KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

Are you against divorce?

If a couple no longer have feelings for each other, no intimacy, quarrels, what is your advice? What do you base on when you advise?

If a couple plus husband got affair, do you advise divorce? What do you base on when you advise?

Will there be happiness after divorce? I mean is it better to stay married, with no feelings or better to have a clean break up? Anyone who is able to provide more insight into this?

We need help here. Fyi, it's not us lar... Don't do wild guessing.
But we seriously need advice and help here. DH will sure ask me for my advice soon, moving forward, we need to face this issue and we don't know how to help them.

If you are not comfortable sharing, it's really okay. No obligations.

Depends if got children or not.

It is tough....but there is no one correct answer. Hard for outsider to advise if they don't know the couple well, and understand the root cause of the problem.

Got children. All grown up liao.
Just one teenage son left to 'sorta' groom/watch over.

What's the procedure of divorce anyway? What's the timeline?
Need to hire PI so as to divorce?

I am not against divorce, but it depends on the circumstances.

If a couple no longer have feelings for each other, no intimacy, quarrels, what is your advice? What do you base on when you advise?

If there is no children, it is really no need to continue as long as one or both of them have decided that they had made the mistake and are better of not husband and wife so they can each pursue their own happiness.

If there are children, then I feel the couple should try to work on their marriage and try to work things out before they make the final decision.

If a couple plus husband got affair, do you advise divorce? What do you base on when you advise?

No children. Same as above. Drop the adulterous fellow and run far far away! If there is children and the offending party repent and mend his way and work out the emotional issues, the one betrayed can consider. But it is up to her because she is going to have to put up with a lot and live life with the terrible knowledge that the one she love and sacrifice for had betrayed her. It is a lot of anguish and emotional stress for her. If
the offending party refuse to mend his way, then no point lah. Better end the thing fast and move on.

Will there be happiness after divorce? I mean is it better to stay married, with no feelings or better to have a clean break up?

Will there be happiness if they stay together? Lots of people in our parent's generation stay together not having feelings /having negative feelings for each other. Are they happy?
There are people who are happier after the divorce. there are people who meet someone else and are happier after the divorce. I have a girlfriend who did it and seems happier with her life. There are people who are worst off, even more depressed. It really depends on the circumferences of the individual and how they deal with life after the split.

Brief Story:
- For many many years, Husband wants intimacy, Wife not willing (got child sleeping with them, need to look after baby etc)
- Family runs this way: husband just gives $, wife maintains house and makes all big and small decisions. Children are roped in to make decisions and wife doesn't give husband any credit/chance to make decision. Usually husband is given cold showers by wife.
- Husband had one-night-stands, found out by wife (back in the 1990s)
- Even less/no intimacy after the incident
- Somehow, husband got mistress/es from China
- Husband secretly sms & sends $ to China, leaving very little $ for wife
- Wife maintains house using savings, not knowing about affairs
- No intimacy since his one-night stands
- Wife found out in 2000/01 about mistress when children saw those TT receipts and pictures on husband's mobile
- Wife kicks big fuss but refuse to divorce husband; husband still live together
- Husband leaves home as and when they quarrel, but still come back
- Children threatened to make them divorce, but this threat no longer works anymore as husband knows wife will want him back
- In 2008, somehow, husband starts to give $ to wife to maintain house. Wife is happier. But on and off, they still find sms and videos of women that he keeps in HP, once there was an issue that husband already has a son with mistress but we don't know if it's true
- It's the first time now that husband inititates divorce once their teenage son's problem is settled
- They were even having dinner outside as family and just as husband goes toilet, wife starts weeping to children that they still quarrel. And children all thought that the family has grown stronger from their teenage brother's problem.

The root cause of the problem started from my first & second statement of the story. Or that's what DH and I think.

winth wrote:Brief Story:
- For many many years, Husband wants intimacy, Wife not willing (got child sleeping with them, need to look after baby etc)
- Husband had one-night-stands, found out by wife (back in the 1990s)
- Even less/no intimacy after the incident
- Somehow, husband got mistress/es from China
- Husband secretly sms & sends $ to China, leaving very little $ for wife
- Wife maintains house using savings, not knowing about affairs
- No intimacy since his one-night stands
- Wife found out in 2000/01 about mistress when children saw those TT receipts and pictures on husband's mobile
- Wife kicks big fuss but refuse to divorce husband; husband still live together
- Husband leaves home as and when they quarrel, but still come back
- Children threatened to make them divorce, but this threat no longer works anymore as husband knows wife will want him back
- In 2008, somehow, husband starts to give $ to wife to maintain house. Wife is happier. But on and off, they still find sms and videos of women that he keeps in HP, once there was an issue that husband already has a son with mistress but we don't know if it's true
- Now husband inititates divorce once their teenage son's problem is settled

I think the problem is that the wife do not want a divorce. I think from an outsider view point
1. both parties very little respect for each other and
2. the children are supportive of the divorce
3. The wife bu gan xing / scare to lost face and hence do not want to divorce

I think there is no use hanging on to this kind situation. For whatever the root course it have come to a state where it is very difficult to mend, The sooner he is out of one's life the better. Perhaps the kids can counsel their mum and give the mum emotional support. If the wife is my friend I will advise her to get a good share of matrimonial assets out of the heartless man and kick him out. But then, some times women can be very attached to this kind of heartless man and could not let go.

Others can't' force her to divorce if she is unwilling. But if she wants to, all those photos and sms are more than enough to file for divorce.

mincy wrote:I think the problem is that the wife do not want a divorce.

You are absolutely right about this.

It's still clingy bec of the very fact that wife refuses to believe that husband's heart is not with her. And also the fact that children still wants a complete family. So everything blanketed and looked good to outsiders.

But tables suddenly turned when this time, it's husband who initiates the divorce.

After divorce, husband leaves behind a house-loan problem he refuses to settle.

But husband is not without credit, he has put in a big foot forward to solve his teenage son's problem. Something that he should have done long ago if wife just lets him make decisions in the house. Wife has kicked husband out of their marital bed when he tries to sleep together with her, and she can still joke about it to children.

If you ask me, both are wrong in treating each other this way. It's not one-sided.

What is the procedure your friend went through while filing for divorce? Who and what to look for?

my friend's situation is different, ex was financially irresponsible and expects her to clear up his mess may times. She filed under unreasonable behavior. Look for a lawyer and do the filing. But if the husband initiates it and the wife is unwilling, let him go find and pay for his own lawyer.

I think for every relationship and marriage, both parties will have some degree of responsibility on how things turn out. Each party is not completely good or bad. But then when it comes to a crisis like that, each just have to decide how they want to settle the situation. The wife can choose divorce if she wants to but if she is really unwilling and want to work on the marriage then she will have to find a way to convince the hb to stay. It will take lots of effort and sacrifice and the chances of success may not be good.

mincy wrote:my friend's situation is different, ex was financially irresponsible and expects her to clear up his mess may times. She filed under unreasonable behavior. Look for a lawyer and do the filing. But if the husband initiates it and the wife is unwilling, let him go find and pay for his own lawyer.

I think for every relationship and marriage, both parties will have some degree of responsibility on how things turn out. Each party is not completely good or bad. But then when it comes to a crisis like that, each just have to decide how they want to settle the situation. The wife can choose divorce if she wants to but if she is really unwilling and want to work on the marriage then she will have to find a way to convince the hb to stay. It will take lots of effort and sacrifice and the chances of success may not be good.

Thanks mincy. OIC, didn't know divorce will have to come from 2 willing parties. Thought one just to have to initiate then do some separation thingy, then that's it.

no don't have to be willing lah. one party can file separation papers but that will take 2-3 years I think....