What have I done to deserve this?

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

What have I done to deserve this?

Postby waltzz » Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:02 pm

I am a full time housewife who left my job 5 years ago to look after the kids.

I am feeling very miserable. In short, my hb, who is very hot-tempered is/ has
- blamed me for his failure in his work and told the kids I am jinx
- scolded my parents for not bringing me up properly
- treating me like non-existent at home. or he would bang things at home to vent his anger.
- denied that he scolded my parents or called me jinx.

I hate myself for choosing to marry him. I hate myself for bringing misery not only to myself but also shame to my family.

He has been out of job for a year. I don't know what he is doing. All he said one day when i asked when he is not at work was that he won't let us starve to death.

I don't know how to carry on living with him.

waltzz
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Postby buds » Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:04 pm

:snuggles:

My heart aches for you...
Must be really hard for you now..

buds
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Re: What have I done to deserve this?

Postby jedamum » Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:12 pm

is he secretly hoping for you to go back to work, but felt that ego-wise he should be a sole breadwinner? seems like your husband may be going into depression as he is the sole breadwinner and is out of job for a year already. has your husband been hot-tempered throughout your marriage or only in this recent year due to job loss? what do you think is the cause?

while his mood swing/change may be due to stress, you still have to draw a line at physical abuse.

take care.

jedamum
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Re: What have I done to deserve this?

Postby daddy2007 » Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:12 pm

waltzz wrote:I am a full time housewife who left my job 5 years ago to look after the kids.

He has been out of job for a year. I don't know what he is doing. All he said one day when i asked when he is not at work was that he won't let us starve to death.


Err... then how you pay for the expenses for the past 1 year with both parties not working?

daddy2007
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Postby carebear » Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:15 pm

Hi waltzz, it must be very hard on you!
You must be feeling cheated.
Why have you brought shame to your family?
Your DH has no right to blame your parents.

Mayebe as the sole bread winner, who lost his job, he must be feeling insecure and therefore become grumpy and vent frustration on his poor wife.

Is it possible for you to return to work and he stays at home?
It's time to think constructively and not blame and resent each other.

carebear
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Postby tankee » Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:23 pm

sorry to learn about your situation.

I am NOT saying that your hubby is right. But he is probably having a very hard time at work and had somehow shifted the blame on you so as to maintain his ego or self-confidence

if you believe that your relationship with him is worth salvaging, then you would need to work with him to get to the root cause of the issue and resolve it together.

good luck

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Postby waltzz » Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:30 pm

Thank you all, sorry that my first post is so full of misery.

He's always been hot tempered and I am also hot tempered.

He has stopped talking to me or even looked at me. Whatever that had happened is the fault of his and mine, I do not deny my part in reciprocating in a hot-tempered manner. These, I can take in my own stride. What I cannot accept and felt shameful is that he scolded my family. And it took a few years before my sibling told me that he scolded my family. My parents wanted to keep that from me as they do not want our marriage to suffer. Imagine my parents had to pretend to be friendly to him in front of me when they, for no reason, received scolding from him. That's unfilial of me!

As for living expenses, I have to dig into the savings. My parents still think that the monthly allowance I gave them comes from him.

Thank you all, it's already very comforting to know there's listening ears.

I will try to count my blessings.

waltzz
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Postby daddy2007 » Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:43 pm

That's must be hard on you to dig into your savings for the living expenses

To be frank, when I am angry with my wife, I also don't want to look at her or talk to her for that day. So maybe it is a typical man's reaction?

But whatever happen on the day, I will try to forget it the next day. Whenever I am so angry with her, I will always remember the marriage vows I took.

Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?


Probably a heart-to-heart talk will be good. Bless you.....

daddy2007
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Postby cherrygal » Thu Dec 09, 2010 2:20 am

It's not about counting your blessings, luv... you still have to solve the bread and butter issues. Money causes rifts, or rather the lack of...

Your hubby is probably on the brink of depression over his jobless status. He probably got rejected by many companies (and that is depressing), or got offered ridiculously low salaries... your hot-tempered rebuffs didn't help.

His behavior reminds me of Li Nanxing's character in Penguin Daddy (Ch8 showing reruns daily). And Li's wife, played by Ann Kok, is the sweetest of creatures who willingly bears the brunt of his outbursts, but later manages to persuade him to let her work since she had a job offer. He was depressed because he felt useless to have the wife find a job, and angry at his own failure to find a similar paying job.

I don't know why he scolded your parents or called you a jinx but trust me, angry people say the weirdest things on impulse. Well, he should have the courage to apologize if he didn't mean that but I guess he is in the destructive mode right now, so don't force him.

Everyone has a destructive streak in them and this is especially strong during bouts of depression. What you can do as a wife and mother, is to leave him alone, provide moral support and literally bite your tongue to comment nastily on anything he does.

You could find a job if money runs low but that means someone else has to watch the kids. In Penguin Daddy, Li took on that role, albeit temporarily. If he's not willing, then perhaps, it is time to see a counsellor.

cherrygal
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Postby kaka » Thu Dec 09, 2010 2:41 am

Hi Waltzz
It is really hard on you. But dont hate yourself, it wont help anything. Look for the light at the end of the tunnel and hope you can take action to get yourself out of the situation.
Take care!
:hugs:

kaka
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