KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

How would you react on the scenario below.

Brother-in-law and his wife only have a teenage boy (rebellious one).
Some times they invite your parents-in-law to stay at their place.
Your parents-in-law ask to take your little daughter there because
they have nothing else to do at that place. You thought your daughter will spend the night with your parents-in-law's room (her own bed/mattress).
Later you found out your daughter was sharing the same bed with your bro-in-law and his wife. Of course, nothing nasty happened to the kid.

You talked to your wife. She never wanted to disagree with her parents.
i.e. she entertains every of her parents and siblings requests.

Questions I have in mind
- do you feel your daughter is more like a 'toy' in the other's eyes? Whoever bored / wants to play with a toddler take your daughter from you?
- sleeping other people other than yourself and your wife. Is this acceptable to you?
- I am wondering how this subconciously affect the kid. Will she see sharing a bed with others is an acceptable act, and see this lightly when someone asks her to share a bed when she grows up (e.g. school friends etc.)?
- When she grows up, if one day you scold her, would the above also makes her feel "if you scold me, I go to uncle's place overnight" so you have absolutely no way to control her?

hi wy chung, i personally do not like my kids to spend the night at anyone's house even if it is a relative's. I would definitely disapprove of a toddler staying overnight at someone's place as it is unlikely that the decision is hers and for all the reasons that you have mentioned, especially she is a girl! It is definitely unappropriate for her to share the bedroom with the married couple as you won't know what the couple did in the room, even if they did nothing to her.

IMHO, you need to sound your wife out w_y_chung.
There must be underlying reasons why her behavior regarding your parents and your child is so.
I have a 11-month young baby girl.
I wouldn't let her sleep with anyone but DH and myself.
Please talk to your wife and/or get someone to counsel the two of you, either together or separately, depending on your comfort zone.

duriz wrote:IMHO, you need to sound your wife out w_y_chung.
There must be underlying reasons why her behavior regarding your parents and your child is so.

My kids are very close to my parents, esp my 10 year old boy. However, they will never stay overnight without me. My parents do ask them to stay with them during holidays since my room is vacant but he refuses if I don't stay.

6 year old daughter told me last night she wants to sleep beside me even when she is in P6 :!:

w_y_chung wrote:How would you react on the scenario below.

Brother-in-law and his wife only have a teenage boy (rebellious one).
Some times they invite your parents-in-law to stay at their place.
Your parents-in-law ask to take your little daughter there because
they have nothing else to do at that place. You thought your daughter will spend the night with your parents-in-law's room (her own bed/mattress).
Later you found out your daughter was sharing the same bed with your bro-in-law and his wife. Of course, nothing nasty happened to the kid.

You talked to your wife. She never wanted to disagree with her parents.
i.e. she entertains every of her parents and siblings requests.

Questions I have in mind
- do you feel your daughter is more like a 'toy' in the other's eyes? Whoever bored / wants to play with a toddler take your daughter from you?
I will not think that, most people tend to go goo goo and gah gah over babies and toddlers. Take is as a compliment. Cos if your baby is a difficult and fussy kid, trust me, everyone will avoid her like a plague.
- sleeping other people other than yourself and your wife. Is this acceptable to you?
If these people are family, as in granparents, uncles and aunties whom me or my DH are close to, I have no issues with that.
- I am wondering how this subconciously affect the kid. Will she see sharing a bed with others is an acceptable act, and see this lightly when someone asks her to share a bed when she grows up (e.g. school friends etc.)? Doubt so, as our kids grow we will definitely be instilling in them what would be considered acceptable norms. Morever, by the time they are a certain age, I believe their granparents and aunties or uncles will also find it strange sharing a bed with them
- When she grows up, if one day you scold her, would the above also makes her feel "if you scold me, I go to uncle's place overnight" so you have absolutely no way to control her?

Seriously, I dun think staying overnite with a relative now and then will lead to that. If it does come to that, it will have nothing to do with her overniters with her uncle or aunties but more to do with your relationship with her.


I think your daughter is lucky to have granparents and uncles and aunties who dote on her. No offense here but I am going to be pretty blunt here, dun let your issues with your wife deprive your DD of that love and doting.

My boy stays over at my parent's place every Sat night.
He will choose who he wants to share a bed with. My maid will go with him to my parent's place.

Some days, he wants to share a bed with my sis (but my sis will end up calling me the next morning to grumble that my son kicked her the whole night and she couldn't sleep).
Some days, he chooses my brother (single but taken). & my brother loves to cuddle him to sleep.
Some days, he will squeeze with my parents on their bed. My parents welcome that alot (I think they miss the days where me and my siblings will squeeze with them).

I think it really depends on the family. Like for me, I sleep on my parents bed from young. Up till NOW, when I go back to stay, I will still squeeze with them on their bed. My hubs will voluntarily sleep on their bedroom floor.
For my hub's family, they've never entered their parents room at all. It's 'forbidden grounds' to the kids. So when my hubs first came to my house to stay, he got a shock at how comfortable we are going in and out of my parent's room, like it was our own. Our comfort level with our parents is very high and we dare to say anything we want. With his parents, up till today, you feel like you are being dictated in the house. Very uncomfortable. They don't share anything with their parents.

You need to understand their family's 'habits' and 'pattern'. What may seem 'usual' to them may seem 'weird' to you.

BTW, seems like your bro-in-law and his wife don't have a daughter? Maybe that's why they love your daughter so much and treat her like their own?
And maybe your girl can feel that love from that that's why she was willing to share their bed with them?

Hi w_y_chung,
I sense some jealousy here. Are you unhappy your daughter is closer to your in-laws ?

My hubby's family is not open and his mother calls the shots. When I'm with my parents, brother and relatives, we speak openly...something which my hubby couldn't get used to initially. I can say anything I want, sleep in any room I wish.
Like what Mrs Wong mentioned, this is impossible in hubby's family. I feel like I can hardly breathe at his place...like being in RESTRICTED ZONE.
There is no sense of family closeness, his brothers are not open nor close to one another.

Hi janet_lee88,, duriz and carebear,

Thanks. Indeed one of my worries is that what they teach my daughter. I do not discriminate my in-laws but in short, we have different believes. A toddler is like a sponge, absorbs whatever taught to them. It is hard to change them esp my daughter has a stubborn character.

Recently she has been chewing on her crayons, telling me this is lipstick. It is clear she did not pick it up from TV since she knows clearly what the lip stick does. She even offers to apply her 'lipstick' on me! She also utter phrases which I hope she does not know, like "I don't want you!" (as in dumping someone), and she beats people saying she is the police.....

Hi Funz, mrswongtuition, janet_lee88

Thanks for sharing. I brought up the question here because I am 50-50 on how to handle this scenario, and your inputs certainly helps me to get a more balanced view.

In fact my wife did mention it is better for our daughter to feel the love from more people, and this is blessings for her. True. However I still question does staying overnight an essential to share the love. LIke may others said, it is the quality of the time spent not duration, so if the IL's really loves my daughter so much, day time is more than enough for this purpose.

Last weekend when my MIL ask my daughter to stay (she asked _my_ daughter, a 2yo, who has little clue what the question means, instead of me or my wife), I said politely it is ok to bring her over during day time and I _volunteer_ to bring her home after 10pm. I can easily prove my daughter's language skill is still weak - we ask her if she wants to eat her poo poo (which she almost did the other day), she said yes and it tastes good.

I came from a family with strict discipline. I want to instill discipline

Hi janet_lee88,

It is not exactly jealously. I am feeling an imbalance. In short, many times my MIL will decide for me and my wife what to do with my daughter, or she makes a my wife (which my wife will entertain always, maybe she feels it is bad to decline her mom's requests). I keep my mind and ears open to reasons, but at times I need to defend for my interests / viewpoints especially when it comes to my daughter's welfare. Let's put it this way - I am responsible for anything happens to her and she does, while my in-laws and my "out-laws" can claim they have no liability and even can say it was my 'fault' to let them make the decisions.

Hi w_y_chung,
Regarding discipline, I've been the 'bad guy' since my kids were born. As a SAHM, I've got to be the baddie. However, hubby & I have the same stand.

w_y_chung wrote:Hi janet_lee88,, duriz and carebear,

Thanks. Indeed one of my worries is that what they teach my daughter. I do not discriminate my in-laws but in short, we have different believes. A toddler is like a sponge, absorbs whatever taught to them. It is hard to change them esp my daughter has a stubborn character.

Recently she has been chewing on her crayons, telling me this is lipstick. It is clear she did not pick it up from TV since she knows clearly what the lip stick does. She even offers to apply her 'lipstick' on me! She also utter phrases which I hope she does not know, like "I don't want you!" (as in dumping someone), and she beats people saying she is the police.....

I agree.
Please understand what I have stated are my own opinions and preferences.
Some parents may argue that our views may be single-sided or biased.
But I guess we are all biased when it comes to our children.
I understand your anxiety and concern towards your DD.
She is at a very impressionable age.
My own is 11-month and has picked up many quirks and behavior that are unlike DH or myself.
She does not watch tv.
She does not have any cousins or friends her age who can influence her.
I guess little girls (and boys) have and will develop a personality of their own.
You are obviously very concern. As I have said, please discuss with your DW regarding the welfare and discipline of your DD. Parents can have varied views when it comes to the same child.
And like janet_lee88, I'm the bad guy when it comes to discipline. I will let DD know what is right or wrong, what we think she should or shouldn't do. Her papa is her playmate. But strangely, it's him that she fears most and me whom she comes to in times of fear, anxiety and anger.
And yes, DH and I have the same stance when it comes to DD. IMHO, spouses need to lean on eachother for support.