KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

As a young girl, I used to have a dream. A dream that I would get married at the age of 23, start having children at the age of 24… Wanted to have 4 kids, stop giving birth at the age of 30… and never did I believe premarital sex.

I never had any puppy-love during school days, first had a boyfriend at the age of 19. We were together for 4 years, and nothing intimate happened between us. In the same year I met my 2nd boyfriend, I was 23 then. We started living together when I was 25, we loved being with each other but still kept a respectful distance. Finally we really got close after 2 years.

And at the age of 29, I kinda gave up hope as he had never initiated marriage. But I wanted to fulfill my dream to be a mom. So I got pregnant. When my son turned 2, I began to think of our future and thought I could not carry on cohabiting for the rest of my life, so decided to call our relationship off. It was a painful decision for a while.

My boy is already 6 years old now. All this while I have been giving him the impression that his dad has gone to work but will not be coming back.

I am struggling, but doing fine bringing him up on my own. I know bringing up a kid is never going to be easy but it is my responsibility and I have grown to enjoy it.

But friends are telling me I would need a companion no matter what. I am confused. I am so used to being alone, taking care of my son. I am not sure if I ever would have the space for another man in my life. Even if I would, would the man and my son ever accept one another?

I am seeking opinion from those out there, be it you are married, single or divorced…..

Merely opinions, after all it would be me who’ll be leading my life with my son……

hi,

i am married with 2 kids. sometimes i do wonder should i get married again if dh is no longer around.

i have given much thoughts to this ever since i have kids. based on my own personality and concerns, i would prefer to remain single.

my reservations about getting married again are :

1) would my new hubby's love for my own kids change once we have own kids?

2) would he do things to my kids wthout my knowledge?

3) i have to deal with another set of in-laws .

yes, it would be nice to have a companion but if my kids are fine without the need for a father, then i would remain single till they have all grown up.

the thought of not providing the kids a normal family frame will always make us feel guilty and sometimes we rush or push ourseleves into situations which are bad. so just be careful with your decison.

a new daddy for your son?

or

a new companion for yourself?

Liz_Ryan wrote:When my son turned 2, I began to think of our future and thought I could not carry on cohabiting for the rest of my life, so decided to call our relationship off. It was a painful decision for a while.

My boy is already 6 years old now. All this while I have been giving him the impression that his dad has gone to work but will not be coming back.

I am struggling, but doing fine bringing him up on my own. I know bringing up a kid is never going to be easy but it is my responsibility and I have grown to enjoy it.

But friends are telling me I would need a companion no matter what. I am confused. I am so used to being alone, taking care of my son. I am not sure if I ever would have the space for another man in my life. Even if I would, would the man and my son ever accept one another?

I am seeking opinion from those out there, be it you are married, single or divorced…..

Merely opinions, after all it would be me who’ll be leading my life with my son……

Since you've been bringing up your son on your own for several years now, it won't be easy to accept a new partner in your life...be it your son or yourself, esp so when it's your friends who say you need a companion or not yourself feeling that way. Your son is already so used to having you SOLELY in his life. However, if you do meet someone and that someone can get along with your son, you can consider a relationship.

In any case, all the best to you.

Hi Liz, let me share my childhood experience...my parents were divorced when I was like 5 yrs old...my biological father was not a responsible man n I cannot remember calling him daddy or papa....when I was 7 yrs old, my mum met a man and this kind man treated us well n even supported us in our education and everything else...my mum asked abt our opinion of marrying this man and I remember we had no objections....we addressed this man as uncle all along n only changed to calling him dad during the tea ceremony when each of us got married...since young I dun hv a dad n so will not know the feeling of having a dad...when mum got married again,, I'm oso not close to my new dad cos maybe the natural bond was not there..but we are all sensible n knowing that mum needs a companion n someone who can help her to support her 4 children....in my heart, he is still my dad...someone who took care of us n provided us everything...my dad is now 70 plus n it's now our responsibility to take care of him...my mum was lucky cos she found the right man...

Whether looking for a new father for your child or a companion, most importantly, the man must love the children as his own...my mum chose my dad knowing he can be a good father to us after her bitter marriage...

All the best to you...

It would be best to go with the FLOW.....

There is no point in deciding in your mind if you should find one or not.
If one comes along, evaluate the merts of having him in or not in your life with your child. To me, whether to include this person or not also depends on what kind of person he is. I believe your friends just want you to keep an open mind about things and not locked yourself up internally....

LOLMum wrote:hi,

.........

3) i have to deal with another set of in-laws .

..........

I love this part the most

peterch wrote:

LOLMum wrote:hi,

.........

3) i have to deal with another set of in-laws .

..........

I love this part the most

you really like to deal with another set of in-laws ? won't that make you an out-law ?

Don't delibrate go finding for a man if you are perfectly alright living alone with your son right now.

However, if a good one comes knocking on your door, keep your options open.

LOLMum wrote:hi,

yes, it would be nice to have a companion but if my kids are fine without the need for a father, then i would remain single till they have all grown up.

the thought of not providing the kids a normal family frame will always make us feel guilty and sometimes we rush or push ourseleves into situations which are bad. so just be careful with your decison.

Thanx so much LOLMum, for your enlightenment. I don't know why, but after reading your reply, am feeling so much at ease.... guess bcoz it's exactly what I've been thinking all these years.... Thanx so much..

wapobs wrote:a new daddy for your son?

or

a new companion for yourself?

Hi wapobs, ever since I had my son, honestly I bearly think anything for myself, let alone thinking of getting another companion.

HappyAvon, I'm so happy for u & yor mom for being blessed with a new man in your lives

And thanx everyone for sharing your experience/opinion with me

Over the years, I've grown to believe that not everyone is blessed in every way in life......

Whatever it is, per ksi' advice, I shall just go with the flow... I shall do my best to give what I can to my son, and when it comes to relationship, shall take things as they come....