What should I do?

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

What should I do?

Postby pinky » Wed May 18, 2011 12:45 pm

Need your advice on this dilemma:
My husband's sister recently divorced with 2 teenage kids and she is working full time. Recently, he told me that his sister wants to send her daughter to stay with me bec :
1. I am a SAHM so I have more time to supervise her
2. We have an extra room (actually used for games/lounging around)
The teenage daughter is frankly out of control and ill disciplined ah lian who is currently repeating JC1 and lives in a world of her own.
I told my husband no way I am letting her come bec being a SAHM doesnt mean I am free and obliged to take on such a responsibility where I feel strongly the mother should be the one to be there for her and not just pass her to me :mad:
My husband is the type who never says no to his family and he told me she will be be ONLY until end of the year and if she pass her exam, till end of 2012 :stupid: :stupid: My son will be taking his O level next year so I dun want to freak out and carry such unnecessary burden. So far no confirmation from the girl yet but I know the decision is more or less final and no amount of quarrelling will change the situation.
I need your advice and what is the best solution to get out of this sticky problem.
I did consider renting a room in my estate for the girl and I am willing to pay for the rental as long as she doesnt step into my house.

pinky
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Re: What should I do?

Postby stsy_26 » Wed May 18, 2011 11:06 pm

Frankly I have no advice for u, but just want to support u in your decision in not letting her stay with you.

From what you say, she sounds like she might cause some "disturbance" in your home environment as your family will need to get used to her presence, and if she does not follow your house rules, it definitely hv negative repercussions when your kids see that she is above ur "laws" while they are still subject to it.

This is an impt year for your son. I think u need to stress to ur husband that HIS OWN family shld be his priority. Stand firm if you believe strongly abt this issue. It may lead to some unhappiness now, but at least this unhappiness is within your control. If your niece moves in, and trouble brews, the unhappiness will be out of your control cos it's being initiated by a third party!

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Re: What should I do?

Postby sall » Thu May 19, 2011 9:15 am

This teenage girl is going to be a bad influence on your children. Don't ever let her stay in your house. Your son is sitting for a v impt exam, emphasize to your husband. Continue to insist on your decision and stay firm. Otherwise, she may end up staying permanently in your house.

sall
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Re: What should I do?

Postby ppnqq » Thu May 19, 2011 9:56 am

pinky wrote:Need your advice on this dilemma:
My husband's sister recently divorced with 2 teenage kids and she is working full time. Recently, he told me that his sister wants to send her daughter to stay with me bec :
1. I am a SAHM so I have more time to supervise her
2. We have an extra room (actually used for games/lounging around)
The teenage daughter is frankly out of control and ill disciplined ah lian who is currently repeating JC1 and lives in a world of her own.
I told my husband no way I am letting her come bec being a SAHM doesnt mean I am free and obliged to take on such a responsibility where I feel strongly the mother should be the one to be there for her and not just pass her to me :mad:
My husband is the type who never says no to his family and he told me she will be be ONLY until end of the year and if she pass her exam, till end of 2012 :stupid: :stupid: My son will be taking his O level next year so I dun want to freak out and carry such unnecessary burden. So far no confirmation from the girl yet but I know the decision is more or less final and no amount of quarrelling will change the situation.
I need your advice and what is the best solution to get out of this sticky problem.
I did consider renting a room in my estate for the girl and I am willing to pay for the rental as long as she doesnt step into my house.


Is the distance between your sil place and your place near by? If near by, you may give in by allowing her to come over to your place after school and back to her own place after dinner, after her mum has knocked off from work.

Anyway, do not think your niece may want to come over and stay with you guys too, unless she was forced to. But then, if your sil in able to force her to come over and stay, I believe your niece is not bad till that incorrigible extend.

What ever is the final decision, explain to your husband nicely that your boy will be taking his O level and needs to have a more 'peaceful' environment to focus on his studies and if your niece is here, she may cause some disturbances in the family because of her poor attitude (?), bad manners (?) or rowdiness (?).

Btw, those who behaved badly in front of their parents may not be as bad when with others. Besides you, is your mil still around? Can they help to look after your niece?

I think you really need to have a good talk with your husband and see if you guys can work out a solution which will not strain the relationship between your family and your sil's.

JMHO.

ppnqq
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Re: What should I do?

Postby pinky » Thu May 19, 2011 11:31 am

Thank you so much for your advices. Some points to add on:
1. I dun have FIL and MIL to share this burden. The SIL stayed quite a distance from my place.

2. Even when I told my husband about the O level exam next year, he just said 'she will only sleep here so what's the problem?' This idiot husband (IH) always put HIS own family on top of us and there are so many instances that I really really regret marrying him :mad: :mad: :stupid:

3. I suspect IH and his family rally around this SIL bec of the divorce and let her have all the say out of sympathy. For eg she charged all her bills to the supp card issued by my IH and never pays him back :stupid:
she will just pass all the lawyer's documents and ask her sisters and IH to summarise for her and even reply on her behalf. She even hinted that her son (who just passed his driving test) wants to buy a car but need money to buy, I told IH that no way you will be the sponsor bec if he is just a student and I see no way the loan will be repaid to him at all.

4. I will stick to my decision as what you people have advised. I am also praying very very hard that things will be in my favour :pray:
If there is any other suggestions, please share them with me. :please:

pinky
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Re: What should I do?

Postby jtoh » Thu May 19, 2011 1:25 pm

Does your SIL's dd have a good relationship with you? If yes, I can understand why they think you might be a good influence on her. If not, isn't your SIL just throwing her problem child to you handle?

I agree with the other posters that you shouldn't allow the girl in your home especially because your son is taking his O levels this year. She can be a disruption to your home.

jtoh
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Re: What should I do?

Postby yuanyuan mama » Thu May 19, 2011 1:50 pm

Sometimes ago I was "helping" my dh's sister to take care of her young son for several months as SIL wanted her son to get a better exposure to learn English (they are from non-english speaking country). I was thinking to give dh and SIL a favor by welcoming this boy to my peaceful home, love, care and feed the same food to him and my dd, everything I gave my dd I prepared extra for him so that he won't feel left out.

I even scared to show affection to my dd openly as I used to before the boy came cos I dont want him to feel unfair treatment from me. I only gave my kiss and hug to dd when everyone was sleeping. Took the boy and dd to explore SG and join enrichment classes, all paid from my own pocket. Bought him souvenirs before he went back. Got a phone call from SIL the next day the boy arrived in his homeland asking me why I was not fair in treating my dd and her son; why I cooked lousy food for her son and causing him lost weight; why dd got to keep the PSB and not her son (PSB was given by my neighbour to dd for B'day gift), blah....blah....except "thank you for taking care of my son, I appreciate it"

Think twice before you take care of other's children, no matter how hard you try, people don't see the way we see it.

yuanyuan mama
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Re: What should I do?

Postby BlueBells » Thu May 19, 2011 2:12 pm

I would probably do:

1. Put my foot firmly down to a "No" because I am half the owner of the house and what I say should be respected as well, SAHM or not.

2. Tell him if he doesn't respect my say, I will packup and go back to my mum's place with the kids (ok.. a bit extreme, but I have the liberty because I know my mum's place has sufficient space, and I have actually said this to not let my MIL and BIL moved in with us many years back)

3. Impose upon DH on the kind of values that is being imparted : as long as it conveniences your SIL, she doesn't need to care / bother about others, is this what he wants the kids to learn?

4. Subtly sound out your kids, and then have a family discussion involving the kids. It is your household, so I believe everyone's input should be consulted.

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Re: What should I do?

Postby ppnqq » Thu May 19, 2011 2:20 pm

yuanyuan mama wrote:Sometimes ago I was "helping" my dh's sister to take care of her young son for several months as SIL wanted her son to get a better exposure to learn English (they are from non-english speaking country). I was thinking to give dh and SIL a favor by welcoming this boy to my peaceful home, love, care and feed the same food to him and my dd, everything I gave my dd I prepared extra for him so that he won't feel left out.

I even scared to show affection to my dd openly as I used to before the boy came cos I dont want him to feel unfair treatment from me. I only gave my kiss and hug to dd when everyone was sleeping. Took the boy and dd to explore SG and join enrichment classes, all paid from my own pocket. Bought him souvenirs before he went back. Got a phone call from SIL the next day the boy arrived in his homeland asking me why I was not fair in treating my dd and her son; why I cooked lousy food for her son and causing him lost weight; why dd got to keep the PSB and not her son (PSB was given by my neighbour to dd for B'day gift), blah....blah....except "thank you for taking care of my son, I appreciate it"

Think twice before you take care of other's children, no matter how hard you try, people don't see the way we see it.


Then your sil is really too much! If you are those daring type, you could have told her the truth of what you have mentioned here, afraid that her boy will feel left out etc and also ask her how much she had paid you for taking care of her son and even to bringing him around and sending him to the enrichment.

Such boldness to criticize and bombard people when people are helping her out and I believe without a single cent from them too? Tsk tsk tsk. Shame on her! :nunchuk: :spank:

ppnqq
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Re: What should I do?

Postby sandunes » Thu May 19, 2011 2:24 pm

Tell your dh that if she stays with you, u guys have to be responsible for her (even though she is quite old and can go anywhere on her own). If anything happens to her, your dh has to answer for it.

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