argue in court that he was set up (which would be true the 2nd time around), which will then put into question your original case against him.

If you are certain that he was not drunk and the whole incident was premeditated, go talk to your best friend and ask HER what she would do if she was in your situation. Take her views into consideration as you plan your action against him. Do NOT initiate any contact with him, and never meet him alone.


cheif u are right

i was not thinking ..... is bad to bait, i take back what i said

please don't bait, though can feel what insider feels ....
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Postby ChiefKiasu » Wed May 26, 2010 12:07 am

insider wrote:It's sort of like a 'judgment call'. If I want to settle this matter squarely with him, I risk ruining my best friend's sister's family. My best friend definitely also will not swallow it and will inform her parents and then things will get messy.

Sick man put me in this kind of spot and I am still thinking whether next CNY want to go visit my best friend's parents as usual. Her parents are also in their 70s and I will feel very buay kum buan if I cannot visit them coz of don't want to meet him. Will play with timing of visit for next CNY instead of every year have a fixed day of all visiting together...


You do not risk ruining your best friend's sister's family. The guy had RISKED ruining HIS own family for doing what he did. You are NOT the one at fault for what happened, or what might happen. Chances are, you are not the only one whom he has attacked. If he thinks he can get away scot free, he will only do it again. At least talk to your friend and see if you can work out something together.

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Postby Andaiz » Wed May 26, 2010 8:32 am

Insider, I feel how you feel...and the memories of the BF wedding's going to be tainted.

I agree with Chief and the rest that you need to confront him. Perhaps not directly first but his BAD behaviour needs to be highlighted. It is not tolerable and if he gets off scot free this time, he would victimize other women in other situations! :x :x :x scum!

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Postby ZacK » Wed May 26, 2010 1:40 pm

Hi insider,

Sorry to read abt your experience and indignity that you were subject to.

I think you were very level headed in not blowing up the matter during the wedding, you had certainly placed the needs of your friend (in not wanting to ruin her wedding) over yours and you should be lauded for that.

For me, I will not condone such practices be it from a man or woman, as what right do they have to "intrude" into others space and take what they do not have. I agree with what most have said here and if it happened to me, I would do the following:

- Have a chat with best friend and hear what are her concerns etc before planning my move.
- Ideally it should result in a meeting involving the man and his wife, me and my spouse and neutral party/ies.
- Main intention would be to bring his misdeeds to light. We are not the parties at fault, he thru his own actions brought this upon himself. He has no one to blame except himself.
- I would be able to acept a sincere apology from the man and move on from there. This is assuming he admits his mistake and ask for forgiveness.
- Should also be prepared that the meeting may turn ugly in that he may deny or even accuse that he was being "seduced" etc, so should know how to react in these situations. Would I be able to accept it if the meeting does not have any outcome other than we have brought this matter to the attention of his wife?
- Worst case would be it would create a rift between the two families.
- Ideally, I will leave the old folks out of this matter. However must also be prepared that friend's sister may bring this to their attention. So this may or may not affect the relationship with the old folks.

Sorry that I may have just rattled on... But trying to put myself in your shoes and seeing the factors for consideration. Ultimately, you need to be at peace with yourself on the actions that will be taken.

Btm line... Will not suffer in silence. How the man and his wife ends up? Depends on how he admits or continues to deny his actions... If he is wise, he shd admit and then ask his wife for forgiveness and then move on if possible... For all you know, the man's wife also knows of his philandering ways... :stupid:

ZacK
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Postby daisyt » Wed May 26, 2010 4:01 pm

insider wrote:....
What Zack and others advised are sound about thrashing thing out with him though chances are he will deny and ended up in a words-against-words kind of situation. Anyway, I think the integrity I built through the years would make my words more credible than his. To really arrange for a confrontation would need more strong men to be around as his physique is really not something to take it lightly in the event that he goes crazy and starts to act irrationally. After what he had done, I take him as someone who is psychologically imbalanced and so cannot treat him like what I would treat a normal person (whom I can predict with logic).

My friend is going for her 3 weeks honeymoon this weekend and I will be taking this period of time to consider about the matter. It is difficult to swallow as said but am really weighing whether it is worth to destroy a family (in most likelihood the moment I spill the beans) and make the two old folks sad and feel shameful about their son-in-law just because I want very much to settle the score.

.....


hi insider, sorry to hear about this and hope you are feeling better now.

I remember watching a HK drama, the mum told her daughter, "You don't live in an island alone. When doing certain things, you have to put a consideration on others." Of course, you have done that, if not, like you mentioned, you would have made a big fuess big on that night. I don't think what you have done is a sign of weakness. Even if you have decided to leave the matter rest (3 weeks later), its also not a sign of weakness. I agree with your consideration about destroying a family and thinking for the two old folks. My opinion is you still have to talk to your hubby and children on this matter, then try to keep a distance with him from now onwards. If no choice, have to face each other or happen to bump, give him a cold shoulder, treat him transparent.

JMHO

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Postby Funz » Wed May 26, 2010 4:25 pm

Strange but when such things happen to women, somehow, the first thing we do is see if we are the ones at fault in the first place. If in the first place we did not have the intention to attract such attention, it will never be our fault, regardless of how we dress.

If in your shoes, I will not avoid the gatherings and the company of those I consider as being as close as family just becos of this jerk. And I will find an opportunity to let him know that I remember what he did and I am letting that incident rest, for now, on account of the relationship that I have with the family. However if I so much as hear that he is up to any nonsense be it with me or with any other women, that is when the gloves will come off and the one who stands to lose the most is him. So the best thing he can do to salvage the whole situation is to make himself scarce whenever I am around to visit.

I will also let my hubby know what had happened. And for him to have faith and trust in me that I can handle the situation myself. The last thing I need is some neanderthal reaction from him.

Well that will be me if caught in such a situation. But all these are hypothetical. For all I know, given my hot headed nature, I might be screaming bloody murder right there & then instead of being so cool and collected.

Funz
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