LIVING IN MISERY, THINKING OF A DIVORCE

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

LIVING IN MISERY, THINKING OF A DIVORCE

Postby EQUINOX » Tue Aug 10, 2010 3:39 pm

My husband and I have a generation gap of 25 years and he is very old and I am in my late 40s. He has been in the civil service and has been teaching until he decide to retire at 55. I was shocked at his decision and he kept digging into his savings for years and until lately went bankrupt. I tried a tuition job but the earnings were not enough to maintain his livestyle. He refused to give up his car as he have to travel to the west to teach. He asked me to be his guarantor for a $5k loan and used me to guarantee for his car loan as well. We have a 17 year old JC student and I have been paying her for studies while he paid for the house maintenance.

Now he is complaining that he has been paying paying paying without realising that I have been paying paying as well. Things took a bad turn when my girl told my husband to stop whinning and stop acting like a kid when he complained that I gave pocket money to my parents and not to him. He canceled our medical benefits and kept my girl's passport so that she cannot leave the country. He defaulted on the credit card loans and now myy funds are limited, I expect him to work for his own maintenance and now he threaten to sell the house where he thinks he can pocket 1/2 of our 5room flat and live in a studio. He was thinking of the 30K COV. I told him he should get 1/3 as I need the 2/3 for a 3 room flat. My girl will stay with me. Now he threaten to go to my office and tell on me. He had sabo me before in my old job and now he is taking me on in my current job. The commotion was so embarassing that I had to leave. Now I fear history would repeat itself and I would be without a job and my girl will have to suffer because of her daddy's stupidity. When a man aged, he is not getting cleverer. He splits the house and makes us pay extra for the laywers and brokers. He wants to punish me but it will end up my girl will suffer. What should I do to remove this pest from my life? God helps!

EQUINOX
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Postby dolphinsiah » Tue Aug 10, 2010 4:14 pm

A Gap of 25 years old...which means yr spouse is almost 70...

Sorry to be blunt...is he always such an Sadist MCP.... :P

The only thing I can deduce is that yr spouse must be worried that you and yr daughter will benefit from his wealth...if he passed away...first

But every story has 2 side ....so maybe u have caused him to feel insecure???

Imagine when you are 20s ...he is almost 50s....
Young wife old man....no money....(you know like those drama we watch...)
I thought teacher suppose to have good character...

dolphinsiah
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Postby mrswongtuition » Tue Aug 10, 2010 4:41 pm

Men get wierd & insecure as they get older.
Get hold of evidences of his behaviour. May come in useful during divorce.

mrswongtuition
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Postby EQUINOX » Tue Aug 10, 2010 4:53 pm

Yes my husband is very insecure because I am earning a lot more than he does. As I am the breadwinner I make the decisions. He should just respect me for it as I have progressed and stride in my career and my girl is very close to me because I am nearer her age and we always have fun together. My husband and I have always lead separate and independent lives. He does not allow me to mix around or go to parties and he criticise my friends. He cannot appreciate that he has a kid to support and think of nothing but sponges on the family. He pawned his mother's gold to survive for a year and left with nothing,he has become bitter and useless. He is a stupid man as well because he had filed a maintenance order against his children from his first marriage to support him and had insisted that his daughter sign a letter of forced monthly support. She refused and he refused to attend her wedding. That was the last straw that his two sons a lawyer and an engineer and his daughter a doctor broke off from him. He still calls her name in his sleep but what's the point - a stupid action can cause some much pain and misery that you can't reversed the injury done. I always think one must think of the cause and effect of an action. He does not calculate his risks and is not world-wise. He lost his fortune in the financial markets and refused to work harder, always lamenting that he has to retire - but his fortunes are gone! He is so unrealistic and yet so domineering. He refused to take criticism nor improves. He dressed shabbily when we are out together. I cringe when I run into friends. He said I am always the one telling him what to do and how to dress. Sigh! So pathetic especially in a summer-winter marriage.

EQUINOX
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Postby carebear » Tue Aug 10, 2010 6:02 pm

Hi equinox, if your life with him is miserable and you just can't wait to part with him, then it may signal the end of your marriage. Since your gal is close to you and she is already big, a split should not have a big impact on her. Sometimes living apart or having a cooling off period may be the solution. You should speak to a lawyer and find out what you are entitled to.
In a marriage where the man is much more senior than his wife, the man usually exerts authority over the woman. However he has lost that ability to do so now, and maybe that's why he is behaving this way? And on your part, you may have lost the respect you have for him all these years?

carebear
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Postby auntieM » Tue Aug 10, 2010 8:03 pm

He retired shortly after marrying you right? Wow, than you really got tahan power..

auntieM
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Postby Cherylg » Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:00 pm

Perhaps u can discuss with your child first before coming into any decisions?

Cherylg
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Postby noobparent » Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:34 pm

Very sad case. I got no constructive advice to give though.

noobparent
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Postby cherrygal » Thu Sep 02, 2010 11:53 am

He seriously needs counselling on his insecurities, anger and depression. His outbursts are actually calls for help. But he has to be willing to go and you must be willing to pay for those psychologist sessions. But I think there are free ones at those non-profit counselling centres.

After that, if you wish to, try to go for marriage counselling.

You have done well to even stay so long, but I guess it must be due to your daughter. Your daughter is old enough to decide who she wants to follow so there is no worry about custody issues. If there is no respite, get a lawyer and get out before he turns violent.

As for other gals out there thinking of marrying a much older man, make sure he is really rich before you do so. It's just being practical. There is really no point in marrying an old and poor man. I am sorry to say that money is the key cause of divorces. If he had money, he won't be angry with himself, or you.

cherrygal
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Postby concern.mum » Thu Sep 02, 2010 11:03 pm

I don't have much advice but just want to say that at his age, he is unlikely to change, so it is better that you quickly take your girl and divorce him. he will drag you down if you continue to stay with him and you might even lose your job. He has married a much younger wife who also earns more than him, if he is so insecure, he should never have married in the first place, better remain unmarried than bring a child into the world and do all this nonsense. Sorry, I feel angry for you when I read this.

concern.mum
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