my husband is a shopaholic and a toy addict.

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

my husband is a shopaholic and a toy addict.

Postby mistychances » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:02 pm

hi, my husband has a lot of free time during the course of his work. Almost everyday, he'll will come back with something new.
There will be season when he'll keep buying shoes, then shirts, then dvd players, then dvds, now bluerays. He's obsess about remote control toys - He started off with rc bikes when my first one was only 3, then rc cars and then rc trucks. Recently he's been into rc helicopters and planes. There was a period last year when he kept buying figurines - transformers , spiderman, ironman - whatever - Now my house has hundreds of those.

I do not know how many times we have quarelled over his addiction. Although he always says that it is better than womanizing ! Everyone says that. But to me, he is so obsessed with his toys that he does not have time for us especially the 2 boys. When they talk to him, he'll just go ''or or or ....izit ? "

When I was pregnant with my 2nd boy 6 years back, I brought my 1st one to look for him playing rc truck coz the poor boy wanted to follow. I had to go up hill and down hill, and that man was so obsessed that he didn't even bother that i might just fall.

He declared to me that he'll only give up his rc toys upon his death. I've basically given up hope on him. Now i'm clearing the room which he has occupied for all his personal toys. I told him, I need to take the room back for the boys. I know he'll never change, although everytime he says he will. The problem is everytime I find out something that he has hidden somewhere, I'll explode !

Other than his obsession, he's an extremely good man. So nobody can see what i'm going thru & that makes me even more miserable ;(

mistychances
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Postby UncleLim » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:33 pm

I am sorry to say that there are many grown up men who remain boys at heart.
The only difference is that now they have the money to buy the toys themselves without having to ask anyone! Trains, cars, watches, cameras, phones, gadgets, cartoon figurines, computers, sound systems and the list goes on ....

:roll:

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Re: my husband is a shopaholic and a toy addict.

Postby cnimed » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:43 pm

mistychances wrote:Other than his obsession, he's an extremely good man. So nobody can see what i'm going thru & that makes me even more miserable ;(


This is the main saving grace I suppose, and can be a positive starting point.

On some levels, I can empathise. Fortunately dh never reach such obsession levels as yours. The thing I did resent most was time taken away from the family, but dh has sort of adjusted to meet us halfway.

From MY perspective, the two most irritating points would be - taking up all the space at home (as if our homes are not small enough already!), and time/thoughts away from the family. If it's possible, maybe your DH can keep some of his things in his office, or rent a commercial space to keep his hobby toys (quite a few around now). Time/attention wise, if possible, maybe delegate some family time that is sacred, and other time that is for him to go and play with his RC toys?

Is he playing at Turf City? If he is not, I suggest you check it out as a family. There are RC enthusiasts there, adult RC shops, and MANY enrichment centers for children (art, TKD, soccer, toddler swimming) and also an indoor playground for children (must pay). There are also eateries, hairdressers and GIANT. Something for everyone. If your kids are old enough, put them in for the art class, and you take a break while your hb can go off to play with his RC toys. After the art class, you can continue with a slow lunch and then go home together.

something like that. :)
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Postby znzyzyzx » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:45 pm

Train the boys to go to him so as to keep him occupied.

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Postby tamarind » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:48 pm

mistychances,
Actually the most important thing is to make sure that he gives you enough money to support the family. Since he seems to have so much spare money, ask him to give you more allowance lah. Then you help him to save the money.

Since you said that he is an extremely good man, he should give you extra money if you asked for it right ? Tell him it is for kids' enrichment, books, etc. I have even heard of husbands giving their entire salary to wives, in this day and age.

I don't think your hubby can beat my hubby. We have 21 bookcases, each of height 2m and width 80cm in my small HDB flat. All filled with books. The problem with books is that they collect dust, and grow worms !
Last edited by tamarind on Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Postby cnimed » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:50 pm

tamarind wrote: I have even heard of husbands giving their entire salary to wives, in this day and age.


sigh, I want! I want!!
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Postby tamarind » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:52 pm

deminc wrote:
tamarind wrote: I have even heard of husbands giving their entire salary to wives, in this day and age.


sigh, I want! I want!!


I also want ! Too bad I never specify this condition before getting married :cry:

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Postby mistychances » Tue Feb 01, 2011 4:05 pm

thank you so much for your replies ;) It actually makes me feel better coz at least i'm able to let out all my frustrations and not get shot down ;))

actually i've done what you guys have mentioned
- accompanied him on his play trips ( but that was when my 1st one was still in preschool & 2nd one not born yet)
I've thot about it - since i cannot beat him, i'll join him. So i forced myself to get into what he's doing - but then i realised that my kids are neglected coz daddy's toys - the little ones cannot touch.
I didn't want to tire myself any further, so i quit joining him.

- I told him to put all his stuff in his parents place. He went to look for warehouse but found too expensive and 'bo hua'', so back into our house.
Frankly, 90% of the things in the house belong to him. From, shirt to shoes to toys to dvds to toys! whatever he can buy, he'll buy.

- worse thing is, he'll spend sleepless nights to repair / play with his toys. Sometimes, never even sleep then go to work. I really wonder where he finds the energy. But when ask him to accompany us to watch tv, he'll sleep 5 mins into the show ;(

- i have resigned myself to being a single parent. And sometimes that makes me very mad coz I think he can help me with the little one when I'm teaching my p5, but instead he'll just meddle with his own toys or sleeps ;(

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Postby Funz » Wed Feb 02, 2011 1:02 pm

Hey there, I can so identify with how you feel.

DH was like that, well to a certain extent he is still like that. He is a shopper, he will buy and buy and buy. Clothes, gadgets, toys, etc. He had many interests as well, bowling, golf, soccer, mahjong, etc. If he was not out for his whatever games, he was in front of his computer organising his music library in which he has thousands of songs. We used to quarrel over his time management and spending. Even now, if you take a peek into our closet, he takes up about 70% of the space.

He said he needed all that to unwind and he shopped as a form of stress relieve. He would be out of the house at 7am and home only at like 2-3am. Weekends would be taken up either by golf or mahjong. So most of the time I was alone. We fought over it so he cut back on his bowling and golf and stayed at home but instead of spending time with us, he spent his time in front of the computer.

Things reached a breaking point before he realised that he was loosing us. So we reached a compromise, he will limit his golf to Saturdays, Sundays and public holidays are all for the family. As for weekdays, he will limit to soccer once a week and make it back for dinner as much as possible. As he started spending more time with us, he realised that he enjoys the kids' company. As much as possible we will plan some activities with the kids on Sundays and Public Holidays. After some time, he kinda automatically reduced more of his activities and spent more time with the family.

As for the buying, well, he still buys but most of the time it will things meant for the family or kids.

Talk to your DH, recognise that he needs his time and space and let him know that you know that and accept that. Let him know that you need him as well. Then work out a schedule that both of you can live with.

Hope things will improve for you.

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Postby kaitlynangelica » Wed Feb 02, 2011 1:41 pm

My husband is like that as well except that I think its a little better. For a man, he is terribly vain and needs to keep on buying clothes. Before our child came, he spent a lot on the car. At that time, our combined income was only 7k, but he insisted on buying a car. He had hardly any savings. I remember until the age of 32, he had bardly even 20k in the bank account. Thats why we put off having kids for 3 years after marriage. When we finally decided to have a child, I had to agree to paying for the maid or we would never have had a baby. Maybe my expectations are high, but I think a man must have savings, investments and insurance. I was terribly upset that he didn't plan for our dd. While other parents were busy sending their kids off to enrichment classes ( which IMO is necessary to let the child have an added advantage ), he was only interested in gratifying his own needs. He said he needed it as he was stressed and depressed that his career was going nowhere. He's better now thankfully but still keeps on buying new shirts, sports wear etc etc..............

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